I’m still

Last night I sat and cried, cried deeper and harder than I’ve allowed myself to for a long time.
I let my mind race and it bought sorrow so painful I felt my heart shatter into a trillions more pieces.
I tried to pull myself together, I tried I really did, but the harder I tried the heavy the sorrow descended, the tears heavier and I broke all over again.
I try so hard, so good damn hard to learn to be me again, to slowly glue those tiny pieces of my heart and soul back together.
The sad truth, but the whole heartedly truth is I’m still broken, totally and utterly broken.πŸ’”



I sent an email this morning to a dear friend of mine and even though this message may have seemed that I was just rambling on about me, myself and I, it truly was extremely hard to write.
It was very personal and revealing, something I do not do lightly.
I find it extremely hard to open up and let people in, I always have.
I think I have only truly opened up to one person in my life time and he was my soul mate, my air, my light, my everything, it was so easy with Ross.
I’m not sure why, was it because I never felt complete until I was in his presence, until that very first message, that very first conversation, that very first kiss.
He made me feel whole.
When I lost him, I lost myself and the ease to talk freely.
I’m now a closed book, more so than I ever was, I’m half the person I was when I was with him.

That simple email to a friend was very hard but I’m glad I fought the nagging voice to let a little piece of me out.
But still there’s a part of me that feels strange about it, that growing whisper of insecurity rattles through me.
I really believed that I had grown past the point of caring what others think, of others judgement, but still I fear it, I fear judgement on extreme levels.
As I kick myself for being so stupid and self-judgemental, I know I’m my worst enemy.
In truth the email probably didn’t come across as even that personal, and maybe it was rambling but to me, those rambles are extraordinarily hard.

I know I open up a little on here, but every post, is written from the heart to people I will never meet, that somehow smooths me and makes it a little easier, it’s helps me cope with not just life but something so much deeper.
Opening up here is easier than opening up to even my closest and most treasured friends and family.
So with that said and done, I wish to thank you all for being on the other end of the inter-web, for taking your time to read just one of my posts, one that I’ve sincerely struggled to open up in.
Thank you all for being the ray of sunshine that creeps into the heavily closed book that is my life and my soul.
Thank you.
Rose 🌹

Flashback Friday

Friday, it’s here but means one thing…..
I still had to get out of bed !!!
Roll on Saturday I say. 😜
The weekend is just hours away and it’s a long one in the good old UK.πŸ‡¬πŸ‡§ The month is almost over and May is creeping in fast, and soon we will be half way through the year. Time, days and months just seem to be moving so fast and I swear it gets faster as we get older. A year was a life time as a child and now if we blink we miss it.
I really don’t feel as if I have achieved much considering how fast the months are flying by.
Especially the last few weeks which have been mainly filled with duvet days, exhaustion and feeling pretty damn crap. That will teach me for over doing it. I am sure I will learn someday to listen to my body and respect it.
A huge Thank you to Sammy for all your love, friendship, help and just being you, your one in a million.
I will say though after days upon days of bed rest, I beat the odds and managed to go out yesterday, and boy wasn’t it worth it. What a different and amazing evening. I really didn’t think I would come home with that attitude and pretty shocked that it would have that effect on me, but in all honesty I was blown away.
They say the nights that you dread are the nights that turn out pretty damn incredible, it sure was that.
Hopefully I will get time to blog about that today or over the weekend so watch this space if you want to know more about my mini adventure.
For now though I have a million and one things to do today and all I want to do is claim into my princess and the pea bed πŸ›Œ, close my eyes and sleep until tomorrow. Who am I kidding, adulthood has different plans for me today so without further ado I will say, “Happy Friday, have fun, party hard and dance like no one is watching or even chill, play video games πŸ’»and take some much-needed you time”
I leave you with today’s flashback Friday.
Ta ta for now.


Time. ⏱

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

But what happens when you spend your day wishing your life away because you have a date in time you are longing to get to.

I find myself wishing the hands of times would hurry up, the days go so slow, seconds seem like minutes, minutes seem like hours and hours seem like days.
All because a certain date a few days away holds the key to my contentment and delight.
Time instantly has a meaning.
Locked in a trap of hearing every tick of the clock.
I’m living in slow motion, no matter what I do or how I try to get the minutes to roll on faster, time is against me.
Should I be wishing my life away and not making the most of the here and now ?
I know deep with in my soul that every second, minute and hour is a gift and not to spend it lightly as it can be taken away at any time and life is a treasure.
But what happens when the greatest of gems is waiting patiently just a few days away.

