My advice

There has been a lot about depression and suicide in the press as of late and considering I’ve tried to commit suicide in the past and have suffered depression more times than I care to admit, I thought I best touch base on the subject.

It is always heart breaking to think that someone felt they had no other option apart from to give up and leave this earth, leaving behind utter devastation and heartbreak for their loved ones, but I get it, I truly do.

I know it’s not easy to open up and talk, to admit not only to others but to ourselves that we feel death is the best option.

When you’re that low, it seems no amount of common sense or words can help you. 

Your anger and utter disappointment in yourself, only makes matters worse but trust me, when you let one brick fall from your defence wall, the others will follow, slowly but they will, I promise you that. You can get through it, you can beat the feeling and although it may always be there, that nagging voice you can’t stand to hear, in time it will fade into the distance, muffled by your strength and determination to not let it win. 

And even though it will be the hardest battle of your life, just think how wonderful it will feel to give it the finger. Trust me it’s an amazing feeling, a feeling to believe it, to stride for.

YOU CAN DO IT

To all the friends and family out there, Never ever think that because someone takes photos of themselves laughing and smiling, going on fancy nights outs, going on holidays etc that they are happy. 

Everyone has thoughts that keep them awake at night, everyone creates bad scenarios in their minds thinking what if, but why, should I, why did that happen.

 

The truth is everyone is fighting their own battles, I’ve fought my own over the years and I’m finally strong enough to be able to deal with my demons in a much better way. 

So listen when family or friends need to talk, give them your time, no matter how busy you are.

Please be kind and think before you spit out them words to hurt people, because you don’t know if that’s the last time you will see that person again.

Depression, bullying and lack of empathy kills, don’t that that be on your shoulders.

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My soul awakens

As the sun raises over the moors, the grass glistening as the rays dance off the morning dew. 

As the owl glides gracefully in search of his morning pray.

The dragonflies float aimlessly over the bubbling brook, as the butterflies whirl and twirl elegantly through the sun rays, my soul wakens to the beauty of life.

Unforgettable

When he looked into your eyes and told you he loves you, you know and understood right that second how powerful those words are, that they came from his soul.
That the love he had for you in that moment, was pure and the most genuine words ever spoken.
He meant it with every inch of his being.
That unforgettable I love you.
The I love you, that will stay embedded in your mind and heart for the rest of your life.
And even if you never hear those words again in your life time, while his breathtaking blue eyes look into your soul, you knew, truly knew that, that I love you, meant everything.

I struggle on

Life make us look at ourselves and with every new day, I learn more about myself, be it my weaknesses or my strengths.

I have spent so many years trying to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I’m a tough girl. A girl who  says “I dont give a fuck what anyone thinks”, a girl who says “yeah whatever” but in reality I’m soft, to bloody soft. 

I have always worried about what people think, about the person that I am, about whether or not people like me. I struggle with new people and even those that are close. 

I build defences and push away, I go quiet and may come across as rude, bolshy or stuck up but in reality it’s shyness wrapped in defences.

I panic when asked about the future and I don’t make plans through fear of not delivering. I believe they call that anxiety. 

I am spontaneous or rather I do spontaneous because I’m looking to far ahead sets me on edge. 
I live for the here and now in detriment to the future.

I achieve mostly what I start and have high standards when it comes to myself, almost to the point sometimes I could be pushing pedantic. Yet there is so much I don’t acheive through the fear to start. 

I can go from positive to doubt in the blink of on eyelid. I especially doubt myself given the time to think and it makes me a terrible procrastinator so always function best when kept busy. However if you tell me I can’t do something I’ll often go out my way to prove I can.

I’ve always try to do  better in myself, rather than being content and thus never satisfied and always beating myself up. This is especially true when it comes to providing for others. I want to give the best to those I love because it makes me feel good and get frustrated when I can’t.

But when the day is over and the new day is dawning, I struggle on.

Healing

Random thought of the day.

Healing is NOT an overnight process. It takes time. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re finally starting to heal and you’re happy again, the wound will reopen. Don’t give up, don’t get discouraged, some wounds will never heal completely. Take each day 1 step at a time and just try to be in a better place mentally than you were yesterday.