This moment

imageGrowth requires pain, I have to keep reminding myself of this.
Be patient and tough, someday this pain will be useful to you. Those with the strength to succeed in the long run are the ones who lay a firm foundation of growth with the bricks that life has thrown at them.
So don’t be afraid to fall apart for a little while. Because when it happens, the situation will open an opportunity for you to grow and rebuild yourself into the brilliant person you are capable of being.

There is no stage of life that does not contain new lessons. As long as you live there will be something more to learn. And as long as you follow your heart and never stop learning, you’ll turn not older, but newer every day.
There is a positive lesson in every life experience.
Don’t forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way. If you make a mistake that sets you back a little, it only means a new opportunity is out there waiting. And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.

This moment is a gift. The truth is, your whole life has been leading up to this moment.
Think about that for a second.
Every single thing you’ve gone through in life, every high, every low, and everything in between, has led you to this moment right now.
This moment is priceless, and it’s the only moment guaranteed to you.
This moment is your life.
Don’t miss it.

Flashback Friday

It’s been a week of crafts, crafts and more crafts.
We’ve been getting messy with paint, modelling clay and of course my favourite obsession yarn.
We’ve made loads of crazy paint splash canvases, which are all now in their new homes. I’ve started lots of new projects and also taken my yarn hoarding to the next level. 😝 I am slowly but surely using it. We have done the normal hospital visits, work, house work and conquered the endless washing basket.
It’s been a good week but I’m looking forward to next week when I get to spend some much-needed time at my second favourite place in the world with the people I love spending time with.

So it’s that time again that I roll back the hands of time and share an old blog post with you.
So here you go………

To me.

” What is perfect?”
I admit I’m far from perfect, not even close, I’m short, shy mostly when you first meet me, I talk gently, I do not have the perfect figure and I come across as stuck up until you get to know me and then you will see I’m crude, and have a dirty mind. My sense of humour is different from most and very dry. I laugh like a witch , my hairs always a mess even when I try to get it looking nice. I’m useless with markup and I dress for comfort instead of style. I have a straight down figure with no hips or bum and my top half well not much to say there as I’m sure they vanish more each day.
I judge myself more than I should and don’t believe I’m worthy of being in anyone’s life. I’m just not good enough, but I have a good heart, a listening ear and my heart is always in the right place. I make mistakes as we all do. I’m clumsy to a fault, I drop everything, and I let nerves get the better of me.
See far from perfect.
But am I ?
Maybe just maybe, that is perfect to someone, maybe all my faults, are what someone could adore.

So what makes perfection ?

To me, it’s the smile in the eyes and the lips, it’s caring, it’s everything I once had in my last relationship.
It’s not about looks, even though in my eyes he is gorgeous, perfect in every possible way. Just my cup of tea.
It’s all down to what’s in the heart, which makes a personality.
Even what others would call a fault like stubbornness, I adored that, it showed spirit and passion.
Even the odd jealousy, wasn’t a fault, it showed he cared.
You can only feel those feelings, when you care about something or someone. To me that was a gift, and a beautiful one at that.
Can’t say I found any other faults there at all.
So perfect to me, is everything I once had, even with the so-called bad bits, the good out weighed them, the love was strong enough to learn to accept and start to adore those parts of his personality.
I’m stubborn to a tee and jealous also, so who am I to ever judge or dis anyone’s faults I hold in myself.
It’s part of us, and if you love someone, you should love them faults and all.
A spot could be classed as a fault, but would that make you turn your back on them?
If the answer is yes, look deeper into that person’s soul and that spot will not matter any more.
See the good, everything you like about that person, your then see that what you once thought wasn’t perfection is getting very close.
Even a laugh, can add to someone being so perfect, you know that no one can ever get close.
God I loved Ross’s laugh, I can still hear it as clear as a bell and it makes me smile, just thinking about it.
I loved the way he also had so much knowledge, how he loved to learn, and helped me when I just couldn’t master that information. I loved the way he would touch my hand or leg to check I was ok, if I was struggling with a situation, I loved the way he would play with his hair, the way he lit up a room when he entered, the way he would walk around with his hood up, I find that adorable in him.
The way he walked, I love his walk. But most of all I think I loved the passion he had for programming. All round passion really, for the things he believed in but what topped that was heart, so caring, sensitive when needed, to me he is perfection a million times over.
I just hope that one day maybe I will be worthy of being perfection, that he will see that my good bits are worth more than the bad.
Here’s hoping.

