To fly

img_3925A new day, a new week, a new improved attitude.

Challenge yourself to beat your own personal records. No one can do it for you, you have to choose to use your wings, to learn to fly.
Challenge yourself to be who you know you are capable of being. Challenge yourself to follow through, to live what you preach, to walk your talk.
Don’t worry about how slowly you feel you’re heading towards your goals, or how many roadblocks you find, or how many detours you’re forced to take. As long as you keep doing your thing, you’re still cruising far ahead of everyone who’s too scared to even try.

Your struggles are really your best growth opportunities. Please know in your heart that there is strength inside you that is greater than the troubles you face.
Stay strong.
Be positive.
We all struggle sometimes.
Life’s about breaking our own limits and outgrowing ourselves to live our best lives. The more obstacles you overcome, the stronger you become, as they say,
“The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger than the one who never fell.”
You will honestly never know how strong you truly are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Keep going.
Keep growing.
Keep dreaming.
Keep hoping.
Keep believing.

Just a short while

There was a time that I would not put any medicine in my body and now I swear I rattle.
I often think that they are pointless, as I never feel great but I have learnt a hard lesson today.
I had one of the worse nights sleeps last night and decided that instead of tossing and turning I would get up and crack on with housework and it may give me a chance get some important pressie’s made.
After many cups of coffee and Marly out for the day with DJ. I sit and begin my own creation for Boxing Day pressie’s. I have 5 to make and thought that I would steam through it while I have the most amazing series playing around on the tv. (Best I’ve ever seen)
I get half way through one and a sudden wave of unease comes across me, which grow extremely worse throughout the day. With not even one pressie made, I’m having hot and cold sweats, my whole body aches from head to toe, my head is pondering and I have this weird feeling, which I just can’t explain, I just know it’s very unpleasant and growing more so.
About 10 minutes ago, it clicked, I had forgotten my medicines and I guess I got the answer that they really do help, to make life easier.
A mouthful of morphine and my meds now taken, I’m sat here praying that the morphine will kick in and I try to take my mind of this awful feeling, crippling pain, blacking of my hands, toes and legs as the blood vassals just can’t open without the help of Viagra (I never thought I would be taking that three times a day, lol) as I write it out here. I so wish that I could just step out of this body for just a short while, but I know I wouldn’t be forgetting the meds anytime soon.

Flashback Friday

img_3916I did it, I stayed positive all week and had a good week. Once again the hands of time travelled to fast and it’s Friday already.
So this week, I’ve spent a small fortune and completed my (dare I say it) Christmas shopping. It’s rolling in to fast and I just got this feeling I had to get it done. There are a few bits I have to make but those will have to wait for now.
I had a lovely day shopping with my mum and even though it took its toll on me, it was so very worth it. I’ve even taught a friend to do a craft that she has wanted to learn for a while, so all in all, it’s been a good week.
Until today that is.
I knew that today would be extremely hard as this date will always be.
Today is a special day not just for one but for two of the people I’ve ever held dear.
It’s Ross’s 30th today and even though I know he never reads this blog, I can’t help but wish him a happy 30th.
He made mine the most wonderful birthday I’ve ever had and I so wish I could do the same for him.
All I can do though is wish him a great day.

“Happy 30th Ross, I miss and love you”

With that said and as I try to push those emotions deep within my soul.
It also would have been my very dear friend Porter’s Birthday.
He would have been 40 today and boy how much fun would I have had taking the piss out of him.
I know how much he was dreading turning 40, he feared growing old, I’m sure that’s because he was so vain, lol 😂 and even though he would chill in baggy’s, and rough it like the rest of us, you could just tell, he wasn’t that comfortable. I guess that’s were we were so different, how I love, my comfy clothes, even more so now. I guess I feel that there isn’t any reason to dress up or put makeup on.
He would argue that case until the cows came home, he believed you should dress up for you and no one else. If you dress well, you feel better.
Maybe there is something in it, but I know I miss debating it with him.
So it’s flashback Friday and it’s proven to roll round on the perfect day for the perfect re-share.
So here goes…….

A message to heaven.

Couldn’t let today go by without listening to our song, so many memories, so many good times, bad and sad ones to, but you know chicken that even though everything has changed and life is now harder than ever, I still chat away to you, Zack and Jane and I hope your all happy and you remember us down here.
You know you are right up there on the list of the most fantastic people I have had in my life and I miss you, but I think you all are causing trouble together and that makes the pain of your passing a little easier. And I want to say sorry for letting you go without flying out. But I stood by your wishes, but living with that is hard. I know you wanted to do things your way and that’s why we all stayed away when we wanted to be there. Truth is though, goodbyes hurt no matter how or when, and I know you didn’t want tears, but there had been plenty from us all and you have left one beautiful lady behind who I believe her hearts bleeds for you.
But in doing so has made me see that giving up on love just can’t be done, time or life is too short.
Thank you for teaching me that, thank you for giving me many years of friendship.

