Reminiscing, The Cherry On The Cake.

I spent young adult years of my life with one man and they were some of the darkest, most desperate and lonely times of my life.

Now it’s different…thank f***.

Now I share my life with a partner/an equal, someone who wants to know me and accepts me inside out and me likewise.

Someone who knows my truths and won’t judge because that’s not who I am now and me likewise.

A love where we want to please each other not because we feel we ought to but because it brings us joy,

where we don’t feel responsible for each others happiness but we are happy and content  to just be together.

Where we can talk about anything and know the other will truly listen.

Where we are always free to be ourselves and will forever find joy in holding hands even in the tough times.

His love has taught me that I am responsible for my own happiness but that having that special someone, my soulmate, is the cherry on the cake.

The Christmas I was named

The tree was shimmering, the house smelt of turkey and wine flowed as Mum kept busy in the kitchen on that magical Christmas Eve.
My mum was holding Christmas that rememberable year, all the family were coming to ours, for plates full of turkey and all the trimmings.

As we prepare to go to Christingle, followed by Christmas drinks and nibbles, Mum puts the freshly cooked turkey in our what seemed to Jane, Alex and I our huge shed.
How we loved that shed, we would spend hours upon hours playing happily in there, we would crush petals and make perfumes, bottle them up and give them as Christmas pressies to our grandparents and other unlucky relations. 😂
So off we went for an evening full of Christmas joys, carols, party games and way to much alcohol. 🍷
On our return home, Jane and I ran to our shed to carry on the game that we had unwilling left.
On opening the door we weren’t met by the smell of turkey that should have been cooling inside, instead we were greeted by every cat from our neighbourhood as well as some other cheeky buggers that gate crashed the feline Christmas party which was in full flow around our turkey 🦃
As they fled from the scene, leaving behind bones where once sat our Christmas dinner. 🤣
Jane and I roared with laughter as we made our exit from the underground feline Christmas party 🎈 Running as fast as we could to tell Mum all about the naughty kitty’s, my feet skid from under me as I fall face first down the stairs of our shed, smashing my nose as I hit the icy path below.

Christmas Eve turned manic as John (my step dad) chased cats out the garden, Mum became my own personal nurse as I covered her party dress in blood and our turkey sat in the roasting tin, naked.
It definitely was a sight to see.
Tears flowed, giggles exploded into ear-piecing laughter and Christmas was declared, cancelled.
So off to bed I go, feeling sorry for myself with my bright red nose.
As I awake to the, ho, ho, ho of
Christmas morning, Santa has come and gone, milk, mince pies, carrots have been consumed, presents filled our front room.
As we sat opening presents, an unexpected ring of our door bell sends us young ones to the next level of excitement. Standing on tiptoes, I manage to pull open the door to be greeted by a gathering of our neighbours, friends and family with dishes and dishes full of turkey and the words that would stay with me a lifetime.

“Happy Christmas Rudolph”

A Christmas nickname that would stay with me a lifetime but more importantly, memories of the not so perfect Christmas becoming the memory that first comes to mind when I think of Christmas past, the Christmas I was named Rudolph.

My angel standing by

Angel Standing By. 💗

 

I gaze outside my window
And wish upon a star.
I open up my heart
And let my thoughts drift afar.
A tear rolls down my cheek
As I reminisce the past.
You hardly got to live.
Your life went by so fast.

And all because someone else
Made a dumb mistake.
I don’t understand why it was
Your life he had to take.

But now there’s no way I can bring you back
No matter how hard I try.
Because now you’re up in heaven
As my angel standing by.
(Karen Ashley Murray)

I’ve been thinking about grief a lot lately especially with the anniversary of my mum’s best friend yesterday.
He wasn’t just my mum’s life long best friend but he was a father figure to me.
As a young child I prayed that he was my dad. He treated me as I was his daughter and I worshiped the ground he walked on.
We had this special bond, a bond that only death could take away from us.
My mum had the same bond and even all these years later I can see her heart-break all over again as she remembers the extremely cruel way he died.
I have hardly ever spoken to anyone about the man who loved me as his own, who called me princess, who would have moved mountains for me.
I don’t think I even ever told Ross how much he warmed my life and how devastated I was when after months of suffering and pain he finally draw his last breath.
I had only ever seen one person die before, well I found the old gent dead on the toilet. 🚽
This though was a total different kettle of fish.
I loved him, in my eyes he was my father, the father I longed for, my friend and in ways my hero.

