Welcome to the week

Welcome to the week from hell.

 

This week has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now.
Not only do I have to see my main consultant to discuss surgery but it’s a huge week for hospital appointments for my family, the outcomes of these is beyond scary.
One could lad to my mum loosing her driving licence as her brain tumour is effecting her vision and having to face having more brain surgery to remove yet another tumour. I really can’t see my mum go through that again, it was distressing enough the last time and I know she is scared about going back under the knife after the heart surgeon made the biggest mistake of his life resulting in our poor mum flatlining 7 times. I fully understand why she never wants to have another operation in her life.
Also my dad’s brother is facing a fear all of his own, the big old C word is haunting our family right now, lung cancer is more than a tad frightening. Fingers crossed it’s something that can be fixed and that, the terrifying word isn’t the words he hears tomorrow.
One good thing this week though, is I’m booked in for a tattoo. I have wanted to have this tattoo done for a long time now. It holds a special meaning, but also the most heartbreaking meaning.
We are also going to design my cover up. At least that is something to look forward to. 😀
Can I press fast forward yet and let this week be over.

Flashback Friday

So it’s been one of those weeks were every Tom, Dick and Harry want a piece of me and I just so exhausted I can’t say no.
I feel like I’m neglecting my blog and still have a ton of emails to answer (sorry).
Right now I just want to climb into my princess and the pea bed (it’s so high I nearly have to climb into it, hence the name Marly-Kate came up with) and sleep the year away.
I’m having so much trouble getting out of bed in the morning, it’s so warm and comfy, I could just stay hidden under the blankets for a life time.
Thank goodness it’s Friday, no alarms tomorrow, that’s such a simple joy.
So my weeks been totally manic and as I said I feel like I’m neglecting this space and I hate that. So I thought I would re share my first blog post.
I remember every second of writing it, every feeling, every emotion, every reasoning.
This blog means everything to me, it really does.
So here goes, my first ever blog post, yeah I know it’s cheesy but who doesn’t like a bit of cheese every now and again.
Have a good weekend, stay safe, stay strong, but most of all relax. 🤞

In the corner of my mind and deep with in my soul, I live in a beautiful world filled with love, sweetness and butterflies.
Everything is wonderfully light and magical.
I think they call this LOVE.
And I find this is true for I, this small town girl, am in love with my knight, my hero, my soul re connected.
The feeling sends me floating in the breeze to where I feel tenderness, warmth and passion.
No single word including love will ever take on the meaning of the feelings that this small town boy has given me.
As we float and our life’s unfold together into new beginnings, of hope, love and fairytale endings, maybe your floating to and can share in our quest to find our happy ever after.
And while we live in heaven right now, it’s not always been this simple, we have fought many battles, slayed dragons, and battled many demons, but one thing is for sure the fight is worth while and as we dance on rainbows and take in the beauty of this feeling, my love grows ever so stronger and I am winning the battle.

You could have

It makes me so flipping angry and sad that so many distressing images of yesterday’s events in London, have been posted on social media, some by the public and some by media organisations.

So it seems that passers-by saw someone horrifically injured by some low life manic, and rather than help in any way they could, choose to get out their phones and take images of the dead and dying people.
Media organisations descend and capture what they can as ‘news’.

As an ex photographer, the last thing I would do is take images at this time.
Those that have should be utterly ashamed.
You could have tried to save someone, instead you chose to take a picture.

What is this world coming to???
It’s wrong, so very wrong. 😢

They may just be a gossip story to you but they are people, humans, fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, husbands, wife’s and someone’s child. They are someone’s world, their everything and you let them down, you let our country down but most of all you let yourselves down.
I hope those photos are worth having to live with that fact.

You could have been their hero, you could have made a difference but still you choose to be an asshole!!!

Just a little

Just a little note to say “Thank you so much for all my birthday message, cards, pressies, it means loads.”
I’m slowly getting through them after a very hectic but lovely long weekend.
Bare with me, I will answer all but in the mean time just know I appreciate every single one and am very touched.💗

Thanks again. 😃

I will hopefully will get to tell you all about my adventures in the next few days.

Tata for now.

Flashback Friday

Not much to report this week, I’ve spent most of it feeling a tad under the weather, so I’ve sat and started the massive task of making new cushions for my mum.

