I will cherish that

imageLooking down at Marly sleeping in her cot and realizing she needed me more than ever, I wanted to be a loving perfect Mum and love her more than anything or anyone, which of course came the second I saw her, hitting me like a ton of bricks, a love so different from any other, a love that consumes every inch of your being, but life was determined to keep ruining our time together.
Hours and hours, weeks and years of hospitals check ups, tests and more tests, scared sleepless nights, more hospital appointments (for both of us)
It wasn’t going to beat us anymore though. I had, had enough of the heartache it had brought us for far too long, and didn’t want to let Marly-Kate down as I knew she had been sent to put me back on track.
So somehow, I have no idea how, we got through the last few years of devastation, loss, hurt, and pain.
Today after a long hard battle and still at times trying to make sense of certain aspects of my life, fighting daily at times, I push forward with grit and determination knowing I will not be beaten by this.
There have been people who have been of great support along the way, one that has passed and who I will never forget and that was my good old friend Porter, of course Ross was my brick in the early days. (I still think about all the selfless support you gave me and miss and love you every day).
So as today starts for me, I want to say thank you to all of you who stood besides me, gave me an ear, sat by mine and Marly-Kate’s hospital bed and held my hand, looked after Marly when I have treatment.
I know I’m not the easiest to give love, care and support to, as I’m very good at building walls and shutting the world out but when I do let someone in to my heart, be it in love or friendship, I give a bond that I never want to lose. I give each friend a little piece of my heart, and that there is a big even huge thing for me.
I don’t let many people in so when I do, it means something.

In your own little ways over the years you saved my life and I will cherish that until I take my last breath.
Thank you. 💗
Happy New Year.


Flashback Friday

imageFlashing back to New Year’s Day 2015.
I can still feel very emotion, every tear and every smile.
Boy it’s been a rocky few years.
High hopes that this year will be better for us all.

Out with the old, in with the new.


2014 was the worst year physically for me and pretty high up on the list of worst years emotionally.
I found inner strength I never know I had, I faced physical pain, I never thought I could feel.
I faced a year of heartache and tears, that I never wanted to feel and still I’m here deeply in love with the man of my dreams, my soul mate. (Note to myself, ” God damn get over him)
I found truth in my family and a love that I never thought I would ever have from them. I lost a lot of friends through being ill but I learnt who really cares.
But I made a few new ones to.
I guess from most negatives there is a positive in there somewhere.

So 2015 is now here, it’s a new day, pretty much the same as every day, but it’s a day of hope for many.
A day that we all set aside to better ourselves.
A day of new beginnings.
To me though it’s just enough day, where I pull strength from deep within, to smile through the pain, to try to have hope in my heart.
A day to be strong, like every other day in my life.
I really do hope though that you all have a wonderful year, that your dreams come true and you are happy.
Happy New Year !