Twenty years on, I still grieve for him, I miss him desperately and I would cut off my right arm just to see his smile again, to hear his laugh and to try to understand his very dry sensed humour which I never fully understood as a child, now I roar as we reminisce his jokes.
What I would give to spend my summers in his swimming pool or to run over the sand dunes, desperately trying to beat him to the top.
For him to take me shopping for all the latest music 🎧.
I’ll never forget that huge tape shop he would take me to and I could pick what ever I fancied, it was a music crazy teenagers haven.
When summer would end and I had to fly home, with the most incredible sun tan from 6 weeks of pure relaxation and fun, I would beg my mum to marry him so everyday would be to me the perfect childhood.
When we walked through our front door, there would always be a parcel waiting for us, a box full of pirate vhs tapes. All the latest movies that were months away from being released. Jane and I would run to my room and snuggle up under the duvet and watch movie after movie, roaring with laughter ever time a head would pop up on the screen or a cough, sneeze or scream would over power the buzz of the muttered voices.
We didn’t care how bad quality they were, they were truly awful, all that mattered was they were a gift from my wannabe dad.

Grief and grieving doesn’t have a time line, you just can’t wake up and not feel the pain anymore, it never goes, somehow though you manage to keep living with the pain etched deeply into your heart, soul and memories.
I’ve now learnt how to look back and smile through the tears, I’ve learn to treasure the memories and for my wannabe dad to live on through them. I will never forget him, I will always be grateful to him for giving me my happiness childhood memories, for giving me a carefree summers, but most of all for giving me a glimmer of what father and daughters relationships can and should be like.
Sleep peacefully my angel standing by.

Flashback Friday

img_4282Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop us from savagely beating one of our coworkers with a keyboard.
So lower that keyboard and take a deep breath of freedom, it’s Friday.
Happy, happy, happy dance. 💃🏼

Sadly it means the end of half term but thank goodness for weekends.

My week has been so laid back and chilled, it’s been nice, lots of time with my little ray of sunshine, snuggle’s on the sofa, pizza 🍕, movies 🎥 and throw in a good old Thai takeaway. Best of all, seeing the freedom that always comes with a trip to mum and dads.
I just love watching Marley-Kate run free, climb trees and help her grandad with the farm. She loves to get covered in mud and jumping in the biggest dirtiest puddles that she can find, standing as still as she can in the bubbling brook and try her hardest to catch the tiny fish or to play poo sticks.
It’s the simple things that she loves and it’s a joy to watch.
The sun even came out, so we picnicked in the sheep fields and took in the beauty of life, freedom and the warmth of the winter sun. ☀️
There really is something so magical about moments like those, I can’t explain it, there simply are no words.

After the hectic week before, it was perfect timing to get away from it all.

I did forget to tell you about my week last week and my trip to see Billie Elliot which was a gift from a friend. We went on his birthday and even though the meal before hand was a total disaster, you can’t even call it a meal because it never arrived and we had to dash to the theatre so we wouldn’t miss the show.
I was totally blown away by the show, it was amazing, those children just blow us away, their talent was incredible, seriously fantastic. Those 11-year-old in all their glory, lit up the whole stage and deserved so much more than the standing ovation which roared through the theatre. 🎭
In honesty I wasn’t that keen on going, but boy wasn’t I wrong, and a little shocked as the bad language coming out those children’s mouths was a surprise but somehow it just seemed to fit and make the performance even better.

