Flashback Friday

imageIt’s that time again, that I look back on past blogs and share the memories but also share a little of my week.
Well this one has been a funny old week, a roller coasters of emotions. Highs, lows, determination, anger (at myself), reminiscing, hope, just to name a few.
This week I put myself in a position that could have let a lot of people down. I photographed a wedding for the first time in a long, long time. Boy it was hard work, but I really couldn’t be prouder of myself for getting out there and doing it, against my better judgement. I think I pulled it off and got some crackers.
Mainly though this week, memories have been the biggest player (see last blog), today for sure is one of those days as its my favourite cousins birthday. We lost her last year to cancer . ๐Ÿ˜ข
She was like a big sister to me as we grow up, and my sister Jane and I wanted so badly to be like her. It’s funny how kids always want to be like someone, now I just want to be me, with no judgement.
Anyway let’s get going with this weeks flashback, which was one of my very first blogs.
This one is kinda special as it’s all about my sister.
Enjoy and hopefully I’ll see you back here soon.
Take care, smile and laugh your weekend away.

A silent grief.
I remember holding hands and skipping along the road, singing our childhood songs, siting on the stones by the old pier watching the waves crash against the shore.
Making wishes on the first star we saw.
How sweet and innocent we were back then, thinking we had all the time we needed, that life was endless and we would go on forever.
I remember you being scared at the thunder storms and you running in and jumping in bed with me, snuggling in as tight as you could.
I would tell you story’s of princess’s, castle, fairies and brave knights that would whisk you off you feet.
Our dream world was perfect and as long as we had each other, the monsters could not get us.
From teddy bear tea party’s to climbing trees, our adventures were wonderful and as we grow, our bond and friendship became our strength, our hope and our understanding.
Now for what ever reason your to good for this world and I’ve lost you, in doing so I lost apart of my soul, but I hold on to our memories and pray that you are safe and looking down on me, looking out for me.
The love that we shared will always be with me and as my silent tears fall as I think of you my baby sister, I smile at the joy and pleasure your brought to my life.
And I will not cry any more because one day, when I’m wise and old I will see you again and we can sing like children, make wishes upon stars and hold hands like we did before but this time it will be extra perfect because we will never need to be parted in sorrow again.
I miss you, love you, my dear sister.
Watch over me โค

Somewhere the sun is shining

imageToday marks the 15 year anniversary of my dear friends death.
A day that changed a lot of people’s life’s forever, the day I lost one of my closest best friends.
We meet at play school and we were joined at the hip from that day forward.
He was a pickle, that was for sure, a lovable rogue but a truly delightful one. He lightened up everyday and everyone he knew.
He was pretty damn special. The fun we had, the mischief we caused, there wasn’t a dull moment that was for such.
He was by my side at my 18th birthday, as we got totally hammered at Butlins. If only you could see the photos of our crazy week spent in Bognor Regis. He was the funniest guy I had met and had this energy about him, that no one could quite put their finger on even now, it’s hard to explain.
We did our first Ouija board together, our first wheelybin ride down the huge hill we lived near, he handed me my very first joint (I know, I know drugs are bad ๐Ÿ˜ but I guess I was about 16 at the time and how could I say no to such a cheeky face)
We slept out in woods, garages, empty houses, any where we could find, when our parents thought we were tucked up safe and sound at friends houses.
We were arrested together the first and last time for me. But we were marched home by the pigs in blue many times after because they had found us sleeping rough.
I was there (in the next tent) when he lost his big V.
He was truly an awesome guy, one I will never forget or even begin to get over his death.

15 years ago, he decided he had, had enough of life and while he was out with a different group of friends, not the best kind and I swear that may be a little part to play into why he swallowed all those tables, you see he was a drifter, he drifted between so many friends group, because he was loved by so many.
But on that dreadful night, for reasons we will never understand, he took his own life.
A life that shouldn’t have been taken, a life that is heavily missed every single day, a life that was wasted, truly wasted.
I will never understand why he had to go, what was so bad that he couldn’t talk to anyone, no one had a clue he was so unhappy, not a single clue.
My mum bumped into him the morning before, and he had ran at her with the biggest hug and he was happy, really happy.
And the next morning, we got the call to say he was gone.
No amount of words can sum up the gut punch we all received that day, no amount of tears could ever take the pain away.
A waste of a life, I still can’t believe it to this day and I will never understand why the friends he was with did nothing, nothing at all when he told them what he had taken. I guess most of them were off their faces on the prescription drugs that were all the fad at the time among this group of friends. I guess maybe they thought he was looking for a bigger high, sadly that wasn’t the case.

