That’s pretty damn fine by me.

Do you ever look at your life and think WTF!!!

My life has changed in so many ways, my dreams have floated away on the breeze, new ones replaced them which plummeted into a gaping huge black hole and now I live day-to-day, scared of dreaming.
I give myself small but meaningful challenges that push my boundaries at times and I love that.
I have plenty of them to fill my time but are they really me.
When did I turn into this women that is scared of her own shadow?
To scared to allow myself to open up my heart and live a carefree existence.
To scared to feel.
Have I really lost the carefree nature I once enjoyed.
Gone are the days, when I dance the night away, oblivious to my surroundings.
Gone are the days I danced on table tops, not giving a damn what people thought of me or even laughed at me, I would have joined in the laughter with them.
Gone are the days I had to please my boss and keep others from disappointing him.
Gone are the days that creating was living and proving myself was my main goal. I didn’t just want to be good at my job, I needed to be the best at the job.
Now if I have to prove anything to anyone, it’s myself I have to please.
Is that somehow better? Easier?
I really don’t hold the answers, all I know is that while I gave up on my dreams or when my dreams shattered around me sending me to the darkest corner of hell, I’ve learnt that life isn’t always your friend, that grief can destroy every part of your soul but somehow that darkness gives you more strength, more heart, more desperation than you knew you had in you.
Don’t get me wrong, hell is the worst place to be, I’ve cried more than I ever thought possible, I’ve screamed louder than my own ears could bare.
I’ve fallen deeper than the darkest darkness and in ways I will never be free of the soul crushing despair.
I loved and I lost, in so loosing myself but I’ve also grown through the emptiness, the heartbreak and the sorrow.
I am no longer care free, how could I be.
I know I will never love again, and in true honesty I don’t wish to.
I know also I could turn back the hands of time, make a call and walk back into the office tomorrow and take off, where I left from, I could bring that dream back to life.
Wholeheartedly I don’t want to.
I enjoy the working from home with no pressure, I work only when I feel I want to. That just fine with me.
I still have one dream that will never fade, a dream so meaningful, so full of my heart and soul, which I know will never come true. A pointless, soul crushing dream, which once was so full of love, light, adventure, hope and so, so much more.
That dream haunts me but still I can not let go.
But against all odds, I’m happy in my own little way, even though life is far from where I would have loved to have been in so many different ways.
And even though at times my life seems worthless and empty, I know deep down that it’s not.
I have no idea what life has in store for me, if anything but just ticking along, taking one day at a time, making the most of what I have and who I have in my life and that’s pretty damn fine for me.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.

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They say,
“Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”

I’ve always struggled with that concept because I truly believe that even while men put on a huge front not to show emotions, they feel them just as deep as us women, I believe that from the bottom of my heart.

I have only met two men that have been able to show their emotions, even talk about them at times, it was a sight to behold and maybe that was why I was drawn to them, one being in friendship, one being in earth shattering love.
Both were raised by their mothers and I always thought that maybe just maybe this was the reason they let their guild down a little. I do believe that walls were still in place, walls that would take more than a life time to break down but still it was warming to my soul.

I will never fully understand why men shy away from what the heart is screaming at them and why they guard their emotions with such strength and determination.
Do they somehow not see that us women need just a tiny insight into the hearts of the men we care about.
It really is the greatest gift to show someone who you care, so why hide behind the toughest wall to break – PRIDE.
Pride is funny thing, we all have it, we all face the battle against it and we all let it bite off our nose to spite our face.
There really is no shame in letting down your guard, letting you emotions rule your head, if only for a few minutes.

We all want to feel cared about, we all want that deeper connection, we all want to feel worthy, to feel loved.

So why is it easier for women to show all these tiny elements of someone’s heart and soul, than it is for a man?