All in all life has been pretty good of late and as the sun breaks through a little more each days, people’s moods seem to lighten and smiles, laughter and happiness breakthrough .
Spring is on the way, summer will soon follow.
So it’s come that time to look back, and remember past posts, it’s Friday after all.
This time two years ago, I was living the dream, I was in the most amazing place on earth, with great friends and I was free, totally and utterly free and I can’t wait to go back there.
Iceland is amazing, mind-blowing and damn right bloody freezing but that really doesn’t matter because somehow your heart, your love for life, warms your core and no matter how cold you are, that your can’t feel your finger, nose and toes, you just stand in awe of the beauty.

The post I’m sharing with you, was written just after my return and it just makes me smile reading it back.

So before I share it with you, I just want to say have an awesome weekend, what ever you have planned, stay safe and stay happy.

img_4283

A beautiful chapture 😃 How my life has changed.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2015/03/04/a-beautiful-chapture-%F0%9F%98-how-my-life-has-changed/

Life really is a roller coasters at the moment, after one of the most fantastic weeks of my life last week, to a family wedding, to final stages of packing up my life to move miles away from everyone, to the devastating news from consultants, life has thrown a hell of a lot of emotions, hard decisions, extreme highs and lows at me.
I felt that I have turned a corner, I have been loving life, I’ve smiled and laughed and found that happiness can really exist even with a ticking time bomb over my head and a shattered beyond shattered heart.
Life is no way the same and I’m sure as sure that I am not the same person I was even a few weeks ago.
Something just changed over night and I wanted to feel happiness again.
How I felt that happiness doesn’t really matter, it doesn’t matter that I went against my constants orders so I could finally feel some other emotion apart from emotional pain.
I know I will have to live with the fall out of that as my condition gets worse by the day but boy it was worth it, ever second of every day/night was so worth it.
The feeling of freedom, hope, joy, laughter, smiles, excitement was worth a life time of physical pain.
Not much can match those few days of total joy.
Life was truly a gift, a gift so bright that the world was perfect, so perfect for those few days.
Even though there were moments when my heart wanted to take it away from me and show me that it couldn’t be perfect because it was missing one certain person.
I wasn’t going to let him take this dream, advantage away from me.
I wanted to feel all those different emotions flow through me, ones that I haven’t felt for so long.
Even though my heart wept for the what if, I couldn’t and wouldn’t allow it to win this time.
Life was pretty damn fantastic.
Mind blowing is an understatement.
I felt free totally free and that feeling alone was worth it.
Tune in soon to hear about my advantages.
Trust me you will be rushing to buy a ticket.
Stay safe and happy and smile your biggest smile because life is a gift, and it can be bloody fantastic at times.

Flashback Friday

imageI’ve kind of been a bit confused what day of the week it is……it’s Friday right??????
Which means it flash back time but first things first, my week……. It’s flown by, I need to catch a breath, which I’m doing right now, sat by a roaring fire as summer seems to have left us, not for long though I hope.
My week has been crazy busy but boy wasn’t it fun.
Last weekend was a total blast and I enjoyed every minute of it.
I pick up my camera as I had a friend come to stay for the weekend, we snapped away happily on a beautiful sunny day by a lake covered in swans, a fun fair full of laughter in the distance and the most wonderful couple modelling in front of us.
I had forgotten how photography makes my mind race with ideas, that light dances freely and creates magic. I had forgotten how wonderful freedom of the mind is, I had forgotten a lot.
Magic was in the air as we captured delightful images and imbedded memories in our minds, I was free to turn my imagination into something that would last my lifetime and maybe even longer.
That day was pretty incredible and added to that I made life long friends.
To top it off, I got to drive a beast of a classic and boy she roared. It was like stepping back in time as my feet touched the peddles and the little gem warmed up with a little pull on the choke. To me those drives was so extra special, I felt free and alive.
Such an incredible weekend.
So my week has been busy, editing, designing, creating, and now finally relaxing while Marly-Kate rides tractors, dumpers, diggers, runs free in the fields and splashes in the bubbling broke. What more could we ask for.