In with the new.

img_3906The new week arrived and I’m hoping it brings smiles, laughter and energy.
I’m looking forward with a positive attitude, this week will be a better one. With that, I’m reminding myself, that you cannot find peace by avoiding life.
Life spins with unexpected changes every hour, so instead of avoiding it, take every change and experience as a challenge for growth.
Either it will give you what you want or it will teach you what the next step is.
Finding peace and happiness in life does not mean that you have to be in a place where there is no noise, no challenges, and no hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things while remaining calm in your heart.
This isn’t easy, it will be an ongoing struggle.
But it’s infinitely easier than continuing the way you are. When your positive attitude is working, there will be peace, there will be beauty, and there will be happiness.
When life is falling apart, it could actually be falling together which is why it feels so darn uncomfortable. Consider that what’s in front of you may be serving you in valuable ways you don’t even understand right now.
Life is a wild ride and definitely not a smooth one.
You will find Happiness and you will lose it. You will find it again and lose it once more.
So remember that everyone suffers in life at some point. Everyone feels lost sometimes. But most of all try to remember………
“Life is too short to spend at war with yourself.”

How they would laugh

img_3905I mentioned in yesterday’s blog that I love history.
Well of late that interest has returned to me with full force. It really couldn’t have come at a better time, my mind has been a light with pain and grief and to be totally honest I’m a little lost soul, disconnected even.
I need something to focus on as my normal hobby is proving a little too much to manage while I’m in a bad flare. This flare up has beat me sideways giving me too much alone time to let my mind flow, with no rest. That really isn’t a good thing, I’ve always kept myself busy when grief and life take hold. I’ve battled too hard and for too long and the small cracks of exhaustion shock until they became huge holes that sent Lupus into full force, sadly though that means I have to sit and chill, that’s not me, I’m not one for sitting unless I’m in total contentment, and then it was the easiest thing on earth. I smile as I write these words, remembering the year that I felt so content that I could let the days slip away doing not much but love the company I was it. That year was just so incredible and I long to feel that free, that happy, that whole, that complete.
Sorry I’ve gone off track but boy it felt good remembering the most important and incredible feelings.
So back to it, history has always been a passion, I think it goes back to not knowing my roots, a childhood of wondering who I had come from, what was my blood fathers family stories. I still know very little about my dads lifeline but I have researched a get deal, dating back to the 1500s on my mum’s side.
This has added to the passion, I feel I need to understand how these people lived, their hardships, their battles, their loves and theirs lost.
I’ve learnt some incredible facts, stories and rumours but I’ve also learnt that life for us is so simple. What we class as hard work, really isn’t. Our lost ones, would laugh at us when we roll in exhausted from a hard days work.
Anyway so lately I have been watching a few different tv series all about different historical events and times, one being “The Tudors” which I must say was pretty damn shocking, what cruel people they were but I’m intrigued to know more as the most famous of my ancestors has links to Queen Elizabeth the first.
One day I will share his story but for now I can not concentrate long enough to remember all facts or to double-check the research I’ve done and the stories I’ve uncovered.
Until then, I can imagine that I’m sailing the high seas, with Rum, gunpowder and that famous black patch over one eye.
Farewell me hearties, until next time.

Flashback Friday

img_3904The clock hands have been ticking, spinning around just like life does to many. I find my self another week older, maybe even wiser, definitely more humble and grateful for life’s little wonders and even though it’s been a long week, we somehow all made it through.
The weekend is upon us and freedom dances in the shadows. Winter has taken hold and beauty flickers in the crisp frozen mornings and the clear cold star lit nights.
How I love those cold, magical winter mornings, that let you see all different kinds of magic, as the day twinkle’s to life.
As I sit snuggled in my pj’s, under an ever so cosy blanket and watch the most enchanting series, which has me glued to the sofa, my mind is alight with imagination of how my life would have been all those years ago.
If only time machines existed, I would definitely roll back the hands of time and relive history.
History to me, is absolutely fascinating but while I lose myself in my own imagination, I know that mine is written in these pages and that is pretty special.
So as today is fastly becoming yesterday while the hands of time stop for no one, I best share with you a page of my own book of life and share a memory, it’s flashback Friday after all……

