“It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”

imageI have been putting off this blog post and still in two minds in even writing it.
I guess if I put it all down then I have to accept it.

This week has been one of the hardest ever. It is way up there on the list of devastation, heart-break and unspeakable pain.
Those who are close to me know that my favourite cousin has been fighting brain cancer.
This week she lost her fight 😢
I have no words to express the heart ache we all feel.

She was one of the most beautiful incredible soul I have ever met, she wasn’t just my cousin but one of my dearest closest friend.
She was an inspiration to me through my whole life.
I use to just look at her when I was a little girl, I wanted to be just like her.
She had this beautiful energy about her, her smile would light up a room and no matter how sad you felt, that smile would make you smile.
Her laugh was contagious, it would fill the room . Her energy was electric.
She put everyone before her self and all her younger cousins would stand in awe of her.
She was our protected, our leader, our friend.

I have so many happy memories of her, but most of all her kindness shines through them all.

A good few years ago when I ran away from my ex husband I was in one of the lowest patches in my life and I couldn’t stand the thought of life.
No one knew where I was but she tracked me down and came with the biggest brightest bunch of flowers I have ever seen.
She sat and held me from days while I cried, I slept, I cried more. All the time she held onto me like she wouldn’t let me go and she listened. She truly listened. I owe her my life at that point in time.
It wasn’t that I cried for him, I cried for the changes I had to make, I cried for the misery I had lived for all those years, I cried for the intercourse he had forced on me for way to many years, I cried for the cuts and bruises, the beatings he had inflicted on me.
I cried for the worthlessness I felt and the weakness he had drilled into me.
Those few days which some were in silence were distressing to say the least but her smile, her kindness, her love pulled me through.
She was an angel in life and now she will light up the night sky and shine down on us as she has always done.
I really don’t see many people as perfect but her soul, heart, mind and beauty has to be in my top three of perfection.
I really mean that. She was a total inspiration in life and in death she will always be.
If any one deserves those angel wings it’s her.
The thought of life without her is too much to bare right now but I have to find strength in knowing she lives on in her children, her legacy.

So as we face the fourth death this year please give a thought for all the loved ones she has left behind and help us find the strength to not break.
Hopefully we can find peace in knowing that she is with my sister again. I’m sure they are ripping up the sky with their love for life.

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