Life make us look at ourselves and with every new day, I learn more about myself, be it my weaknesses or my strengths.
I have spent so many years trying to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I’m a tough girl. A girl who says “I dont give a fuck what anyone thinks”, a girl who says “yeah whatever” but in reality I’m soft, to bloody soft.
I have always worried about what people think, about the person that I am, about whether or not people like me. I struggle with new people and even those that are close.
I build defences and push away, I go quiet and may come across as rude, bolshy or stuck up but in reality it’s shyness wrapped in defences.
I panic when asked about the future and I don’t make plans through fear of not delivering. I believe they call that anxiety.
I am spontaneous or rather I do spontaneous because I’m looking to far ahead sets me on edge.
I live for the here and now in detriment to the future.
I achieve mostly what I start and have high standards when it comes to myself, almost to the point sometimes I could be pushing pedantic. Yet there is so much I don’t acheive through the fear to start.
I can go from positive to doubt in the blink of on eyelid. I especially doubt myself given the time to think and it makes me a terrible procrastinator so always function best when kept busy. However if you tell me I can’t do something I’ll often go out my way to prove I can.
I’ve always try to do better in myself, rather than being content and thus never satisfied and always beating myself up. This is especially true when it comes to providing for others. I want to give the best to those I love because it makes me feel good and get frustrated when I can’t.
But when the day is over and the new day is dawning, I struggle on.