Once in a while

If your lucky enough to have a person or persons in your life that spend their time making sure your okay, the ones that would do, and do anything for you. Not because they expect something back but because they care and love you and want the best for you. You should think yourself extremely blessed to have such people in your life.

But once in a while go out of your way to show those people just how much it’s appreciated, as sometimes just the simplest thing can mean the world to a giver. Never take good people for granted.

Dear Marley-Kate

Dear Marly-Kate,

When you raced into this world, I looked into your eyes and you brought a love into my heart that I had never before experienced.
When you spoke your first word, when you walked your first steps, I was your biggest supporter and fan.
With every developmental milestone you reached, I revelled in joy and celebration. You taught me the meaning of love — true, unconditional love.
Now you are growing, what an amazing person you’ve become! You have your own personality, your own thoughts and opinions, and your own sense of humour. You have your own interests, your own talents, and your own way of doing things.
I celebrate your individuality and uniqueness and am so honoured to be part of your life.

May you always know your worth and how incredibly precious you are!

As your mum, it is my privilege to impart some important truths to you.

Be true to yourself always. There is no one else like you, so allow your uniqueness to shine through. You never need to change who you are for someone else. You are magnificent exactly as you are.

Live your own dreams. Figure out what makes you happy and pursue it. Follow a path of your own choosing – not mine, or anyone else’s.
Your fulfilment is what I want, and it will come from following your dreams and living a life that has meaning and purpose for you.

Don’t take life so seriously. Have fun. Laugh at yourself when you make mistakes. Don’t worry about things you cannot control. You get only one life, so enjoy it to the fullest.

Love and accept yourself unconditionally. You will always have yourself even when friends come and go, so make it your best relationship. The way you treat yourself will show others how to treat you, so treat yourself like you would your own best friend. Be kind, respectful, and loving to yourself no matter what.

Don’t be afraid to take risks. Take big, bold risks! You can accomplish great things by taking risks. Living life too cautiously and keeping the status quo will leave you with regrets. Get outside of your comfort zone and watch as that comfort zone expands. The more risks you take, the easier it becomes.

Find your soulmate.
You will meet someone with whom you fall head over heels in love and want to spend the rest of your life. As long as you are loved, respected, and treated well, I will always be happy with your choice.

And, last but certainly not least,

Know that I love you and will always be there for you. No matter what, I’ve got your back. You are my beautiful daughter and always will be. I adore you, and there is nothing you could possibly do to change that. There may be times when we don’t always see eye to eye, but I still love you and always will.

Love you to the moon and back

Mummy x

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How does the world keep spinning when life as you know it comes crashing down and you don’t know if life will recover and ever be the same again?
When the wonderful lady who gave you life, own life hangs in the balance and you don’t know how much longer you will be able to call her Mum?
How do you stay strong, be the rock that stops her from crumbling when her fear swallows the air, you’re trying desperately to fill your lungs with?
How do you hide your own fears, hold back your tears, hold back the screams your heart and soul desperately needs to release?
How do you do the job of your mother when you need her to hold you, to reassure you?
How do even begin to imagine life without her?

Where has the time gone

Where has the time gone, can’t believe we are in February already and I haven’t really written a blog post yet.
January was extremely busy and a tad stressful for me.

Marly-Kate started her new school after months of trying to find her the perfect placement. She loves it, she can’t wait to go in the mornings. She comes straight home, does her home work, writes her blog if she has something exciting or important to write, she than will google places, occupations etc that I’ve come across in my research. She’s learning more everyday and loving it, which is all I wanted for her.
Her happiness is the most important thing in my life. She’s truly glowing and that is the most delightful sight for any mother to see.
We had to take a trip to Paris for legal reasons, I was very unsure if I should take her with me as Paris holds a lot of extremely painful memories, I didn’t want her picking up on those but she wanted to see where she was born, so we packed a weekend bag and off we went.
The joy on her face when she saw uncle Christian waiting for us will forever be embedded in my memories. That moment alone was worth taking the trip for.
While I spent days surrounded by darkness, sorrow, anger, she had a blast playing with her cousin, getting to spend much-needed time with my brother Al, who absolutely adores her and spoils her rotten.
We laid flowers on my sisters grave, visited the house I once owned. It was a crazy busy few days.
Even though I couldn’t wait to return to English soil, goodbyes were hard, at least now we won’t have to return to a place where I only feel pain and sorrow. Good ridden to bad rubbish I say.
Life really has been pretty groovy, well until we receive the most devastating news last Friday. I’ll leave that for another post when I’ve wrapped my head around it a little more.
I’ll see you back here soon, stay safe, stay happy, stay true.

