Change

2017 another year that is flying by, another year that really doesn’t hold much meaning, it’s just a year of doing the same old, same old but still it’s a year of all our life’s.
It’s already seen to many deaths, too many low moments and not enough high ones.

2017 was the year of possibilities, hopes and goals, it’s the year that I’m trying so hard to stay on top of, the year I try my hardest to recover from the heartbreak that eats slowly but surely away at my soul. It’s the year that I’m determined to heal and it’s the year I decided to make a blanket that records the daily temperature for the year.

Every day, I log the highest temperature and I match that temp to a colour that represents that temperature on my colour chart.
Why I picked this year to do so, I do not know. It’s my cousins 18th year so maybe I will gift it to him.
I’ve already made two of these blankets, one for the two special years in my life, one each for the two most precious little People that have brought me the most love, hope, joy, sadness, fear and heartbreak, each year is their birth year, a row of colour each day of the year. They are very special in their own right and they mean a great deal to me, hopefully Marly will love hers and hold it as dear to her heart as I do.
I guess when I started this years temperature blanket  on the first of January, I had the best intentions for the year.I really wanted this year to be the year that I pull my socks up and start to recover from the pain, the devastation and heartbreak I have lived with for far to long. It’s the year that I hoped I would begin to heal, to find myself again.
It dawned on me though, that I can not and will not ever be the person I was back then, too much pain, torture and heartache has changed me, in ways it’s made me stronger. I no longer self harm, I can no longer cry, even when I need to (that truly sucks royal eggs at times)

I can no longer feel loved as I did back then, and even though I’m loved by my family and friends, it’s not the same as the love that he gave me, that I felt from him, the love that shone so brightly from his soul. I no longer can love the way I loved/love him, because nothing can compare to the love we had for each other, the love that still runs through my veins, my heart and my soul.
So maybe this blanket holds a new meaning, one of understanding, one of clarification, one of love.
Maybe the meaning may change again over the year but right now I’m glad I have found a reason to continue with a year full of colour, a year full of sunshine and showers and a year full of documentation and with each little flower I make, a memory is imbedded and another day is over.

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