Totally sucks.

imageGod I hate today not only is it Ross’s birthday and I can’t wish him a happy one but also its my friend Porters birthday and I can’t wish him it either.
It’s really hard, really, really hard if I’m honest.
The two people I was once closest to are gone and I have no way of telling them how special they are.
Ok I get to write a little message to Porter, which he can’t read, but it helps in a way but with Ross all I want to do is tell him how much I still love him and wish him a happy birthday.
It hurts incredibly.
It hurts every day that I can’t say good morning, good night or see his beautiful smile.
It hurts that I can’t say “I love you” to him.
I would give the world to just be with him again, I would give anything, anything at all.
I love him so so much and it’s slowly killing me.
I so wish that I didn’t love him, trust me I really don’t want to. But he has stolen my heart and I can’t stop the love I have for him.


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