Is it in their upbringing?
Is it a case of male pride?
Or is really just that they are incapable of showing what they are feeling? (I don’t believe that for one second)

Or is it a case that some women are so full of their own insecurities, self-worth, that every thoughtful look, every men to men conversation, every silent moment, they draw upon that as a negative emotion, do they really think everything is about them.
They are silent because they are thinking about you?
They are chatting to each other about you?

I swear that’s not the case because no one knows what’s going on in someone’s else’s head or heart, no ones life totally evolves around their partner or friends, and that’s a good thing.
Why would you want that?
Why would you want to lose the person you got to know, you began to care about and maybe even fell in love with.
Not a single soul can consume another persons thoughts 24 7, and rightly so because if that was the case, you’ve already lost the person who you have connected with, be it in friendship or love.
Ok, I’m sure we all like to think that the person or persons you hold dear, think about us from time to time. That when they do, a smile forms on their lips.
That smile alone specks volumes, it shows emotion, truth and heart and to me that great thing.
Maybe we should all look at the little things in life, friendship or love and words may no longer be needed.
Maybe the guys have it right, maybe they don’t.
All I know is that we all have emotions, we are all not good at speaking them or even showing them but it doesn’t mean they are not there. Fighting desperately to get out, pushing down pride, brick by brick. And even though that wall is still solid and unbreakable, you just need to have faith that men and even women may not be able to let their walls crumble, it doesn’t mean they don’t care, that they don’t love you, it means that they are human and struggle as all humans do.
My walls may be higher than ever before, they may be rooted deeper than anyone wishes to dig, but I still feel deeply, love wholeheartedly, and hurt intensely.

Flashback Friday

img_4282Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop us from savagely beating one of our coworkers with a keyboard.
So lower that keyboard and take a deep breath of freedom, it’s Friday.
Happy, happy, happy dance. 💃🏼

Sadly it means the end of half term but thank goodness for weekends.

My week has been so laid back and chilled, it’s been nice, lots of time with my little ray of sunshine, snuggle’s on the sofa, pizza 🍕, movies 🎥 and throw in a good old Thai takeaway. Best of all, seeing the freedom that always comes with a trip to mum and dads.
I just love watching Marley-Kate run free, climb trees and help her grandad with the farm. She loves to get covered in mud and jumping in the biggest dirtiest puddles that she can find, standing as still as she can in the bubbling brook and try her hardest to catch the tiny fish or to play poo sticks.
It’s the simple things that she loves and it’s a joy to watch.
The sun even came out, so we picnicked in the sheep fields and took in the beauty of life, freedom and the warmth of the winter sun. ☀️
There really is something so magical about moments like those, I can’t explain it, there simply are no words.

After the hectic week before, it was perfect timing to get away from it all.

I did forget to tell you about my week last week and my trip to see Billie Elliot which was a gift from a friend. We went on his birthday and even though the meal before hand was a total disaster, you can’t even call it a meal because it never arrived and we had to dash to the theatre so we wouldn’t miss the show.
I was totally blown away by the show, it was amazing, those children just blow us away, their talent was incredible, seriously fantastic. Those 11-year-old in all their glory, lit up the whole stage and deserved so much more than the standing ovation which roared through the theatre. 🎭
In honesty I wasn’t that keen on going, but boy wasn’t I wrong, and a little shocked as the bad language coming out those children’s mouths was a surprise but somehow it just seemed to fit and make the performance even better.

All in all life has been pretty good of late and as the sun breaks through a little more each days, people’s moods seem to lighten and smiles, laughter and happiness breakthrough .
Spring is on the way, summer will soon follow.
So it’s come that time to look back, and remember past posts, it’s Friday after all.
This time two years ago, I was living the dream, I was in the most amazing place on earth, with great friends and I was free, totally and utterly free and I can’t wait to go back there.
Iceland is amazing, mind-blowing and damn right bloody freezing but that really doesn’t matter because somehow your heart, your love for life, warms your core and no matter how cold you are, that your can’t feel your finger, nose and toes, you just stand in awe of the beauty.