I still can’t believe he’s gone, why, why, why he would do it.
What was making him so unhappy?
We found out afterwards that he had extra low zinc levels, maybe that was it, maybe it had unbalanced something in his brain. I guess though even all these years later, we will never know.
It’s hard even to this day. If only I had seen him that day, maybe I could of talked him through it, got help, anything just to still have him here.

His funeral was one of the hardest I’ve ever been to, but boy wasn’t he loved, the church was full to the brim, no room even left to stand, they even put the load speakers outside so the people that could get into the church could still listen and be a part of it.

Below is the poem I gave to him on that day, it summed our friendship up to a tee and still to this day, he will be one of the best friends I ever had.
I miss him, I truly miss him and he’s cheeky ways.
I wonder what he would be doing now if he was still with us.
The extra sad part to his story is that a few years later, we woke to the news that his dad, had taken his life also.
Their poor family, their poor, poor family.
Life is very cruel, hard and unbalanced but there is always hope, there is someone out there that can help or even just listen. You really don’t need to be alone.
I for one know of their pain, I’ve been there and failed and even though my life is far from perfect and I will never be complete or half as happy as I once was, I’m glad I’m here fighting the fight because life no matter how hard it is is worth fighting for.
Even if it comes down to it being a case of not hurting the ones you would leave behind.
I have seen, felt, indued both sides of the story. And I’m still here fighting those demons. But life is beautiful, you just need to open your eyes that little wider, take deeper breaths and cry as much as you need to.
The main goal though, is to never give up.
I will leave you with this beautiful poem, his poem. ๐Ÿ’”

Somewhere the sun is shining,
and the clouds are not in sight.
Somewhere someone’s laughing,
and talking about what might.
What might have been another year,
for us to spend together.
What might have been another time,
that I could cherish forever.
Somewhere two people laugh and joke,
and carry on all day.
Talk about their past and future,
in an extraordinary way.
They talk about the last few years,
and how they made a bond.
They found it funny they both were different,
but both especially fond.
Fond of each other everyday,
so genuine and true.
A friend to tell of all your worries,
if ever you were blue.
To trust with all my secrets,
and keeping yours close to heart.
Knowing you will comfort me,
and sharing all our art.
Somewhere the sun is shining,
and we will meet again.
Become the friends we always were,
and talk about what’s been.
Although you’re gone I know you’re here,
to help me through hard times.
Help me make the right decisions,
when I don’t see the signs.
Somewhere the sun is shining,
and you will be in my heart.
For you were more like a brother to me,
and we shall never part.
This is the time to let you know,
how much I really cared.
I love you for you no matter what,
and cherish the moments that we shared.

Even if I’m not

imageHe’s still my best friend.
He’s still the beating of my heart.
He’s still the blood pumping through my veins.
He’s still my light at the end of the ever so dark tunnel.
He’s still my stars in the sky.
He’s still the moon light flickering on the shore line.
He’s still my favourite cup of coffee.
He’s still the love of my life.
He’s still my heart, my soul, my whole being.
He’s still the air I breathe.
He’s still my first and last thought of every day.
He still consumes every inch of me.
He’s still the light the empowers me
He’s still the warmth from the sun.
He’s still my dreams.
He’s still my hope.
He’s still my everything.
He’s still my one and only
Even if I’m not his.

Flashback Friday

imageAnother week over, another week older, another week wiser, another week stronger (well maybe)
Time is flying.
This week has been a good but different one.
Lots of creativity, loads of positive steps in getting healthy, lots of laughter but also tears.
But the most important part of this week was seeing Marly-Kate’s face glow with excitement as she opened her birthday pressie’s, which she got far to many. A huge thank you to everyone that made her little eyes light up and made her day the best it could be.
The worst about the week was last night when I asked her
“Did all your dreams come true today sweetheart?”
Her reply broke my heart ๐Ÿ’”

“No mummy, all I want for my birthday is for you to see daaaaa…….Ross. I want happy mummy”

Those words just shattered me into a trillion pieces. ๐Ÿ˜ข Even though those words cut through me like a knife, the beauty in those words are incredible. How very beautiful and special is my little girls soul, to want something not for herself but for me. That is so touching and incredibly humble and beautiful.

I guess it kinda makes this weeks flashback kinda perfect.
So I will leave you with “Heart to heart” and hope you have an awesome weekend, stay safe, positive and smile because you know what a true smile is truly bewitching.

imageHeart to heart

So the weekend is over and as I step back into my every day life that if I have to admit, it’s pretty good even if it is a struggle.
The weekend is over but is playing havoc with my mind.
One of my long time friends came to stay for the weekend and even though I had a blast in spending time with someone I do not give enough time to and picking up my camera, which I’m told I do not do enough.
Our imaginations ran wild and I felt a sense of pride in myself as photography came back to me so naturally.
It’s been a long time since I picked my camera up, I guess I just haven’t felt well enough to let my mind race with the possibilities that light can give us. My phone is my snap happy camera, as I just haven’t had the mind-set to do anything other than pull it out my pocket and take standard pictures, with no thought or love.
It felt good to see an image I had created with my mind, my heart and my soul.
It also felt good to laugh and smile until I was told to sit, and listen.
A good old heart to heart began.