Flashback Friday

imageIt’s Friday and I thank my lucky stars it is.
My week has been not that special, hard, exhausting and yesterday just took the biscuit.

The builders started this week, firstly removing the asbestos farceur’s. They couldn’t have picked a worse day, it was hot, to hot and every window, door and vent had to be closed, not much fun on the hottest day of the year so far.
Next…..off with the roof, which woke my sleeping girl at 7.30am with a fright as the tiles hit the empty skip. The bang really did scare her.
I have never seen so much dust and dirt fly through my windows and stick to my windows. Bless the roofer’s they tried to clean up after themselves, but it’s a loosing battle.
I’ve made endless cups of tea, coffee, cakes, biscuits, bacon sandwiches…… You have to keep those builders happy.
On top of that, I’ve had blood tests after blood tests, a few venesection’s, and infusions, which always leaves me feeling worse for wear.
My puppy has had the worst case of the runs all week, which smelt worse than you can imagine, not nice at all. Then it was Marly-Kate’s time to empty the contents of her tummy all over herself, her bed, the hall carpet and the bathroom. My poor little sweetie pie, just didn’t know what to do with herself, she’s all better now, bless her cotton socks.
Yesterday…… What a day.
I wake at 5.30 with a jump, I knew something was wrong, I throw on my pj’s and run into Marly-Kate’s room, nope she’s soundo. So I swing open my cousins door, to check he had got off to work ok, he has.
I think to myself, I must have been dreaming, but I couldn’t shake the feeling, I grab a coffee and head back to bed, checking my phone as I go……10 missed calls from my baby cous…… Fear runs through me as I call him back.

“Rose, I’ve been in an accident, the ambulance is on it way”
I felt sick, really sick, fear ran through me, I was lost what to do, I needed to be with him but I also needed to recover his bike as the ambulance drivers said it couldn’t be left where it was.
The builders turn up, expecting their coffee and bacon, but find me, getting Mars dressed while she’s half a sleep in my arms, I’m in full panic mode by this point, I need to get to A&E like 10 minutes ago.
To cut a long story short, we ended up spending the day in Salisbury hospital, having X-Ray’s, scans and waiting for ward space.
It was a long hard day. Worst of all, was making the phone call to his mum.
How do you break the news to a mother, that their son has come off his motorbike and is hurt?
I never ever want to make a call like that again.
The good thing is, he should be home today and lucky there is no long-term damage, well only to his pride.
So I guess, it ended a good day really, it so could have been so much worse.
So that’s been my week and boy I’m glad it’s nearly over but it’s that time for me to share a blast from the past with you.
Once again, the blog post below, is one from the heart, one that makes tears roll as I re-read it.
It’s one that took me a great deal of strength to write, it’s one were I bare my soul, knowing full well that it could have done a great deal of damage to my relationship with my dad. How wrong was I, if anything it brought us closer.
So I won’t waste any more of your time.
But I will say, stay safe, smile and enjoy your weekend.

The truth hurts but silence kills, so please forgive me.

I never ever thought I would write this blog as its way too personal and it hits some truths I never thought I would ever say out load.
I have this over powering feeling that I have to say the things I’m about to say, I know full well that I will hurt a good few people but as my health seems to be taking a turn for the worst this week and it’s not long until I go under the knife, and as my family know too well that there is a possibility that I may just not come out the other side.

