Flashback Friday

Moving the Hands of a ClockRolling back the hands of time,something I wish I could do for real, god if only I could, I would be waking up in the arms of the one man who has my heart hook line and sinker. I would be the happiest person alive. Life would be the way it was meant to be, the way I wish it was.
But here I am alone, unloved and trying my hardest to get by without him.
That’s why I like doing Flashback Friday, it reminds me of how happy I once was or shows me that I’m still alive and kicking, doing what I canto get through the day without letting my walls down.
So here is a little flashback to my life and thoughts from a year ago today. Enjoy 😃

Pinterest.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2015/01/29/pinterest/

As the world has hit an all time high of living their life’s through a computer, YES we are all guilty of this.
The Internet is so very powerful, everything you need at a click of a mouse.
Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Google + have taken the world by storm and we all lose hours if not days staring at posts made by random people as well as friends and family.
But that’s another blog post to come.
I want to talk about Pinterest today as its kinda my biggest time waster but also it has opened up my mind and changed my life in a small way.
I know right, how can it change a life.
Well it can.
It’s a place where I can store ideas, open up my imagination and a space that makes me want to better myself and with a mix of YouTube thrown in for good measure, I have archived that in a small way.
Pinterest has opened a world to me that at this stage in my life has been my saving grace.

Growing up, I was made to feel small, unworthy and just damn stupid, this has affected me more than I released and if I think back, it has left scars so deep I don’t know if I will ever believe in myself fully.
My own self-confidence has always been at an all time low, thanks to teachers and parents alike that told me “you are thick, you will never achieve anything”
Those worlds can destroy someone with out you ever knowing it.

So this is where Pinterest comes into play.

There are so many activities on there that you can make, build and learn.

I guess I kinda got into it, when the current house I live in which going to have a big extension.
I spent hours looking at room designs and I mapped out every room in my house.
I then moved onto the garden, which I even started and enjoyed doing, that’s until next doors fences blow down and destroyed all my hard work, as well as pup digging to Australia.
Roll on spring and maybe if I’m still here I can once again, bring the garden back to life.

As my health is poor and I don’t get out much these days apart from hospital visits, I decided I needed something to do, to keep me from going out of my mind at home.
This proved to be harder than I thought, my low self-esteem hit an all time low as I struggled to make or do anything that I wanted to try.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t do it, it’s the fact that I have had it drilled into me, that I couldn’t that held me back.
I really believed I couldn’t.
Something clicked one day and my mindset changed and determination took over, I wasn’t going to be beat.
I worked hard and watched YouTube over and over again until I got it.
I will admit though, at times I wanted to throw everything out the window.
But I didn’t and I finally made something, all by myself.
I was pleased as punch.
I actually made something.
Now my cleaned out cupboards (ready to move) are now filled with fabric, wool, glue, paint boards etc, etc.

I have something to take my mind off all the crap in my life and a way to escape life but in doing so I get to see smiles on people’s faces when I make them a pressie.
And to top that, I have found a part of me that I never knew I had in me.
I’ve proved myself wrong and I achieved something that I believed I couldn’t.
That is a great feeling even with the great big hole it makes in my bank account.
But who cares about that when I see the joy on others faces and I feel the pride in my heart.
Thanks Internet, YouTube and Pinterest for opening up the world to me and somehow making my like a little brighter.

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Wish me luck

imageAfter the day I had yesterday, I have to remind myself that “Every bad situation will have something positive. Even a dead clock shows correct time twice a day. Stay positive in life and smile.”

I try so hard to stay positive, to walk through treatment with a smile on my face and an attitude to not let those cruel illnesses beat me.
Yesterday though, lupus kicked my ass to the ground and kicked the sh** out of me, leaving me with the feelings of desperation, fear, exhaustion, failure, and not a pinch of hope.
Yesterday took the light and turned it into a scary, very dark blackness.
How can one day of treatment, knock you so hard that the will to conquer and take the winning flag, couldn’t be further from my mind.
As I sit here dreading today’s hospital visit, knowing that today could knock ten ton of crap out of me again is a terrifying thought.
The thought alone of having that huge needle stabbed into me and pushed and wiggled around is a fear I have never once had, today though the thought of it, make my tummy turn and I want to run, run as far away as I possibly can.
It’s not the pain really, I can tolerate that, it’s the fear of what will come out or won’t come out.
The fear of seeing the colour of my blood, the thickness, the slowness of the flow, but most of all the blood clots.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not scared of blood, I have no fear at all of it, but after my blood clotted in the tubes also blocking the needle, I don’t really fancy seeing that again, feeling the fear that, my blood is pumping around my body like that.
Also the fear of seeing the nurse’s faces of how horrified they were at the speed of how fast I was clotting, on top of that, the look on their faces, as if to say, I have better things to do then to sit her with you for over four hours to only manage to take not even half a pint of blood and the relief on their faces when they decide to give up on trying to get the rest of the pint out of me.
How can less than half a pint of blood take that long to get out, 5 minutes max it should take to give a pint of blood.
I’m sure they are dreading me going today as much as I am.
But I’m going to slap on that smile, that positive attitude and try my up most to not cry.
So here’s to a good day, where lupus, gets a kicking.
Wish me luck, not that I need it, right?