Sometimes you have to die a little on the inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself again.
Call it growth.
Call it finding yourself.
Call it whatever you want.
The key is to live moment to moment when times are tough, and push forward, until moments become minutes, minutes become hours… hours become days, days become weeks, weeks turn to months and time again has meaning and life becomes a reason to smile.
The process is almost like learning to walk or speak for the very first time.
It isn’t easy, but in the process we grow and we find ourselves, stronger, wiser, and possessing talents we didn’t know we had.
When we refuse to give up on ourselves, the toughest of times can lead us to new roads we never thought we would travel.
Monthly Archives: September 2016
Flashback Friday
It’s that time again, a time to reflect, a time to look back.
It’s Friday. 😃
And for me it’s time to pack my weekend bag and set off on a little adventure, which will also be a flashback.
I don’t often get a weekend to myself, without Marley-Kate at my heels so it’s going to be strange but she’s off on an adventure to and in the safest of hands so all is well in our special bond.
As always my flashback posts are not just a look at the past but a sum up of my week.
It’s been a short week for me because I was away from home for a long weekend, enjoying the peacefulness of Devon. How I love it there, my home from home.
School time tears got the better of Mars and me so we headed off for 4 days of pure relaxation and peace.
Mars ran free, making the most of the sunshine and her time with one of her favourite people, her Grandad, how she worships him. They are two peas in a pod.
It’s so beautiful to watch but on a down side, it’s hard to see how my life would have been if I had grownup with him in my life. I’m 100% sure life would have been bliss, exciting and very different to having God rammed down my throat by my step dad.
I’m so happy though that my little Katie (Marly-Kate) has such a wonderful leading male role model in her life. If she can’t have Ross, my dad is the best 2nd choice. (I mean that in the most loving way)
So after our little trip, life seems to have got the better of me. Emotions have been at an all time low, I’ve been extremely hard on myself, feeling all the worst emotions, self-hate being foremost in my mind. I don’t know where it’s come from or why so after the normal hospital appointments, I booked myself in at my old work place and had a pamper day. And it seems to be working, I feel a little better about myself and I’m I’ve got my mindset in an ok place ready to hit the road later today.
Even though the last few days I’ve had one of my all time favourite friends on my mind as it’s the anniversary of his passing. I admit I miss him loads and life really does seem weird without him on the end of the phone but I just have to remind myself that he’s at peace and in no more pain. That’s good right????😢
Anyway I best stop waffling on and get to the real reason for this post, it’s flashback Friday after all. 😝
So without further ado, I wish you an awesome weekend full of smiles, laughter and peace of mind and I will leave you with…….
Let there be love.
Fall in love, with an aim, an ambition, a passion.
If you lost everything but your mind, heart and health, what would be your reason to wake up every morning with a smile?
There’s definitely a fire burning inside you. It’s your job to find it and keep it lit. As we grow older, with all of our responsibilities, our passions and hobbies often seem like an indulgence. They shouldn’t be. They should be a requirement. Even if you can only dedicated 20 minutes a day to something you love, do it… No excuses, no regrets.
The most important decision you will ever make is what you do with the time that is given to you.
Let every day be a part of a dream you can touch. Let every day contain passion for something you love. Let every day be a great example of a life truly lived.
How can I feel
How can I feel so alone even when I’m surrounded by family and friends?
Life is pretty damn good and I’m happy. I’m enjoying life as best I can and I laugh, smile, joke and make the best out of every situation thrown at me.
But even when I’m with my awesome friends, or my mum and dad who are my rocks, my shoulder, my friends, there is just always is gut wrenching loneliness, a huge hole of blackness, emptiness, longing that I can not seem to fill.
My heart aches for something that keeps me from drowning in the love and friendship that I’m so lucky to have.
My friends are always there, making me laugh, supporting me, ready to listen and be the shoulder to cry on (if I would let them). They are constantly wanting me to be with them, experiencing life’s little pleasures, and even though I love every moment with them and I’m so grateful to them and I love them all dearly somehow they just can’t take this emptiness away.
They can’t seem to fill this gut wrenching loneliness, that eats slowly away at me.
The problem is I know why and it hurts to admit that they will never, ever be able to.
Because they are not him, they are not the soul that completed me, that made my blood pump, my heart miss a trillion beats, my knees weaken at just a glance, my eyes sparkle, every inch of my soul and body melt.
They are not, my heart, my soul, my air, my best friend, my one and only true love.
I know only him can bring me back to being whole.
