Invisibility

imageI have been meaning to write this blog for a while now but how does one put into words the torment, pain, tears, worthlessness and fear that an invisible disease brings to our life’s.

The last few years have been hell, even with a strong mind and positive attitude, life has been incredibly hard, if only words didn’t fail me.
Yes at times I have begged for the pain to stop, to close my eyes, to fall asleep and let life slip away.
I hate to admit it but the struggle to get through an hour of a day has been way too much at times.
But not only once but a few times now when my body gave up the fight and the doctors/surgeons took it upon themselves to bring me back with I guess the help of a single voice that pulled me back to the land of the living.
Maybe it was a gift but I do at times wonder why, my life has been given the green light to continue when I wanted so badly to cross that fine line between life and death.
Maybe it’s for an unknown reason that I have yet to discover.
Or maybe I’m meant to be tortured a while longer. Who knows ???? I dealt I ever will know.

The thing is, life every second, no matter how hard or how sad, no matter how low I fall, how much I want out, life is beautiful.
Everything around me is a blessing.
From hearing my daughter laugh and sing, to even her tears, I’m so lucky I get to see and feel every emotion that comes with our life together.

To the birds singing in the trees, to the robin who sits so close to me and watches the world go by and waits patiently for me to loosen the earth so she can go about feeding her young, building her nest and putting joy into our life’s with her song and her beautiful red breast.

To the baby lambs that wake us up every morning, letting us know that the world is awake and we are missing the beauty as we lay in our beds.

To the kitten and puppy cuddling up together on a chilling evening, playing together as they teach each other new tricks in the game of life.

These are my reasons why life no matter how cruel it can be, no matter how far off the wrong path I may be, no matter how long the nights are and how lonely life can be and how much I miss and love certain people who I can’t hold close and let them know how loved they are.
No matter how bad the pain gets as my body fails slowly and the struggle to hold on to a normal life grows harder by the day. No matter how frustrating it is to not be able to run along the beach or just sit watching the waves crash against the shore.
Life is hard really hard as these diseases eat slowly away at me.
Life though is still a beautiful gift, if only we open our eyes to the smallest of things around us, I truly believe every tiny thing we take for granted is what makes life and living worth fighting. ❤️

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A laugh, a smile and a warm fuzzy feeling

imageWhen things aren’t going well there’s a tendency to extrapolate and assume the future holds more of the same. For some strange reason this doesn’t happen as much when things are going well.
A laugh, a smile and a warm fuzzy feeling are fleeting and we know it.
We take the good times at face value in the moment for all they’re worth, and then we let them go. But when we’re depressed, struggling, or fearful, it’s easy to heap on more pain by assuming tomorrow will be exactly like today. This is a cyclic, self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you don’t allow yourself to move past this, you will look at your future through that same dirty lens, and nothing will be able to focus your foggy judgment. You will keep on justifying, reliving, and fueling a perception that shouldn’t have existed in the first place.

It’s hard to change that state of mine, but if you don’t at least try you will never know what could be.
Trying never killed anyone so take a chance and see if you can make your day that little bit brighter.
Maybe just maybe there is a bright shining magnificent light at the end of that kind scary dark tunnel.