My life seems to be just a waiting game, pining for the next burst of excitement and pure joy, just being with my soul mate and living out our dreams.
When time allows me to feel the pleasure of feeling totally complete, time once again goes against me.
This time the clock ticks away, way to quickly and the hours seem like seconds.
So here I am once again, counting the minutes, the hours and days, willing the hands of time to be kind and let me be once again complete.

Cocktail with a twist. πŸΉ

As many of you may know, Lupus and a few other autoimmune deficiency diseases have caused havoc with my life for a good few years now. (Sucks)
My doctors believe they reared their ugly heads due to heartbreak and grief, not that, that can be proved, but it’s the answer I get when I ask “Why?”Β (I wonder if I ever became totally happy, complete, like I was when I was with Ross, would I go in to remission?)

Without going into too much detail, all I can really say is life now is one big cocktail of drugs, the legal type.

I’m pretty useless at taking them, I’m guessing down to brain fog and life just being rather hectic. Boy don’t I know when I haven’t taken them, thank god for Fitbit alarms.

I’ve always been against putting any kind of medicine into my system, no idea why, I just have never liked doing so. Now though I have to, which rattles me, I really, really dislike the fact that I have to put this unknown crap into my body. Sadly it’s what I have to do, to try to live a normal life.

So I thought that I would share the pros and cons of the cocktail of drugs that has become the norm. If only that cocktail was the real deal 🍹 and I was happily slurping away of a deck chair by the pool, soaking up a good old dose of vitamin B.

So this is what I have to take daily, most are 3 times a day, or when I need a quick pain fix.

Morphine (tablet form) 50mg, two times a day.
Morphine Sulfate oral, 10mg taken every two hours.
Amitriptyline, 50mg at night.
Co-codamol, every four hours
Paracetamol 1000mg every four hours
Sildenafil, three times a day.
Aspirin. One a day.
Bisacodyl taken when needed, five tablets a night.

The after effects are a bit**.
From weight loss to weight gain, banging headaches, constipation, dizziness etc, etc

I really don’t know if any of these medications help but I’m a little scared to find out if they don’t.

Sildenafil – I’m often asked about Sildenafil which in normal language is Viagra.
NO it doesn’t make me horny, NO it doesn’t make me want to have sex 24 7.
Considering I haven’t even kissed a guy since Ross, sex definitely hasn’t happened and I’m pretty damn fine with that. Yeah I’m a nun and that’s the way it’s staying.
Sildenafil gives me bad headaches as you know, it opens the blood vessels up. I’m sure any guy that has taken this will know that the headaches can be a bit** and even make you sick. Apart from headaches, I can’t really say anything negative about it.

Does it work?

Not sure, my hands, toes knees, nose and a few other areas still suffer daily attacks from Raynauds Phenomenon, it really hasn’t eased, if anything it’s really bad at the moment. The constant change of weather and the slightest temperature change really plays with my Raynauds and rheumatoid arthritis.

Naftidrofuryl scares me.
Every time I see my doctors/specialist, I’m asked about the side effects and how long I have been taking it.
For some unknown reason no one seems happy about the drug, all they keep saying is it’s dangerous, well take me off it then!!!

Amitriptyline, also isn’t the nicest, it’s great when you first start taking it, you sleep, I mean really sleep. But brain fog triples and it’s hard to hold a conversation, let alone trying to do anything constructive.

Morphine is a god send most of the time and about from the constipation it brings, I really don’t feel any effect from it anymore, I know it’s doing something but I no longer get the eye rolls and instant sleep it use to bring.
The come-downs are the worst thing. If I forget a dose, it’s the worst feeling and the hot sweats and pain are just nasty, it’s like I’m withdrawing and boy I know it.

Hydroxychloroquine, I can’t say I notice anything nasty about this medicine, I’ve been on it a long time now alongside the Viagra, so wouldn’t know how it makes me feel.

