Bringing back the LOVE 💗

It’s been far too long since I blogged, I mean probably blogged. 
So much has happened in my life and I can finally say I’m on stable ground and the closest to happy I think I’ll ever be again. 
The world has spun at full speed, I’ve walked in directions I never thought I would walk, I’ve said good-bye to my favourite run away and found peace at my parents new home and business venture. 
I’m trying my hardest to be the best mother I can be to Marly-Kate, while I’ve opened my doors to children who need the love that unfortunately they haven’t received at their own homes.
All the while I’m doing two jobs while being as active as I can in school life, while trying my up most to stay as healthy as I can.

It’s been a whirlwind of an adventure that’s for sure.

I hope to get a blog post up within the next few days to share a little more with you. May it be the stepping-stone I need to bring back the love, Ice Maiden Diaries has desperately been lacking so until next time,
Take care of your beautiful souls.
Much love,
Rosa 
X 

My soul awakens

As the sun raises over the moors, the grass glistening as the rays dance off the morning dew. 

As the owl glides gracefully in search of his morning pray.

The dragonflies float aimlessly over the bubbling brook, as the butterflies whirl and twirl elegantly through the sun rays, my soul wakens to the beauty of life.

The Christmas I was named

The tree was shimmering, the house smelt of turkey and wine flowed as Mum kept busy in the kitchen on that magical Christmas Eve.
My mum was holding Christmas that rememberable year, all the family were coming to ours, for plates full of turkey and all the trimmings.

As we prepare to go to Christingle, followed by Christmas drinks and nibbles, Mum puts the freshly cooked turkey in our what seemed to Jane, Alex and I our huge shed.
How we loved that shed, we would spend hours upon hours playing happily in there, we would crush petals and make perfumes, bottle them up and give them as Christmas pressies to our grandparents and other unlucky relations. 😂
So off we went for an evening full of Christmas joys, carols, party games and way to much alcohol. 🍷
On our return home, Jane and I ran to our shed to carry on the game that we had unwilling left.
On opening the door we weren’t met by the smell of turkey that should have been cooling inside, instead we were greeted by every cat from our neighbourhood as well as some other cheeky buggers that gate crashed the feline Christmas party which was in full flow around our turkey 🦃
As they fled from the scene, leaving behind bones where once sat our Christmas dinner. 🤣
Jane and I roared with laughter as we made our exit from the underground feline Christmas party 🎈 Running as fast as we could to tell Mum all about the naughty kitty’s, my feet skid from under me as I fall face first down the stairs of our shed, smashing my nose as I hit the icy path below.

Christmas Eve turned manic as John (my step dad) chased cats out the garden, Mum became my own personal nurse as I covered her party dress in blood and our turkey sat in the roasting tin, naked.
It definitely was a sight to see.
Tears flowed, giggles exploded into ear-piecing laughter and Christmas was declared, cancelled.
So off to bed I go, feeling sorry for myself with my bright red nose.
As I awake to the, ho, ho, ho of
Christmas morning, Santa has come and gone, milk, mince pies, carrots have been consumed, presents filled our front room.
As we sat opening presents, an unexpected ring of our door bell sends us young ones to the next level of excitement. Standing on tiptoes, I manage to pull open the door to be greeted by a gathering of our neighbours, friends and family with dishes and dishes full of turkey and the words that would stay with me a lifetime.

“Happy Christmas Rudolph”

A Christmas nickname that would stay with me a lifetime but more importantly, memories of the not so perfect Christmas becoming the memory that first comes to mind when I think of Christmas past, the Christmas I was named Rudolph.

My angel standing by

Angel Standing By. 💗

 

I gaze outside my window
And wish upon a star.
I open up my heart
And let my thoughts drift afar.
A tear rolls down my cheek
As I reminisce the past.
You hardly got to live.
Your life went by so fast.

And all because someone else
Made a dumb mistake.
I don’t understand why it was
Your life he had to take.

But now there’s no way I can bring you back
No matter how hard I try.
Because now you’re up in heaven
As my angel standing by.
(Karen Ashley Murray)

I’ve been thinking about grief a lot lately especially with the anniversary of my mum’s best friend yesterday.
He wasn’t just my mum’s life long best friend but he was a father figure to me.
As a young child I prayed that he was my dad. He treated me as I was his daughter and I worshiped the ground he walked on.
We had this special bond, a bond that only death could take away from us.
My mum had the same bond and even all these years later I can see her heart-break all over again as she remembers the extremely cruel way he died.
I have hardly ever spoken to anyone about the man who loved me as his own, who called me princess, who would have moved mountains for me.
I don’t think I even ever told Ross how much he warmed my life and how devastated I was when after months of suffering and pain he finally draw his last breath.
I had only ever seen one person die before, well I found the old gent dead on the toilet. 🚽
This though was a total different kettle of fish.
I loved him, in my eyes he was my father, the father I longed for, my friend and in ways my hero.

