Today marks the 15 year anniversary of my dear friends death.
A day that changed a lot of people’s life’s forever, the day I lost one of my closest best friends.
We meet at play school and we were joined at the hip from that day forward.
He was a pickle, that was for sure, a lovable rogue but a truly delightful one. He lightened up everyday and everyone he knew.
He was pretty damn special. The fun we had, the mischief we caused, there wasn’t a dull moment that was for such.
He was by my side at my 18th birthday, as we got totally hammered at Butlins. If only you could see the photos of our crazy week spent in Bognor Regis. He was the funniest guy I had met and had this energy about him, that no one could quite put their finger on even now, it’s hard to explain.
We did our first Ouija board together, our first wheelybin ride down the huge hill we lived near, he handed me my very first joint (I know, I know drugs are bad 😝 but I guess I was about 16 at the time and how could I say no to such a cheeky face)
We slept out in woods, garages, empty houses, any where we could find, when our parents thought we were tucked up safe and sound at friends houses.
We were arrested together the first and last time for me. But we were marched home by the pigs in blue many times after because they had found us sleeping rough.
I was there (in the next tent) when he lost his big V.
He was truly an awesome guy, one I will never forget or even begin to get over his death.
15 years ago, he decided he had, had enough of life and while he was out with a different group of friends, not the best kind and I swear that may be a little part to play into why he swallowed all those tables, you see he was a drifter, he drifted between so many friends group, because he was loved by so many.
But on that dreadful night, for reasons we will never understand, he took his own life.
A life that shouldn’t have been taken, a life that is heavily missed every single day, a life that was wasted, truly wasted.
I will never understand why he had to go, what was so bad that he couldn’t talk to anyone, no one had a clue he was so unhappy, not a single clue.
My mum bumped into him the morning before, and he had ran at her with the biggest hug and he was happy, really happy.
And the next morning, we got the call to say he was gone.
No amount of words can sum up the gut punch we all received that day, no amount of tears could ever take the pain away.
A waste of a life, I still can’t believe it to this day and I will never understand why the friends he was with did nothing, nothing at all when he told them what he had taken. I guess most of them were off their faces on the prescription drugs that were all the fad at the time among this group of friends. I guess maybe they thought he was looking for a bigger high, sadly that wasn’t the case.
I still can’t believe he’s gone, why, why, why he would do it.
What was making him so unhappy?
We found out afterwards that he had extra low zinc levels, maybe that was it, maybe it had unbalanced something in his brain. I guess though even all these years later, we will never know.
It’s hard even to this day. If only I had seen him that day, maybe I could of talked him through it, got help, anything just to still have him here.
His funeral was one of the hardest I’ve ever been to, but boy wasn’t he loved, the church was full to the brim, no room even left to stand, they even put the load speakers outside so the people that could get into the church could still listen and be a part of it.
Below is the poem I gave to him on that day, it summed our friendship up to a tee and still to this day, he will be one of the best friends I ever had.
I miss him, I truly miss him and he’s cheeky ways.
I wonder what he would be doing now if he was still with us.
The extra sad part to his story is that a few years later, we woke to the news that his dad, had taken his life also.
Their poor family, their poor, poor family.
Life is very cruel, hard and unbalanced but there is always hope, there is someone out there that can help or even just listen. You really don’t need to be alone.
I for one know of their pain, I’ve been there and failed and even though my life is far from perfect and I will never be complete or half as happy as I once was, I’m glad I’m here fighting the fight because life no matter how hard it is is worth fighting for.
Even if it comes down to it being a case of not hurting the ones you would leave behind.
I have seen, felt, indued both sides of the story. And I’m still here fighting those demons. But life is beautiful, you just need to open your eyes that little wider, take deeper breaths and cry as much as you need to.
The main goal though, is to never give up.
I will leave you with this beautiful poem, his poem. 💔
Somewhere the sun is shining,
and the clouds are not in sight.
Somewhere someone’s laughing,
and talking about what might.
What might have been another year,
for us to spend together.
What might have been another time,
that I could cherish forever.
Somewhere two people laugh and joke,
and carry on all day.
Talk about their past and future,
in an extraordinary way.
They talk about the last few years,
and how they made a bond.
They found it funny they both were different,
but both especially fond.
Fond of each other everyday,
so genuine and true.
A friend to tell of all your worries,
if ever you were blue.
To trust with all my secrets,
and keeping yours close to heart.
Knowing you will comfort me,
and sharing all our art.
Somewhere the sun is shining,
and we will meet again.
Become the friends we always were,
and talk about what’s been.
Although you’re gone I know you’re here,
to help me through hard times.
Help me make the right decisions,
when I don’t see the signs.
Somewhere the sun is shining,
and you will be in my heart.
For you were more like a brother to me,
and we shall never part.
This is the time to let you know,
how much I really cared.
I love you for you no matter what,
and cherish the moments that we shared.