Co-codamol, I think most of us may have taken this at one time or another, the worst side effect is once again constipation, which added with the morphine can lead to a compacted bowel, now that is incredibly painful. πŸ˜–

A call out for Jenny

For those of you that are nifty with a crochet hook and have been following Jenny’s story, I’m calling out to you one last time to make Jenny’s dreams come true.

She has one last request, one that makes tears well and trickle down our cheeks.
She would love for you all to send her a crocheted or knitted FLOWER to decorate her coffin. 😒

This post is so hard to write but this girl deserves to have her dying wish come true.

You haven’t got long my lovelies as time is heartbreakingly running out so let’s make this happen for the warrior she is.
She’s fort so long, so hard and it’s devastating that this wee Jenny bird has to take flight and leave this uncanny world at such a young age. (She’s only 18)
She should have a lifetime of memories to make, mischief to causes and hearts to break. Sadly though she is too good for this earth and needs to spread her wings and take flight.

It doesn’t matter how good you are with a hook or needles, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve crafted for.
What matters is your heart and your kindness.
What matters is giving the absolutely gorgeous Jenny the send off she deserves and from what I’ve read, she deserves every piece of kindness and love that you can master.

Please be quick though and send a simple flower 🌺 to show Jenny and her mum Amanda that you care and that kindness and love is still out there.

Flowers are to be sent to :-

Little Box of Crochet,
Atlantic Business Centre,
Atlantic Street,
WA14 5NQ

Please also photographer your flowers and use #aflowerforjenny
So she can see them that way too.


Flashback Friday

Another week is over, and Easter long weekend is here. 🐣
I’m sure we are all buzzing that for most of us work is over and out, for the next few days. Time to spend much-needed time with family and friends, swooping chocolate eggs and Easter greetings.
For me every special holidays remind me of past ones and it saddens my heart at what I have lost and loved over the years. Even though my memories are wonderful and treasured, they hurt me intensely.
With that said it really does brings me joy, watching Marley-Kate’s face alight at egg hunts, picnics and of cause all the chocolate eggs she can dream of.
A smile firmly on our faces and we shout out, colder/hotter as her excitement grows as she looks behind, under, on top, below what ever comes across her path as the children dash to discover how many eggs they can find. The delight in the knowledge that I know she will not be greedy and she’ll share out her finds.
It’s the perfect way to end a pretty good week.
As per the norm, it’s been crazy busy this week.
After an amazing weekend, last week, I’ve been in good spirits and I’ve been determined to keep my mood high. We’ve visited friends and family, we’ve laughed and we’ve cried and slugged our guts out digging, trying our up most to do what we call blue jobs in our garden.
The sun has tried its hardest to warm our aching bones as we’ve sang silly songs while working. Even though we’ve struggled to do everything we wanted to achieve, we both hold pride that we’ve tried, even if we didn’t fully succeed, lol. πŸ˜‚
All in all it’s been a pretty special, smile filled week.

So as we sit down with coffee, hot chocolate, hot cross buns oozing with butter it’s time to reminisce with good old flash back Friday.

I know exactly what post I would like to share with you today after yesterday’s blog post.
So without further ado I’ll wish you all a wonderful Easter and I give you……

What is love. ❀️

What is love ?
Is it just a feeling that can not be put into words ?
Is it sexual attachment ?

For me it’s butterflies in my tummy, it’s feeling that when you with the other person, you feel complete, it’s wanting to spend every minute if possible with them. It’s feeling that you belong. It’s loosing yourself in their eyes, it’s floating on ecstasy, it’s wanting to please the other, it’s putting them before yourself, wanting their happiness above everything else.
It getting lost in each others company and missing hours just because you feel at home and content in each others company.
It’s belonging.
It’s a force of nature, pulling two souls together, them lighting up your world with a single word or smile.
Love is understanding and expecting each others faults.
It’s chemistry, trust, lust and respect rolled into one.
Love is an emotional bond, that you have no control over.
It’s the greatest feeling in the world but also the hardest.
It’s friendship with passion.
It’s two lost souls coming together to make one.

How could it be?

I’ve spent some much-needed time with my truly delightful friend Sammy.
She’s wonderful and makes me laugh constantly, we always have giggle fits and once we start we can’t stop.
It’s just what that doctors ordered.
She can though be very out spoken and say things just how she sees them, it’s not a bad thing but it does make it very hard to be the closed book I have become with all my friends. I adore her for it.
She won’t give up on trying to get me to open up.
It’s constantly……..

