Beautiful Rush

There is something so special about who you are and who you come from.

Every moment in history has brought you to where you are now and what you are and have become.
Every soul that traveled this world before you had a part to play in your making and how your spirit came to be.

No matter if you worship your family or want nothing to do with them, they are part of you, your DNA.
To me that is absolutely fascinating.
Knowing very little about my roots, I’m on a mission to discover, how I got to be the person I am now.
Every document discovered, every name unveiled, every location travelled, every love story, every passing all give me an over whelming sense of being.
These names, are not just ink on a census or certificate, they are part of me, they are my blood, my history.
How I love history.
The thrill of discovery, the facts, the stories, the confirmation, all give me a sense of belonging.
Belonging hasn’t played a part of my life until a few years ago, now I have this beautiful rush of dna running through my veins. These names scribbled on forms, are just not names, they are so much more than that. They are family, they are the people who let my life become possible. They are the reason for my being and that is pretty damn incredible.
They send questions that keep me from sleep, they intoxicate my thoughts and make me need to know more.
From graves I’ve hunted, to war records, ship logs, workhouses, house fires, drownings, the trenches in the battle of the Somme, births and deaths at sea and mystery of the Irish ๐Ÿ€ that I still have to uncover. Every day is an adventure and in turn I’m making history for my daughters future daughters and sons and for their future generations.


The ultimate medal

Every little girl has a dream, every little boy also.
Mine was to run and to run fast.
From the moment I could walk, the need for speed took over. My little pin legs would move faster than my body would allow, as I would take my brother down.
The feeling of pride, excitement and joy flooded my soul, with every street race, every race to the water’s edge, every sports day, I needed and wanted to win, and as I grow the love for that feeling grow even stronger. The love for the wind against my face, the screams of joy, hopes and fears from my family on the sidelines, the sense of accomplishment, achievement and pride as I flew over the finish line.
The anticipation, the silence, the adrenaline as I waited for the roar of the starting gun.
I was made for this, for every simple thing about it.
I craved, giving it my all, I craved everything about being on the track.
I was good, really good and I strongly believe it was calling.
Life though took me down many different roads, many I wish it hadn’t but all the while that passion never died, sadly my capability for speed got lost along the way and the dream become something that made my heart ache and gave me a gut punch of failure.
What if I had tried harder to say on course, what if I had shown the birdie to life and had the determination to fight for what I truly wanted?
I had the skill, I had the fitness, I had everything in the palms of my hands and I let it slip away.
What if I hadn’t?
Where would I be now?
Would I be happy or would I have different what if’s?

Life is full of the what if’s, regret and disappointments in oneself’s achievements and I think giving up on that dream was my biggest failing.
How different my life would have been, so very, very different.
All the while, while I’ve been sat here, badly pouring out my failings, my hopes and dreams, I know deep within my soul, that no matter how angry I get at myself, how very disappointed I am at my life’s choices, I have and once had a few wonderful things in my life, which I wouldn’t have had if I followed that dream and I’m pretty damn content knowing that I have this beautiful bundle of joy across from me, licking her jam off her toast and I know I’m the luckiest person alive because without that failure, without that crosswords, I wouldn’t have her smiling back at me.
I won the race and got the ultimate medal ๐Ÿฅ‡
I won Gold.



