I would give

Today has to be one of the hardest days of the year.
Not only is it Ross’s Birthday but my good friend Porters also.
I never knew how extremely hard it was not to be able to say the two words most of us take for granted.
I would give anything just to be able to wish them both a Happy Birthday.

If only I had the worry of having to spilt my time to spend time with them both, like I once thought I may have to. In honest truth, it would have been an easy pick, Ross would have won hands down but still it doesn’t mean that I didn’t worship my friendship with Porter, because I truly did, my heart belongs to Ross, that’s all.
Porter was my best friend for years, he was there for me through thick and thin and I will be eternally grateful to him.
Even though I can’t say those two little words to both of them, I hope that Porters spirit, where ever he may be, be it heaven or wherever, can hear them.
As for Ross, I would cut off my right arm to be able to but as I can’t I guess I’ll just have a say them to the air and hope that the breeze carry’s them.

They are created

Random thought of the day –

The most beautiful people we know are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, and have found their way out of the depths. They have an understanding of life that fills them with compassion. Beautiful people don’t just happen,
they are created
through hardship.

And now we’re really cooking with gas.

There’s nothing quite like sitting around with friends having great conversations over a delicious meal. Add some wine or beer (because we’re fancy like that) and now we’re really cooking with gas.

There is something special about sitting around the table to eat the meal you have just slaved away at for hours so you can fill you friends and family’s tummy’s.
Every week we make a point of all getting together for a good old feast, a chinwag and what every drink tickles your fancy.
We’ve been doing this since I returned from Paris and I have to say it’s probably the best day of the week for Marly-Kate and I.
Marly-Kate loves having everyone around, they all give her so much love, attention and time, to her they are her family.
That’s the main reason we started our feast night, so Marly-Kate could get a sense of what family life feels like.
As it just her and me and of course my baby cousin, it’s so easy just to slump in front of the tv with your dinner on your lap. I don’t want that for her, I want her to feel how dinner time should really feel.
The conversation, the smell of homemade food, the smiles, the laughter, the warm feeling that you get when all the family comes together, I want her to experience that and to hold warm memories.
Also when we get to eat good old dominos while chilling in-front of the tv, it’s special in its own way. 🍕

Though our family is spread over thousands of miles from Devon to Paris to Spain it’s not always easy to show her what family really means, that’s why feast night is so very important.
She understands that family isn’t all about blood, that it’s about the people who are never far from your side, it’s about the people who are there through the good and the bad, it’s about friendship, respect and love.
Family to us is coming together and enjoying a good meal not forced by blood but because we actually want to spend time together.

The past beats inside of me like a second heart

Memories are beautiful, making them is even more spectacular.

After a fun-filled weekend with the best of friends, way too much alcohol consumed, and a lifetime of belly laughs that dance happily inside our minds as they turn into the most special memories, I’m once more reminded that life is a treasure.
I smile knowingly that I will never forget the carnage, the laughs, the falls, that are now a forever moment in our minds.

Making new memories is truly a delight, one I never want to stop enjoying but there is always this part of me that will forever wish that he was by my side making them.
He’s the first person I want to tell my stories to but more so, he’s the one I want to make these memories with, he’s the one I want by my side, my partner in crime, my left hand man. It’s him who I should be making memories with.

No, no, no

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas 
Ev’rywhere you go; 
Take a look in the five-and-ten, glistening once again 
With candy canes and silver lanes aglow. 
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, 
Toys in ev’ry store, 
But the prettiest sight to see is the holly that will be 
On your own front door.

