It’s been a funny old week.
After an amazing weekend where dreams came true, a funny feeling in my tummy that I haven’t felt for so very long, smiles, laughs and good times, the weekend was just damn right awesome.
Returning home on cloud nine and a new week ahead of me, I had loads to do, but ended up getting very little done.
Failing at a challenge that I had set myself, I gave up and moved on to a different one but I will not be beat on the first, I’m just having a little break from the one challenge that had me close to throwing things across the room.
I was so glad when I was given a distraction by being ask to do some research.
Omg, I had forgotten how wonderful that feeling was, when finding a tiny piece of history.
I grabbed my hard drive, and panic hit me, years, I mean years of research, long nights and days spent hunting for my history, my DNA, had almost disappeared. My heart sank and in truth tears followed.
Part of my past had gone, years of trying to find myself through census, birth, marriage and death records had disappeared from my hard drive. God damn computers I hate them some times. 😤
I had spent my early 20’s trying to research my family history, in hopes I would find myself.
I never knew who my father was and I felt lost in that knowledge. I always felt different to my sister and brother and I had an overwhelming need to somehow fit in.
Years of research gave me something that I can not explain, the knowledge of knowing, names, places, jobs, births, marriages even the deaths, gave me a connection that I had never truly felt. No one else in my family knew the ins and outs of our history and I know an incredible amount. I even managed to memorize a lot of it, which if you know me, you’ll know that, that doesn’t come easy to me.
Anyway back to it, hours and hours later, I managed to pull a lot of information back, and I once again began to delve into my history and boy, haven’t I had fun.
I’ve even made a start on my blood dads side which I never thought I would have the opportunity to do. And even though, its extremely testing and a maze of roads travelled, it’s intoxicating.
What makes it even better, I’ve even managed to get an app that syncs everything, so while I sit wired to a machine, I can get lost in the history of life.
So my week has been full of extreme highs and gut wrenching lows but still a smile is firmly in place and I’m happy with life and the joys that it can bring.
I know that we need the bad days to make the good days even brighter and that also, the heart may not heal but still the hands of time keep ticking and life has to go on, we all have to make our own history and as I type away, I’m doing that and that makes me kind of proud.
I haven’t won the war of heartbreak but I refuse to let it take me any deeper or darker, I’m holding on with all I have and there is a glimmer of light somewhere out there and that’s all I need right now to keep me from letting go.
After all if you’re not living just a little, then you’re not making memories and in turn making history.