Random thought of
It really was that simple!
I was the luckiest girl in the world,
with a love so strong
Random thought of
It really was that simple!
I was the luckiest girl in the world,
with a love so strong
Days blend into one another, with no clue to which day of the week it is until Marly-Kate jumps uncontrollably up and down at the prospect of the weekend.
I’ve one very excited little lady willing no school and the freedom that the weekend brings her.
The last two weeks have been hard ones as the weather has changed and my body seems to have gone into shock as autumn chills my bones to core.
How I use to love autumn and winter, winter was by far my favourite time of the year.
Roaring fires, soft snuggly blankets, hot chocolate with all the trimmings 🍫 over sized hoodies, chunky socks, movie days, the crackle of frost under your feet, clear sky’s showing the winter sun in all its glory, moonlit starry sky’s, are just a few of winters pleasures.
Now those colder months bring fear, as well as bad health, constant pain and sleep deprived nights.
How I already long to feel warm even though autumn has only just joined us.
My last few weeks I’ve spent way to much time at the hospital either at appointments with consultants, X-rays, MRI’S, blood tests, infusions, venesection, just to name a few, then straight to bed with a hot water bottle, pain killers and extra blankets.
Sleep seems an impossibility even though my body is screaming at me to rest.
I feel, while I let my body try to heal I’m wasting my life away. It’s a no win situation that I so wish I didn’t have to deal with.
Thank goodness for Sammy, Rich and Brett, they have all been pretty amazing over the last few weeks.
I really don’t know where I would be without them.
On an up not, I actually managed to spend the day yesterday in my happy zone, I battled the elements, wrapped up warm and spend a great day, looking through census’, parish records, reliving history in my mind. We accomplished lots and answered the unanswerable questions that come with family stories that have been twisted and turned over the years and I feel pretty damn proud of myself right now. I rock at this research shit.😝
I also finished a project that I’ve worked on for months and its beautiful. The pride I felt as I made that last stitch, weaved in the ends and wrapped this huge blanket around myself.
I can’t believed I made it, I actually made something so beautiful that anyone would be frightened to use it. And what makes it even more special it’s big another for Marly and Me to both snuggle under and still room for another.
I don’t often find myself feeling pride, it’s always a case of “I could have done better” but I really wholeheartedly feel pride run through every inch of my being when I look at it. I really can’t believe these sore, ice-cold hands stitched every stitch. I’m over the moon with it, truly I am.
Hopefully Marly one day will pass it down to her children and her children’s children. Not that she is allowed to even talk to guys until she’s at least in her 30s.😂
Marly is still struggling with going to school, which breaks my heart, but the law is law and she has to go until I can work out if home schooling is the best foot forward.
I’m torn, totally torn on what is the best way forward. How can I teach her when some days, ok most days, I muddle my words and make no sense to myself let alone others? Along side that my brain will not remember facts, figures and information that she will need to grow her education.
Ask me anything about a time, a place, a memory in my life and I will remember the smallest simplest details. Memories are not a problem, my brain stores them instead of educational facts, which can be a bitch as I love knowledge, I love to learn. I think I’ll blame my meds and a constant morphine state of mind, lol. (I have to laugh it off or it will grind me down)
So anyway another week is over and the weekend is just out of reach and that means one thing, it’s time to take a little trip down memory lane with this weeks flashback.
So I’ll wish you good health, happiness and a free spirit and leave you until next time.
Stay safe, stay true, stay you.
Shimmer and Shine.
You are like a building with stained-glass windows.
You always shimmer and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in your true magnificence is revealed only if there is light shining from within you.
It’s your duty, and yours alone, to keep your inner light shining bright. So learn to love yourself first. Loving yourself does not mean being selfish and narcissistic, or disregarding others. Rather, it means welcoming yourself as the most honoured guest in your own heart and mind…a guest worthy of extra care and respect. Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it. That’s a great start.
As I sit here wired up to a machine and blood slowly, definitely not surely twinkling out my arm, I’ve started to think about the effect lupus has on my life.
One thing is for sure it’s a royal pain in my ass.
It’s not the pain that gets to me the most, not even the exhaustion but the other ways it changes ones life.
