Call it…….

imageSometimes you have to die a little on the inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself again.
Call it growth.
Call it finding yourself.
Call it whatever you want.
The key is to live moment to moment when times are tough, and push forward, until moments become minutes…
minutes become hours…
hours become days…
days become weeks…
weeks turn to months…
and time again has meaning… and life becomes a reason to smile. (Hopefully)
The process is almost like learning to walk or speak for the very first time. It isn’t easy, but in the process we grow and we find ourselves, stronger, wiser, and possessing talents we didn’t know we had.

Flash back Friday 1

I have decided each Friday I will repost a flash back of a post I wrote a year or years ago on that date.
I may not do this every week but I will try my hardest.
So here goes

Flashback Friday 1

27th November 2013
I have had the great honour of having a wonderful energy bought into my life and I wanted to thank her for being as special and wonderful as she is.
Friends are easy to come by but the true loving ones are hard to come by and when you find someone who you find to be an amazing, caring , a loving one, I think you are very lucky.
She has given me more hope, love and friendship than even my family and I class her as one of mine, she stands on higher ground than most of them.
I know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her listening ear and her heart.
Her words have pulled me through the darkest days and I owe her my life in many ways.
What makes her even more special is she stood by our friendship when she could have shut me out when others did.
So I want to thank you for not giving up on me, for putting up with my tears and my broken heart and for being more than a friend and family.
You are one amazing person and I luv you loads.
I hope that our friendship never loses what it has and grows through out the years.
Thank you, thank you so much for being you and being there.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2013/11/27/i-would-rather-walk-with-a-friend-in-the-dark-than-alone-in-the-light/

You are just beginning

imageWe must hold tightly to our core values while at the same time opening our hearts and mind to new ideas, feelings and experiences.
Your own perspective will become clearer when you look at things from different angles. Find ways to provide a healthy challenge to your current understanding of life, and you will discover and experience far more of life’s magic in the days ahead.
As long as you are breathing, you are just beginning.

“A risk I am happy to take.”

imageA little while ago I wrote a post about my little cousin and how proud I am of him.
For those who don’t know him, he has always been a little toerag, but over the last year or so he has upped his game and now he is a delight, a gentleman in the making.
He has come so far, he smashed his GCSEs, became prom king, and got in to two awesome courses at college with no resits. 😃
During the summer, his heart got broken by the girl he totally adored and if I’m honest she has scarred him more than she will ever know.
He moved all the way from his home town Brighton and moved in with me so he could go to the college he wanted.
He is studying computer science and design and public service. I really couldn’t be more proud than I am of him.
His aim is to join the marines or the army and later work in intelligence.
He is doing so well and has been asked to sign up now which is a massive achievement.

This week he has spent the week with the army as part of his course and he is having a blast but more importantly he is having fun doing what he loves and impressing the team he is working with.
I’m so proud but there is a part of me that is scared to death.
With all the hate in the world at the moment, the wars, the bombing, the hated Isis doing their worst, I can’t help but to be tariffed about him.
We have sat for hours talking about what it means to join our services and that without a dealt he will have to take a life but more so that he could lose his.
His reply was,
“If my life is taken from me while I help our country rule out the evil that takes innocent life’s, then it is a risk I am happy to take.”

How can someone so young have so much compassion for others, that alone fills me with pride.

Ps

SPECIAL REQUEST: When filling out your Christmas cards this year, take one card and send it to this address:
A Recovering Soldier,
c/o Queen Elizabeth Hospital,
Mindelsohn Way,
Edgbaston,
Birmingham,
B15 2WB.

Totally sucks.

imageGod I hate today not only is it Ross’s birthday and I can’t wish him a happy one but also its my friend Porters birthday and I can’t wish him it either.
It’s really hard, really, really hard if I’m honest.
The two people I was once closest to are gone and I have no way of telling them how special they are.
Ok I get to write a little message to Porter, which he can’t read, but it helps in a way but with Ross all I want to do is tell him how much I still love him and wish him a happy birthday.
It hurts incredibly.
It hurts every day that I can’t say good morning, good night or see his beautiful smile.
It hurts that I can’t say “I love you” to him.
I would give the world to just be with him again, I would give anything, anything at all.
I love him so so much and it’s slowly killing me.
I so wish that I didn’t love him, trust me I really don’t want to. But he has stolen my heart and I can’t stop the love I have for him.

Pleased as punch

imageFeeling pleased as punch today and a little excited.

