Flashback Friday

imageIt’s Friday and I thank my lucky stars it is.
My week has been not that special, hard, exhausting and yesterday just took the biscuit.

The builders started this week, firstly removing the asbestos farceur’s. They couldn’t have picked a worse day, it was hot, to hot and every window, door and vent had to be closed, not much fun on the hottest day of the year so far.
Next…..off with the roof, which woke my sleeping girl at 7.30am with a fright as the tiles hit the empty skip. The bang really did scare her.
I have never seen so much dust and dirt fly through my windows and stick to my windows. Bless the roofer’s they tried to clean up after themselves, but it’s a loosing battle.
I’ve made endless cups of tea, coffee, cakes, biscuits, bacon sandwiches…… You have to keep those builders happy.
On top of that, I’ve had blood tests after blood tests, a few venesection’s, and infusions, which always leaves me feeling worse for wear.
My puppy has had the worst case of the runs all week, which smelt worse than you can imagine, not nice at all. Then it was Marly-Kate’s time to empty the contents of her tummy all over herself, her bed, the hall carpet and the bathroom. My poor little sweetie pie, just didn’t know what to do with herself, she’s all better now, bless her cotton socks.
Yesterday…… What a day.
I wake at 5.30 with a jump, I knew something was wrong, I throw on my pj’s and run into Marly-Kate’s room, nope she’s soundo. So I swing open my cousins door, to check he had got off to work ok, he has.
I think to myself, I must have been dreaming, but I couldn’t shake the feeling, I grab a coffee and head back to bed, checking my phone as I go……10 missed calls from my baby cous…… Fear runs through me as I call him back.

“Rose, I’ve been in an accident, the ambulance is on it way”
I felt sick, really sick, fear ran through me, I was lost what to do, I needed to be with him but I also needed to recover his bike as the ambulance drivers said it couldn’t be left where it was.
The builders turn up, expecting their coffee and bacon, but find me, getting Mars dressed while she’s half a sleep in my arms, I’m in full panic mode by this point, I need to get to A&E like 10 minutes ago.
To cut a long story short, we ended up spending the day in Salisbury hospital, having X-Ray’s, scans and waiting for ward space.
It was a long hard day. Worst of all, was making the phone call to his mum.
How do you break the news to a mother, that their son has come off his motorbike and is hurt?
I never ever want to make a call like that again.
The good thing is, he should be home today and lucky there is no long-term damage, well only to his pride.
So I guess, it ended a good day really, it so could have been so much worse.
So that’s been my week and boy I’m glad it’s nearly over but it’s that time for me to share a blast from the past with you.
Once again, the blog post below, is one from the heart, one that makes tears roll as I re-read it.
It’s one that took me a great deal of strength to write, it’s one were I bare my soul, knowing full well that it could have done a great deal of damage to my relationship with my dad. How wrong was I, if anything it brought us closer.
So I won’t waste any more of your time.
But I will say, stay safe, smile and enjoy your weekend.

The truth hurts but silence kills, so please forgive me.

I never ever thought I would write this blog as its way too personal and it hits some truths I never thought I would ever say out load.
I have this over powering feeling that I have to say the things I’m about to say, I know full well that I will hurt a good few people but as my health seems to be taking a turn for the worst this week and it’s not long until I go under the knife, and as my family know too well that there is a possibility that I may just not come out the other side.

For those of you that stumble across this blog and know nothing about me, opening up isn’t the easiest thing for me.
I bottle my feelings up and if I’m honest there are a very few people who I will spill out my heart to.

Going back a few years now, I was told that my aunt Sarah and very good friend Porter had paid to trace my blood father.

I had never met him, and he didn’t even know about me until the day he had a call and visit from Porter.
He than was determined to have me in his life, which of course he does and I’m so lucky that I have him. He is one of the most interesting, caring, loving, wonderful people I have ever met, in my eyes only one man can out do him, my hero and soul mate Ross.

When I found out that they had traced my dad, I was over the moon, I was so happy, I finally could see the face I had longed to all my life, I would get to ask the questions that had played over in my mind.
I would finally maybe have a father that loved me.
It was a road I longed to travel, I had seen our meet many times over in my mind.
But I never thought it would throw me the emotions that drowned me.

Please don’t take this the wrong way as I don’t want to hurt the people who gave me the wonderful gift of my father.

