Only so many tomorrows.

imageI have to admit the last few days, I learnt a new totally different emotion, I have looked fear straight in the face and I’m kinda ashamed to admit it.
I’m just a tad frightened.
My blood has terrified me.
I knew it was thick, I knew that there is no cure, but I guess I just didn’t want to believe how bad it was.
The last two hospital trips have been an eye opener for sure. And I’m scared, I really scared.
But that fear has to stay right here no this page.
If I have learnt one thing though, it would be………”live each moment in full, in kindness and peace and try to do the best you can with what you have in this moment because that is all you can ever expect of anyone, including yourself.”

A lifetime isn’t very long.
This is your life, and you’ve got to fight for it. Fight for what’s right.
Fight for what you believe in, for what’s important to you, for the people you love, and never forget to tell them how much they mean to you.
Realise that right now you’re lucky because you still have a chance.
So stop for a moment and think. Whatever you still need to do, start doing it today.
There are only so many tomorrows.

Flashback Friday

Moving the Hands of a ClockRolling back the hands of time,something I wish I could do for real, god if only I could, I would be waking up in the arms of the one man who has my heart hook line and sinker. I would be the happiest person alive. Life would be the way it was meant to be, the way I wish it was.
But here I am alone, unloved and trying my hardest to get by without him.
That’s why I like doing Flashback Friday, it reminds me of how happy I once was or shows me that I’m still alive and kicking, doing what I canto get through the day without letting my walls down.
So here is a little flashback to my life and thoughts from a year ago today. Enjoy 😃

Pinterest.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2015/01/29/pinterest/

As the world has hit an all time high of living their life’s through a computer, YES we are all guilty of this.
The Internet is so very powerful, everything you need at a click of a mouse.
Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Google + have taken the world by storm and we all lose hours if not days staring at posts made by random people as well as friends and family.
But that’s another blog post to come.
I want to talk about Pinterest today as its kinda my biggest time waster but also it has opened up my mind and changed my life in a small way.
I know right, how can it change a life.
Well it can.
It’s a place where I can store ideas, open up my imagination and a space that makes me want to better myself and with a mix of YouTube thrown in for good measure, I have archived that in a small way.
Pinterest has opened a world to me that at this stage in my life has been my saving grace.

Growing up, I was made to feel small, unworthy and just damn stupid, this has affected me more than I released and if I think back, it has left scars so deep I don’t know if I will ever believe in myself fully.
My own self-confidence has always been at an all time low, thanks to teachers and parents alike that told me “you are thick, you will never achieve anything”
Those worlds can destroy someone with out you ever knowing it.

So this is where Pinterest comes into play.

There are so many activities on there that you can make, build and learn.

I guess I kinda got into it, when the current house I live in which going to have a big extension.
I spent hours looking at room designs and I mapped out every room in my house.
I then moved onto the garden, which I even started and enjoyed doing, that’s until next doors fences blow down and destroyed all my hard work, as well as pup digging to Australia.
Roll on spring and maybe if I’m still here I can once again, bring the garden back to life.

As my health is poor and I don’t get out much these days apart from hospital visits, I decided I needed something to do, to keep me from going out of my mind at home.
This proved to be harder than I thought, my low self-esteem hit an all time low as I struggled to make or do anything that I wanted to try.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t do it, it’s the fact that I have had it drilled into me, that I couldn’t that held me back.
I really believed I couldn’t.
Something clicked one day and my mindset changed and determination took over, I wasn’t going to be beat.
I worked hard and watched YouTube over and over again until I got it.
I will admit though, at times I wanted to throw everything out the window.
But I didn’t and I finally made something, all by myself.
I was pleased as punch.
I actually made something.
Now my cleaned out cupboards (ready to move) are now filled with fabric, wool, glue, paint boards etc, etc.

I have something to take my mind off all the crap in my life and a way to escape life but in doing so I get to see smiles on people’s faces when I make them a pressie.
And to top that, I have found a part of me that I never knew I had in me.
I’ve proved myself wrong and I achieved something that I believed I couldn’t.
That is a great feeling even with the great big hole it makes in my bank account.
But who cares about that when I see the joy on others faces and I feel the pride in my heart.
Thanks Internet, YouTube and Pinterest for opening up the world to me and somehow making my like a little brighter.

Wish me luck

imageAfter the day I had yesterday, I have to remind myself that “Every bad situation will have something positive. Even a dead clock shows correct time twice a day. Stay positive in life and smile.”

