How can I feel

imageHow can I feel so alone even when I’m surrounded by family and friends?
Life is pretty damn good and I’m happy. I’m enjoying life as best I can and I laugh, smile, joke and make the best out of every situation thrown at me.
But even when I’m with my awesome friends, or my mum and dad who are my rocks, my shoulder, my friends, there is just always is gut wrenching loneliness, a huge hole of blackness, emptiness, longing that I can not seem to fill.
My heart aches for something that keeps me from drowning in the love and friendship that I’m so lucky to have.

My friends are always there, making me laugh, supporting me, ready to listen and be the shoulder to cry on (if I would let them). They are constantly wanting me to be with them, experiencing life’s little pleasures, and even though I love every moment with them and I’m so grateful to them and I love them all dearly somehow they just can’t take this emptiness away.
They can’t seem to fill this gut wrenching loneliness, that eats slowly away at me.
The problem is I know why and it hurts to admit that they will never, ever be able to.
Because they are not him, they are not the soul that completed me, that made my blood pump, my heart miss a trillion beats, my knees weaken at just a glance, my eyes sparkle, every inch of my soul and body melt.
They are not, my heart, my soul, my air, my best friend, my one and only true love.

I know only him can bring me back to being whole.
The thought that I will have to live out my days and nights without him is crippling, its torture, it’s too much to bare but I know that I have to somehow carry on and make the most out of the hand I have been given and live the best I can with this sinking feeling that never, ever seems to lessen.
I have to learn to live with the loneliness, the heart-break and the longing I feel every second of every day and night.
I have to survive.