Have you?

Have you ever received an email that touched you so deeply, your soul wept?
I have.
On Sunday, I received the most beautiful, touching email, I can’t begin to explain how it touched me, all I know is, it got me on all different levels of emotions. From forbidden tears, to understanding, to just being there at the hardest and most heartbreaking time of the year.
It was like finally someone understood, truly understood.
It was pretty damn amazing and I’m honoured to have had the pleasure of reading it, over and over again.
How I reply to it I don’t know, I’ve tried, really tried but no words are good enough, no amount of Thank you’s can suffice.

The monsters that hid under your bed

Ariana Grande has announced that she is paying for the funerals of the victims of the Manchester attack.
The manager of West Ham has offered both homeless men six months all expenses paid accommodation, and money to help them sort themselves out.
The public has donated thousands of pounds for victims, families, emergency services, and heroic citizens.

This is how we fight terrorism, not with hatred, not with arson attacks on mosques, but by standing strong, supporting strangers, pulling together and staying strong as a nation.
That is why Britain is great. These are not the monsters that hid under your bed as a child, they are cowards driven to murder and suicide. They will not prevail.

This tragic, heartbreaking event has bought a tear to many eyes, but Stephen Jones and Chris Parker were homeless before they were hero’s, surely it doesn’t take being a hero for people to show them the respect they deserve. Remember guys, when you walk past the homeless just remember one day they might be your hero.

Change

2017 another year that is flying by, another year that really doesn’t hold much meaning, it’s just a year of doing the same old, same old but still it’s a year of all our life’s.
It’s already seen to many deaths, too many low moments and not enough high ones.

2017 was the year of possibilities, hopes and goals, it’s the year that I’m trying so hard to stay on top of, the year I try my hardest to recover from the heartbreak that eats slowly but surely away at my soul. It’s the year that I’m determined to heal and it’s the year I decided to make a blanket that records the daily temperature for the year.

Every day, I log the highest temperature and I match that temp to a colour that represents that temperature on my colour chart.
Why I picked this year to do so, I do not know. It’s my cousins 18th year so maybe I will gift it to him.
I’ve already made two of these blankets, one for the two special years in my life, one each for the two most precious little People that have brought me the most love, hope, joy, sadness, fear and heartbreak, each year is their birth year, a row of colour each day of the year. They are very special in their own right and they mean a great deal to me, hopefully Marly will love hers and hold it as dear to her heart as I do.
I guess when I started this years temperature blanket  on the first of January, I had the best intentions for the year.I really wanted this year to be the year that I pull my socks up and start to recover from the pain, the devastation and heartbreak I have lived with for far to long. It’s the year that I hoped I would begin to heal, to find myself again.
It dawned on me though, that I can not and will not ever be the person I was back then, too much pain, torture and heartache has changed me, in ways it’s made me stronger. I no longer self harm, I can no longer cry, even when I need to (that truly sucks royal eggs at times)

I can no longer feel loved as I did back then, and even though I’m loved by my family and friends, it’s not the same as the love that he gave me, that I felt from him, the love that shone so brightly from his soul. I no longer can love the way I loved/love him, because nothing can compare to the love we had for each other, the love that still runs through my veins, my heart and my soul.
So maybe this blanket holds a new meaning, one of understanding, one of clarification, one of love.
Maybe the meaning may change again over the year but right now I’m glad I have found a reason to continue with a year full of colour, a year full of sunshine and showers and a year full of documentation and with each little flower I make, a memory is imbedded and another day is over.

Crojo

So the last few weeks have been about family, chilling out and just staying as stress free as possible.
I have stepped away from my goals, finally got my crojo back and started a secret project. I know I shouldn’t be taking on any more projects but if it works out which I’m not sure it will, in ways I will have ticked off one thing from my goals list, just in a different way.

I picked up my favourite yarn, opened one of my favourite patterns by my all time favourite designer and have spent time creating a piece that I think maybe it hasn’t been done before.
Even though it’s really not looking very special at the moment and I’m in two minds about if it will work, every second of hooking away, has been a pleasure.
Finally yesterday it started to take shape and it could just work.🤔
I’ve only got about 10 rounds to go on this pattern and then I will need to wing it to get to a certain stitch count and if all goes well and I achieve what I’m hoping for, I’ll then incorporate it into one of the most famous patterns to date.
It’s going to be huge, thick, heavy and so very warm and I can’t wait to snuggle up under it, put on Outlander and just take some me time, which really doesn’t happen enough.

For those of you that have watched Outlander, it’s pretty damn good, horrific in parts but well worth a watch and as my bud Brett informs me constantly, it’s full of boobs and sex.
I’ve watched the box set twice already and still feel as I could watch it over and over again. With season three out in September it’s a good time to catch up. Be warned though, there is a very nasty rape scene in it.

Anyway I’m pretty pleased that I’ve managed to have some crafting time and that I’m letting my creativity flow. Even though I create everyday with work, it’s just become the norm and as I am not as involved as much as I was with the overall finished project it’s somehow not the same. So when I’m making a blanket I’m creating my own little masterpiece, my own spin on a beautiful designed, written, tested masterpiece that’s taken months of work to give to us the canvas to create our own.
Hopefully soon I may just have something worth sharing with you, watch this space.
Have an awesome day guys, enjoy the sunshine and let your creativity flow.
See ya 🌹

Flashback Friday

It’s been a while.
Life has been kinda hard over the last few weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time with my mum, which has been special, if only it had been under better circumstances.

