Friday’s flashback

This weeks flashback Friday is a little different from normal. This time I’m going to share a little part of an entry from a journal I was writing for Ross.
Every day, I wrote to him, a little of my day, my feelings and just anything that seemed important at that time.
We were separated by miles of ocean and I felt that writing a little piece of my life, my heart and soul to him each day somehow included him, somehow made him feel as part of him was with me. He was my life and soul and this gift of a journal was a little way of giving him part of me, giving him my thoughts, feelings and love that he consumed in every single possible way.
So today I’m going to share part of an entry that I wrote.
You can if you fancy read more of these in my post called snippets.
This one is incredibly special to me, sadly though I never got to share it with him, which makes my heart ache and I can feel the cracks opening that little bit wider, deeper.
So without getting to deep into emotions, that I can’t put into words right now, I give you this weeks flashback.


I found this today and just instantly knew that it is so perfect for the day that we will be saying I do to each other, the day that I become your wife and you become my husband, the day that in the eyes of the law, we become one but more importantly we declare to the world how much we love, adore and treasure each other, the day that we start our adventure as husband and wife, a step closer to growing old together. The day we get to serve pizza to all our family and friends 😋.

❤️“They’re about to say I do. Three little letters, two little words. It’s the simplest part of the day, but there’s nothing simple about the things that will remain unsaid. I do means I do know I could be hurt, but I’m ready to be healed with you. It means I do want to try even when the fear of failure holds me back, and I do not know the future, but I’m ready to be surprised along the way. And I do means I do want your love and I do give you mine and nothing we do will ever be the same because you and I will be doing it all together.” ❤️



Rumours kill

Rumours destroy lives.
They are intentional, cruel, vindictive, brutal, hurtful and damn right nasty.
Before you begin to believe the cold hearted crap that people spread, think twice before believing it or opening your mouth to pass it on, because once you do you are as bad as the person who started the rumours in the first place and with spreading them you play a part of a life being destroyed, not just that life but their family’s and loved one also.
Every rumour cuts deeper than a knife, causing internal damage that can not be seen from the outside, with every twist in the rumour, that blade rips harder, deeper and even more devastating than before.
That one last twist can kill.
Rumours kill.
Think twice before you listen, believe or spread the evil that rumours are, as maybe one day you will be the person on the other side of the lies that are being spread or even worse you will have to live with the consequences of your part of spreading those rumours, damn right lies.


Flashback Friday

It’s FRIDAY, but more importantly it’s Marly-Kate’s birthday. 🎂
Happy Birthday, you’re the light on dark days, the laughter in my belly, the sun on rainy days, you’re my world little lady and mummy loves you more than words can ever say. ❤️
Marly-Kate and I have had a trying road since she came into this world 10 weeks early. We’ve shown strength, determination, and somehow we’ve beat the odds and survived, which we will keep doing, giving the birdie along the way.

In truth the first year was so incredibly hard but more so, scary. Throughout it all she’s shown me so much about life, love, and true determination.
My girl never lets life get her down, she stands tall and proud and gives it her all and even though her heart gives her a run for her money, she won’t let it beat her or get her down, she gives her all and I couldn’t be any prouder of her. She truly is a beautiful spirit with so much light and love to give, she pretty damn amazing.
I would say she’s going to make some extremely lucky guy very happy in the future but that’s not happening at least until she 50+. 😜

So my week, well I don’t want to get into that right now as today is a happy day. I have managed to finally finish a project I’ve been working on and I’m pretty proud of how it turned out. To be totally honest, as I made the last row of stitches, I filled with emotion at all the memories, trails and tribulations that have been stitched into the blanket. It’s been on my lap through, laughter, joy, dark days and sun filled days. It’s funny how those skeins of yarn, have turned into something so meaningful and I would even say beautiful, every square made holds a memory, be it of joy fear or sadness, everyone is special somehow in its own right.
I not to sure where it’s travels will take it now, who it will keep warm on those chilly evenings, who it will wrap up in a hug but I do know that who ever I gift it to will not just been given a blanket but a part of my heart, my life, my memories.

So anyway the hands of time have travel over 168 hours and that means it’s time to rewind those hands and look back to the memories imbedded in these pages, so I’ll wish you a spectacular weekend and leave you with this weeks flashback.
Be happy, be true, be you.


“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea.”

I had the most different weekend, relaxing in away even though I carried out blue work as I call it.
Farming is a blue job for sure, kinda fun though.
Put that aside for the minute as I want to blog about that at a later date.
Yesterday was Marly-Kate’s birthday. I can’t believe she is two already. My little princess is growing up so fast, I hate it. I want to keep her this young forever.
Mk has the best little personality, she is cheeky, happy, and full of life.
She’s into everything. She is delicious in every way.
She never stops smiling unless she needs to sleep and runs rings around me, where she gets her countless energy from is beyond me.
Mk is beautiful to a fault. Her cheekiness along with stubbornness oozes from her. You can’t help but to smile at her even when eating sheep poo and she laughs at you when you tell her no. She such a pickle.
Well for her birthday, I wanted to do something but her main birthday treat will be a day out with Ross, hopefully in the next few weeks but I couldn’t let the day just pass without doing anything.
I had a long drive ahead of me so thought that we would spend the day by the sea half way between home and my dads.
It was a beautiful day, cooler than it has been, so we head off to Lyme Regis, one of my favourite places.
I love this little seaside town.
Marly isn’t a great lover of sand so the first hour was fun to say the least, she just kept climbing back into her buggy.
She wasn’t having any of it, finally though she gave in as she wanted to get to the water.
She loves the sea, she plops herself down on the edge of the water, nappy and all and giggles every time a wave splashes her.
That was her set for the few hours we sat there.
She didn’t move, and just laughed louder and louder.
She was one happy little girl.
I can’t say my bro had such an easy time with his son Mitch though, he was running around everywhere, sand throwing, eating sand and trying to rock climb. He’s a cute little thing, don’t think his mummy and daddy thought so at the time though. No relaxing for them

When it came to crabbing, Marly was scared to death, don’t think we will be doing that again anytime soon.
So back to the beach we go and all laughs again.
All in all, it was a lovely day, one that I hope she will remember.

