Flashback Friday

imageAnother week over, another week older, another week wiser, another week stronger (well maybe)
Time is flying.
This week has been a good but different one.
Lots of creativity, loads of positive steps in getting healthy, lots of laughter but also tears.
But the most important part of this week was seeing Marly-Kate’s face glow with excitement as she opened her birthday pressie’s, which she got far to many. A huge thank you to everyone that made her little eyes light up and made her day the best it could be.
The worst about the week was last night when I asked her
“Did all your dreams come true today sweetheart?”
Her reply broke my heart 💔

“No mummy, all I want for my birthday is for you to see daaaaa…….Ross. I want happy mummy”

Those words just shattered me into a trillion pieces. 😢 Even though those words cut through me like a knife, the beauty in those words are incredible. How very beautiful and special is my little girls soul, to want something not for herself but for me. That is so touching and incredibly humble and beautiful.

I guess it kinda makes this weeks flashback kinda perfect.
So I will leave you with “Heart to heart” and hope you have an awesome weekend, stay safe, positive and smile because you know what a true smile is truly bewitching.

imageHeart to heart

So the weekend is over and as I step back into my every day life that if I have to admit, it’s pretty good even if it is a struggle.
The weekend is over but is playing havoc with my mind.
One of my long time friends came to stay for the weekend and even though I had a blast in spending time with someone I do not give enough time to and picking up my camera, which I’m told I do not do enough.
Our imaginations ran wild and I felt a sense of pride in myself as photography came back to me so naturally.
It’s been a long time since I picked my camera up, I guess I just haven’t felt well enough to let my mind race with the possibilities that light can give us. My phone is my snap happy camera, as I just haven’t had the mind-set to do anything other than pull it out my pocket and take standard pictures, with no thought or love.
It felt good to see an image I had created with my mind, my heart and my soul.
It also felt good to laugh and smile until I was told to sit, and listen.
A good old heart to heart began.

I sat and listened to my friend tell me that I have lost not only my sparkle, but the life from my eyes.

I was told that no amount of my trying would ever replace, the glow I once had, that no smile will ever match, the one I wore and no amount of trying will ever mend the part of me that broke into a trillion pieces that day my life, my love, my heart and soul came crashing down around me.

The funny thing is I already know that, but hearing it from one of my life long friends, kind of brought it home.

I’ve forgotten how to truly be happy, to truly smile, to be the person who had her dream in her hands and the love of her life in her life.
That love, that undying love that made me glow, that made my heart take flight, that love that made me breathe in air for the first time, that love that completed me.

I have finally had to face that life no matter how hard I try to be happy, normal, care free, will always be filled with an emptiness so deep within my soul, that my eyes will never shine and twinkle the way I wish they would, the way they did when I was with him.

It’s hard to hear from friends that even though I smile, laugh, joke and live, that my eyes hold no secrets and bear all to see, that my light will never burn as brightly and beautifully as they once did.
I’ve always said the eyes are the window to the soul, I just didn’t see that my soul is so easy to read.


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