I knew something was a miss when I opened the door and my mum and dad were stood there. It’s a long old drive, just to pop in for a coffee.

May seems to alway be an awful month for me, not just me, but mum to. If I could only blink and May and June would be over, sadly that’s not the case, so I’ll just have to face them while being as strong as I can.

So mum tells me that she has her latest MRI results back. My heart sunk right that second and I knew it wasn’t going to be good news, they wouldn’t be sat in my sofa if everything was rosie.
Her brain tumour has grown, not huge amounts but still its larger than it was 3 months ago, the problem is, it’s deep, deep within her brain so it can not be removed. 😢Not only that though but they discover on her scan that a large part of her brain has died and that they believe she has had a stroke.
If you know my mum, you’ll know that is her worst fear, I think it’s most people’s. Mum though is very high risk as her heart no longer pumps on its own and it’s her pacemaker that is keeping her alive, meaning she does not get enough oxygen to her brain. She alway has such high blood pressure that the machines just can not read it.
We as a family have been down this road so many times it’s just seems the norm. With loosing my dear sister to a heart-attack to Marley-Kate having major heart problems and my mum being a ticking time bomb, it’s just become part of everyday life but we have already lived through the heartbreak of loosing Jane and know the danger first hand of what mum and Marly-Kate face everyday.
It’s just sucks and there is nothing we can do but smile and try our up most to get on with life.

The past few weeks, we’ve spent a lot of time just chilling in each others company, not much has been said, just trying to take in the information and being there together through the stress and realisation of how life has to change, how life could change. We’ve sat and snuggled, held hands and just been there, no words were needed, that’s why this weeks flashback is so fitting even though I wrote it a few years ago and it held a total different meaning and was about the love of my life, it really does make sense and fits with the last few weeks of life here.
So without further ado I will wish you a happy long sun filled weekend and I’ll give you this weeks flashback Friday……..
take care my lovelies.

The power of touch, something so special that the world can see but only your can feel. I have never seen the importance of touch and the meaning behind it until about a year ago, when my views were changed and I began to understand how wonderful and powerful a small touch really is.
A small token of a squeeze of the hand when you need support. A stroke of the skin, to know you are wanted. A hug to give either love or support.
In the last few days, I have learn more so, how important these little gestures are. The most important one being the holding of hands, so much can be learnt from this alone.
When a hand is in hand, two bodies become one, you bond on a level, that only the two of you can feel.
You gain acceptance and truth, mixed with hope and love. You are suddenly not alone in the strange universe, you have meaning for existing.
And while I do not know where I am going with this blog or its point or purpose, I know deep within my heart, the words and meaning I am trying to say, and as they get lost before I can find a way to express the feeling that run through my soul and I have no way to explain, what I’m desperately trying to get across, I know right now I’m lost and alone, but I have full understanding that when his hand is in mine that life becomes beautiful all over again, that when he touches my skin, I become alive. When our lips meet, I’m no longer alone.
No words are needed when our two souls exchange the simplest touch. Words lose their meaning and I can feel the gift he is giving me, from one movement alone. I know he loves me. ❤️
So maybe the meaning to this blog, is, to try to say….. Don’t always use words, speak loader than that, for words are just words, it’s what lies in the heart that matters, it’s the touch, the soul and the eyes that will speak volumes on levels that can never be expressed in words.
Hold the one you love, speak though bodies not through words imbedded in you head since birth. There is more to life than speech.
The song posted below even though cheesy, sums it up perfectly.

Have a good day guys, and if you love someone show them.

United We Stand

Waking up this morning to a terrorist attack at a concert in Manchester aimed at primarily teens and the disabled, with 22 dead and 59 injured so far, it absolutely sickens me.
This country needs to pull together and start fighting back now, this shouldn’t just be left until the next one happens.

To all those parents who won’t be able to hug their children and tell them they love them this morning, my heart bleeds for you.
R.I.P

I’m rubbish, I know

I’m rubbish, I know.
I missed Flashback Friday and haven’t post much lately. I’ve got no excuse for Fridays post apart from feeling a tad under the weather but I do have a reason for not posting during the week.

I was trying to sleep and my mind started racing, and before I knew it, I had written a really deep and meaningful blog in my mind.
Every word, every feeling, every emotion was just perfect and extremely meaningful.
I grabbed my iPad and typed in a few notes 📝 so by morning I wouldn’t forget and I could fill these pages with probably the most beautiful post I have written.
Morning comes after a very restless sleep and I awake and my mind is blank. 🤔
Ever since then, I’ve been trying to remember, I’ve tried so hard to get those words, feelings and emotions down on paper. Every one has ended up in the bin, but still it plays on my mind.
I refused myself to write anything until I have mastered that post and still I sit here with a blank page and a swirling mind that can not express the words I need to make it as meaningful and pure as it once was.
It’s bugging the hell out of me. 😡