The thought that I will have to live out my days and nights without him is crippling, its torture, it’s too much to bare but I know that I have to somehow carry on and make the most out of the hand I have been given and live the best I can with this sinking feeling that never, ever seems to lessen.
I have to learn to live with the loneliness, the heart-break and the longing I feel every second of every day and night.
I have to survive.
Flashback Friday
Have you got that Friday feeling?
Where o where has the week gone?
My week has been a strange one, school battles every morning which drain me sadly, blood tests, work, moving furniture around in my baby cousins bedroom which even though it was hard work turned out to be a rather awesome day. Two birthdays this week, a meal out and a little get together last night at which, I made a rash decision to go on a road trip last night as I just couldn’t face another morning of tears at the school run, a few phone calls later and we jumped in the car the off we went, I know, I know I’m a naughty mum but it’s only a few days off school but it’s also a few days of happiness for my Marly-Kate, that smile just seems to make everything better.
So either week older, maybe even wiser, and once again it’s time to reflect on old blog posts.
So I will say toodaloo , have an awesome weekend, stay safe, stay merry and I’ll leave you with………
WILL THEY.
I’ve cried so much over the last few months, I swear my tears have dried up. I just can’t cry anymore. I’m now just numb and can’t shed a tear no matter how hard I want to.
I’m a firm believer that crying helps, it has to or why do we do it?
After a very fast google with not much joy I really can’t find an answer to why I just can’t cry.
It reminds me of, the film ” The Holiday”
I love that film, think its my number one favourite movie but Ross and I watched it a fair few times together to now it’s impossible to watch 😦
Maybe it holds the key to the tears.
Maybe it’s what I need to cry, but then I will be replacing wonderful memories with tears. And right now I don’t want and can’t do that.
I love our memories.
We can choose
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take each moment, appreciate it and make it perfect.
If you want to get really good at something or get somewhere new, let go of the notion of perfection and replace it with the notion of endless, playful exploration.
And remember Life goes on … not always the way we had envisioned it would be, but still it goes on and we have to learn to enjoy it somehow.
We usually can’t choose the music life plays for us, but we can choose how we dance to it. 💃🏼
Embrace
Embrace your quirks, your mistakes, and the fact that life is a lesson.
Life is a ride.
Things change, people change, but you will always be you… so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone or anything.
You have to dare to be yourself, in this moment, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.
It’s about realizing that even on your weakest days you get a little bit stronger, if you’re willing to learn.
Which is why, sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your trouble and hard work isn’t what you get, but who you become.
Flashback Friday
What an end to the week, tears, tears and more tears.
Marly-Kate has cried buckets for the last two days and there isn’t anything I can do to help her.
Why does she hate school so much. It’s breaking my heart to see her sob so deeply.
And the worst part is I have to watch her every morning when the teacher prize her off my legs.
I hate that I can’t just say “that’s it, no more school”
On a happier note, our little kitten had his bits chopped off this week and he has transformed into a different kitten.
I now have one big soppy lap cat. It’s a far way from running at our legs jumping and claiming up that happens every time he want food, lol. 😜
So it’s that time again the rewind time and look back on old blog posts.
So here it is and it’s kind of perfect for the way I feel today.
What do you do with a bully???
It been a week of mixed emotions, from anger, hate, disappointment, disgust, love, compassion.
My baby girl, started school and she hates it.
She cries every morning to the point of being sick. She exhausts her self to the point she can’t breathe because a few children have taken a dislike to her because she is different from them.
Because she can’t run as fast, and play for as long as her.
Because she likes to sit and colour or read her books.
So what do you do with a bully ?
I think I have gone through every emotion possible.
From wanting to tell the children off, to making Marly-Kate stand up to herself and hit the little bullies, to feeling sorry for the children.
To disappointment in the children’s parents for not teaching them the meaning of compassion and that everyone is different.
The school haven’t been great, and I’m at the point of taking her out because I hate, hate, hate seeing her in pain.
But then it clicked that these poor children are not to blame but it’s the sick world we live in, it’s the media, their up bringing and how maybe they are treated at home.
All I can do now is try to have compassion for them and somehow get my daughter to understand that they just haven’t been brought up the way she has.
That not everyone has a pure heart and some people are just angry at the world.
All I hope right now is that they ease off her and they don’t change the beautiful caring loving soul that she is.
Getting her in the door of her class room is the hard part.
Just wanted to say
Just wanted to say sorry for lack of posts lately, it’s been a crazy six weeks, but reality should return tomorrow as my little beauty heads back to school.