For those of you that stumble across this blog and know nothing about me, opening up isn’t the easiest thing for me.
I bottle my feelings up and if I’m honest there are a very few people who I will spill out my heart to.

Going back a few years now, I was told that my aunt Sarah and very good friend Porter had paid to trace my blood father.

I had never met him, and he didn’t even know about me until the day he had a call and visit from Porter.
He than was determined to have me in his life, which of course he does and I’m so lucky that I have him. He is one of the most interesting, caring, loving, wonderful people I have ever met, in my eyes only one man can out do him, my hero and soul mate Ross.

When I found out that they had traced my dad, I was over the moon, I was so happy, I finally could see the face I had longed to all my life, I would get to ask the questions that had played over in my mind.
I would finally maybe have a father that loved me.
It was a road I longed to travel, I had seen our meet many times over in my mind.
But I never thought it would throw me the emotions that drowned me.

Please don’t take this the wrong way as I don’t want to hurt the people who gave me the wonderful gift of my father.

Within minutes, hours and seconds I felt angry very angry not at my dad but at Porter and Sarah, I think this moment was the down hill spiral in all our relationships.
For weeks I hated Porter, I really hated him, I wanted him out of my life and a million miles away from me. (He never knew this and unless he can read this from heaven, he never will)
As for my aunt Sarah, she acted like she owned me, that she was in control of my life.
It’s my life and they took over, they used this is trap me, to control my every movement.
Porter I believe now, just wanted to help, that was him through and through, he just wanted the best for me, for my happiness, so why didn’t he see I was happy, I was the happiest I had ever been, I was head over heels in love and their actions, set off an all time low in my life.
As for Sarah, she used her findings as part of her sick game to take over my life and to get her hands on my beautiful daughter.

I was so angry at them, they had taken away from me, a dream of finding my dad, in me and Ross finding him.
Ross and I had spoken about tracing him, it was something I really wanted to do with the love of my life at my side.
They took that away from me and him.
They took away a dream, my dream, my life.

In the next few weeks, I lost all control of my emotions, self harm happened everyday, at dangerous levels, and that was down to them.
They had in their own way, driven me back to my childhood, the darkness surrounded me and I couldn’t make myself heard, I was screaming at them deep inside, to go and stay away, to get out my life.

I hated them, I really hated them.

But how could I be so selfish, why wasn’t I over joyed at the gift they had given me?

Maybe I was happier than I had ever been, but deep inside, I had dealt as I always have had about who I am, who did I come from?
I now had to face these issues and I didn’t want to, all I wanted was to be at home with Ross, I wanted to skip and dance along the road of love, a road I thought I never would have.
Why would I be worthy of love, when my own blood didn’t love me?

I believed for once in my life, that I was loved, that Ross really loved me.
He made me happier than anyone ever has, and he made me fall deeper and deeper in love with him, as I still do to this day.

Why couldn’t my family just let me be happy, why couldn’t they leave be and wait until I was ready to look for my dad, in the way I dreamed of looking for him?

I just wanted to walk my path, the one where my soul mate was with me.
Sarah just couldn’t let that be, she had to control every step it took, she had to belittle me at every chance she took, she had to act the hero, while all the time, she was the devil, the women who destroyed me.
And all the while we thought she was an angel.
She came across as the most loving person, I really did believe she cared and wanted to help me recover as my depression took over my life.
My only light was Ross, he just didn’t know it.
Ever since are first few messages he was always my light, my hero and I loved him from that very moment he sent me a message.
I knew than that he was the one for me.

Sarah though made her games work against me.

So the day I met my dad, I really can not remember much, all I wanted was to be somewhere else, in the arms of Ross, I wanted him to be with me, I wanted him involved, but Sarah said it couldn’t be that way.
My emotional state at the time just let her win, and as she planned (and admitted) she made me fall weaker and weaker and into a darker place.

Was finding my dad, just a porn in the game she played, and my god she played it well.