I have though been talking to a few of my people about their unhappy marriages. 👰🏻🤵🏻💍
It’s such a shame that people just give up on relationships when a little hard work, conversation and a listening ear could save thousands legal fees. 💰
If you love someone fight for them, if they are your world, give them your world. Life is far from easy, love is even harder but it’s also worth giving your all for.
We all give up before we have even tried, that truly saddens my soul.
Saying that, the flashback for today’s Friday, tells a different story, one where love just doesn’t come into it.
A violent marriage shouldn’t be fort for.
With that said, this is my story and I hope it may give someone the fighting chance to walk away.🐾
So without farther ado I give you this weeks Flashback Friday.
Stay strong, stay true and enjoy your weekend.😃

 

Stepping back in time to a new marriage and hope of a peaceful future. Boy wasn’t I wrong.
Can’t say I was overjoyed to be a Mrs, but it had got me out of home and what I thought was a better life.

Wedding bliss didn’t last long. My husband became a control freak and I went back to the dark ages.
His tea would have to be on the table when he got home, I would have to be waiting with coffee made, a news paper and slippers in my hand.
The bath running so as soon as he ate it was ready for him.
I got use to this and thought maybe this is the way it was in every household.
As the years went on Rob would control who I saw, who I spoke to, even told me how to dress.
Sadly I turned to a drink here and there to help control the ill feeling I was building up. I still played the good housewife, did what I was told and played by his rules.
I remember one day I got home late from work, and his tea was not ready. This is the first time I felt his hand. I was shocked, in pain and totally convinced it was my own doing.
I was in the wrong, I should have got home quicker

I forgave and thought he won’t do it again
But he had found a power over me, he loved the control.
The beatings got worse from then on.
I could see no way out and I was told by my step father that marriage was not something you walk away from. “You gave yourself to him the day you wed in the eyes of god.”
I stuck it out, I don’t know why, I hid the bruises well, so I thought.
I closed in on myself, shutting the world out.
I became scared of everything and felt like there was no way out.
But there always was, I could have left at any time, but he made me feel so weak that I truly didn’t believe I could walk away and hold myself together.
Finally one day, I found out my husband was having a relationship and that was my get out.
I packed my bags and ran

Since that day I have never looked back, I found myself again and I was strong enough to stand alone and face the world.

I now will never let anyone lay a finger on me and the first time they do, they will be my past.

Anyway the motto to my story is
No matter how weak someone can make you feel, how alone in the world and how useless you feel.
You are stronger than you think and you can walk away. You can be true to yourself and live without fear.

Don’t let any one every hurt you, make you feel worthless. And the first time your partner hits you, don’t tell yourself it’s a one-off because it is not. They will not change.
Get out before it destroys you.

Completely utterly

I’m completely utterly proud.

My baby cousin who lives with us, has been through a hard few years.
From constantly urging with his mum, being unhappy at home and getting into not the best company, he asked if he could move in with me.
Of course I said yes, I had grown up in an unhappy home, scared to death of my step father, I rebelled and got out of home as fast as I could, which lead me down the wrong path, one that was worse than my step fathers belt. I was young and foolish, marriage wasn’t the answer especially a violent husband who liked nothing better than to put me in my place with his fists. 👊

I had to give my baby cous a chance to turn his world around.
And even though we have had trying times due to his heartbreak which took him along the road of drinking and light drugs. Somehow we managed between us to get him through college, a degree in computer science and design also passing with the highest marks in public survive, which opened doors to the marines. (What an achievement 😃)
He made the rash decision to not go down either of those paths and decided to train to be a life guard along side chemical training.
He passed and has scored himself an awesome job at our nearest sports complex.
Not only that, within the month of starting his new job, he’s been made chemical supervisor, along side pool supervisor. Not bad for a just 18-year-old.
I’m so flipping proud of him, and that’s really an understatement.
He’s turned his life around and is a cracking lad who everyone he meets loves him, I think his cheeky grin has a part to play. 😝
I really couldn’t be prouder.
It really warms me to think that he has proved himself to those that never believed in him especially those school teachers 👨‍🏫 who constantly told me that he’s wasting his life away and will end up as a nobody.
They have to eat their words now because he is doing better than fantastic and I’m glowing with pride for him.
He’s such a good kid, that got lost along the way, in doing so he stumbled along a path that has given him so much more than he ever expected.
The world really is at his feet now and it’s just the beginning of his adventure through life.