The brain fog is a massive problem, the constant medicated state grinds on me probably more than it should. If those few things are not already enough to deal with, add in the hours and hours that I sit in this chair either having venesections, like I’m having today or the 8-10 hours of infusions which are a 5 day course.
They bring their own amount of stress, pain and the most awful headaches I’ve ever encountered.
The hours and hours I’ve lost from actually living isn’t even worth thinking about, I think I would walk out and never return if I let myself count how many days even months I’ve lost due to them.
Then add in the god damn butterfly rash that has haunted me all my life, the bullying I’ve dealt with, the tears I’ve cried and all the makeup I’ve gone through in hopes of covering it up, which then leads to rashes and irritation. I truly dislike having to wear makeup and now I only do, if I really have to, I will wear a little, in hopes of a miracle, that my face won’t glow.
Of late I’ve had to deal with the hair loss, the handfuls that come out in the shower, or I wake and my pillow is looking more like a cat than a white pillow case.
Then comes the weight loss or gain, this drives me mad, it’s not that I’m vain, I’m far from that, take me as I am or not at all. It’s the comments of “You are so thin” or “oh my you’ve put on weight” not that I ever go above a UK size 12 but when I’m sometime a very small 6, that’s a big gain.
There really isn’t much point even making the most of it and shopping until my heart’s content, as my sister in law would do, I’m to exhausted for that and I’ve never been a great lover of shopping.
Clothes also hurt so it’s extremely difficult to find something that doesn’t make me look like I’m from the workhouse, I’m pretty happy in my hippy clothes, I was born to be a hippy. My height really doesn’t help when it comes to clothing, I’m a short ass so clothes are already limited.
My confidence has taken a massive down hill spiral, I get very panicked when I’m not sure where I am or who’s walking too close behind me. Be it the meds or the lupus, I don’t know but it’s a mother of all bit..es. I won’t let it beat me down though, I have to try to do as much as I can because I have one little lady relying on me.
The thing that gets to me the most, is the lack of understanding, the lack of knowledge, hence why I’m trying to explain a little of what it’s like, not to rant or moan but in hopes of educating.
With all the said, I’m happy, I’m breathing and one day hopefully there will be a cure, here’s hoping. 🤞
Anyway my time sat in this chair is almost up so I’ll wish you a good day and hope to see you back here soon.
Have a good one.
We are more than half way through the year, time has no mercy and the year is fading fast.
I thought it was a good time to revisit my crafting goals, not really the best idea as even though I have accomplished quite a lot, I’m nowhere near completing my always growing list of goals. It may just be the fact that I keep getting side tracked and adding to it.
Maybe lists are not the best thing when it comes to creating, isn’t it all about the freedom of art, doing what takes your fancy, doing what makes your creative energy flow.
Well I’m pretty good at giving in to a pattern that jumps off the page, calling my name, over and over until my willpower crumbles as I rush to find the perfect yarn, the right size hook and a little time to make the instructions come alive in front of my eyes. 👀
You maybe able to see that I’ve been rather good at letting those intriguing patterns win.
In turn my goal list has doubled in size and I’m nowhere near completing my goals, I’m giving it a good shot though. 😝
Will I get all ticked off?
What do think, will I crack it or will I fail miserably?
My crafting goals for 2017.
Faith’s blanket – Aster. 👍🏻
Cassie – black and white Aster 👍🏻
Mint coffee Mandala cushion for my room 👍🏻
Sam’s blanket – Carousel Blanket. (Wip)
Marly-Kate’s blanket – Nuts about squares (wip) 👍🏻
Two Aster blankets which are orders.
Cable blanket (wip)
Finish mum’s two blankets – granny squares 👍🏻 and mandala madness.
Sophie loves Lillia Bjorn winter blanket – Scheepjes garnet, moon stone, Corundum Rudy, Crystal Quartz, Enstatite, Tourmaline and smokey quartz. (Wip)
Sophie Universe with a twist – Scheepjes crystal quartz.