The post I’m sharing with you, was written just after my return and it just makes me smile reading it back.

So before I share it with you, I just want to say have an awesome weekend, what ever you have planned, stay safe and stay happy.

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A beautiful chapture 😃 How my life has changed.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2015/03/04/a-beautiful-chapture-%F0%9F%98-how-my-life-has-changed/

Life really is a roller coasters at the moment, after one of the most fantastic weeks of my life last week, to a family wedding, to final stages of packing up my life to move miles away from everyone, to the devastating news from consultants, life has thrown a hell of a lot of emotions, hard decisions, extreme highs and lows at me.
I felt that I have turned a corner, I have been loving life, I’ve smiled and laughed and found that happiness can really exist even with a ticking time bomb over my head and a shattered beyond shattered heart.
Life is no way the same and I’m sure as sure that I am not the same person I was even a few weeks ago.
Something just changed over night and I wanted to feel happiness again.
How I felt that happiness doesn’t really matter, it doesn’t matter that I went against my constants orders so I could finally feel some other emotion apart from emotional pain.
I know I will have to live with the fall out of that as my condition gets worse by the day but boy it was worth it, ever second of every day/night was so worth it.
The feeling of freedom, hope, joy, laughter, smiles, excitement was worth a life time of physical pain.
Not much can match those few days of total joy.
Life was truly a gift, a gift so bright that the world was perfect, so perfect for those few days.
Even though there were moments when my heart wanted to take it away from me and show me that it couldn’t be perfect because it was missing one certain person.
I wasn’t going to let him take this dream, advantage away from me.
I wanted to feel all those different emotions flow through me, ones that I haven’t felt for so long.
Even though my heart wept for the what if, I couldn’t and wouldn’t allow it to win this time.
Life was pretty damn fantastic.
Mind blowing is an understatement.
I felt free totally free and that feeling alone was worth it.
Tune in soon to hear about my advantages.
Trust me you will be rushing to buy a ticket.
Stay safe and happy and smile your biggest smile because life is a gift, and it can be bloody fantastic at times.

Flashback Friday

The clock face never changes, only the hands of time.
Seconds, minutes, hours pass by in that blink of our eyes.
Our eyes tell our story deep within our souls.
Our souls embed memories that only time can hold.
With another week over, our pages a little longer and our eyes a tiny bit deeper. Time runs away with us leaving only a few treasured memories to behold.

Friday is upon us and reflection can take hold and the memories can fill these pages, which never grow old.

This week has been all about flowers, chocolates and cards, we have all shown our loved ones, the heart never grows cold.
A Valentines over and a birthday or two, it’s time to look back and reflect on our souls.

Spring flowers are awaking and sun rays breakthrough, while I give you a poem that was only for you.
As I look back upon these pages full of love and sorrow, reminiscing the time that I once was whole.

Even though these words are written from deep within my soul, whispered gently to their owner who will never be told.
I give you, no flowers, chocolates or cards, only my words that may have grown old, still entwined in my memory and the beating of my heart.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2013/10/22/a-kinda-poem-for-ross/

Your love was like ice cream on a hot summers day,
Waves crashing on the shore
And butterfly’s dancing in the breeze.
White fluffy clouds drifting ever so gently across the horizon,
Picnic baskets full of strawberries and cream.
Candy floss and toffee apples, as the sky alights on bonfire night.
The sparkle of the lights on the Christmas tree and the roaring fire flames on a winter’s night.

Your touch was like a mug full of costa coffee, warming me from the inside to the out.
Dancing to the perfect melody, so sweet. It takes your breath away.

Your friendship was the perfect lazy day, full of movies, coffee, chocolate and cigarettes.

Your eyes were like the deep blue ocean, so full of soul and beauty.

You are the perfect beginning to everyday and the perfect end to every evening.

No man could truly tame a wolf.