I am no different

Every new year brings new hope, dreams of an awesome year, the best year yet.
The 31st December 2017 was no exception. We saw it out with a bang, one of the best New Years Eves to date. Hair was let loose, worries far, far at the back of our minds, as we danced, laughed, drank and drank some more.
2018 arrived, full of high hopes, determination and the willpower to make it the best it can be.
Well what can I say about the year so far?
It’s sucks rotten eggs. Totally and utterly sucks.
Every day has been a bigger challenge than the day before, with everyday that passes, it seem harder to stay on top.
January 2018 is one big let down.
But I guess that things can’t get much worse than they are already.
So once again, hope teases.

I started the year, very differently to last, I set no goals, decided to go with the flow and not set myself up for a fall and disappointment. I would start the new year care free, with no pressure. I was ready to let my soul dance, sour freely and take every moment with a pinch of salt and not let life’s troubles crush me but mostly I wasn’t going to let other people, other people’s problems drag me under.
Little did I know fate would crash and burn at my feet pulling me into a world I no longer want to be part of. The world that was suffocating my spirit, my soul. It wasn’t even my own problems that were sucking the life out of me, it was the crap everyone wanted or even needed to dump on my shoulders, one downfall to listening when people talk, when they need that shoulder to cry on.
My life is pretty free for worries, I have a roof over our heads, food on the table, money in the bank and clothes on our backs, my only grumble would be my health but I’ve always been determined to not let it beat me.
It’s other people’s actions that have run rings around our emotions, pulled at family bonds and rocked the boat to breaking point. It’s the actions of people whom I held dear to my heart who have grabbed 2018, twisted, turned, burnt, destroyed the beginning of a positive year.
I’ve learnt a lesson, a lesson I wish I didn’t have to, I’ve learnt that no matter how hard you try at life, there will always be bugs at your feet nipping away at you. Kicking them off really isn’t as easy as one would think and not always an option but I hope they heed my warnings, bugs can be fought back at, if needs be.
Every mother, sister, brother, will fight to the death to protect their own.
I am no different!

The Christmas I was named

The tree was shimmering, the house smelt of turkey and wine flowed as Mum kept busy in the kitchen on that magical Christmas Eve.
My mum was holding Christmas that rememberable year, all the family were coming to ours, for plates full of turkey and all the trimmings.

As we prepare to go to Christingle, followed by Christmas drinks and nibbles, Mum puts the freshly cooked turkey in our what seemed to Jane, Alex and I our huge shed.
How we loved that shed, we would spend hours upon hours playing happily in there, we would crush petals and make perfumes, bottle them up and give them as Christmas pressies to our grandparents and other unlucky relations. 😂
So off we went for an evening full of Christmas joys, carols, party games and way to much alcohol. 🍷
On our return home, Jane and I ran to our shed to carry on the game that we had unwilling left.
On opening the door we weren’t met by the smell of turkey that should have been cooling inside, instead we were greeted by every cat from our neighbourhood as well as some other cheeky buggers that gate crashed the feline Christmas party which was in full flow around our turkey 🦃
As they fled from the scene, leaving behind bones where once sat our Christmas dinner. 🤣
Jane and I roared with laughter as we made our exit from the underground feline Christmas party 🎈 Running as fast as we could to tell Mum all about the naughty kitty’s, my feet skid from under me as I fall face first down the stairs of our shed, smashing my nose as I hit the icy path below.

Christmas Eve turned manic as John (my step dad) chased cats out the garden, Mum became my own personal nurse as I covered her party dress in blood and our turkey sat in the roasting tin, naked.
It definitely was a sight to see.
Tears flowed, giggles exploded into ear-piecing laughter and Christmas was declared, cancelled.
So off to bed I go, feeling sorry for myself with my bright red nose.
As I awake to the, ho, ho, ho of
Christmas morning, Santa has come and gone, milk, mince pies, carrots have been consumed, presents filled our front room.
As we sat opening presents, an unexpected ring of our door bell sends us young ones to the next level of excitement. Standing on tiptoes, I manage to pull open the door to be greeted by a gathering of our neighbours, friends and family with dishes and dishes full of turkey and the words that would stay with me a lifetime.

“Happy Christmas Rudolph”

A Christmas nickname that would stay with me a lifetime but more importantly, memories of the not so perfect Christmas becoming the memory that first comes to mind when I think of Christmas past, the Christmas I was named Rudolph.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree

O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree,
Your leaves are so unchanging 🌲

 

 

Adverts and movies, give the perfect impression of how we all wish our trees looked liked.🎄
Not just how they look but the magical feeling of all the family gathering around the tree decorating.
Even our memories play games and make us remember how wonderful it was to decorate the tree all together. To stand back, turn off the ceiling lights and see the beauty of Christmas come alive in front of our eyes.
In truth, who’s home is really like that?

