Today I am flashing back to a very deep, troubling time in my life, a time that sadly hasn’t ended and even though I have come so far, my heart is still in a trillion pieces, it has healed, it hasn’t even begun to heal. But that being said I’m still fighting on hour by hour and day by day.
But you know what I still smile, I get up and do the best I can, I’m living but still there is part of me that gone, disappeared, crashed, broken, but still here I am soldering on, making the best of what I can.
So without further ado I give you this weeks flashback.
A person who tries to kill herself/himself doesn’t do so out of ‘hopelessness’ or not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person who’s in invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning building. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great but it’s the other terror, the fire’s flames, when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. And yet nobody down on the pavement looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump.
You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
The same goes for a person who tries to commit suicide.
The fear of life ahead of you for no matter what reason you are dreading it, it’s not that fear that makes you want to end your own life, it’s the pain that won’t leave you, it’s there in everything you try to do. It’s the pain that over rides every other emotion.
Your under attack from your own feelings, your own mind and heart.
And unless you have been there, done it, tried it there is no way on this earth you can begin to understand the reasons behind it.
God I wish you could.
The endless questions you get thrown at you, the main one being Do you feel the desire to harm yourself right now ? but even giving the answers, do they really understand, how can you, you can’t see into my mind, feel what I’m feeling, or put yourself in my shoes. There is no way, you can understand this because I don’t understand myself.
“Did I really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.”
That’s the only answer I have right now.
And yes I still want the pain to go away and think to myself ” why did I wake up ? Why am I still here? Why do I have to live a life time of misery and heartache?”
There are so many questions, so many what ifs.
But if there is one thing that I’ve learnt from waking up, it’s that.
Maybe it just wasn’t my time to go, that I have unfinished business and I have to prove what needs to be proven.
Maybe that’s the reason I’m not in a better place, that I’m free from heartache.
So this is my promise to you.
I will fight those burning flames that are pushing me closer to that window, I will not give up until I have proven I’m worthy.
Because I believe what the answers will give is worth getting burnt for, it’s worth the heartache, the pain, love is worth everything and I will give my all to prove that. To once again feel something other than misery.