Built to love

People always tell me I’m built to love but in true honesty I’m scared, scared to love, scared to love myself and scared to feel loved.

It’s a constant viscous circle.

It’s funny because a circle is unbreakable unlike my heart, my self worth and my spirit.

Even though I loved deeper, more soulfully than I ever loved before, all the while I was terrified of the feelings, of loving that person with flaws and all, for allowing him to love me and my flaws.

Was I ever worthy of his love?

Was he worthy of my love ?

Is anyone worthy of a love so incredibly deeply soulful?

Unanswerable questions, ones that run rings around my mind, at a trillion miles an hour.

Have you ever ?

Have you ever been so hopelessly in love that when you are together it hurts to breathe.
But when you are apart, breathing becomes impossible.

Have you ever looked into someone’s eyes you loss yourself in the cascading blue pool that is his soul.
But when eyes are lost to yours, those beautiful blue eyes haunt your soul.

Have you ever held a hand that melts into yours becoming one, completing you.
But when your hands are torn apart, no other touch can’t mend you.

On the shelf

With all my friends settled or settling down, getting married and living out their happy ever after, I’m often asked when will it be my time.
My answer is a simple and pretty blunt one.

”It won’t!!!”

It’s funny because I once saw marriage as an escape, an escape from an unhappy home, an escape from my stepfather. My ticket out.
After many years of being so very unhappily married to a man who made me feel unlovable, weak and just damn right disgusting, I lost all faith in that happy ever after, that we all have been told about since before we could even string two words together. (Fairytales have a lot to answer to.)
I honestly believed that I would never find love, let alone that glorious happy ever after we all dream about.
In truth though I found it, I wholeheartedly found a love so mind blowing, it took every spec of air out of my lungs. It raced around my vains and my heart pumped faster than ever before.
I sincerely believe not many people get to find love like we once had, a love so intense it completes and destroys every single part of you.
A love of a life time or many lifetimes.

I would have married him in a heartbeat. I was so very much looking forward to growing old together and dying in each other’s arms. Spending our lives, loving each other.

So when that question comes over and over again, along with,
“When are you going to finally hook up with someone even if it’s just a one night stand?”
My answer is the simplest

“I’m not and I won’t!!!”

Because when you feel love so incredibly deeply, even if it isn’t returned, you would rather be stuck on the shelf for eternity than spent time or your bed with anyone else!!!

Three little things.

Three little things you may not know about me.

1• I use to believe that answers could be found in a bottom of a bottle.
Now I learnt/believe that not every question is answerable.

2• I’ve spent my life believing that I’m just not good enough, that I will never will be.
Now I can see that no one is perfect and that’s ok, that none perfect is actually perfect. That Perfection is in our little quirks.

3• I truly, wholeheartedly, believe that, we humans are all, one soul inhabiting two bodies and that you can only truly, fully be complete on finding the missing part of you!