I’ve often wondered

I’ve often wondered why I can feel so lonely when I’m with a room full of friends.
How can I feel so very alone, even though I never seem to be.
That the world is constant noise and I’m the voice that is lost and drowning out.
How come even though I feel so alone, all I want to do is jump on a jet plane and run away so I can be alone.
Screwed up isn’t it.
But then it clicked!!!
No matter how far I run, no matter how many people I have around me, no matter how loved I am, I’ll never feel unlonely because he’s not here. The better half of myself is not here. My soul mate isn’t here.
In truth I’m not lonely or alone, I’m just incomplete.

One response to “I’ve often wondered”

its about connection, not friendship.

friends are great, friends are fun– friends vary wildly in their relationship to you. the word “friend” has so many meanings– this isnt a bug, its a feature.

when you feel lonely in a room full of friends, its because youre missing the kind of friend you need at that time. youre missing the kind of connection you need at that time.

yes, you can easily name an example.

its important to understand though, an individual, no matter how precious, isnt the only way to feel the connection that makes you not lonely. you need something very special, but youre still convinced you lack that function when he isnt around.

yes, people that complete that are rare. yes, theyre extremely special. they should be appreciated as such.

why do you feel that lack so much? youre depressed, you still long for that person, and (imo) its been too long since youve felt that kind of connection, which supports the “theory” that you wont have it ever again. ok, thats understandable.

its a two way street though. i mean a connection has at least two parts (nodes) that are connected: you and another person. youre wishing you could feel that connection at another node. you have to be functioning as a node, too. you could be missing connections right now.

resist the temptation to think you are broken. whats broken is your heart, and you think it might never heal. the possibility of making a meaningful connection again (whether romantically, or in deeply meaningful friendship) is still there. its not entirely a catch-22 where you need to heal to be able to heal. its a boot process, where you need to at least keep trying to heal, to increase the odds of connections that can heal you.

and dont hold it against your friends– they might not be “run of the mill” or unextraordinary just because theyre not enough to do it by themselves, or just because theyre not enough by themselves. theres still a way forward. ❤

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