The thing is, she didn’t take into account how strong my feelings are/were for Ross and with every battle she throw in our way, we over came because we both knew that we were soul mates and were meant to be.
She won in the end though, she destroyed my life, she took away the one person who mattered to me the most, but one thing she can not take away is, the love I have for Ross.
And even though Ross and I are over and she thinks she has won, she hadn’t because nothing can Ever compare to the time we spent together.
And no love will ever match what we felt and what I still feel.
And even though I do not have his love now, I would rather have a life time of being unloved, to being loved by anyone else.
No one will ever replace him, not even fatherly love.

So for my dad, little did he know, what twisted game he was being porned into, he still thanks Sarah and Porter for bringing us together.
I thank them to, and even though the time was wrong so wrong, my dad has been the dad I longed for.

I will admit though that sometimes I look at him and think, what if.
I don’t and can’t blame him, but there is something that bugs me and won’t let me let down my walls totally to him as I did with Ross.
Maybe that’s it, he’s isn’t Ross.
No one will ever be him.

So as I wait for the calls as people read this, and I get a mouthful for opening up my heart and telling the truth about how I really felt, I will hold my head up high and know that I have told the truth about how I felt and that I am sorry if I hurt anyone, but I’m not sorry for telling it how I feel it.

You are all so good at telling me to open up so here you have it, you have got what you asked for.

As I now put those walls back up and smile the smile you all want to see, I look at myself and the roads I have travelled, either in happiness or sadness, that one thing I will always know for sure, is I once had it all.
I really had it all and I thank my lucky stars for that.
I thank you Ross Marks and I love you, I will always love you.

What’s next

Wow, what a week it’s been so far.
They say things come in threes, so what’s next???
I will tell more about this rollercoaster of a week in my normal flashback Friday post tomorrow.
But for now I will leave you with this……

Challenges are not here to worry about, they are here to help you grow.
Challenges are what make life interesting, and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Many of history’s greatest accomplishments were responses to difficult challenges.
Many of your own greatest advances have been in response to challenging circumstances.
Each of life’s challenges is a test that helps you notice and understand your weaknesses, thus enabling you to transform these weaknesses into strengths.

Flashback Friday

imageTime is flying by, can’t believe we are heading towards the middle of August already.
Another Friday has come and another week is nearly over and what a strange week it has been.
It’s been a week of pain and feeling really under the weather. But I’ve somehow got through.🤒
One thing I’ve realised is my short-term memory is shocking. I’ve forgotten to take my meds a good few times this week, mainly due to my Fitbit not charging which I had set all my alarms to take different medicines at the right times. Feeling really lost without it.
Secondly down to not having a set routine in the mornings with no school runs to do life is a little slower and relaxed, I really need to get my self sorted because flare days kick me for six especially were I won’t give in and stay in bed.

A few major things have happened this week.
The scaffolding finally went up and work on my house starts next week I believe. (Fingers crossed)
My baby cousin who has lived with me while he was at college and before he signs up for the army got himself a full-time job and I really couldn’t be prouder. 😄
It’s his first day today, which started at 6am this morning. Bless him he had to leave here at 5.30am. He sure did look sorry for himself. He’s a little trooper and hard worker so I know he will be fine. Going to miss his ugly mug around the place though.😞

So let me get to it, its flash back time and as I’ve felt so poorly this weekend I thought I would share a post that I wrote about living with lupus but not just lupus, about all invisible illnesses. I’m not really sure if I ended up posting it on here or not, I know I meant to.
So here goes ……..