It’s Friday

It’s been a funny old week.
After an amazing weekend where dreams came true, a funny feeling in my tummy that I haven’t felt for so very long, smiles, laughs and good times, the weekend was just damn right awesome.
Returning home on cloud nine and a new week ahead of me, I had loads to do, but ended up getting very little done.
Failing at a challenge that I had set myself, I gave up and moved on to a different one but I will not be beat on the first, I’m just having a little break from the one challenge that had me close to throwing things across the room.
I was so glad when I was given a distraction by being ask to do some research.
Omg, I had forgotten how wonderful that feeling was, when finding a tiny piece of history.
I grabbed my hard drive, and panic hit me, years, I mean years of research, long nights and days spent hunting for my history, my DNA, had almost disappeared. My heart sank and in truth tears followed.
Part of my past had gone, years of trying to find myself through census, birth, marriage and death records had disappeared from my hard drive. God damn computers I hate them some times. ๐Ÿ˜ค
I had spent my early 20’s trying to research my family history, in hopes I would find myself.
I never knew who my father was and I felt lost in that knowledge. I always felt different to my sister and brother and I had an overwhelming need to somehow fit in.
Years of research gave me something that I can not explain, the knowledge of knowing, names, places, jobs, births, marriages even the deaths, gave me a connection that I had never truly felt. No one else in my family knew the ins and outs of our history and I know an incredible amount. I even managed to memorize a lot of it, which if you know me, you’ll know that, that doesn’t come easy to me.
Anyway back to it, hours and hours later, I managed to pull a lot of information back, and I once again began to delve into my history and boy, haven’t I had fun.
I’ve even made a start on my blood dads side which I never thought I would have the opportunity to do. And even though, its extremely testing and a maze of roads travelled, it’s intoxicating.
What makes it even better, I’ve even managed to get an app that syncs everything, so while I sit wired to a machine, I can get lost in the history of life.
So my week has been full of extreme highs and gut wrenching lows but still a smile is firmly in place and I’m happy with life and the joys that it can bring.
I know that we need the bad days to make the good days even brighter and that also, the heart may not heal but still the hands of time keep ticking and life has to go on, we all have to make our own history and as I type away, I’m doing that and that makes me kind of proud.
I haven’t won the war of heartbreak but I refuse to let it take me any deeper or darker, I’m holding on with all I have and there is a glimmer of light somewhere out there and that’s all I need right now to keep me from letting go.
After all if you’re not living just a little, then you’re not making memories and in turn making history.

Flashback Friday

It’s Friday!!!

and the start of an exciting weekend, where dreams really do come true.

Omg, I can’t believe tomorrow I will be living out a childhood dream and I’m so flipping excited,ย ย I could scream. ย ๐Ÿ˜Š

With that said I’m going to end this one short and leave you with this weeks trip down memory lane.

Funny enough, it just happens to be about dreams.

so without further ado I wish you an awesome weekend. Stay safe, happy and true.

Much luv


Every so often I am shown that giving up on a dream I lived for, doesn’t have to be a huge mistake.
Once again I have been shown I could have this dream but I now see that, what I have now in my life, my daughter, my amazing other half and love and support from my friends and growing family is much more rewarding and fills my heart with much more light and love than what I ever could have had if I had followed that dream.
Sometimes giving up on a dream may feel wrong and you may regret your choice, but you wouldn’t be where you are today or even who you are today with out that.
Today I am happy with my choices and thankful for the life I have lived because it has brought me to now, a time of new beginnings, hopes and dreams and a love that grows every second of everyday.
Right now my life is pretty perfect.

The smallest pleasures

Sometimes, we put too much passion on the biggest dreams and priorities in life that we fail to love the smallest pleasures from simple things. We search so much for the right choices, for the right paths to walk through, for the right time and for the right reasons.
But life isnโ€™t about searching for the things that can be found. It is about letting the unexpected happen and finding things you never searched for.

Pat on the back.

I look at some people’s life’s and think, “What an absolute inspiration you are”.
I look at what they do day-to-day, I look at what they do to better their life and others and what they’re doing to pursue their dreams and goals.
There can be a lot of negativity on social media at times… Slagging someone off, name calling and little digs at people because they’re not happy with something.
But when you look past the negative and actually see the positive in people… Single parents working a 9 hour shift to go home, cook, clean, bath their child then finally get to bed to do it all again the next day. Those in various careers doing absolutely whatever it takes to get that little bit further to achieve their dreams, someone passing exams, driving test, promotion at work, engagements, marriage, paying off debts or saving like crazy for that long-awaited holiday, etc, etc.

You people deserve a pat on the back because it’s not easy. Not at all but you’re doing what you need to do to be happy or make someone else happy. You won’t see it but you people are who other people look up to. Even those looking up to you don’t know they’re doing it but they are.
Keep doing what you’re doing because it’s people like you the world needs more of.
Make a difference.

The older we get

The older we get the harder life becomes.
We love less, hurt longer, miss more, ache for loved ones lost, worry more about our children and there futures and we keep it all bottled up. Why?
Because we believe everyone else has bigger problems and issues, that are more important than our own.
Just always remember any issue or problem is an issue or a problem halved, so don’t be ashamed to talk and get it off your chest.
We all hurt.
We are all human, and it can only take a blink for us all to wear someone else’s shoes and give them the support that they need.