I have/have had the busiest week, ten ton of deliveries, a huge work schedule, lots of sorting of furniture and moving it around the house, which leads to cleaning and more flipping cleaning, hospital, bloods and venesection’s, add to that a trip to the theatre 🎭 (I hope I don’t sleep through the show) and a few meals out, the list can go on and on.
It just happens that I have the wolf banging at my door.🐺
I feel extremely rough, exhausted even, my bones ache and my joints are so swollen you can’t even see that I have knuckles.
Brain fog, a splitter of a headache, blurred vision, seems to make everything so much harder.
I don’t often moan when I’m in a bad flare but boy, this time it hurts and has me thrown against the wall, the wolf is at my heels and I’m feeling the pressure.
Motivation is always a tricky one in the mornings, I really have to push myself to get going, no amount of coffee seems to do the trick, I know I have to push on, push past it. I need take the wolf by the balls and fight with all my worth.
I seem to be loosing, all I want to do is, climb back into my lovely new bed and sleep for a month.
If only I could.
I need to tame this wolf !!! 🐺

There’s no place like home 🏡

img_4239If you have read my house to home post, you’ll know already that I’m slowly but surely doing our house up.
I call it a house because still after nearly two years it still feels like a brick and mortar. Sadly not a home.
I’m not sure if it ever will as nothing can ever come close to the place I felt so at home at.
Really a home is where your heart is and this isn’t it. With that said though, I will try my very up most to make these walls into a place Marley-Kate will always feel as if it’s her home.
The location is a delight, a little hamlet just outside Salisbury, surrounded by trees and fields, a local shop and park and a funny old bunch of neighbors that like to think they know everyone’s business, but that’s part of country life I guess (towns are worst I think for gossip etc), some have been here way before the houses were built, which is kind of nice when you think about it.
We even have a dinky train station which has proven a god send at times for my lodger/cousin, bless him, but in truth he loves living here, which is a bit of a shock after growing up in good old Brighton.

When I first viewed the house, omg I just wanted to turn around and walk away, no way was I going to pay what they were asking, it was so dirty and unloved, the garden was a bomb site, worse than actually. Marly-Kate had other ideas and even claimed her room, which she had never done before on what seemed liked a trillion houses we viewed. That was it, we put our offer in and after someone else offered over the asking price, my heart sank, so I throw in one even higher and got it, I just couldn’t upset Marly-Kate.
It all went through very fast thanks to being a cash buyer and within 4 weeks I had the keys in my hands and a pig sty of a house where my hard-earned cash once was.
The first few days of having the keys, all my good friends were here with more beer than you can imagine and within days all rooms had been cleaned and had a coat of paint, even a few floors were down and a hall carpet in place.
Since then we have just lived with it, doing small jobs and started the awful task of the garden, which is half-finished. Since then I have had a new roof put on and smashed a hole in the bricked up chimney and I’ve made my own health, I’m pretty impressed with how it turned out. 😃
Just concrete, black glass, clear glass, tiny black stones which we collected from different beaches and a light black dye, mixed all up, poured into a frame-work and bobs your knob, one dull health. Hours of polishing changed that and a few coats of a sealer and it looks good, I’m more than pleased and now it holds a log burner which just adds a homely feel to these four walls.
It’s pretty cozy for those snuggles on the sofa under our home-made blankets watching movies, reading or writing Marly-Kate’s blog. Our puppy and kitten love cuddling up together by the fire, it’s very cute.
Still there is loads of work to be done, huge jobs like bathrooms, kitchen (it’s not that bad but it could be better), the rest of our garden along with decorating and small building work that needs doing inside.
It can all be done when the timing is right, I at least hope to tick a few things off the goal list this year, but I know for sure that I won’t let it get in the way of living, after all it’s really just bricks and mortar, which will still be standing way after I’m not.
Life is short and it’s making memories that matters to me more than most. Hopefully though these old bricks will be forever imbedded in Marly-Kate’s memory as her happy, safe place which she calls home.🏡