Sunny Mandala cushion – mixed colours 👍🏻
Stardust Melodies cal Afghan – scheepjes softfun in Ecru – for Rich. 👍🏻
A day at the grand bazaar (black and white). 👍🏻
Atlanticus- greens and blues . 👍🏻
Labyinth Mandala Pillow – Scheepjes stonewashed in Black Onyx and Crystal Quartz.
4 cushions – Spanish Mandala (one side), Mint coffee Mandala extended (other side) – (wip)
Mandala number 5 wall hanging. For hoggers 👍🏻
Celtic cushions – for Rich 👍🏻
I’m not sure if I have shared this before, I think I must have, I feel the need to share it again, with two suicides in the last month, friends that are struggling and the winter months ahead that seems to bring with darker moods, I really do feel like I should share a little of my journey. Hopefully it may at least help someone, anyone who feels lost, alone and scared of the emotional torment they are facing.
There comes a time in one’s life that no matter how happy you are, how good you feel and you have the world in your hands, Darkness takes over.
Not to long ago my life was turned upside down by postnatal depression and panic disorder. Lucky now I have mostly beat my battle against these illnesses.
But if my words can help just one person to over come depression and find the strength to fight, know they are not the only ones who are going through this, that you will come through it, I don’t mind putting it out there for the world to see.
Looking back now, I see that my own pain caused many others to feel pain to, and even though at the time, I could only see my own, I am deeply sorry for any distress I have caused. I never meant to hurt any one.
Life was on a good roll when depression hit for no reason, there was not a single trigger, I guess I had been strong for too long and been isolated and out of socialization for many months and when it came to the crunch of getting back out into the world, I couldn’t master the strength to face it.
I will never understand why I fall so deep and I let the darkness take over my life, why I hurt and cut myself. All I knew at the time was every cut let out the darkness, every physical pain, took away the emotional pain that filled my body.
Getting help is one of the hardest things to do. But trust me, it has to be done. I swear that without the support of my absolutely gorgeous, kind, caring, loving other half, my family and friends, I would not be here today. Yes it got that bad that all I wanted to do was end my life.
I see now that life is worth living and the fight to Live is worth it.
Nothing is that bad you can’t carry on. You will always find the strength to battle on.
And if in dealt look at you friends, family and see the pain in their eyes and remember that if you leave them that even though your pain my be gone, you have left many with heartache and loss.
Can you really do that to the people you love ?
Talk to your closest friend or your family, tell them how you are feeling and they will help you through.
True friends will always be there for you no matter what and as I learnt through the bad times you soon find out who cares and who doesn’t. And even though this adds to the depression, it is a good thing, you will see people walk away but you have learnt a true lesson about friends and what you have left is the valve of friendship, you have no more snakes in the grass.
My advise to you, is to talk.
Talk is the key, even if that is talking to a stranger, also listen to their advise.
Happy pills may be the answer to. I always disagreed with those until I was made to take them.
They put my in a bubble which helped me get through the day.
So in a way they saved me to.
When in dealt about yourself, grab yourself a pen and paper and write two lists,
one of what good you bring to others and the world and the other what you think your faults are.
9 out of 10 your first list will win. You can even do this with friends and you will watch that list grow.
The main key is to believe in yourself. Stand tall and grab the darkness by the balls and say NO MORE.
Hold on and life will once again look beautiful to you.
Live, love and learn.
Isn’t that what life is for ?
Enjoy the ride with its ups and downs and remember to laugh and smile, because these two things are soul savers.
Nothing beats laughter.
My final advise to you all is, that when you see a status on here that seems depressed please think twice before calling that person crazy or thinking they are just wanting attention. That person could really need your help. Be a mate and take two minutes out your day and show them your there. I’m sure at some point in your blissful lives you will need a friend to. Be a friend yourself as you could save a life.
If you have been keeping up with this blog, you’ll know that I’ve been asked to research someone’s family history, well that’s where I need a little help.
It’s not that I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing, I do, I ran my own research business back in the day and have researched a fair amount of trees.
It’s like s drug, when you start you can not walk away without being dragged.
It’s an addiction for sure.
Anyway, I’m doing pretty well, I’ve got back to the 1500’s on one line and smashed the others, it’s looking good if I do say so myself. (we all deserve a little self praise every now and then)
One line is proving to be a headache and if you know anything about family research the one word will explain why.
