How can I feel

imageHow can I feel so alone even when I’m surrounded by family and friends?
Life is pretty damn good and I’m happy. I’m enjoying life as best I can and I laugh, smile, joke and make the best out of every situation thrown at me.
But even when I’m with my awesome friends, or my mum and dad who are my rocks, my shoulder, my friends, there is just always is gut wrenching loneliness, a huge hole of blackness, emptiness, longing that I can not seem to fill.
My heart aches for something that keeps me from drowning in the love and friendship that I’m so lucky to have.

My friends are always there, making me laugh, supporting me, ready to listen and be the shoulder to cry on (if I would let them). They are constantly wanting me to be with them, experiencing life’s little pleasures, and even though I love every moment with them and I’m so grateful to them and I love them all dearly somehow they just can’t take this emptiness away.
They can’t seem to fill this gut wrenching loneliness, that eats slowly away at me.
The problem is I know why and it hurts to admit that they will never, ever be able to.
Because they are not him, they are not the soul that completed me, that made my blood pump, my heart miss a trillion beats, my knees weaken at just a glance, my eyes sparkle, every inch of my soul and body melt.
They are not, my heart, my soul, my air, my best friend, my one and only true love.

I know only him can bring me back to being whole.
The thought that I will have to live out my days and nights without him is crippling, its torture, it’s too much to bare but I know that I have to somehow carry on and make the most out of the hand I have been given and live the best I can with this sinking feeling that never, ever seems to lessen.
I have to learn to live with the loneliness, the heart-break and the longing I feel every second of every day and night.
I have to survive.

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4 responses to “How can I feel

  1. Wow, I am in this exact place right now, I completely understand every single word, it made me cry. Love is such a blessing but such a bars****d at the same time. It kind of gives me comfort to see that none of us are alone in this and that we all go through it. Us bloggers will be here for one another! I just lost someone and chose to move away to a different city. I don’t know your circumstances but maybe it will help? I’ve linked it below just in case. xxxxx

    https://creatinghappyminds.wordpress.com/2016/09/19/5-reasons-why-you-should-move-to-a-new-city-alone-get-packing/

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    • i meet lots of friendly, warm people, some of whom i end up lucky enough to call friends. friends are lifeblood, theyre what makes life work.

      but then there are people who speak my language– maybe not as a first language, but people who pick up on what im saying right away, people who get “me.” people who naturally relate, rather than slowly working it out with a (still appreciated) dance. nobody knows you like someone who just naturally gets you.

      theses people are rare, and they stand out like theyre glowing in the dark. theyre ideal for friends, they have wonderful potential for lovers, to be honest theyre the only thing i stick around for.

      i dont know when i met the first one, but it was probably my grandmother. i dont know if she really got me or just loved me more unconditionally than anyone– i dont know if i was ever upset with her about anything, even once.

      thats not typical though. i can say that when you feel very alone and someone shines through like that, theyre the greatest gift on earth. and if they give you a gift– even some trinket or souvenir of an occasion like a button or a keychain, it feels like an amulet– like a blanket from your childhood. when life has lost all other magic, they shine through out of nowhere… sometimes. hold on.

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      • That’s beautiful. I’m so pleased you have found a way to get through life’s hardship. I have certain things that still smell of him and in a funny way these help me. Until the day the smell disappears I will find comfort in them.

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    • I’m so sorry you have to feel this agony. It definitely the worst feeling in the world. I have moved far away from any memories sadly in my case it hasn’t helped but I hope it will work for you.

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