No matter how strong the glue.

img_3841So I’ve been kind of negating my blog for a while now and it just dawned on me why.
I guess after all this time, I know I should be over Ross, but I’m not. My love for him is still as strong as it every was but with the added feelings of hurt, dislike and anger. Yes that hurts me to admit it but he tore my heart out at a time I needed him to be there, to wrap his arms around me, hold me, cry with me and to love with through the darkest days of my life.
But somehow I still love him, not that I chose to, but it’s still as strong as ever, I so wish it wasn’t.
I guess I’ve been unknowingly pulling away from this blog in hopes it may help me recover, to get over him, which in all honesty I don’t think I ever will. A love, a connection, a friendship this strong can never be got over.
We started this blog together and I had to pull back from it in hopes of healing. Well it isn’t working, it’s making everything worse.
My head is over run by feelings and no matter how hard I try to push them deep down inside, they won’t disappear, they won’t stop hurting and I don’t know how to cope.
I worry about everything, everyone and my head is so full of stress, my brain will not switch off, I can feel the cracks awaken and I know that if I do not write these feelings out that I will crack and I have come to far to do so.
Where I go from here I don’t know, put on the fake smile, the idle chitchat and the laugh that I’m sure as sure can be, that doesn’t come from the belly.
Love, true unconditional love is the most wonderful thing in life but it is also the most painful, soul-destroying Thing that can ever happen to you.
I am truly broken and no matter how strong the glue I use to try to fix the shattered heart of mine, it just keeps breaking, one sliver at a time.


One response to “No matter how strong the glue.

  1. one of the surest ways to help yourself get over ross is realizing you dont ever have to “completely” get over ross.

    not to say that love is ever fundamentally a bad thing– its what you do with it– but to draw a comparison to alcoholism: if youre an alcoholic, youre never NOT an alcoholic. you might live for decades upon decades, and learn to never drink, but youre an alcoholic forever.

    thats different from having to drink. its different from spending your life every day worrying about drinking.

    sometimes moving on is about accepting that some things may never change.

    i met one of the most fundamental loves of my life after my marriage fell apart. she showed me love (any kind of love) beyond what id ever known– while i was still reeling from my failed marriage. this was no rebound– we lasted longer than my marriage all the way back to when i met the woman i married, combined.

    i still lost her. we dont keep in touch. we didnt work out. losing her hurt deeply. it will always be a point in my life where there was a turn– for better or worse, it was a turn that took me on a journey that was as painful as anything id ever felt– and ive survived many truly painful, even terrifying things.

    but it doesnt get me every day, and i have fallen in love since then. part of me says, i will never love like that again. another part of me says, i will never be loved like that again. and still another part of me says, that love is bigger than any relationship.

    i have some of the best friends ive ever had– ever– since i lost her. i needed them, i dont know if i wouldve survived without them. and i havent given up on love– i cant. ive fallen for a couple people since.

    i would think of it like physical therapy. suppose for the sake of argument, you have some accident and cant use your legs. theyre not ruined forever, but for now, you cant walk. but you can actually walk again, the doctors tell you. it will be time, it will take effort, perhaps more effort than it ever took. and maybe you will never walk with exactly the same amount of grace and ease ever again (you dont know, actually.) but its still better than never walking again.

    i think ive said before, i often wish i could just put my arms around you for a moment. i dont know anyone anywhere who seems so lost without love– i can kind of relate. ive had a little love here and there. people who say they love me, people who have held me all night. but i remember when the future was more exciting and promising.

    well– the future now has more of a chance than that future did, however small it may be– as this one is uncertain, and that one i know how it worked out.

    i wish you the best, i wish you healing, i wish you brave steps forward. its ok to cry, its ok to remember, its ok to miss someone. whether its the main theme in your life, or a theme that slowly dwindles with time… i dont know you well enough to tell you. its probably ultimately a choice you have. i wouldnt ever tell you its easy, as i know so much better than that. ((((hugs.))))

    i can never tell from your blog what happened, or how long its been. you do seem to be stuck in a bit of a loop about it– not judging, these things take time. and sometimes a bit of a push from someone, somewhere. perhaps even a few people to push you to put one foot in front of the other. i wont push, or judge. but i wish you so very well, i wish you all the love you may ever need. it seems like the world could always use a little more– cheers.

    oh, p.s.– i dont know if fig wouldve ever been written without her. she didnt write it, she couldnt have written it. but she was so inspirational, and around when i wrote it. the manual on the other hand… started at the house of someone i had dated on and off since then, late at night when i couldnt sleep. to be honest, i dont think she loved me (the person i dated) but she was great to hold; she felt incredibly soft and warm. i understand that love is emotional. its spiritual, emotional, its about communication and understanding. but also its about holding each other. i cant imagine not letting that into my life, even if nothing comparse to holding someone who really, truly knows you.


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