Within minutes, hours and seconds I felt angry very angry not at my dad but at Porter and Sarah, I think this moment was the down hill spiral in all our relationships.
For weeks I hated Porter, I really hated him, I wanted him out of my life and a million miles away from me. (He never knew this and unless he can read this from heaven, he never will)
As for my aunt Sarah, she acted like she owned me, that she was in control of my life.
It’s my life and they took over, they used this is trap me, to control my every movement.
Porter I believe now, just wanted to help, that was him through and through, he just wanted the best for me, for my happiness, so why didn’t he see I was happy, I was the happiest I had ever been, I was head over heels in love and their actions, set off an all time low in my life.
As for Sarah, she used her findings as part of her sick game to take over my life and to get her hands on my beautiful daughter.

I was so angry at them, they had taken away from me, a dream of finding my dad, in me and Ross finding him.
Ross and I had spoken about tracing him, it was something I really wanted to do with the love of my life at my side.
They took that away from me and him.
They took away a dream, my dream, my life.

In the next few weeks, I lost all control of my emotions, self harm happened everyday, at dangerous levels, and that was down to them.
They had in their own way, driven me back to my childhood, the darkness surrounded me and I couldn’t make myself heard, I was screaming at them deep inside, to go and stay away, to get out my life.

I hated them, I really hated them.

But how could I be so selfish, why wasn’t I over joyed at the gift they had given me?

Maybe I was happier than I had ever been, but deep inside, I had dealt as I always have had about who I am, who did I come from?
I now had to face these issues and I didn’t want to, all I wanted was to be at home with Ross, I wanted to skip and dance along the road of love, a road I thought I never would have.
Why would I be worthy of love, when my own blood didn’t love me?

I believed for once in my life, that I was loved, that Ross really loved me.
He made me happier than anyone ever has, and he made me fall deeper and deeper in love with him, as I still do to this day.

Why couldn’t my family just let me be happy, why couldn’t they leave be and wait until I was ready to look for my dad, in the way I dreamed of looking for him?

I just wanted to walk my path, the one where my soul mate was with me.
Sarah just couldn’t let that be, she had to control every step it took, she had to belittle me at every chance she took, she had to act the hero, while all the time, she was the devil, the women who destroyed me.
And all the while we thought she was an angel.
She came across as the most loving person, I really did believe she cared and wanted to help me recover as my depression took over my life.
My only light was Ross, he just didn’t know it.
Ever since are first few messages he was always my light, my hero and I loved him from that very moment he sent me a message.
I knew than that he was the one for me.

Sarah though made her games work against me.

So the day I met my dad, I really can not remember much, all I wanted was to be somewhere else, in the arms of Ross, I wanted him to be with me, I wanted him involved, but Sarah said it couldn’t be that way.
My emotional state at the time just let her win, and as she planned (and admitted) she made me fall weaker and weaker and into a darker place.

Was finding my dad, just a porn in the game she played, and my god she played it well.

The thing is, she didn’t take into account how strong my feelings are/were for Ross and with every battle she throw in our way, we over came because we both knew that we were soul mates and were meant to be.
She won in the end though, she destroyed my life, she took away the one person who mattered to me the most, but one thing she can not take away is, the love I have for Ross.
And even though Ross and I are over and she thinks she has won, she hadn’t because nothing can Ever compare to the time we spent together.
And no love will ever match what we felt and what I still feel.
And even though I do not have his love now, I would rather have a life time of being unloved, to being loved by anyone else.
No one will ever replace him, not even fatherly love.

So for my dad, little did he know, what twisted game he was being porned into, he still thanks Sarah and Porter for bringing us together.
I thank them to, and even though the time was wrong so wrong, my dad has been the dad I longed for.

I will admit though that sometimes I look at him and think, what if.
I don’t and can’t blame him, but there is something that bugs me and won’t let me let down my walls totally to him as I did with Ross.
Maybe that’s it, he’s isn’t Ross.
No one will ever be him.

So as I wait for the calls as people read this, and I get a mouthful for opening up my heart and telling the truth about how I really felt, I will hold my head up high and know that I have told the truth about how I felt and that I am sorry if I hurt anyone, but I’m not sorry for telling it how I feel it.

You are all so good at telling me to open up so here you have it, you have got what you asked for.

As I now put those walls back up and smile the smile you all want to see, I look at myself and the roads I have travelled, either in happiness or sadness, that one thing I will always know for sure, is I once had it all.
I really had it all and I thank my lucky stars for that.
I thank you Ross Marks and I love you, I will always love you.


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