I know I have brought it on my self but at times I feel totally alone.
Even with that feeling I still don’t want to put myself out there and see people, talk to anyone or even chat random crap on the phone.
I know over the last year or so I have pushed everyone away, even my nearest and dearest.
I’m a closed book that won’t open up to anyone, not even my family and friends. The walls are higher than ever and if anyone wants to know how I’m feeling or thinking than their first port of call is this blog.
So when did I turn from party animal, the girl who couldn’t be alone or away from friends for more than a few hours?
What changed in me?
I think it’s a case of being scared to open up and get close to anyone.
Maybe I’ve gone so far away from letting people in, it’s to late for me.
The truth of the matter is, I have family and friends who want to be there, they want to hold my hand when I’m sick, hug me when I cry and laugh with me when I laugh.
So why do I keep pushing them away?
Why do I feel I have to face my battles alone?
Have I been hurt so badly that I just can’t face being hurt in any way at all?
I am scared of the judgement from others?
I’ve been wrongly judged by so many over the last two years, I just don’t seem to have the strength to fight that any more.
Along with the life lesson of learning who really cares and who could turn their backs so easily.
I guess it has damaged me more than I knew it ever would.
I know I’m not a bad person, my heart though broken is a kind one and I always am there for who ever wants to unload their problems on my shoulders.
I listen, I truly listen and I’m there when they need me, ALWAYS.
But something in me just won’t let me get close to anyone no matter who they are.
I also believe that if I shut myself off from the world that when my ticking time bomb finally decides not to tick anymore, I want to spare them the pain that I have had for the last few years.
Heartbreak and loss has made my warm heart grow cold and the once melted Ice Maiden has frozen to new levels, leaving me more alone than I have been, even when I’m with people I still feel lost and alone.
But what my heart seems to want to tell me is that I feel alone because I am no longer complete.
My other half, my better half has vanished out of my life leaving me just a shell of the person I was when he was with me.