Life – isn’t it meant to be lived to the full???
So what happens when it is taken away from you, when everything you have ever known changes and you start losing the person who you really are.
What do you do, when every aspect of your life is controlled by your health, the weather and the people around you???
What do you do, when you can see your life, your soul, your spirit, your passion, your goals, your dreams disappear in front of your eyes???
What do you do, when your body is so against you, it fights you every single second of every day???
What do you do, when you have no energy to get out of bed, get dressed, carry out a normal day??? When you are too exhausted to even put the right words together, making you sound when you talk that you are from another planet???
When your memory fails you on a daily basis, because the medicine you have to take daily starts to destroy your mind, your sanity, your spirit???
What do you do, when the light hurts your eyes, and sound makes you hurt, shake, panic and twitch, making you have no control of your body???
What do you do, when your body feels like you have no air in your lungs, no matter how hard you try you just can’t draw enough air into you???
What do you do, when the panic takes over and you have no energy to fight it anymore???
What happens when you try to live a normal life, like trying to walk around a shop but the pain and exhaustion cripples you, making every step incredible painful??? Is it easier to give in and sit in the wheelchair and get the look of pity from everyone that notices you???
What do you do, when every step you take feels like you are walking through sinking sand or you’re trying to escape drowning???
What do you do, when people only think that you have cold hands and feet and think you are lazy because you can’t do things as fast as you use to and sit down every few minutes???
What do you do when the slightest human touch, makes fear run through you, swallows your air, and sends pain through your veins???
Not just human touch but clothes make you ache, sore and feel that you are suffocating.

What do you do???

Do you give in and waste your day in bed? Or do you do your best to carry on, not giving in to the invisible illness that is taking over you???
Or do you try to educate others by bearing you soul???

This holds my answer!!!!

The space between

imageGood morning.
In the space between the edge of the night and the chaos of the day, you have a chance to make a special space for yourself. In this space, thoughts and contentment neatly overlap, where past and future issues cease to exist, and time touches eternity.
Hovering about your mind, as you gently begin to stir, there are beautiful visions no one has ever seen and soothing harmonies no one has ever heard.
These first few moments of the day are sacred.
Savour them.
Protect them.
Awaken yourself peacefully, stretch fully and breathe deeply in them without rushing forward.
Give yourself this time as a gift, to simply be and feel alive, to conquer the anxiety of life, and live in the moment breath by breath.

Many moons from now.

imageLife’s dynamic nature continually renews the possibilities before you…. you honestly never can be certain when the next gust of wind will arrive and what it will blow in your direction.
Open yourself to these surprises and pay attention.
Many of them will bring goodness you never knew you were missing.

One day, many moons from now, you will find yourself close to the end, and thinking about the beginning.

Today is that beginning. Today is life. You’ve got to live it.

Live for what’s right.
Live for what you believe in.
Live for what’s important to you.
Live for the people you love, and never forget to tell them how much they mean to you. (trust me, it’s so much worse not being able to, I long to tell him I love him, I truly, deeply, endlessly love him, don’t leave it to late, for it will forever eat away at you, destroying you, inch by inch.)
Realise that today you’re lucky because you still have a chance. So stop for a moment and think. Really think, feel what’s deep within your soul and bring it back to life, not for anyone else, for you and only you. Your heart and soul knows the real mean, while you brain likes to trick you. So listen to your soul and follow that heart.

Flashback Friday

imageGood morning and happy Friday.
Do you have that Friday feeling?
Well what a stressful week I’ve had.
Mainly down to others bad moods, that seem to be spiralling out of control.
They say a smile can spread easily so can a frown. It’s surprising how fast moods rub off onto others.
I say to you grumpy sods who have stressed me out this week, “Slap on a smile, even if you have to fake it”
Remember if the wind changes your face will stay like that. 😝
So what’s been going on in my little world this week.
Firstly its tax bill time, how I hate handing over my hard-earned money to the tax man but it has to be done, £3500 lighter and I’ll have to do it all again in January, the joys of being self-employed.🤑
Secondly, its school holidays which has to be my favourite time of the year. So this week has been full of fun, games and creating. Throw in snuggles on the sofa watching Disney films, picnics at the park and short but sweet bike rides.
Add the normal everyday tasks and a few hours work here and there and daily trips to have my blood tests and venesection if needed.
All in all, life is good, when you step past the grumpy faces and the mood swings of my cousin and others.