So today, I think I’m going to step back in time to where it all started, my first ever blog post.
I love this one, I was happy, in love and even though life was hard, I had the most beautiful soul in my life, the love of my life, my best friend, I was nearly so very nearly the most happiest I’ve ever been. ❤️
Little did I know that life would become even more beautiful, that every second with him was a magical dream, little did I know that I could fall any deeper in love than I was then.
I did, I fall so, so deeply that our love consumed me. Life was amazing and every waking second I fall deeper and deeper in love with Ross.
He was not only my best friend, but my whole heart and soul, the one and Only love of my life and still with all the pain, heartbreak, tears, devastation that followed, my heart, my soul, my everything still and will Always belong to him.💓
No matter how hard I try, it just won’t fade, it’s won’t stop, it won’t let me move forward, but you no what, I’m kinda content with that, because nothing, no one will ever, ever, ever, compare to Ross. No love can warm like ours did, no touch could ever melt like his did.
I’m just so happy that I had that, that he loved me, even if only for a short while. 💔

Anyway, let’s get off that, and get back to the whole meaning for this post………

It’s Friday. 😃
And without further ado, I give you…..

Floating ☁️

In the corner of my mind and deep with in my soul, I live in a beautiful world filled with love, sweetness and butterflies.
Everything is wonderfully light and magical.
I think they call this LOVE.
And I find this is true for I, this small town girl, am in love with my knight, my hero, my soul re connected.
The feeling sends me floating in the breeze to where I feel tenderness, warmth and passion.
No single word including love will ever take on the meaning of the feelings that this small town boy has given me.
As we float and our life’s unfold together into new beginnings, of hope, love and fairytale endings, maybe your floating to and can share in our quest to find our happy ever after.
And while we live in heaven right now, it’s not always been this simple, we have fought many battles, slayed dragons, and battled many demons, but one thing is for sure the fight is worth while and as we dance on rainbows and take in the beauty of this feeling, my love grows ever so stronger and I am winning the battle.

Somewhere the sun is shining

imageToday marks the 15 year anniversary of my dear friends death.
A day that changed a lot of people’s life’s forever, the day I lost one of my closest best friends.
We meet at play school and we were joined at the hip from that day forward.
He was a pickle, that was for sure, a lovable rogue but a truly delightful one. He lightened up everyday and everyone he knew.
He was pretty damn special. The fun we had, the mischief we caused, there wasn’t a dull moment that was for such.
He was by my side at my 18th birthday, as we got totally hammered at Butlins. If only you could see the photos of our crazy week spent in Bognor Regis. He was the funniest guy I had met and had this energy about him, that no one could quite put their finger on even now, it’s hard to explain.
We did our first Ouija board together, our first wheelybin ride down the huge hill we lived near, he handed me my very first joint (I know, I know drugs are bad 😝 but I guess I was about 16 at the time and how could I say no to such a cheeky face)
We slept out in woods, garages, empty houses, any where we could find, when our parents thought we were tucked up safe and sound at friends houses.
We were arrested together the first and last time for me. But we were marched home by the pigs in blue many times after because they had found us sleeping rough.
I was there (in the next tent) when he lost his big V.
He was truly an awesome guy, one I will never forget or even begin to get over his death.

15 years ago, he decided he had, had enough of life and while he was out with a different group of friends, not the best kind and I swear that may be a little part to play into why he swallowed all those tables, you see he was a drifter, he drifted between so many friends group, because he was loved by so many.
But on that dreadful night, for reasons we will never understand, he took his own life.
A life that shouldn’t have been taken, a life that is heavily missed every single day, a life that was wasted, truly wasted.
I will never understand why he had to go, what was so bad that he couldn’t talk to anyone, no one had a clue he was so unhappy, not a single clue.
My mum bumped into him the morning before, and he had ran at her with the biggest hug and he was happy, really happy.
And the next morning, we got the call to say he was gone.
No amount of words can sum up the gut punch we all received that day, no amount of tears could ever take the pain away.
A waste of a life, I still can’t believe it to this day and I will never understand why the friends he was with did nothing, nothing at all when he told them what he had taken. I guess most of them were off their faces on the prescription drugs that were all the fad at the time among this group of friends. I guess maybe they thought he was looking for a bigger high, sadly that wasn’t the case.