So we have this Irish family who packed up their life’s, their homes and everything they’ve known. They left the potato famine behind them.
One travelled much further than the rest and headed of to the states.
Can you imagine the fear, the excitement, he must have been feeling, what an adventure he was on.
Why he decided to travel so far, we will never know. Why he returned back to the UK, I have a better understanding of, bless his heart, he had definitely lived through it.
At present I can not find a ship log or an documents confirming his move to the states, Canada was his port of call. While he was there, I know he married and had two boys, who I know joined the forces and fort in the Second World War which took both their lives. They died alone, in a foreign country which was a stranger to them. Their body’s were laid to rest in foreign soul. (That’s kind of heartbreaking)
Their mother died and their father returned to England and he went on to marry and live a full happy life.
So this is where I need a little help.
With all the documents I can access, I can’t look into the American/Canadian records.😩
Well I can but I would need a lotto win to be able to.
So can you gorgeous Americans get to records easily without costing the earth?
Would any of my American friends, like to give me an hour of their precious time and have a look to see if they can find anything, which may open up a new lead???
I know it’s a lot to ask, but trust me I wouldn’t be asking if I really didn’t need the help.
My mind races with the unknown and it’s driving me mad, I need to know what happened to this Irish gent who had his life torn apart, who lost the love of his life and his family.
He went through so much and his life story is lost.
I have this overpowering need to find it.
If you are interested at all in helping me patch this beautiful heartbreaking story together, please get in touch, I’ll be eternally grateful to you.
Update – while watching Rich in the Great North run yesterday I finally managed to find his ship log back to the UK. My excitement was a tad full on, lol 😂 but boy wasn’t I more than a little chuffed.
Can wait to find time to see what doors that opens.
This week has been a roller coaster of ups, downs, smiles, frown, tears and joy.
In all honesty it’s been emotionally hard.
Watching my daughter break her heart, morning after morning as I leave her at school, it is incredibly hard.
The first day, I found it impossible to leave her, her heart was breaking as tears fall, her breathing changed as she got herself more and more into a state which she wasn’t coming back from. It’s every mothers nightmare.
How I wish she loved school, how I wish she would go off skipping and full of sunshine that normally is in full swing.
It’s not the fact that she hates to learn or even finds it difficult, she loves to learn, we spend hours, upon hours watching documentaries, reading books, sitting in the library, strolling the internet, learning about anything and everything, she truly loves knowledge.
So what is it that makes her scared of her own shadow, when we enter those school gates?
Should I home school?
Do I have the knowledge and understanding to give her everything she needs to be the best she is capable of being?
I don’t want to hold her back, I want her to be happy and conquer the world the best way she can.
Where would I even start, when it comes to home schooling?
On top of that, I’m in a middle of a flare that has me absolutely exhausted, fighting every minute to stay awake, add to that, a dear friend of mine is struggling and all I want to do is make it better. I feel so very useless, I wish I had the right words, anything to make it better, I don’t and it’s a hard pill to swallow.
The last month, I’ve been to two funerals of victims of depression, that sadly they couldn’t find the strength to hold on and fight to see a glimpse of hope. It’s so very sad, to know these two beautiful young souls, felt so alone in the world that they couldn’t share their troubles, their emotions and their fears.
One thought a rope was the answer, the other a cocktail of pills. Even though they are at peace, they have left a massive hole in people’s life, they’ve left despair, numbness, guilt and broken hearts behind them.
It really is soul wreaking but I understand their pain, their darkness, I’ve been there more than once, more times than I wish to count, I tried, I failed and failed again.
I just wish that when people are so low, when they can not see any other way out, that they could just open up a little, trust a little and hope a little.
Life can change in a blink of an eye, happiness can warm, love can intoxicate and life can be magical.
The dark days, are to show you how wonderful the good days are and even though it’s a cruel way of showing us all what life is about, the great days, the heart skipping moments are a trillion times worth the blackest moments.
With that said I will leave you with a walk down memory land and give you this weeks flashback….. Turning tables.