So once again it’s that time to share an old blog post with you.
This one was one of the hardest I have ever written and the shame I feel hits like a ton of bricks.
Thankfully I have turned a corner and I haven’t done this for a good few years now, you’ll understand what I’m on about when you read the post below.

It’s very hard to post this again as the shame and judgement eats away at me but if it can help just one person it has to be worth it.
So without further ado I give you……..

The first cut is the deepest.

My mum has asked me to write a blog, to try to explain to her why I self harm.

She asked me to try to make her understand why I would put myself at danger and why is it so hard to express my feeling in any other way.

I have self harmed since I was about 10 years old, I have always had it under control.
I’m sure reading that, you are thinking “under control, how on earth is that controlled ?”
When I say controlled I mean, I used a clean blade, made sure someone was always at home, incase I cut too deep.
That I cleaned and dressed the cut.

So maybe you are thinking freak, well you would be within your right to think so.
But please bare with me while I try to explain this the best I can.
I believe this will be the hardest blog I will ever write and I am putting myself out there to be judged by you all.
A huge risk for me to take, but if I can put my Mum’s mind at rest and even help someone out there understand a little, I believe that it is worth the risk.

I will always remember my first cut, the pain was incredible, and seeing the blood, made me feel sick and if I am honest I looked at myself and thought ” OMG I’m a freak”
I now can not remember why I made that first cut or why I did it again.
One cut I remember above all the others, I was 12 years old.
I had been through an awful chapter in my life and I felt so much emotional pain that I did not know how to deal with it.
I felt totally alone in my life and I had no one to turn to.
I picked up a Stanly blade and without any thought to it I cut my wrist.
I didn’t even notice the pain, I felt a release of all the emotional pain built up inside, leaking with my blood.
All the hurt and anger pumped out of me and I felt free for the first time in months.

After that with every cut I made, my pain drained out, my soul was free, and disappointment was gone.

But Cutting is an addiction that you cannot stop once you’ve started, that’s why its such a tragedy.
You cut to feel better but the whole time you are risking your own life.
What if you cut too deep and you can’t be saved ?
Last year, this nearly happened, I was lost and I cut too deeply and ended up in hospital. I nearly died.
If it was not for two certain people I would not be here to tell this tale. I thank them for keeping me alive.

I still didn’t learn and I cut again and again
Its was EASIER to deal with the Physical pain then the Emotional pain
But then I saw the light, I saw a different view on life and now I hardly cut at all and when I do, it doesn’t give me the sense of freedom, it hurts and I am disappointed in myself.
It’s adds to the problems, and you know what, those problems are nothing compared to others. So why am I letting them get to me.

My scars may have faded with the help of laser treatment and the depression suppressed but the urge will always be with me.
I am sure as sure that I can beat it.
Instead of looking at the bad I’m trying to see the good that surrounds me, every day is a new beginning and a new page in my book of life.
And as I have said many times, ” life is for living, a gift.”
So when I go to hurt myself, I step back and think about what if it goes wrong, what am I leaving behind, and I know that life is worth having the bad days for.
With out the bad your can’t see how good the good really is.

Life isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to be lived..sometimes happy, other times rough. But with every up and down you learn lessons that make you strong.
That’s what living is all about.

Self harm may help you for a split second, but the long-term damage is not worth it.
Please if you ever feel like it’s the only way, count to 10 look around you and see something beautiful, a smile, a picture, a flower, a friend, remember a perfect memory, think of your dreams and tell yourself, to be strong.
And if all else fails, remember you are loved and not alone. There are people to talk to.

And if you still can’t shake the feeling, remember this blog and throw me a message, maybe I could help.

Sculpted

imageCharacter and wisdom are sculpted over time.
They come with loss, lessons, and triumphs.
They come after doubts, second guesses, and exploring unknowns. The seeds of your progress are planted in your past failures. Your best stories will come from overcoming your greatest struggles.
Your praises will grow from your pains.
So keep standing, keep learning, and keep living.