A few of my friends and I were sat round chatting at the weekend and one of them brings up my broken heart and his point of view on the way I have been shutting the world out since that day my world stopped spinning.
I heard a few things I didn’t really want to hear but it made me open up a little and say a few home truths about myself and the worst day of my life and I tried so hard to explain why I will never let myself love again. One being that I am still and always will be totally a million, trillion percent in love with Ross.
Any how’s, Rich turned to me, looking rather sad as his eyes filled with tears’ ( I think for the first time, he understood me and the pain I have felt since that day) and he said “But you have so much love to give, I would give the world to be loved by anyone, the way you love him.”
Every one that was sat with us, agreed in one way or another that Rich was right and they would give anything to feel love like I have for Ross.

Well over the last few days, I have been thinking about how cold I have become, how I reject any amount of compassion, family love, friendship, I just won’t let anyone get close to me.
I just can’t, I can’t stand the thought of letting anyone get close.
My walls have gotten so high that I’m at a stage where I don’t want to feel even friendship.

I know that has to change, and that I have to somehow carry on living.
So today I bit the bullet and put myself forward for a volunteer job working with children who through no fault of their own, don’t have a loving, caring, compassionate home life.
The job will be working with foster children, either helping them come to terms with their new placements or sat in on meetings with their parents in hopes to send them back to a happier more loving home.

Within five minutes of them receiving my email, I get an answer and I have the go ahead.
I’m over the moon, seriously chuffed to bits.
And I guess I will be giving a piece of my love to every single person, be it a child or a parent.

So a huge thank you to my friends who made me see that even though I am broken, I still have room in my heart to help and care for others.
I know nothing will ever compare to giving the man you love your heart, your soul and every inch of your being but this feels good and maybe just maybe I can help to make a difference in this heartless world.
Here’s hoping anyway. 😃

Good day

imageFinally a good day.
I went for my venesection today, which I have been doing 5 times a week for a good few months now.
Lucky for me that needles do not bother me but I will openly admit that it gets more painful everyday but that may be the fact that my veins don’t want to play anymore and have vanished. They seem to like to play hide and seek.
For those of you that have met me will know that my veins have always popped out and can been seen from a good mile away, lol.
Not now sadly, but one bonus is that my hands don’t look so old now. Whoop whoop to that.
Anyway, back to it.
The norm is for me to go in and have blood taken, which is then tested to check my levels.
My haemoglobin levels are normally through the roof, which is one reason I am having this treatment.
After the blood results are back, they have to have another fight with my veins in preparation to remove a pint of blood.
The needle is a lot bigger and it has started to hurt more each time they do it, why they can just leave it in, I really don’t know.
After the blood is taken, which takes nearly two hours as my blood is so thick, they clean me up and off I go, until the next day’s appointment.

Well today, was my lucky day, I want, they took blood, I waited for the results and the next needle to go in but nope, one happy smiling nurse comes back and tells me that, my level is 1% below which means I’m spared for today.

That felt so amazing to hear, a weight just lifted .
I never knew I could feel so chuffed to hear the words, “yes you can go home”

So for today, one blood test, kinda positive blood results and an afternoon of freedom.
Back tomorrow though to start all again and lung X-rays and heart monitoring. (kinda heard because its shattered in to a billion trillion pieces)

But for now I feel pretty damn chuffed.
High FIVE to today – Happy, Happy

In the light of something beautiful

Beautiful landscape of glistening frost and snow covered trees coming out of pages in magical book

Beautiful landscape of glistening frost and snow covered trees coming out of pages in magical book

As I woke up to a new day, the world is full of possibilities.
The air is fresh and the world is slowly stirring to the beginning of a new page in the book of our life’s.
As I sat outside, in the frost of the dawn and warm my hands by the heat of my coffee.
My eyes widen to the beauty around me.
The leafs left on the branches or scattered on the ground glisten, spiders web twinkle in the morning sun.
The world begins to thaw, the dew drops falling off the washing line, feeding the earth below.
I smile and think that even though the world can be ugly at times, there may just be hope for us all.

I wrote this a while before I started to blog.
As the country turns into a magical winter wonderland, I thought I would share it with you.

unpredictable

imageLife is often unpredictable.
Some of the greatest moments in your life won’t necessarily be the things you do.. they’ll be things that happen to you. That doesn’t mean you can’t take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action, and you will. But don’t forget that on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change in an instant for better or worse.
Universe has a plan that’s always in motion.
A baby bird flaps its wings and it starts to hail.. it’s a scary thought, but it happens and it’s part of life’s cycle. All these little components of Mother Nature, constantly working.. sometimes forcing you to struggle, and sometimes making sure you end up happy and complete. Either way you will live an unpredictable life, through good and bad times, in turn making you the person you are today.