I sat and listened to my friend tell me that I have lost not only my sparkle, but the life from my eyes.

I was told that no amount of my trying would ever replace, the glow I once had, that no smile will ever match, the one I wore and no amount of trying will ever mend the part of me that broke into a trillion pieces that day my life, my love, my heart and soul came crashing down around me.

The funny thing is I already know that, but hearing it from one of my life long friends, kind of brought it home.

I’ve forgotten how to truly be happy, to truly smile, to be the person who had her dream in her hands and the love of her life in her life.
That love, that undying love that made me glow, that made my heart take flight, that love that made me breathe in air for the first time, that love that completed me.

I have finally had to face that life no matter how hard I try to be happy, normal, care free, will always be filled with an emptiness so deep within my soul, that my eyes will never shine and twinkle the way I wish they would, the way they did when I was with him.

It’s hard to hear from friends that even though I smile, laugh, joke and live, that my eyes hold no secrets and bear all to see, that my light will never burn as brightly and beautifully as they once did.
I’ve always said the eyes are the window to the soul, I just didn’t see that my soul is so easy to read.

The start of something new

imageGood morning and I hope you all had an awesome weekend and a delightful week ahead.
My weekend was a good one and the start of something new, which has brought endless smiles, laughter and hope.
You see we’ve started our very own little adventure which holds new beginnings and positivity.
Let me explain.
Last week my constants all had a meeting together to discuss my future plans for different trail treatments (hopefully something that will help to ease life.)
One suggestion was to work with a highly trained team to get my modality too better levels, which means hours and hours of hydrotherapy, or aquatic therapy. This has been tried before, sadly with no happy outcome. The other treatment I will sure write about when they start, but they all seem interesting, time-consuming but hopefully helpful.
Any way, I decided to take things into my own hands with a little help from my friend Rich.
I brought myself a push bike.๐Ÿšด
I have brought Marly-Kate one for her birthday as she just loves to scoot around on the farm but she is fastly growing out of hers. (Sssshhhhh don’t tell me as she doesn’t have it yet. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she sees her big girls bike)
I will admit that when we took are first ride, I was very nervous even scared. It would be her first time riding solo on a road without someone next to her in case she wobbled but in true Marly-Kate style she proved that she can hold her own and how determined she is to succeed. I’m very, very proud of her.
My fear just wasn’t for her but for myself also.
I knew it would be very painful, hard work and I didn’t want to disappoint my very excited little girl.
I had to do this even though I knew deep down that I could be making myself fall at the first hurdle. I knew the pain would be extreme and that I would have to grit my teeth and push through, also there was the fact that I haven’t been on a push bike for a very long time and that alone was a small fear all by itself.
Well we did it, slowly but surly we did it. Through gritted teeth and determination we had our very first bike ride together.
I will admit that it hurt, it hurt like hell, and by the end of it my foot was black and totally numb. But it felt so good, so, so, good.
So our new adventure started and we carried it on yesterday, sadly though we didn’t get any further than the day before, which I secretly hoped we would but as Rich kept reminding me, small steps are the way to go, no point pushing it and doing more damage.
I totally get that but there is that side of me, that has always pushed me to do better, to go faster, to win.
I really didn’t think I had that still in me, I have competed in sport for a very long time, I guess you never lose that competitiveness once it’s in your blood.
I was once a great athlete, with an amazing further in front of me, I guess that still lives on, I just didn’t release it.
I know I can never be that fit, determined athlete again but it’s kinda nice to know it’s not totally lost. That somewhere in me lays the person I once was before I lost myself through love and heartbreak.
Not only that but hopefully that fire burning deep within my soul can be the flames I need to burn is illness into control and I can take my life back.
In turn making my daughter happy and giving her the freedom of the countryside around us.
I say roll on 3.20 when school ends and we can try to do it again, and hopefully get a little bit further, in time get to Salisbury where we can sit eat ice cream and motivate ourselves for the ride home. It’s a long way off but we will get there, I’m determined not to let my health beat me. I’m determined to give my daughter the memories she deserves.
I would like to say a huge thank you to Rich for being by Marly-Kate’s side and support us through this adventure. Don’t forget that helmet this time, if only so we can take the piss. ๐Ÿ˜ No really it’s best to be safe than sorry.