No, no,no, it’s only November!!!
Every other advertisement on the telly is about Christmas, Marly-Kate is already thinking about Santa coming down the chimney and the letter she wishes to write.
Shops are playing carols and every weekend is filled with Christmas party’s and hangovers.
While I’m pulling my hair out, it’s just to soon for all the hype and fake jolliness that starts way to early.
Maybe I’m a little burg humbug when it’s comes to this time of year, it’s not the fact I don’t like Christmas 🎄 because I do in my own little way. I love the shimmer of the Christmas tree, the roaring fire, the excitement in Marly-Kate’s eyes as she runs downstairs to see if Father Christmas has come down our chimney. Christmas to me, reminds me of the people I’ve lost, the people who I wish were by my side watching Marly-Kate nearly burst with pure joy as she watches others open the presents she has either brought or made them.🎁
To me it’s a really sad time of year.
I think of the homeless, the people who for one reason or another can’t be with their loved ones, the lonely soldiers, the elderly widow whom would do anything just to have their lost loved one by their side for just one more day. The poor orphans whom only have one wish, to have a mummy or a daddy they can call their own.
So this year, I’m going to try to make a difference, even if in the grand system of things won’t even begin to make a dent in the cruel world we live in.
This year with every gift I buy, I will buy a second, with every gift I make, I’ll make another.
Marly-Kate and I will gift these to children who have no presents under the tree, the elderly lady or gent who cries silent tears for the life and love they once had, the homeless who need a reminder that they are no forgotten by giving them a little warmth, be it a hat, a scarf or a blanket, a warm coffee or a steaming hot meal.
This Christmas I’m giving back, why don’t you join me. 🎁

No need to grumble

Life with all its twists and turns rushes forward leaving you wondering where the year has gone.
I can’t believe we are half way through November already.
Is it the fact I’m growing older that time moves faster than before or is it that life is a rat race, were modern living is always on fast forward and constantly busy?
I took a week out last week, a week at my Mum and dads farm, life even though manic always seems calmer at the Farm, I don’t really know why as my dad never seems to stop and his list of jobs to do never lessens, only grows.
As Marly-Kate undergoes the best education, learning the land, old farming traditions while covered head to toe in mud, soaked from the rain and chilled to the bone, she’s delightfully happy spending every waking moment by her granddads side.
Life is stress free, a total breath of fresh air, it’s a shame that we had to return to the four walls we hope one day to call home.
It’s not that we don’t like where we live, we are surrounded by fields, a few neighbors whom mainly seem to be friendly. 8 miles to one side of the helmet we have a gorgeous city, with the most enchanting cathedral, a miss match of cobbled streets and cute shops along with all the big shops most people don’t seem to be able to live without, in the other direction a small town with a park and river that Marly-Kate loves playing to her heart’s content in. A train ride to my home town Brighton, where we can get a fix of the sea air and visit all our friends who are our extended family.
The only trouble with being back in these four walls is, everyday stresses that comes with running a family home, school meetings to hopefully get Marly-Kate back in school or even move her to a different school and of course all those Hospital appointments that I dread.
In truth though, I’ve felt quite well the last week or so, be it from the lack of stress or for what ever reason, it’s been bliss.
All in all, life is ticking by nicely, I have no reason to grumble, even my favourite show is back on tv so I can snuggle under a blanket with a hot chocolate and day-dream about how extremely hot the main character is and how life would have been living all those centuries ago.
Of course my heart still aches more than I wish it would, but I’m putting one foot in front of the other and getting on with life the best I can.
Life is far from where I wish it was but I’m surviving and making the most of the time I have with the people I hold dear.

Who has the songs to sing to me when I am blue?

Who has the tenderness of a mother?
Who has the wisdom of a schoolteacher?
Who has the tricks of the magician?
Who has the ability to see the world through a child’s eye?
Who has the stories about Mum and Dad?
Who has always loved me no matter what I do?
Who has the songs to sing to me when I am blue?
Of course, it is my Grandma,
And I love you and you blessed my life!
(Catherine Pulsifer)

I’m constantly being called a granny because I crochet. But if all granny’s warm hearts like my granny sure did, I don’t mind being called a granny at all.