I have had the great honour of having a wonderful energy bought into my life and I wanted to thank her for being as special and wonderful as she is.
Friends are easy to come by but the true loving ones are hard to come by and when you find someone who you find to be an amazing, caring , a loving one, I think you are very lucky.
She has given me more hope, love and friendship than even my family and I class her as one of mine, she stands on higher ground than most of them.
I know I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her listening ear and her heart.
Her words have pulled me through the darkest days and I owe her my life in many ways.
What makes her even more special is she stood by our friendship when she could have shut me out when others did.
So I want to thank you for not giving up on me, for putting up with my tears and my broken heart and for being more than a friend and family.
You are one amazing person and I luv you loads.
I hope that our friendship never loses what it has and grows through out the years.
Thank you, thank you so much for being you and being there.

Glimmer

img_3893I heard the heartbreaking news that one of my childhood friend took his own life.
He was so young and a happy, out going person with a wonderful future in front of him.
I can not judge his decision as I have been in his shoes and fully understand the darkness that he faced, I just wish that I could have seen him, talked to him and given him a hug and a little heartfelt advice.

We all must accept the fact that life is not perfect, that people are not perfect, and that you are not perfect. And that’s okay, because the real world doesn’t reward perfection.
Perfection is bull sh**, no one is perfect, everyone hurts and cries.
So please try to……Smile every chance you get, not because life has been easy, perfect, or exactly as you had anticipated, but because you choose to be happy and grateful for all the good things you do have, and all the problems you know you don’t have or overcome.
Try to understand that you are no alone in your suffering and that there is a tiny glimmer of light at the end of that ever so long dark tunnel.
Know that even though you have lost your one true love, your soul mate, your completion, that you can survive without her/him and you will learn life can go on without them, just think of the good times when the darkness rolls in and think to yourself how lucky you were to find and to have that.
That’s how I get through the day, and if I can do it, so can you.
It doesn’t mean I’m fixed because I’m far from, it means I choose to live and hopefully in time that light will glimmer through.

Burning

img_3875Some weeks are just plain hard, if you know what I mean.
This past week has been incredibly difficult and stressful. I’m more than happy it is nearly over.
I guess when you burn the candle at both ends, it’s going to burn out, well I think it finally happened.
I throw a birthday party for my mate Rich and after two days of cooking and playing the host, I think I more than over done it but it was sure worth it, we had a blast of a night, and nearly the whole crew back together. It was a really treat and should do it more often, that’s for sure.
Since then tho, life just caught up with me and I’ve been pretty wiped out all week, I can’t remember a time I felt so exhausted and poorly.
On top of that Marly-Kate was tripped at school and we ended up in a and e, got to say the school got a very angry call and visit the following day.
Everything that could go wrong this week went wrong and life really did hit me in the face like a ton of brick.
I’m so exhausted.
So yep I will be pleased, more than pleased when I can climb into bed.
Before I do, I would like to say a huge thank you for the lovely messages I have received this week. And I promise I will answer every comment and email. Please bare with me while I charge my batteries. I was so very touched and you made an incredibly hard week more bearable. I am truly grateful. 💕

No matter how strong the glue.

img_3841So I’ve been kind of negating my blog for a while now and it just dawned on me why.
I guess after all this time, I know I should be over Ross, but I’m not. My love for him is still as strong as it every was but with the added feelings of hurt, dislike and anger. Yes that hurts me to admit it but he tore my heart out at a time I needed him to be there, to wrap his arms around me, hold me, cry with me and to love with through the darkest days of my life.
But somehow I still love him, not that I chose to, but it’s still as strong as ever, I so wish it wasn’t.
I guess I’ve been unknowingly pulling away from this blog in hopes it may help me recover, to get over him, which in all honesty I don’t think I ever will. A love, a connection, a friendship this strong can never be got over.
We started this blog together and I had to pull back from it in hopes of healing. Well it isn’t working, it’s making everything worse.
My head is over run by feelings and no matter how hard I try to push them deep down inside, they won’t disappear, they won’t stop hurting and I don’t know how to cope.
I worry about everything, everyone and my head is so full of stress, my brain will not switch off, I can feel the cracks awaken and I know that if I do not write these feelings out that I will crack and I have come to far to do so.
Where I go from here I don’t know, put on the fake smile, the idle chitchat and the laugh that I’m sure as sure can be, that doesn’t come from the belly.
Love, true unconditional love is the most wonderful thing in life but it is also the most painful, soul-destroying Thing that can ever happen to you.
I am truly broken and no matter how strong the glue I use to try to fix the shattered heart of mine, it just keeps breaking, one sliver at a time.