Do you ever look at your life and think WTF!!!
My life has changed in so many ways, my dreams have floated away on the breeze, new ones replaced them which plummeted into a gaping huge black hole and now I live day-to-day, scared of dreaming.
I give myself small but meaningful challenges that push my boundaries at times and I love that.
I have plenty of them to fill my time but are they really me.
When did I turn into this women that is scared of her own shadow?
To scared to allow myself to open up my heart and live a carefree existence.
To scared to feel.
Have I really lost the carefree nature I once enjoyed.
Gone are the days, when I dance the night away, oblivious to my surroundings.
Gone are the days I danced on table tops, not giving a damn what people thought of me or even laughed at me, I would have joined in the laughter with them.
Gone are the days I had to please my boss and keep others from disappointing him.
Gone are the days that creating was living and proving myself was my main goal. I didn’t just want to be good at my job, I needed to be the best at the job.
Now if I have to prove anything to anyone, it’s myself I have to please.
Is that somehow better? Easier?
I really don’t hold the answers, all I know is that while I gave up on my dreams or when my dreams shattered around me sending me to the darkest corner of hell, I’ve learnt that life isn’t always your friend, that grief can destroy every part of your soul but somehow that darkness gives you more strength, more heart, more desperation than you knew you had in you.
Don’t get me wrong, hell is the worst place to be, I’ve cried more than I ever thought possible, I’ve screamed louder than my own ears could bare.
I’ve fallen deeper than the darkest darkness and in ways I will never be free of the soul crushing despair.
I loved and I lost, in so loosing myself but I’ve also grown through the emptiness, the heartbreak and the sorrow.
I am no longer care free, how could I be.
I know I will never love again, and in true honesty I don’t wish to.
I know also I could turn back the hands of time, make a call and walk back into the office tomorrow and take off, where I left from, I could bring that dream back to life.
Wholeheartedly I don’t want to.
I enjoy the working from home with no pressure, I work only when I feel I want to. That just fine with me.
I still have one dream that will never fade, a dream so meaningful, so full of my heart and soul, which I know will never come true. A pointless, soul crushing dream, which once was so full of love, light, adventure, hope and so, so much more.
That dream haunts me but still I can not let go.
But against all odds, I’m happy in my own little way, even though life is far from where I would have loved to have been in so many different ways.
And even though at times my life seems worthless and empty, I know deep down that it’s not.
I have no idea what life has in store for me, if anything but just ticking along, taking one day at a time, making the most of what I have and who I have in my life and that’s pretty damn fine for me.