Have a great weekend, find that smile, dance in the rain, free your soul of its worries and sing as badly as possible, enjoy those little moments.
Funny how life twists and turns.
Living through the highs and lows can be exhausting at times, but I have now learnt that the highs are so worth the lows and when excitement and joy take over your day, everything is beautiful, full of colour and wonder and that light at the end of the tunnel is in my hands glowing brightly.
I don’t know what to call this feeling but I know why and who has given my this incredible happiness.
Why I see life as a gift instead of a battle.
It all started with a new friendship that grow into something so special no other can compare. That friendship then fall into love, an over powering love that takes over my world and gives me the energy to flight any darkness that try’s to destroy my light.
With this love, I have learnt to see the goodness and the light that surrounds me.
Life now is worth living, it’s a blessing and an adventure that I wish to share with my soul mate, the guy who changed my life for the better.
Who gave me strength and hope. He gave me life and I’m finally living
Random thought of the day.
You don’t always need a plan.
Sometimes you just need to
and see what happens.
Why is it some mornings you wake up and just feel blurrrrr.
Today is one of those days.
I woke from a strange dream, feeling a tad pissed off and instantly wanted to cry.
Nothing is wrong apart from all the devastation that going on in the world.
I’m pretty happy and was looking forward to the last day at home with Marly-Kate.
So I drag myself down the stairs, make coffee and sit in peace and quiet while flicking through my favourite websites, making the most of me time before music blasts from my cousins room or Marly wakes and wants to cook her own breakfast. 🍳
Still feeling out of sorts, I stumbled across a devastating photo of the forest fires in Montana.
Fear rushed through me, not knowing if my uncle, aunt and cousin are safe. (Thankfully they are) but still my heart is heavy. This world, this beautiful world is under attack from the elements and my heart bleeds for all the families that have lost so much.
I know belongings mean nothing but I can’t help but think of the memories that have gone up in smoke or destroyed by the floods. How do you ever replace those photo albums, those memories. It heavily pulls at my heartstrings.
So while I woke feeling, I don’t know what, I’ve no reason to. Life is precious and I’m sat drinking coffee when other are loosing everything they’ve known.
I know one thing for sure right now, I will definitely be practicing our fire album escape today. You know they say you only have two to three minutes to get out. That’s terrifying.
Do you know how you would?
It is so worth having a plan, it could save life’s after all.
And even though it unsettles Mars every time we practice, it has to be done.
So as I try extra hard to shift this mood and lighten this dull, grey, wet day my thoughts are with all of you that have troubles, and I wish my wonderful American friends, all the sunshine, light and strength they need.
Stay safe guys and have a great day.
Summer days and the living is easy, smash, bam, with a blink of an eye you’ve missed it.
New, washed, ironed uniform is at the ready, school bags packed and a lunch box waiting to fill with carrot sticks, and all things healthy (school rules suck).
The rain starts creepy back in, as do the darker evenings and the mornings somehow seem cozier, so much harder to drag our ass’s out of bed.
Alarm clocks placed over the opposite side of the room, saving it from the fate of being launch across the room when it rudely makes you jump out of your skin with its high pitch squeal also making it impossible to hit that much-loved snooze button that I’m sure we all favour.
How we hate that little invention that was made for one purpose………to torture.
Smiles disappear, replaced with frowning and uncontrollable sobbing 😭 even the occasional stamping of feet, not just from the little girl who will looks incredibly smart in her pure white shirt, shiny black shoes but also from mum who wants one extra cup of coffee before dragging herself out the door and doing that dreaded school run, full of judgment, stuck up mothers with faces full of makeup and the perfect hair while you try desperately to fix your jeans so your pj’s that are creeping further up your butt cheeks don’t give away that you rushed out the door without removing those normally every so comfy pj bottoms.
Then comes that ear piecing ring of the bell 🔔, a stampede of running children tripping over each other to be the first inline, a hard tug of the jeans that risks exposing those pjs, as tears begin to flow uncomfortably, making it look as if you’ve forgotten that tanner lady 😜 as your darling perfect child try’s her up most to hide behind you, holding on for dear life.
Please wake me up when September ends!!!