Emotionally

Today I stepped back in time as we splashed in muddy puddles, played poo sticks, ran as fast as we could to find the perfect hiding place, giggling uncontrollably until our laughter gave us away, made a rope swing over the newly fast flowing river and let excitement of youth overcome us.
It was refreshing and just what I needed to blow the cobwebs away. Freedom is such a beautiful feeling that comes not often enough. It really did feel amazing to laugh as we had once had before adulthood took hold.
Until…..
It was my trillionth turn on the rope swing, pushing harder and higher than I had dared to before, as I lost control and felt myself beginning to fall.
Rich, bless him, jumped into the water hoping to break my fall. His hand came to mine and without even realising it, my body froze and withdrew, landing in the freezing cold water below. As Marly-Kate, screeched with delight, clapping her hands for all her worth, time slowed to nearly a stop as I watched Rich hand come towards mine and faster than light retreat.
Pain washed over his face, as he turned and retreated out the water as fast as he could.
Those few seconds lasted in my mind a billion hours, as that deep gut punch hit me.
When did I fear human touch so much, that I would put fear into a friend whom only wanted to help me? Would it have been that bad for me to take his hand and let him help me out of the ice-cold water.
Why am I so weak that I can’t see that my hang ups, hurt the few people I care about.
Touch, especially hand holding, to me is extremely personal and ever since I was with Ross, I haven’t been able to let anyone touch me, even a hug from my mum, I pull away. If my hand is touched, I pull away without even thinking about it.
I know that no one can ever make me feel how Ross made me feel, no one ever could even come close, to how it felt when any part of our bodies touched, I can’t even begin to try to explain it, we just fitted, even melted together.
I have never felt anything like it and I never will or want to feel that with anyone else, it’s just not possible anyway.
But still I can’t stand for anyone, I seriously mean anyone to told my hand, comfort me, care for me.
And I’m deeply sorry for that, I’m sorry if I hurt you Rich, I’m sorry that you felt that you had to turn from me so I you wouldn’t have to feel the rejection that we both knew would follow.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m so emotionally scarred, I can’t even let one of my closest most loyal friend lend me a hand.

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