“When will you be ready to date?”
“Why are you not angry?”
“Do you think you can love again?”

She’s always trying so hard to fix me up with a friend, an awesome friend of ours.
I know it’s because she cares, that she wants only the best for me, she wants me to be as happy and in love as much as she is.
Now her and her amazing husband have been together for like ever, they have a beautiful family and an even more beautiful relationship/marriage.
I don’t know of any other couples who look at each other the way they do, (well I did, we were like that, the love shown from us.)
It truly warms the soul how connected, how loved, and how humble, Sammy and her husband are, it’s a beautiful thing, a truly beautiful thing.
But boy, she doesn’t give up, wanting that for me. It’s sweet, it really is.

The thing is, how can I ever date again?
My heart, soul and body belong to someone else. That love, those feelings haven’t faded with time and I really can’t see them doing so.
Ok I’m angry, but more than anything I’m hurt, but I gave my heart to him and that means everything in my book.
It means you don’t give up at the hardest hurdle.
It’s not that I want to love him, trust me I really don’t but I can’t hate him either, I’ve tried, I’ve seriously tried to. Yes I have moments when I let the anger get to me but the love I hold so deep within my shattered heart wins over ever time.😑
And that’s why, I can never love again, because I’m already head over heels in love. ❀️
It wouldn’t be fair to, how could it be?


Are goals a good thing?
I’ve set myself a lot of goals this year, in crafts and home improvements.
But right now I don’t seem to be able to get motivated to tick any of them off.
I’m not even sure if it lack of motivation. I just don’t seem to have the time and energy to sit and make anything, which bugs the hell out of me.
I have this long list, nagging away at me, the more it nags, the less I feel inspired to pick up my hook.
When and if I do, my mind turns to the diy jobs that are staring at me, or the sun shines and I day-dream of chilling in the garden with my iPod and hook, sitting snug on my new garden sofa that still sits in boxes. πŸ“¦
Have I by setting goals, caused myself stress overload?
It’s not that I’m that stressed that things just aren’t happening as fast as I would like, it’s more that fact that I feel like I’m failing myself.
I truthfully feel a failure and it’s down to my own doing.
I lay in bed while I wait for sleep to come, I toss and turn as I wind myself up, that I’m useless for not achieving what I would like, for not achieving the goals that I set myself.
If I ditch the lists, I’ve certainly failed myself, if I remove certain goals, I also have failed in some way.
The strange thing is, by fault of my own, I’ve added more and more to my crafty goal list, I’ve started a huge blanket that I just couldn’t resist. It’s a smashing blanket/afghan, or will be.
Pattern parts are realised weekly and even though week 3 will be out tomorrow, I’m still making part 2. I’m kicking myself for already falling behind, I’m already failing myself and that isn’t a nice feeling.
I know it’s not all down to day dreaming or lack of interest, it’s due to a crazy busy few weeks and no time for me time. I know that I’m not all to blame but I still have this nasty sense of failure hanging over me.
Making me question everything I do.
I feel useless, worthless and angry at myself. I don’t want to fail, I want and need to do the best I can, I need to make these bricks and mortar into a home. I need to surround my little girl in warmth and comfort, maybe even give myself a little. She loves the blankets I make her, she try’s to claim every one I make, she comes home from school and asks straight away what I have made that day. It’s important to her and that makes it even more important to me.
Am I failing her when I can’t show her, because I haven’t either had the time or energy to craft?
I feel like I am and that feeling is soul-destroying.

Flashback Friday

It’s Friday, and the start of Easter holidays 🐣, whoop, whoop to that. Happy dance.
It’s been manic here this week and today is just the same, roll on bedtime and freedom.
Freedom to dream, explore, hope, sing, dance like no one is watching or even just chill.
How I love the weekends.
Maybe I will even find time to do a decent blog post, here’s hoping 🀞.
But for now I have to run and get my day over with, in the meantime I will leave you with this weeks flashback.
Enjoy, stay safe,stay positive and stay true.
Have a good one peeps.
Until next time, toodaloo.


imageWe close our eyes when we day-dream….
when we cry….
when we kiss,
because we know the most amazing things in life are not seen but felt by heart.
So smile and have a great day.