Today is one of those days.
A day full of self judgement.
Yesterday at the hospital one of my consultants said that until my heart starts to heal, my body will not.
I didn’t really understand what he meant.
I know that he tells me every time I see him that my broken heart was what caused my body to shut down.
Yes, it’s true your body really can shut down because of a broken heart.
And yes he does admit that I have had this one condition since birth , but he believes that the grief, the shattering of my heart brought it to rear its ugly head.
Anyway when I got home I called my dad and we had a really long chat about what the consultant had said. Then my dad spoke up and said that, since my heart got shattered into a million, trillion pieces that I have hit my own self destruct button .
That I have shut out the world.
That I spend way to much time on my own and I have shut out everyone.
He said the times I do allow people into my life that I’m not really there, I don’t laugh, I don’t smile, I don’t show any emotion. I’m a lone robot shielding myself from caring.
He said the twinkle in my eyes is far gone, and all he can see is sorrow.
I have to admit that maybe he is right but I do laugh, smile, giggle but if I’m total honest with my self that 9 out of 10 times it is forced.
I moved as far away from my friends and family as I could so that I could have my own head space, I guess I shut them out.
Why I do not know.
I know that some of their actions hurt me beyond belief. And ok I forgave them because anger isn’t a nice emotion and I don’t want to feel angry all the time but letting them back in is so so hard.
I will admit though that last weekend I spent the day with a few friends at one of my favourite places and I let my guard down and I truly laughed for the first time in a long, long time, so much so it hurt.
It felt good, really good.
But still it felt like something was missing, something is always missing.
I no longer feel complete, there is this huge empty space in me that was once full of love and now it’s just empty.
And I know there is no way to fill it, no amount of smiles, laughs, outings, music, no amount of anything can fill it.
I guess that’s what my dad meant when he said I’m not as twinkly as I was.
I’m empty with out him.
(P.s On a happier note, Marly-Kate had her first parents evening last night. I’m so proud of her. You can read all about it on her page.)