Screw you

img_4300Some days are meant for sofas, blankets and sick bowls.
Of late it’s been happening way to often and with it comes too much head space.
And I can’t let the good old head f*** pull me down, I can’t allow myself to be controlled by my emotions because I’m not going to allow myself to be that person anymore and even though I’m still a believer in heart over head, it hurts to deeply and I don’t want to be the shell of a person I have been for far to long.
I’ve grown so much as a person and I’m no longer taking tiny steps to better myself or my life. I’ve been taking the balls by the horns and I am finally trying my hardest to pull my self out of the depression I’ve lived in for far to long.
I won’t let love or heartbreak define me because even though I can’t break free of what my heart and soul reminds me of every single day, every waking hour and every sleepless night, I can’t let myself destroy myself any more.

Last New Year’s Eve I decided that this year was the year that I had to take control, be it with goals, lists and just keeping my mind as busy as I can, I have to climb my way out of the pit of darkness that has me trapped. I have to make changes, I have to begin the climb to my own salvation, I have to stop dreaming that my once knight in not so shiny armour would somehow make everything better again because I know and I have always known that he wouldn’t.
I’m the only person that can save myself and it’s one fight that I will not give up on, I will not surrender, I can’t because I’m not saving myself for me but for my little ray of sunshine, who has seen too many tears, not enough smiles, not enough laughter and she has cried to many tears herself because her world, her mummy, has been so unhappy. I can’t and I won’t let her be the one that runs to me, throws her arms around me and comforts me, that’s not right. I’m the one that does that for her, that’s my job as her mummy. It’s my job to smile and comfort her when she has tears of her own. And even though it breaks my heart every time a tear rolls down her beautiful face, it’s me she wants and needs to comfort her, which of course I always do and will do always. She is my world and I for sure are not going to let my grief, my weakness, my pain, my longing, destroy her memories, her advantages or her growth. We alone can make our world, our house (home hopefully in time), our future be the best it can be for her because she deserves the earth, the sun and every star in the sky, because to me she is all those things and so, so much more.
So screw you sick days, screw you lupus. You may stop me ticking off goals or projects, picking up a hook and creating or stopping me dancing on tables if that’s what I wished to do, but you can’t stop me making those simple special memories that only can be felt between Marly-Kate and me.