Judgement v self judgement

imageI have never been one for fashion or shopping for clothes but when I was asked to go out for the afternoon after bloods, I thought why not?

In the last few months if not longer, I haven’t had the energy to bother with what I look like, can’t remember the last time I put make up on.
I have lived in comfy clothes that don’t hurt as much as jeans, long tops that cover my bruises from blood tests and really just to stay warm. Singlets and jeans haven’t seen the light of day for far to long. If I’m honest I feel like a scuff all the time.
Even though my Thai pants are so comfy, it’s not really the most flattering wardrobe but boy they are comfy.

So back to it, I bit the bullet and went along, knowing full well that I know it would kinda make me feel either totally crap about myself or maybe it could lift me????

Firstly people can be very cruel!!! I have noticed this a lot lately.
People are really not good at hiding pity. The looks I get, really hurt and remind me why I like being alone.
Ok so I’m really pale, with a really red butterfly rash. No amount of make up can cover it up.
It’s something I have to live with, I guess it’s part and parcel of having lupus but really do you have to stare at me.
Then they notice the bruises on my arms.
NO I’m not on drugs, NO I’m not a junky, but yes they are needle marks from having blood taken everyday.
There really is no reason to just look at me like that.
I don’t want your pity or judgement, I really don’t!

Anyway so we are shopping and for once I look around and spot a few things that catch my eye (that’s the way I shop)
Off we go to the changing rooms and this is where the judgement turns to self judgement.

Every piece of clothing I try on doesn’t fit or makes me look washed out.
Clothes shopping is really hard and I see why I stay away from it.

I’m being told I look really nice and I should buy, buy, buy but all I see is this short person who just doesn’t look good in anything and then a little voice starts saying, “why waste your money, you don’t go anywhere, why waste your time looking ok to do to the hospital or the school runs.”
But the other voice is saying ” treat yourself, you are worth it, look good for yourself, not others)
It’s a battle that I will never win.

Clothes shopping really sucks when it’s for yourself.
Self judgement sucks more.