My great gran was the most exceptional lady I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.
Her warm heartfelt hugs as I snuggled into lap as she read me poems, story’s and sang the most enchanting Irish songs, in her sweet Irish accent, there was no place I would rather have been.
Her sweetie pot filled with humbugs next to her comfy armchair always filled so that her grandchildren could have that sweet treat that our parents would only allow on pocket-money day.
She would sit and listen to every word we spoke no matter the rubbish that would pour out as mouths.
She truly listened and even though she was a Victorian child at heart and the world had changed in front of her eyes, she would do her up most to try to understand the modern world and help to put life’s troubles into prospective, she would put the world to rights just by being her and opening her arm to give us the hug that protected us from the monsters under our beds.
She loved with her whole heart, her time was solely ours, her love unconditional.
There is truly no one like a granny.
She was my first ever heartbreak and I miss her terribly, her smile, her wisdom, her voice, her hugs.

While people take the piss that I make crochet blankets, hats or what ever they ask for, I do it out of love, friendship and respect for the person I’m gifting it to. With every piece I create, a sense of pride fills my soul and I feel as though I have actually achieved something.
Since life grow extremely hard, I feel I really don’t have a purpose, I have this humongous hole in my life, that can only be filled by the love of my life, with that emptiness eating away at me I have to try to do anything to give myself a little peace, a little sense of achievement, a little pride. Creating a keepsake, an heirloom that I call, a hug in a box, I feel I’m giving out a little love, that in person, I struggle to give. So even though people tease me, call me granny, I really don’t mind because granny’s give the best hugs.👵🏻

I would rather….

I’m asked all the time why I’m not angry about how and why my relationship ended.
I should be, I sometimes wish I was.
It’s an easy one to answer!

Why would I want to live a life full of hate and anger when I can let light in and remember all the good feelings that came with our love for each other.
I would rather fill my mind, my heart and my soul with the memories of how wonderful our life’s were together than feel bitter, angry and disappointed.
Add to that, a love as strong as the love that consumes my whole entire being, wins over every other emotion.
A Love that never fades no matter how hurt, devastated or broken.
True unconditional love.

A smile that bursts.

It’s funny how you get a text and you nearly wet yourself with laughter.

This morning my buddy Rich sent me a text and I nearly fall to the floor laughing.
I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in an age and boy it felt good.🤣
The funny thing is, I use to get texts like that from my dear friend Porter.
Not many days went by that he didn’t have me in stitches, he really was a clown. 🤡
I miss him terribly but I will always hold his kind, caring, jaw aching funniness close to my heart and remember that the two people I call my best friends, (Ross and Porter) were the two people who could make me smile, laugh and love life, like no others ever could.
Remembering the happy times, the most wonderful , the most precious times, warms my soul and gives me a little peace in a world that is now foreign to me.

People have searched for centuries to find the right way to say “I love you”

People have searched for centuries to find the right way to say
“I love you”
But I found, no words are really needed.
A look, a touch, a smile, a kiss, can say everything, we as humans are incapable of saying.

Let me tell you a true story, about a boy and a girl, who’s love was pure and unbreakable.

The girl worked in a hotel on the Isle of weight, working to bring much need pennies home to her parents, which would help feed and clothe her 8 siblings.
And a boy who worked on the steam cruise liners, making as much money as possible to give his love all her heart desires.little did he know, all she desired was him.
As Eileen carried out her daily tasks, her one true love Reg would swim five miles around the bay, just to wave hello to Eileen the girl he would marry.
He would swim everyday to wave to her upon the shore or just to catch a glimpse of her beauty, to let her day be filled with the overwhelming feeling of being loved.
A love that only grow as the grow older, a love that would bring a daughter and many years of marital bliss.
A marriage cut shot by ill-health and the passing of the Eileen’s only love.
A love that brought her peace upon her death-bed as they once again were reunited.

Love doesn’t need words, love hold no boundaries, love is beautiful and fills you with warmth, tenderness and belonging.