I still can’t believe he’s gone, why, why, why he would do it.
What was making him so unhappy?
We found out afterwards that he had extra low zinc levels, maybe that was it, maybe it had unbalanced something in his brain. I guess though even all these years later, we will never know.
It’s hard even to this day. If only I had seen him that day, maybe I could of talked him through it, got help, anything just to still have him here.

His funeral was one of the hardest I’ve ever been to, but boy wasn’t he loved, the church was full to the brim, no room even left to stand, they even put the load speakers outside so the people that could get into the church could still listen and be a part of it.

Below is the poem I gave to him on that day, it summed our friendship up to a tee and still to this day, he will be one of the best friends I ever had.
I miss him, I truly miss him and he’s cheeky ways.
I wonder what he would be doing now if he was still with us.
The extra sad part to his story is that a few years later, we woke to the news that his dad, had taken his life also.
Their poor family, their poor, poor family.
Life is very cruel, hard and unbalanced but there is always hope, there is someone out there that can help or even just listen. You really don’t need to be alone.
I for one know of their pain, I’ve been there and failed and even though my life is far from perfect and I will never be complete or half as happy as I once was, I’m glad I’m here fighting the fight because life no matter how hard it is is worth fighting for.
Even if it comes down to it being a case of not hurting the ones you would leave behind.
I have seen, felt, indued both sides of the story. And I’m still here fighting those demons. But life is beautiful, you just need to open your eyes that little wider, take deeper breaths and cry as much as you need to.
The main goal though, is to never give up.
I will leave you with this beautiful poem, his poem. 💔

Somewhere the sun is shining,
and the clouds are not in sight.
Somewhere someone’s laughing,
and talking about what might.
What might have been another year,
for us to spend together.
What might have been another time,
that I could cherish forever.
Somewhere two people laugh and joke,
and carry on all day.
Talk about their past and future,
in an extraordinary way.
They talk about the last few years,
and how they made a bond.
They found it funny they both were different,
but both especially fond.
Fond of each other everyday,
so genuine and true.
A friend to tell of all your worries,
if ever you were blue.
To trust with all my secrets,
and keeping yours close to heart.
Knowing you will comfort me,
and sharing all our art.
Somewhere the sun is shining,
and we will meet again.
Become the friends we always were,
and talk about what’s been.
Although you’re gone I know you’re here,
to help me through hard times.
Help me make the right decisions,
when I don’t see the signs.
Somewhere the sun is shining,
and you will be in my heart.
For you were more like a brother to me,
and we shall never part.
This is the time to let you know,
how much I really cared.
I love you for you no matter what,
and cherish the moments that we shared.

True

My dad use to send me a quote a day, either ones he had made up on read.
He sent me the below quote awhile ago now but it couldn’t be more true if it tried.

“True love doesn’t mean being inseparable, it means being separated and nothing changes.”

I always understood this but more so now.
I think we all can learn a little from it.

Little did he know

imageLittle did he know that when he wrote this to me, I felt every single emotion a trillion billion zillion times over.
I was so hopelessly in love (I still am) that he became the air I breathe, the reason for my being. He totally consumed me.
Love that strong never dies. There is no possible way it ever could.

“I want you to have the feeling running through your body, the same feeling I do, heart beating a million miles an hour, the tingle down your spine, hairs standing on end. the complete love filling my heart ,3”

A kiss like that

imageI really can’t believe a kiss like ours is only ever going to be a memory.

It’s wrong, really wrong that a kiss that powerful, so meaningful, so real, so deep, so lustful, so intense, so knees giving way, just so god damn perfect, won’t be ever felt again unless it’s in memory or dream.