When perfect goes wrong, those are the memories that last forever

Two posts in one day, it’s been a while since I have done that.
I know I often write about how memories are so important, that’s because they really are the most important thing in life.
Making them is easy, you don’t even know you are.
Every simple moment with the people you love, every smile, every laugh and every song, they all turn into the most beautiful power memories.
They are so very precious, so unbelievably precious because when they are all you have left of someone, they can fill you with so much joy, love, warmth, they become everything. Even though they are ours and ours alone, someone out their has written them with you, though they may not see them in the same light as yours, they still have their own version, their own memories.

All I have left are the memories of the most incredible time of my life, the time I was the happiest I’ve ever been, the time I felt while, complete and even though the memories break my heart, I’m so glad I have them. Because without them I would be totally lost in darkness, I would have lost my soul, I would have given up on life a long time ago.
They are in some ways my saving grace because with them I know I can still feel, I can still love when I tell myself I don’t/won’t. While I kid myself that I’m no longer broken, that I’m no longer in love, that I’m stepping along the right road to recovery, my memory has a funny way of telling me even screaming at me, that without a shadow of a doubt that my heart still belongs to him, that no matter how much I try to push those feelings deep within my core, he will always be my one and only love, the kind of love that never fades.but still I will keep pushing those feelings down deep and pretending they are not there, putting one foot in front of the other, staying as strong as I can, while trying my up most to build a different life for myself and Marley-Kate.
And even though it sucks that those memories, those feeling have a funny way of hurting me, somehow they bring me some kind of peace.
How can it be, that something so very powerful be a blessing and an omen?

Memories really are funny things.
I was sat here, trying to blank out my thoughts, trying to clear my mind of all its rambling and a song just appeared in my mind. (Song below)
That song took me back to my childhood, to Sunday mornings, to the smell of roast dinners and music blasting from the kitchen. To my mum singing to her heart’s content.
The feelings that came with that piece of music, with those lyrics took me back to yesteryear and I was once again a child, playing teddy tea parties with my sister in my bed room, music and singing filled the rooms, along with the warming smell of our Sunday lunch. Even though my childhood was far from perfect, I was glad to be there once again.
That’s why to me memories are everything.
Hold on tight to them.

Flashback Friday

What a Long, long week, Friday is so welcome.
So I’ve spent most of the week sat in a hospital bed wired up to infusion machines. I’m more than happy to be home.
I have to say a massive thank you to everyone that gave up their days and nights to look after Marly-Kate. She has had a blast and has been very spoilt. You are all so wonderful and I truly appreciate your help and love.

On Monday, mum, Her best friend and I decided to go on a little jolly to pick up paint, lavender plants and the price up the garden make over, by the time I got home, I was different shades of blues, purples, reds and black. Fever and cold sweats had taken hold and I knew that something was wrong but thought a cat nap would sort me out. Next thing I knew I woke up in hospital having iloprost infusions and that’s where I stayed until yesterday.
I can not tell you how glad I am to be home, there is nothing like sleeping in your own bed, starfishing. 😝
Something good came out of this long, long week, as I fall in love. ❤

I fall in love with music again.
Music has always been a massive part of my life, it’s helped me more than I can express. It lifts you, it helps you cry and so many lyrics have meanings to them, which has proven to much for me over the last few years.
It’s so hard listening to music when it just reminds you of what you once had, brings back the best of memories which gut punch you, even wiping every song from my pc, didn’t help until I was sat bored in that bed. YouTube once again became my friend and even though lyrics hit hard, and new meaning formed with the notes play, somehow it soothed my soul.
And this all came from one incredible artist, he truly has to be the best of the best and I’m so grateful that his pure talent, enlightened my soul.
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard his new album but with each listen it only became more outstanding and touched me deeper than music has for a long time now.
Thank you Ed Sheeran , you sir are pure genius.
If you haven’t listened to his new album “Divide”, you must do.
There is not much else I can say about my week apart from thank god it’s Friday.
And we all know what Fridays mean!
Flashback time
So without further ado I give you……

No place like home. 🏡

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2013/03/11/no-place-like-home/