Shit comes to shove

As I sit wired up to a machine, a large needle in my arm, blood trying to escape my vein, in hopes I will feel a tad better for the next few hours, if I’m lucky, maybe a day or more, I pondering over what life would be like if there was no drama, no emotion, just box standard life. No worries, stresses, just boring everyday life.
It then just clicked that nah that would be extremely dull.
Even though at times I wish for that normal stress free life, I really do think it would bore the shit out of me.
As I sit here and think over the last few weeks of living in hell, I’m not sure if I would have it any other way. Let me rephrase that, take away the pain, the heartache, the unknown, the fear and desperation, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even through it’s been an extremely hard three-weeks, I released that it’s not my drama, not many of them are, but my family, my friends seem to pull me in to theirs, and in true honesty I’m perfectly ok with that.
For some reason they need me, the want my views, my support, but most of all my love.
I have all this love, deep within me, that’s lost because I can’t give it to the one person who it’s meant for, who it belongs to. I guess it’s wasted there, never to be given to the one it’s meant for. I guess when people draw me into their problems, their life’s, their ups and downs, a little of the love must creep out and somehow support them, be there for them.
So no matter how stressful life is, can be and guess always will be, there is a positive in there.
I don’t feel like I’m explaining it well but all I know is that no matter what life throws at you, your friends and family, it’s nice to know that when shit comes to shove they trust and care enough about me, to want my support and that’s a nice feeling, it truly is.

Who am I

Seeing someone you care about in so much emotional torment is extremely heartbreaking and in truth I’m not coping with it as well as I should.
This lad looks to me as his mum, his friend and his guild and I’m struggling to find the right way to help him.
I’ve listened, I’ve cried with him, I’ve said all the right things but still I can’t get him to see reason, he’s still a fragile mix of emotions.
This morning around 5am I lost my cool with him. I said a few home truths that needed to be said, in hope to snap him out of the depression that crushes his normal high spirits.
I wasn’t cruel, I just told him to snap out of it, that life goes on no matter what is happening in our lives. We can’t stop time, we can’t stop rumours, we can only change the way we handle situations.
If only the hands of time would stop and let us heal, if only.

I now feel extremely guilty that I lost my cool and that the tears that welled came streaming down his pained face.
Was I wrong to try to get him to see how cruel the world can be at times and that no matter how broken we are, we just need to solider on through.
Am I wrong to be telling him that life is worth living and fighting for, when most days I struggle myself with that concept, when most mornings I fight with myself to get out of bed and face another day, so lost in grief and heartbreak that I can’t dare to carry on.
Who am I to reassure him when I feel the same as he does.
I guess when you love or care about someone, be it family, friends or a life partner, you have to push your own feelings aside and give them as much strength and support as they need.
I know with Marly-Kate or Ross (when I could) I would go to the ends of the earth to protect, love and support them so without a shadow of a dealt I will do the same for my baby cousin.
I just need to dig a little deeper and find the strength to help him through.





Imagine  credit to ABC123art

Speak out, seek help

Sharing my struggles on these pages has helped massively over the years and I hope you all know I will always return that favour with a shoulder were needed. I may not be great at dealing with my own troubles but I have a listening ear.
What I do want to ask is one thing, if you see anyone else struggling with life in general, depression, addiction etc, be there for them where you can.
There is still a lot of stigma attached to what people go through, and by us all supporting and being there for each other it is the only way people will speak out, and seek help.
If you need help yourself, please share your struggles regardless, it is the only way you will be able to move forward and get better. X x

Old habits

I’ve worked out through the trails and tribulations of life, that I have old habits, ones that have proven extremely hard to break, but I’m getting there. Learning to open up is slow going, the cracks in the ice are visible now and that thanks to this little space of mine and of course all you lovely people who take the time to read my ramblings.
One that is proving hard, is my need to run for the hills when things get unbearable.
I do this thing, I just pack a bag and go, I hide from the world and my worries.
I dislike intensely that I do this, I’m not a child, I can’t play hide anymore, I should stand and face my demons, my thoughts, my emotions.
But still here I am in the middle of the moors, with our weekend bags, puppy at our feet and the space and freedom that these roaming hills bring.
Peace has fallen upon me and I feel connected with the earth.
The beauty and mystery warm my aching bones, the sun lifts my spirit, the breeze gently chases my worries away. Freedom of the mind creeps slowly in and calm begins to take order.

Is it really that I’m running away?
Or is it that I just flee to the place I know brings light and understanding.
The place where judgement doesn’t exist, the place that our screams disappear into silence, the place that words get lost into the sweeping fields never to be altered or twisted.
If this is running away, running has to be a good thing, doesn’t it?

How Marly-Kate and I love to just stand in the openness and shout and scream as loud as we can, letting the worries of life out, as we both fall to our knees we laugh and smile at how silly we must look but our hearts alight as we share in this extra special moment.
To others, maybe it’s running away but to me, it’s also making memories, our own special moments, that no one else will share with us or even begin to understand.
So maybe just maybe running away isn’t running at all, it’s beginning to heal, it’s beginning to breathe, it’s living our way.