Let your scars remind you

Tragedy should be used as a source of strength.
Someday when you least expect it life will blindside you with necessary chaos. And once the chaos has ended, you won’t remember exactly how you made it through, or where you found the strength you needed to carry on. You won’t even be sure whether the chaos has completely ended. But there is one thing you can be sure about.. When it does finally come to an end, you will be a much stronger person than who you were before it happened, which is precisely why it was necessary.
So let your scars remind you that you did indeed survive your deepest wounds.
This in itself is a major accomplishment. And let them continue to bring to mind the fact that the damage life has inflicted on you has, in many ways and places, left you stronger and more resilient.
I for one have to believe this or I would shatter and break, more so than I already am.
There has to be hope that my wounds will heal and I can once again feel some sort of peace.
Without that hope I don’t know how I even got this far.
Hope is my strength, my saviour, my sanity.
Without it, I know I wouldn’t be here.


Flashback Friday

Friday has come round again, where the heck did that week go.
Looking back to find a post for today’s flashback Friday, I was a little disappointed to only see one available post from the 26th Feb, which is below.
This time last year I was in Iceland, living out a dream of mine, I brought the trip as a pressie for Ross, which we never got to go on together which breaks my heart, I know it was also a dream of his. I nearly sold my tickets etc on to friends but I decide that was just a thing that I would add to my list of regrets, so I bite the bullet and went and wow just wow, it was truly amazing but I was left everyday with an ache so deep in my heart that we should have been doing it together, anyway I most of wrote the below post when I was there.
So here goes flashback Friday post below

Patiently waiting……


Surrender your worries and embrace peace and life.
Realise that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a deeper self who is eternally at peace. Because inner peace does not depend on external conditions.
It’s what remains when you’ve surrendered your ego and worries.
Peace can be found within you at any place and at any time. It’s always there, patiently waiting for you to turn your attention toward it.
Peace of mind arrives the moment you come to peace with what’s on your mind. It happens when you let go of the need to be anywhere but where you are, physically and emotionally. This acceptance of the way things are creates the foundation for inner happiness.
The need for something to be different in this moment is nothing more than a worry, and worries simply lead you in circles.
Remember, the same part of you that longs for peace is the part of you that experiences peace. It is not complicated to achieve and is as close as your next thought.

Needless expectations

You cannot find peace by avoiding life.
Life spins with unexpected changes every hour, so instead of avoiding it, take every change and experience as a challenge for growth.
Either it will give you what you want or it will teach you what the next step is.
Finding peace and happiness in life does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, no challenges, and no hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things while remaining calm in your heart.
This isn’t easy……it will be an ongoing struggle. Life is too short to spend at war with yourself. Letting go of needless expectations is your first step to happiness.
Come from a mindset of peace and acceptance, and you can deal with almost anything and grow beyond it.

The best of it

Every time it rains, it stops raining.
After darkness there is always light.. you are reminded of this every morning, but still you often forget, and instead choose to believe that the night will go on forever.
It won’t.
Nothing lasts.
So if things are good right now, enjoy it. It won’t last forever.
If things are bad, don’t worry because it won’t last forever either.
Just because life isn’t easy at the moment, doesn’t mean you can’t laugh.
Just because something is bothering you, doesn’t mean you can’t smile.
Every moment gives you a new beginning and a new ending. You get a second chance, every second. You just have to take it and make the best of it.

Give yourself a break

Still your mind.
Change your perception, belief or opinion about your circumstances.
Doing so will help you change your attitude and ultimately allow you to grow beyond the struggles you can’t control.
In order to gain conscious control of what goes on in your mind, you need to develop a keen awareness for this process.
What helps is to hold still for a moment,
take a deep breath and free your mind of all the chatter that’s going on inside and all around. This makes room for a change of state, for something new to enter.
So give yourself a break.
Yes, you have battles out in the world to fight, insecurities to overcome, loved ones to contend with and goals to achieve, but a break from it all is necessary.
It’s perfectly healthy to pause and let the world spin without you for a while.
If you don’t, you will burn yourself out. You must refill your bucket on a regular basis.
That means catching your breath, finding quiet solitude,
focusing your attention inward, and otherwise making time for recovery from the chaos of your routine.

Mountains in your mind

Don’t build mountains in your mind.
Don’t try to conquer the world all at once.
When you seek instant gratification you make life unnecessarily painful and frustrating. When you choose instead to treat each moment as an opportunity to make a tiny, positive investment in yourself, the rewards come naturally.
When everything is broken, it’s easy to find plenty of little things you can fix. When nothing seems to be going right, even the most fundamental positive effort can make a significant difference.
Times of great adversity are also times of great opportunity. When there are problems in every direction, there is also great value waiting to be created.
When everything is going well, it’s easy to get lulled into a routine of complacency. It’s easy to forget how incredibly capable and resourceful you can be. Resolve to persevere by making tiny fixes every day. It’s these minor tweaks that take you from where you are to where you want to be in the long run.
Small steps, little leaps, and tiny fixes, very small repetitive changes, every day will get you there, through thick and thin.


Flashback Friday

Enough week is coming to an end, the clock is slowly ticking closer to the weekend.
And once again it’s time to rewind back the clock to past blogs.
While looking back to find a blog post to share, I released that on the 19th Feb, I have written a few powerful post.
It was hard to pick one, 3 of them are in the running but I have decided to post one that may help others.
I will admit it makes me sick to the stomach to post this and shame and embarrassment washes over me and once again I have to put myself in the firing line of judgement in hopes that it may just help someone.
On a positive note, one I am very proud of, I have kept a promise, that I made to Ross, that I wouldn’t ever do this again and I have NOT.
I’ve kept that promise alive.
So here goes……………..