They say, “There is no place like home.”
I find myself wondering where is home?
Home is meant to be the building you lay down your foundations and settle, that you look forward to returning to after a long hard day at work, your safe place,
it’s really like your bed, warm, comfy and you never want to leave 😉
I can truly say that I have not, as long as I can remember, felt that I have found the sense of homeliness or felt that I could call that building home.
I have lived in a few places but can I call this home?
Just because I lived there, did they ever give me the feeling of being completely at home.
To me, home should be the one place in this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule.
Home should be like a delicious piece of chocolate cake you order in a restaurant on a country road, the best piece of cake you have ever eaten in your life, and can never find again.
If this is how you should feel when you arrive home, then why do I get this feeling when I’m not at my home?
Is it the building that gives you this feeling?
I find this not to be true.
For I believe that a building can not give you these feelings, but the people inside the four walls, in which they call their home.
Home to me, is the love, it’s the people, it’s the comfort, tranquility, kindness, warmth, tenderness and understanding all rolled into one that makes home what it is.
After pondering over this for a while now, I have drawn my conclusion and that is,
“Home is where the heart is.”
It not a building, a place, it’s LOVE.
It’s coming back to your partner or family, it’s just simply those four little letters, that mean the most in the world.
It’s simple really.
Love is all you need to feel at home.

Flashback Friday

img_4299I can’t believe it’s March already. The cozy evenings are not as cosy as they once were, spring has slowly been giving us a glimmer of hope as the snowdrops shimmer in the winter sun and all the spring flowers burst out of hibernation, planet earth has taken on a different kind of beauty.
The days are a little longer, not so much warmer but hope is in the air.
I personally love winter even though it’s not always my friend. I just love to watch as fire flames dance freely as we snuggle under blankets and watch cheesy movies. Or sit in our pj’s, dressing gowns, and fluffy bedsocks, wrapped tightly in blankets, Marly-Kate sipping her morning hot chocolate, as I warm my blue hands on my coffee cup, we watch the frost twinkle while the sky alights in flames of red and orange as the sun awakens, making everything so much more beautiful. I truly will miss those cold, crisp, dry mornings, there really is something so magical about them.
As I sit with my coffee and hear spring bursting to life, birds chirping softly, the occasional sheep baaaing, the trees rustling, fallen leaves taking flight as the wind sores across the fields, I reflect back on my week and take stock of the journey that’s we have been tiptoeing along.
It’s not been the most exciting of weeks, I’ve felt sorrow and joy as we’ve remembered my gorgeous sister, I still can’t believe she’s not here, but sadly in the arms of angels. She was always to good for this world, still I want her here.
We have lost so many and most days that pain is too much to bare so I bury those sorrows deep within me in hopes to get through the days not in a river of tears. I just hope they are all happy, their spirits free.
I guess that’s all we can hope for, for the ones taken to soon.

So Friday is upon us and that time has come once more, to remember old pages, emotions and more.

Before I share this weeks flashback with you, I would like to say thank you for your messages and I promise to reply as soon as I can, I have a busy day ahead starting with the school run which I should be getting organised for instead of finishing the last dregs of coffee while I type away at this post on my pad. (We are going to be so late. 😱)
I best get my skates on. Have a wonderful weekend, stay true, happy and healthy but most of all, enjoy.
See ya 👋

You did good.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2016/03/02/you-did-good/

