Built to love

People always tell me I’m built to love but in true honesty I’m scared, scared to love, scared to love myself and scared to feel loved.

It’s a constant viscous circle.

It’s funny because a circle is unbreakable unlike my heart, my self worth and my spirit.

Even though I loved deeper, more soulfully than I ever loved before, all the while I was terrified of the feelings, of loving that person with flaws and all, for allowing him to love me and my flaws.

Was I ever worthy of his love?

Was he worthy of my love ?

Is anyone worthy of a love so incredibly deeply soulful?

Unanswerable questions, ones that run rings around my mind, at a trillion miles an hour.


Have you ever ?

Have you ever been so hopelessly in love that when you are together it hurts to breathe.
But when you are apart, breathing becomes impossible.

Have you ever looked into someone’s eyes you loss yourself in the cascading blue pool that is his soul.
But when eyes are lost to yours, those beautiful blue eyes haunt your soul.

Have you ever held a hand that melts into yours becoming one, completing you.
But when your hands are torn apart, no other touch can’t mend you.

On the shelf

With all my friends settled or settling down, getting married and living out their happy ever after, I’m often asked when will it be my time.
My answer is a simple and pretty blunt one.

”It won’t!!!”

It’s funny because I once saw marriage as an escape, an escape from an unhappy home, an escape from my stepfather. My ticket out.
After many years of being so very unhappily married to a man who made me feel unlovable, weak and just damn right disgusting, I lost all faith in that happy ever after, that we all have been told about since before we could even string two words together. (Fairytales have a lot to answer to.)
I honestly believed that I would never find love, let alone that glorious happy ever after we all dream about.
In truth though I found it, I wholeheartedly found a love so mind blowing, it took every spec of air out of my lungs. It raced around my vains and my heart pumped faster than ever before.
I sincerely believe not many people get to find love like we once had, a love so intense it completes and destroys every single part of you.
A love of a life time or many lifetimes.

I would have married him in a heartbeat. I was so very much looking forward to growing old together and dying in each other’s arms. Spending our lives, loving each other.

So when that question comes over and over again, along with,
“When are you going to finally hook up with someone even if it’s just a one night stand?”
My answer is the simplest

“I’m not and I won’t!!!”

Because when you feel love so incredibly deeply, even if it isn’t returned, you would rather be stuck on the shelf for eternity than spent time or your bed with anyone else!!!

Three little things.

Three little things you may not know about me.

1• I use to believe that answers could be found in a bottom of a bottle.
Now I learnt/believe that not every question is answerable.

2• I’ve spent my life believing that I’m just not good enough, that I will never will be.
Now I can see that no one is perfect and that’s ok, that none perfect is actually perfect. That Perfection is in our little quirks.

3• I truly, wholeheartedly, believe that, we humans are all, one soul inhabiting two bodies and that you can only truly, fully be complete on finding the missing part of you!

Too much love to lock away

My friends have always told me that I have too much Love to lock away.
So when I was given the opportunity to look after my two cousins boys, one that I’ve had living with me for a good few years now and the other who moved in with me a just over a year ago, I never thought I could love them in a way their mother could.

Growing up in a loveless relationship with my step father, a hate hate relationship, a battle of wills and the hardship of a catholic following.
We really couldn’t stand to be in the same room and when we had no other option but to be, fear ran through me constantly, the fear of the belt across my bare bum or legs. Fear the maybe there was some truth, that his relationship with his so called god, has dictated how sorrowful my life has been.
He really did put the fear of god into me.
So growing up with such strong beliefs and what seemed like proof that you could only truly love your own child, has consumed my thoughts since before my Marly-Kate came into the world.
Her blood father was/is a waste of space, he has never had time or love for her but in truth I wasn’t and still am not that bothered, he was/is better off out of our lives.
I tried though to do the right thing, giving him more opportunities than I should have, to be part of her life.
It ended the way I thought it would, with not even a birthday card on her birthday. No contact at all. It’s the best way, I just hope she understands that she is better off without him.
Having no real male roll model in her life, isn’t how I wanted it but I’m thankful to say she knows no other way. She idolises her Grandfather Joe and her cousins and she’s happy with the love and friendship they give her.
She doesn’t go without love and to me that’s all that matters.
And she’s more than happy to low two, that we don’t need a man around.
She’s growing up to be a very strong willed incredible character and I’m so proud that the two of us have mastered that between us.

Anyway getting back to it.
So when my cousins boys came to live with me, fear ran deep that I couldn’t and wouldn’t be all they needed, that I wasn’t good enough for them, that I couldn’t open up my heart and let them truly in.
In truth it’s been hard at time especially when the shit hit the fan throughout GCSEs and panic attacks that tested us all to our limits.
It’s so very hard to watch a child crumble under the pressure and the need he felt to better himself.
No amount of words could console him in those moments. His anger would boil over and shit got real for a good hour or so.
But he got through it with a lot of support and love, love I thought I was incapable of giving him.
Those tricky moments only made our connection, our friendship and our bond grow. And even through in truth my heart is still very much broken, it aches with a different kind of ache.
An ache of true pride and love.

So can you truly love someone else’s child as they are your own?
I believe wholeheartedly that you can, because these two souls who entered Marlys and my home, when their lives were shaken to the core, have stolen (willingly) a piece of my heart.
The day they pack their bags and go their own way (uni is the plan for one, the other well he is content in staying with Marly and I until I guess he finds his soul mate and leaves to start a new life full of a different and wonderful kind of love) my heart will hurt the same as any mothers would.
love to me has taken on a different meaning.

These pages

Life has taken me on many different roads of discovery over the last few years.
I’ve learnt so much about myself, my character, my dreams, my understanding, but most of all about my will power.
You see, this space right here has been my run to, for when I needed to let all my sadness and happiness out.
It has been my safe place, a place where I felt I could express my deepest feelings and all those emotions that swirl continually around my head. A place I could truly show how very broken my heart and soul was/is.
A place I could grow, a place I could reflect and a place I could have/find a voice.
An unknown place. The place I needed to survive when trying desperately to heal.

Out of the blue, it dawned on me that maybe it wasn’t a good idea, that maybe it was holding me back from healing and moving on.

So with a heavy, shattered heart, I stepped away and took a break from my safety net.
I had to try and find inner peace and learn to communicate with the people who were wanting to support me in my darkest and longest years of my life.

So that’s where I’ve been.
I’m been trying my up most to heal, to learn to trust and open up. To find comfort in friendship and family.

But in truth, I didn’t do as well as I should.
I’ve become a closed book, that’s locked out every emotion, every feeling and every connection that I once filled these pages with.

In the smallest of ways it’s helped me but also failed me.
Instead of owning and dealing with all that I feel, I push it all down, smile and continue on.

And even though I’m in control of the hectic life I live, a life that’s pretty pleasant and mostly happy (we all have those moments that we want to scream blue murder) I’m not sure if stepping away has really done me any good at all!!!
Is it better to write it out and own those emotions or push them deep down and never deal with what I’m feeling.

I guess the next few weeks, even months will tell as to how much I once more fill these pages.