Twenty years on, I still grieve for him, I miss him desperately and I would cut off my right arm just to see his smile again, to hear his laugh and to try to understand his very dry sensed humour which I never fully understood as a child, now I roar as we reminisce his jokes.
What I would give to spend my summers in his swimming pool or to run over the sand dunes, desperately trying to beat him to the top.
For him to take me shopping for all the latest music 🎧.
I’ll never forget that huge tape shop he would take me to and I could pick what ever I fancied, it was a music crazy teenagers haven.
When summer would end and I had to fly home, with the most incredible sun tan from 6 weeks of pure relaxation and fun, I would beg my mum to marry him so everyday would be to me the perfect childhood.
When we walked through our front door, there would always be a parcel waiting for us, a box full of pirate vhs tapes. All the latest movies that were months away from being released. Jane and I would run to my room and snuggle up under the duvet and watch movie after movie, roaring with laughter ever time a head would pop up on the screen or a cough, sneeze or scream would over power the buzz of the muttered voices.
We didn’t care how bad quality they were, they were truly awful, all that mattered was they were a gift from my wannabe dad.

Grief and grieving doesn’t have a time line, you just can’t wake up and not feel the pain anymore, it never goes, somehow though you manage to keep living with the pain etched deeply into your heart, soul and memories.
I’ve now learnt how to look back and smile through the tears, I’ve learn to treasure the memories and for my wannabe dad to live on through them. I will never forget him, I will always be grateful to him for giving me my happiness childhood memories, for giving me a carefree summers, but most of all for giving me a glimmer of what father and daughters relationships can and should be like.
Sleep peacefully my angel standing by.

Flashback Friday, but not so.

This week will soon be the past, and has flown by,I can’t believe it’s over already, had we dare to blink.
So a mundane week just turned pretty damn awesome, I’ve just been dancing around my kitchen in delight.

“I’m so excited and I just can’t find it, I’m about to lose control and I think I like it.” 🎤🎶🎵🎶🎤

I’ve just brought tickets to one of my life long dreams, omg I can’t believe I’m going. But that’s all I’m going to give away for now, your just have to watch this space to find out more. But boy I’ve got happy dancing feet on right now and nothing is going to ruin my mood. 😁
Also I wrote an email for my cousin that she sent to her son’s school, BAM, we got a result, he only got to try out at county trails and he flipping smashed it. 🏃🏻
So proud of him, I knew he could do it, to top that a new Personal best. I’m also chuffed to bits that we proved the school wrong. This weeks turned out pretty damn exciting.
So it’s Flashback Friday and haven’t really got a clue what to share with you so think I’ll leave it for today and just wish you the most amazing weekend.
Have a good one peeps and I’ll hopefully see you again soon.
Peace ✌️

🎶🎤🎶🎤🎶

Flashback Friday

img_4282Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop us from savagely beating one of our coworkers with a keyboard.
So lower that keyboard and take a deep breath of freedom, it’s Friday.
Happy, happy, happy dance. 💃🏼

Sadly it means the end of half term but thank goodness for weekends.

My week has been so laid back and chilled, it’s been nice, lots of time with my little ray of sunshine, snuggle’s on the sofa, pizza 🍕, movies 🎥 and throw in a good old Thai takeaway. Best of all, seeing the freedom that always comes with a trip to mum and dads.
I just love watching Marley-Kate run free, climb trees and help her grandad with the farm. She loves to get covered in mud and jumping in the biggest dirtiest puddles that she can find, standing as still as she can in the bubbling brook and try her hardest to catch the tiny fish or to play poo sticks.
It’s the simple things that she loves and it’s a joy to watch.
The sun even came out, so we picnicked in the sheep fields and took in the beauty of life, freedom and the warmth of the winter sun. ☀️
There really is something so magical about moments like those, I can’t explain it, there simply are no words.

After the hectic week before, it was perfect timing to get away from it all.

I did forget to tell you about my week last week and my trip to see Billie Elliot which was a gift from a friend. We went on his birthday and even though the meal before hand was a total disaster, you can’t even call it a meal because it never arrived and we had to dash to the theatre so we wouldn’t miss the show.
I was totally blown away by the show, it was amazing, those children just blow us away, their talent was incredible, seriously fantastic. Those 11-year-old in all their glory, lit up the whole stage and deserved so much more than the standing ovation which roared through the theatre. 🎭
In honesty I wasn’t that keen on going, but boy wasn’t I wrong, and a little shocked as the bad language coming out those children’s mouths was a surprise but somehow it just seemed to fit and make the performance even better.