I try so hard to stay positive, to walk through treatment with a smile on my face and an attitude to not let those cruel illnesses beat me.
Yesterday though, lupus kicked my ass to the ground and kicked the sh** out of me, leaving me with the feelings of desperation, fear, exhaustion, failure, and not a pinch of hope.
Yesterday took the light and turned it into a scary, very dark blackness.
How can one day of treatment, knock you so hard that the will to conquer and take the winning flag, couldn’t be further from my mind.
As I sit here dreading today’s hospital visit, knowing that today could knock ten ton of crap out of me again is a terrifying thought.
The thought alone of having that huge needle stabbed into me and pushed and wiggled around is a fear I have never once had, today though the thought of it, make my tummy turn and I want to run, run as far away as I possibly can.
It’s not the pain really, I can tolerate that, it’s the fear of what will come out or won’t come out.
The fear of seeing the colour of my blood, the thickness, the slowness of the flow, but most of all the blood clots.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not scared of blood, I have no fear at all of it, but after my blood clotted in the tubes also blocking the needle, I don’t really fancy seeing that again, feeling the fear that, my blood is pumping around my body like that.
Also the fear of seeing the nurse’s faces of how horrified they were at the speed of how fast I was clotting, on top of that, the look on their faces, as if to say, I have better things to do then to sit her with you for over four hours to only manage to take not even half a pint of blood and the relief on their faces when they decide to give up on trying to get the rest of the pint out of me.
How can less than half a pint of blood take that long to get out, 5 minutes max it should take to give a pint of blood.
I’m sure they are dreading me going today as much as I am.
But I’m going to slap on that smile, that positive attitude and try my up most to not cry.
So here’s to a good day, where lupus, gets a kicking.
Wish me luck, not that I need it, right?

Saved/unsaved

In every challenge there are great doses of life to be lived. Whether you judge a challenge to be a problem or an opportunity says more about you than about the challenge itself.
The way you choose to see the world is the way your world will be. This is what gives life its magic.. it’s a continuous, dynamic phenomenon that becomes exactly what you choose to make it.
Life is ticking away every second.
The worst thing is spending your entire life drowning slowly and not being able to convince yourself that you are in full control, and that you can easily save yourself by simply standing up.
This is your life, made up entirely of your choices, your actions, your thoughts, your emotions. Someday you will either decide to save yourself or remain unsaved forever.

Music in you

The most splendid achievement of all is the constant striving to surpass yourself and to be worthy of your own approval.

This is how happiness blooms.
So don’t wait for someone to bring you roses…..plant your own garden and decorate your own soul with ideas and passions that bring you joy.

You do not exist to impress the world.. you exist to live your life in a way that makes you and your loved ones smile.
Stay true to your path, stay positive, and someday you will catch yourself smiling.

Your best music is still inside you.

The only way to have long-term happiness and success is to live by your highest principles, to consistently act in accordance with what you believe your life is in fact about.
That music you hear inside you motivating you to take risks and follow your dreams is your instinctive calling to the true purpose in your heart and mind.
Don’t ignore it.
Be enthusiastic about all that you do, and the possibilities that lie ahead. Have the courage to pursue your calling.

Don’t let the music fade with you.

 

Pushing down

That moment when you are sat watching something on tv, your content and in a chilled good mood and out of no where you just burst into tears and you just can’t stop crying.

I guess it shows that no matter how much you pushing down the pain, the hurt and the loss, it hasn’t gone away and without warning it bursts and over flows, for no reason, nothing triggers it, it just explodes.

Calm of the storm

Life is not easy, it is difficult. That’s the greatest truth there is.
It’s great because once you understand and accept this truth, once you thoroughly know in your heart and mind that life is difficult, then life gets a lot easier to deal with. Because once difficulty is accepted as a foundation, it no longer surprises you or stops you from building a lifestyle that rises above it.
You write your own destiny through the choices you make. You become what you repeatedly do.
It is more important to know where you are going and why, than to get there quickly.
Every time you are tempted to react to the same old circumstances in the same old way, tell yourself..
Just because it’s stormy now, it doesn’t mean you aren’t headed for sunshine.
And more importantly remember, you cannot heal a lifetime of pain overnight, be patient with yourself, it takes as long as it takes, but your happiness has to be worth the wait, right???

Adjoining waterway

image

Life is about dealing with the question marks and making the best of them without any guarantees for what’s going to happen next.
Nobody on Earth knows how things will turn out for you, which is why you have to press forward every day on the heels of your intuition and passion.If you give it your all,sometimes amazing things happen..Things that you had never expected.
You may feel comfortable bobbing around in the little place that you’re used to play, but if you don’t stretch your comfort zone and venture out into the adjoining waterways, you’ll never discover the beauty and immensity of the ocean.. you will never even know it exists. Holding on to your comfortable routine may be the very reason you often feel like something is missing in your life.
Small changes in your daily routine will make a major difference in your life by helping you grow stronger and more capable in the long-run.
Remember, just because you venture out into the world doesn’t mean you can’t return home whenever you want to. It’s okay to come back to where you started, but it’s not okay to never leave.

Injecting life into your soul.

imageBe who you are.
Explore life’s mysteries until you figure out what matters most to you.
If you sit around for too long, blaming others for the things they did or didn’t do, or knew or didn’t know, you’ll remain sitting in one spot until you pass.
Placing blame is easy, because it means you don’t have to do anything…….you just have to sit around for your entire life.
But that’s not living……that’s dying.
To accept where you are without blame by seizing the present for what it is…….for the opportunities it’s giving you every instant.. that’s what injects life into your soul and ultimately moves you forward.