My memories are of my step dad, loosing his cool when lights that worked perfectly before they went on the tree, didn’t work as soon as they clung to the branches.
Mum would be secretly pulling her hair out as we demanded to have our toilet roll Santa in full sight.
How we would all bicker about who’s turn it was to put the star on top of the tree.
It was far from how we all imagined it would be and somehow the tree would look picture perfect the next morning after Mum had redecorated it while we slept soundly in our beds.

Now I’m the Mum who dreams of the perfect tree, the best beautiful memories for my little girl.

Yesterday we decided to put up a tree, Marly-Kate, Rich and I went shopping for the perfect tree which couldn’t be larger than 5ft.
It was hammering with rain and we were as soggy as the field full of trees.
Marly-Kate picked the tree and all thoughts of size flow out the window. Rich straps it to the roof of his van and home we drive. Marly-Kate busting with excitement.
Well it all went horribly wrong from there.
The tree filled most of our lounge and was leaving puddles of water all over the floor.
Axe in hand, Rich goes about cutting branches off, trimming her down to size.
Finally she’s small enough for her position and it’s time to put on those lights that I had spent an age untangling.
Lights are on and finally looking as pretty as they will ever look.
Marly-Kate has a blast hanging all the decorations and we step back to see her masterpiece just as our kitten takes a running jump and lands in the middle of the tree 🤣
That’s when the laughter escaped as the lights went blank, never to work again.
Now the movies don’t do our tree decorating justice.
As I finally sat down last night with a huge mug of hot chocolate with all the trimmings, Rich and I laughed and laughed at the tree with no lights and the branches that are already turning brown and leaving a nice pile of pines under the tree.
Maybe our tree is far from perfect but the memories truly are perfection.

O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree
How dead are your branches. 🎄

My angel standing by

Angel Standing By. 💗

 

I gaze outside my window
And wish upon a star.
I open up my heart
And let my thoughts drift afar.
A tear rolls down my cheek
As I reminisce the past.
You hardly got to live.
Your life went by so fast.

And all because someone else
Made a dumb mistake.
I don’t understand why it was
Your life he had to take.

But now there’s no way I can bring you back
No matter how hard I try.
Because now you’re up in heaven
As my angel standing by.
(Karen Ashley Murray)

I’ve been thinking about grief a lot lately especially with the anniversary of my mum’s best friend yesterday.
He wasn’t just my mum’s life long best friend but he was a father figure to me.
As a young child I prayed that he was my dad. He treated me as I was his daughter and I worshiped the ground he walked on.
We had this special bond, a bond that only death could take away from us.
My mum had the same bond and even all these years later I can see her heart-break all over again as she remembers the extremely cruel way he died.
I have hardly ever spoken to anyone about the man who loved me as his own, who called me princess, who would have moved mountains for me.
I don’t think I even ever told Ross how much he warmed my life and how devastated I was when after months of suffering and pain he finally draw his last breath.
I had only ever seen one person die before, well I found the old gent dead on the toilet. 🚽
This though was a total different kettle of fish.
I loved him, in my eyes he was my father, the father I longed for, my friend and in ways my hero.

Twenty years on, I still grieve for him, I miss him desperately and I would cut off my right arm just to see his smile again, to hear his laugh and to try to understand his very dry sensed humour which I never fully understood as a child, now I roar as we reminisce his jokes.
What I would give to spend my summers in his swimming pool or to run over the sand dunes, desperately trying to beat him to the top.
For him to take me shopping for all the latest music 🎧.
I’ll never forget that huge tape shop he would take me to and I could pick what ever I fancied, it was a music crazy teenagers haven.
When summer would end and I had to fly home, with the most incredible sun tan from 6 weeks of pure relaxation and fun, I would beg my mum to marry him so everyday would be to me the perfect childhood.
When we walked through our front door, there would always be a parcel waiting for us, a box full of pirate vhs tapes. All the latest movies that were months away from being released. Jane and I would run to my room and snuggle up under the duvet and watch movie after movie, roaring with laughter ever time a head would pop up on the screen or a cough, sneeze or scream would over power the buzz of the muttered voices.
We didn’t care how bad quality they were, they were truly awful, all that mattered was they were a gift from my wannabe dad.

Grief and grieving doesn’t have a time line, you just can’t wake up and not feel the pain anymore, it never goes, somehow though you manage to keep living with the pain etched deeply into your heart, soul and memories.
I’ve now learnt how to look back and smile through the tears, I’ve learn to treasure the memories and for my wannabe dad to live on through them. I will never forget him, I will always be grateful to him for giving me my happiness childhood memories, for giving me a carefree summers, but most of all for giving me a glimmer of what father and daughters relationships can and should be like.
Sleep peacefully my angel standing by.