The first cut is the deepest.


My mum has asked me to write a blog, to try to explain to her why I self harm.
She asked me to try to make her understand why I would put myself at danger and why is it so hard to express my feelings without hurting myself.

I have self harmed since I was about 10 years old, and I believed I always had it under control.
I’m sure reading that, you are thinking, “Under control, how on earth is that controlled?”
When I say controlled I mean, I always use a clean blade, made sure someone was always at home, incase I cut too deep, that I cleaned and dressed the cut.

So maybe you are thinking Freak, well you would be within your right to think so.
But please bare with me while I try to explain this the best I can.
I believe this will be the hardest blog I will ever write and I am putting myself out there to be judged by you all.
A huge risk for me to take, but if I can put my mum’s mind at rest and even help someone out there understand a little, I believe that it is worth the risk.

I will always remember my first cut, the pain was incredible, and seeing the blood, made me feel sick and if I am honest I looked at myself and thought ” OMG I’m a freak”
I now can not remember why I made that first cut or why I did it again.
 (Maybe it wasn’t that bad after all, or I would remember why I did it.)

One cut I remember above all the others, I was about 12 years old.
I had been through an awful chapter in my life and I felt so much emotional pain that I did not know how to deal with it.
I felt totally alone in my life and I had no one to turn to.
I picked up a blade and without any thought to it, I cut my wrist.
I didn’t even notice the pain, I felt a release of all the emotional pain built up inside, leaking out with my blood.
All the hurt and anger pumped out of me and I felt free for the first time in months.
After that with every cut I made, my pain drained out, my soul was free, and disappointment was gone.

But Cutting is an addiction that you cannot stop once you’ve started, that’s why it’s such a tragedy.
You cut to feel better, sadly though, the whole time you are risking your own life.
What if you cut too deep and you end up killing yourself?
Last year, this nearly happened, I was lost and I cut too deeply and ended up in hospital. I nearly died.
If it was not for two certain people, one who knows me better than I know myself, he called for help which in turn, lead to me being taken to hospital, given blood transfusions etc.

I cannot really remember much about that day, but I know, I would not be here to tell this tale if it wasn’t for them.
I thank them for keeping me alive.

I still didn’t learn and I cut again and again, 
It’s was EASIER to deal with the Physical pain then the Emotional pain.
For some reason I saw the light, I saw a different view on life and now I hardly cut at all and when I do, it doesn’t give me the sense of freedom, it hurts and I am disappointed in myself.
It adds to the problems, and you know what, those problems are nothing compared to others.
So why am I letting them get to me.
My scars may have faded with the help of laser treatment and the depression suppressed but the urge will always be with me.
I am sure as sure, can be, that I can beat it, I want to beat it.

Instead of looking at the bad I’m trying to see the good that surrounds me.
Every day is a new beginning and a new page in my book of life.
As I have said many times,
” Life is for living, a gift.”
So when I go to cut myself, I now step back and think about,

what if it goes wrong? what am I leaving behind?

and then I see that life is worth having the bad days for.
With out the bad your can not see how good the good really is.

Life isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to be lived, sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.
That’s what living is all about.

Self harm may help you for a split second, but the long-term damage is not worth it.
Please if you ever feel like it’s the only way, count to 10 look around you and see something beautiful,
a Smile, a Picture, a Flower, a Friend, remember a perfect Memory, think of your dreams, you still want to come true and tell yourself, to be strong.
If all else fails, remember you are loved and not alone. There are people to talk to who care and love you, for who you are.
Every cut you make hurts them to.

If you still can’t shake the feeling, remember this blog and throw me a message, maybe I could help.

Let your story

It is so difficult when life seems to be going well then all of a sudden you start spiraling into a depressive state, (sometimes not even knowing why) and then you feel you can find no way out of them black clouds as they get darker and darker.
You think you are a burden on everyone if you turn to them, or you are scared to speak out because of stigma.
Well guess what, you are not a burden at all and the tide is turning with attached stigmas to mental health. Don’t sit there and suffer in silence trying to make sense of it all, as for now the main thing is to try to get yourself back on track and feeling better. If any of my friends are struggling please speak out, not only can you help ‘YOU’ but you can help many ‘OTHERS’ too.
Let your story help change someone else’s life.

Calm to chaos

The reason for suffering, in all walks of life, is the resistance to life’s inevitable changes.
To have lived is to have changed often. Sometimes this is hard to accept.
What you have today may become what you had by tomorrow. You never know.
Things change, often spontaneously. People and circumstances come and go. Life doesn’t stop for anybody, it moves rapidly and rushes from calm to chaos in a matter of seconds, and happens like this to people every day. It’s likely happening to someone nearby right now.
Sometimes the shortest split second in time changes the direction of our lives. A seemingly innocuous decision rattles our whole world like a meteorite striking Earth.
Entire lives have been swiveled and flipped upside down, for better or worse, on the strength of an unpredictable event, these events are always happening. However good or bad a situation is now, it will change.
That’s the one thing you can count on.
And while you resist change, and suffer sometimes just like everyone else, you have to learn to adapt, you have to learn to be flexible and look for the beauty in life’s changes, even when they aren’t what you want.