It’s been so wonderful having her with me 24 7 for nearly the last seven weeks and I don’t want her to go back, especially with the amount of tears that have been flowing over the last few days. She really dislikes school and it breaks my heart to see her so distressed at going back.
Tomorrow morning will for sure be a hard one.
On a good note, our new roof is on and builders are no more, well for the minute anyway. Going to miss their ugly mugs around the place though.
My last few weeks have been kinda wonderful, and I finally got to rest for a few days at my mum and dads but boy it’s so hard leaving the peacefulness of Devon.
I can’t wait to go back and relax by the open fire or to sit and read by the bubbling broke. Life is magical there, picking your own fruit from the trees, such a simple thing, but definitely one of life’s little pleasures. I will say that if I have to eat a fry up for breakfast again it may just be to soon. Don’t get me wrong they are very yummy, I’m just a little bored of them after having one every morning while I was visiting.
Right I best get back to it and leave you for now, hopefully not for to long though.
Have a wonderful day.
Toodaloo.
Flashback Friday
I’ve kind of been a bit confused what day of the week it is……it’s Friday right??????
Which means it flash back time but first things first, my week……. It’s flown by, I need to catch a breath, which I’m doing right now, sat by a roaring fire as summer seems to have left us, not for long though I hope.
My week has been crazy busy but boy wasn’t it fun.
Last weekend was a total blast and I enjoyed every minute of it.
I pick up my camera as I had a friend come to stay for the weekend, we snapped away happily on a beautiful sunny day by a lake covered in swans, a fun fair full of laughter in the distance and the most wonderful couple modelling in front of us.
I had forgotten how photography makes my mind race with ideas, that light dances freely and creates magic. I had forgotten how wonderful freedom of the mind is, I had forgotten a lot.
Magic was in the air as we captured delightful images and imbedded memories in our minds, I was free to turn my imagination into something that would last my lifetime and maybe even longer.
That day was pretty incredible and added to that I made life long friends.
To top it off, I got to drive a beast of a classic and boy she roared. It was like stepping back in time as my feet touched the peddles and the little gem warmed up with a little pull on the choke. To me those drives was so extra special, I felt free and alive.
Such an incredible weekend.
So my week has been busy, editing, designing, creating, and now finally relaxing while Marly-Kate rides tractors, dumpers, diggers, runs free in the fields and splashes in the bubbling broke. What more could we ask for.
So today, I think I’m going to step back in time to where it all started, my first ever blog post.
I love this one, I was happy, in love and even though life was hard, I had the most beautiful soul in my life, the love of my life, my best friend, I was nearly so very nearly the most happiest I’ve ever been. ❤️
Little did I know that life would become even more beautiful, that every second with him was a magical dream, little did I know that I could fall any deeper in love than I was then.
I did, I fall so, so deeply that our love consumed me. Life was amazing and every waking second I fall deeper and deeper in love with Ross.
He was not only my best friend, but my whole heart and soul, the one and Only love of my life and still with all the pain, heartbreak, tears, devastation that followed, my heart, my soul, my everything still and will Always belong to him.💓
No matter how hard I try, it just won’t fade, it’s won’t stop, it won’t let me move forward, but you no what, I’m kinda content with that, because nothing, no one will ever, ever, ever, compare to Ross. No love can warm like ours did, no touch could ever melt like his did.
I’m just so happy that I had that, that he loved me, even if only for a short while. 💔
Anyway, let’s get off that, and get back to the whole meaning for this post………
It’s Friday. 😃
And without further ado, I give you…..
Floating ☁️
In the corner of my mind and deep with in my soul, I live in a beautiful world filled with love, sweetness and butterflies.
Everything is wonderfully light and magical.
I think they call this LOVE.
And I find this is true for I, this small town girl, am in love with my knight, my hero, my soul re connected.
The feeling sends me floating in the breeze to where I feel tenderness, warmth and passion.
No single word including love will ever take on the meaning of the feelings that this small town boy has given me.
As we float and our life’s unfold together into new beginnings, of hope, love and fairytale endings, maybe your floating to and can share in our quest to find our happy ever after.
And while we live in heaven right now, it’s not always been this simple, we have fought many battles, slayed dragons, and battled many demons, but one thing is for sure the fight is worth while and as we dance on rainbows and take in the beauty of this feeling, my love grows ever so stronger and I am winning the battle.
Ice Maiden Diaries 