Have a great day guys and enjoy this gorgeous weather.
Toodalio ๐Ÿšฒ

You’re doing fine

Your inner light is seen.
Your heart is heard.
Your spirit is treasured by more people than you imagine.
If you knew how many others have been touched in profound ways by you, you would be astounded.
If you knew how many people feel so much for you, you would be speechless.
You are far more brilliant than you think you are.

Rest easy with that knowledge. Breathe in and out, and again.
You are doing fine.
More than fine.
Better than fine.
Youโ€™re doing great.
So relax.
And love yourself today.

Flashback Friday

imageTime sure is flying fast at the moment, can’t believe it’s Friday already. Where did that week go and what a crazy week is was. Think I’m about ready for some normality, can’t see that happening any time soon though, it really is all go here and exhaustion is starting to play havoc with what I wish to do and what I can do but with major work starting hopefully next week on my humble home and hospital appointments one after the other and the summer holiday starting next week, I can’t see rest happening any time soon but hey isn’t that what life’s about, living.
So this week has been totally crazy, from hospital, creativity, police, everyday chores too fun-filled weekends. It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride. Mostly good apart from my little cousin having his 125 motorbike stolen.
I guess you can’t have the good without the bad, anyway as the clock is ticking and my day is getting away with me, I will get on with it and share a post from this time last year. I was going to share a different post with you but with all the horrific news that we woke to this morning, it just doesn’t seem right to post it.
I really don’t know what this world is coming to but my heart is full of compassion for all the family’s, friends and loved one who have had their life’s ripped apart in the terror attack in Nice. My heart goes out to you all. โค๏ธ

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2014/07/15/is-it-wrong/

Is it wrong
.
.
.
.
.
To miss you this much?

Is it wrong
.
.
.
.
.
To love you this much.

Is it wrong
.
.
.
.
.
To want you in my life as much as I do.

Is it really that wrong
.
.
.
.
.
To hope that one day, I will see you.

Is it wrong,
.
.
.
.
.
To want to hold you, love you, care for you and love you some more.

To me it’s not wrong, it feels deep within my soul, that I’m meant to be with you, loving you, every second of every day.

Flashback Friday

image It’s Friday, and that means one thing, it’s Flashback time. ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

Before that though, how fast are the weeks rolling into months into our own memories.
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind, it’s hasn’t stopped. Two apparently awesome weekends, spent with amazing people. Loads of laughter, smiles and totally silliness. It’s been fun and it’s not over yet, it’s the weekend after all. ๐Ÿ˜œ
Life is flying by, there is not enough time in the day but there is always tomorrow.
Any way back to it.
Today I’m sharing with you a flash back from many moons ago, when life was simple but just didn’t seem that way then. If the hands of time could tick backwards I would love to do it all again but how different I would be.
My head would be down and I would want to listen, I would want to learn. I would want to give myself the best chance at life I could but I wouldn’t change the fun, the laughter, the mischief.
So without further ado, I give you

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2013/07/10/how-funny-2/

Today I have been reading my old school reports, they did make me laugh. It’s good to smile ๐Ÿ™‚

Thought I would share a few parts with you.
Itโ€™s shocking really.
Got to say I wasnโ€™t the brightest, or driven pupil. I hated school.

Tutor comments.
Although at times a little disorganized Roseanne is a very enthusiastic and cheerful pupil who is always willing to help.
After a somewhat shakey term I am pleased to report that Roseanne has settled down and now seems far happier. Roseanne is a very caring and considerate pupil and an asset to the group.

English.
Roseanne has made steady progress. Her ability to write and enjoy poetry is evident, and her use of language is increasingly more confident.

Mathematics Faculty.
Roseanne must try to be more organised in her approach to lessons and homework. Iโ€™m sure that a little more concentration would result in a more overall standard.

Geography.
Roseanne has had an unsettled term. Her work has been very untidy and she has been forgetting about handing in her book for marking. Overall test result is 49%.

Religious Studies.
Test result 24%, this is very disappointing.
Handwriting and presentation requires special care.

Drama.
Continues to mature in ideas and presentation.

Physical Education Faculty.
Unfortunately Roseanne has yet to reveal her full potential, as all too often she appears content to take a back seat, despite the fact that she is an extremely talented pupil capable of achieving high levels of success.
Roseanne has produced a particularly high standard of work this term. Despite struggling with her tennis she is always willing to accept advice in an attempt to improve. However her commitment to Athletics has been over whelming and worthy of great praise.
Roseanne is a regular attender of after school clubs and has represented the u13 athletics team.

Hmmmm, how bad is that.lol