All in all life has been pretty good of late and as the sun breaks through a little more each days, people’s moods seem to lighten and smiles, laughter and happiness breakthrough .
Spring is on the way, summer will soon follow.
So it’s come that time to look back, and remember past posts, it’s Friday after all.
This time two years ago, I was living the dream, I was in the most amazing place on earth, with great friends and I was free, totally and utterly free and I can’t wait to go back there.
Iceland is amazing, mind-blowing and damn right bloody freezing but that really doesn’t matter because somehow your heart, your love for life, warms your core and no matter how cold you are, that your can’t feel your finger, nose and toes, you just stand in awe of the beauty.

The post I’m sharing with you, was written just after my return and it just makes me smile reading it back.

So before I share it with you, I just want to say have an awesome weekend, what ever you have planned, stay safe and stay happy.

img_4283

A beautiful chapture 😃 How my life has changed.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2015/03/04/a-beautiful-chapture-%F0%9F%98-how-my-life-has-changed/

Life really is a roller coasters at the moment, after one of the most fantastic weeks of my life last week, to a family wedding, to final stages of packing up my life to move miles away from everyone, to the devastating news from consultants, life has thrown a hell of a lot of emotions, hard decisions, extreme highs and lows at me.
I felt that I have turned a corner, I have been loving life, I’ve smiled and laughed and found that happiness can really exist even with a ticking time bomb over my head and a shattered beyond shattered heart.
Life is no way the same and I’m sure as sure that I am not the same person I was even a few weeks ago.
Something just changed over night and I wanted to feel happiness again.
How I felt that happiness doesn’t really matter, it doesn’t matter that I went against my constants orders so I could finally feel some other emotion apart from emotional pain.
I know I will have to live with the fall out of that as my condition gets worse by the day but boy it was worth it, ever second of every day/night was so worth it.
The feeling of freedom, hope, joy, laughter, smiles, excitement was worth a life time of physical pain.
Not much can match those few days of total joy.
Life was truly a gift, a gift so bright that the world was perfect, so perfect for those few days.
Even though there were moments when my heart wanted to take it away from me and show me that it couldn’t be perfect because it was missing one certain person.
I wasn’t going to let him take this dream, advantage away from me.
I wanted to feel all those different emotions flow through me, ones that I haven’t felt for so long.
Even though my heart wept for the what if, I couldn’t and wouldn’t allow it to win this time.
Life was pretty damn fantastic.
Mind blowing is an understatement.
I felt free totally free and that feeling alone was worth it.
Tune in soon to hear about my advantages.
Trust me you will be rushing to buy a ticket.
Stay safe and happy and smile your biggest smile because life is a gift, and it can be bloody fantastic at times.

A little heart goes a long, long way.

img_4237Sometimes I lose hope in humanity.
We all live in a world that isn’t the nicest, everyone just seems to be wrapped up in their own little world and have lost the most important thing, caring.
There is so much evil in the world, so many wars, so much hate and pain. I can’t stand to watch the news these day, it’s just so heart crushing.
Unless what others do, affects their own life’s, people just don’t seem to give a damn about what is going on in others, well unless it’s for the old gossip line but then it’s not really caring it’s just being damn right nosey.
Sadly the world seems to be quite content living in a heartless way.
It saddens me to the bone.
That was until I found this little community that blows me away, over and over again.
The love, support, the caring of these amazing women, is second to none and showed the world that love, support, and kindness is out there, you just need to look a little deeper to find it.
This group of incredible women from all over the world heard the devastating news that the young beautiful soul who has been fighting cancer for so many year, has been given weeks, only weeks to live.
Tears rolled down my face when I heard the news, this beautiful girl, who has fought so hard, so very, very hard is losing her battle. 😭
She has one dream that she wanted to complete before she gains her wings, and that was to spend a few days in Switzerland at an incredible hotel looking over the mountains.
This community who most haven’t met her, just had to make it happen and with help from a delightful women called Emma we got her there.
Women from every corner of the globe donated what they could and raised £12,000.00 to make her dream come true. That’s pretty damn amazing, don’t you agree?
Just over 48 hours later she was in the Switzerland with her mum, living out her dream.
It just makes me so humble and fills me with is feeling that I very rarely get. I’m feel very proud that just a little love and a few bank transfers later, we gave the most important and wonderful memories to these two women, who when it really comes down to it, we do not know from Adam.
We made dreams come true and to me the is so flipping special and a wonderful thing.
Maybe all hope isn’t lost and a little at a time, we can change the world for the better.

A little heart ❤️ goes a long, long way.