I have never been a great lover of the Internet, I never uploaded photos, I for sure wouldn’t use internet banking. And forums were a huge no, no.
 I must admit that I still don’t trust it fully, after hearing stories of hacking and a nifty gadget called a Pineapple. (Now that’s an awesome piece of kit)
Over the last few years, I have had to put my hang ups on the back burner and go against my views on using the Internet for living. 
Life throw me a hand that made me have to change. 
I live in a sleepy hamlet, in which only has a corner shop, a phone box and a green for the children to play, the nearest city is at least 8 miles away, it’s busy, loud and very pretty. The cathedral is a sight to be seen, a true masterpiece, beauty is in full force here and I now understand why it use to be talked about with such fondness.
 In the other direction is a cute little town which is also a picture but as most towns are now it’s full of charity shops, hairdressers, nail bars and estate agents, the biggest named shop I guess would have to be New Look. Shops are over priced but for that extra money you get the normal, everyone knows everyone and their business.
Due to the 10 minute drive or train ride to get to anywhere to carry out the everyday shop, I now shop online, something that I haven’t done before. Ok it’s not a match on the real thing, you kinda stick to the same old same old, just because it’s easy and a time saver.
I shop on-line for most things these days, from my addiction to yarn/wool, to clothes for Marly-Kate, food, home goods, eBay is my best friend, and Amazon is creeping up fast. Wool warehouse is just put on this earth to toy with me and I have to ban myself daily from spending money on there. Yes yes I’m a self-confessed yarn addict. What the hell am I going to do with all that I already have, it’s no way possible to use what I have in 2/3 years, I really don’t need any more.
 I totally blame Pinterest for that one.
I have found that forums have become my best time waster, but boy I’m so grateful to them.
The help, advice, and general care that people give has been overwhelming.
 It’s nice to know that if you have a question, there are people out there who are willing to give up their time to help, to listen and to give their own views, thoughts, guidance. That is really touching.
YouTube has always been a big part of my life, mainly for music, I’m a sucker for lyrics, and uplifting tunes, yes, they can change your day around.
 Music is the best ever soul enlightener.
 Internet banking… Hmmmm, that’s a hard one, I have to use it, I couldn’t cope without it, but I do NOT trust it.
But it has to be done.
Websites and Blogs, now this is what I love about having the world at your fingertips. Blogs are the most amazing thing, the knowledge, the ideas, the tutorials, the passion, love and respect, people give up their time to share their wisdom with you. It’s amazing.
We truly have the world’s knowledge in our hands. That’s pretty damn impressive. 
I follow a lot I mean a lot of blogs, I spend hours at the hospital just reading and learning from these. In turn opening up my mind to a whole new world, a world full of knowledge, skill and determination. It really is incredible.
 It blows me away and when I sit and think about the souls who slug their guts out to give us all the power to sit and read the words of wisdom that appear on our screens, I have so much gratitude for them.
 If only we all knew what goes in to every page you open.
 The hours and hours of coding, it’s more than incredible so I thank you, each and every one of you that plays a part of this magical Internet.
No they are not geeks, they are highly intelligent people, truly they are. I take my hat off to them.
So thank you from this small town girl to all you coders, designers and serenity Guinness’s.
You did good kid.
Well done all.

Screw you

img_4300Some days are meant for sofas, blankets and sick bowls.
Of late it’s been happening way to often and with it comes too much head space.
And I can’t let the good old head f*** pull me down, I can’t allow myself to be controlled by my emotions because I’m not going to allow myself to be that person anymore and even though I’m still a believer in heart over head, it hurts to deeply and I don’t want to be the shell of a person I have been for far to long.
I’ve grown so much as a person and I’m no longer taking tiny steps to better myself or my life. I’ve been taking the balls by the horns and I am finally trying my hardest to pull my self out of the depression I’ve lived in for far to long.
I won’t let love or heartbreak define me because even though I can’t break free of what my heart and soul reminds me of every single day, every waking hour and every sleepless night, I can’t let myself destroy myself any more.

Last New Year’s Eve I decided that this year was the year that I had to take control, be it with goals, lists and just keeping my mind as busy as I can, I have to climb my way out of the pit of darkness that has me trapped. I have to make changes, I have to begin the climb to my own salvation, I have to stop dreaming that my once knight in not so shiny armour would somehow make everything better again because I know and I have always known that he wouldn’t.
I’m the only person that can save myself and it’s one fight that I will not give up on, I will not surrender, I can’t because I’m not saving myself for me but for my little ray of sunshine, who has seen too many tears, not enough smiles, not enough laughter and she has cried to many tears herself because her world, her mummy, has been so unhappy. I can’t and I won’t let her be the one that runs to me, throws her arms around me and comforts me, that’s not right. I’m the one that does that for her, that’s my job as her mummy. It’s my job to smile and comfort her when she has tears of her own. And even though it breaks my heart every time a tear rolls down her beautiful face, it’s me she wants and needs to comfort her, which of course I always do and will do always. She is my world and I for sure are not going to let my grief, my weakness, my pain, my longing, destroy her memories, her advantages or her growth. We alone can make our world, our house (home hopefully in time), our future be the best it can be for her because she deserves the earth, the sun and every star in the sky, because to me she is all those things and so, so much more.
So screw you sick days, screw you lupus. You may stop me ticking off goals or projects, picking up a hook and creating or stopping me dancing on tables if that’s what I wished to do, but you can’t stop me making those simple special memories that only can be felt between Marly-Kate and me.