Bringing back the LOVE 💗

It’s been far too long since I blogged, I mean probably blogged. 
So much has happened in my life and I can finally say I’m on stable ground and the closest to happy I think I’ll ever be again. 
The world has spun at full speed, I’ve walked in directions I never thought I would walk, I’ve said good-bye to my favourite run away and found peace at my parents new home and business venture. 
I’m trying my hardest to be the best mother I can be to Marly-Kate, while I’ve opened my doors to children who need the love that unfortunately they haven’t received at their own homes.
All the while I’m doing two jobs while being as active as I can in school life, while trying my up most to stay as healthy as I can.

It’s been a whirlwind of an adventure that’s for sure.

I hope to get a blog post up within the next few days to share a little more with you. May it be the stepping-stone I need to bring back the love, Ice Maiden Diaries has desperately been lacking so until next time,
Take care of your beautiful souls.
Much love,
Rosa 
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This human experience

This human experience is harder than my soul thought it would be. 
I knew there would be hard times, lessons, experiences that would bring joy and love, but the flip side is pain and anguish. 
Bad decisions based on what you thought was love because that’s all YOU have in YOUR heart. 
It doesn’t occur to you that not everyone is the same! 
Light and dark times, we all have them, but it’s how we adapt to these challenging times that make us the people that we are. 

I will always try my best despite pain, anxiety and fear, I am doing my best every day.

I struggle on

Life make us look at ourselves and with every new day, I learn more about myself, be it my weaknesses or my strengths.

I have spent so many years trying to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I’m a tough girl. A girl who  says “I dont give a fuck what anyone thinks”, a girl who says “yeah whatever” but in reality I’m soft, to bloody soft. 

I have always worried about what people think, about the person that I am, about whether or not people like me. I struggle with new people and even those that are close. 

I build defences and push away, I go quiet and may come across as rude, bolshy or stuck up but in reality it’s shyness wrapped in defences.

I panic when asked about the future and I don’t make plans through fear of not delivering. I believe they call that anxiety. 

I am spontaneous or rather I do spontaneous because I’m looking to far ahead sets me on edge. 
I live for the here and now in detriment to the future.

I achieve mostly what I start and have high standards when it comes to myself, almost to the point sometimes I could be pushing pedantic. Yet there is so much I don’t acheive through the fear to start. 

I can go from positive to doubt in the blink of on eyelid. I especially doubt myself given the time to think and it makes me a terrible procrastinator so always function best when kept busy. However if you tell me I can’t do something I’ll often go out my way to prove I can.

I’ve always try to do  better in myself, rather than being content and thus never satisfied and always beating myself up. This is especially true when it comes to providing for others. I want to give the best to those I love because it makes me feel good and get frustrated when I can’t.

But when the day is over and the new day is dawning, I struggle on.

Strangely comforting

There is something strangely comforting about the way I have to sleep.
Laying kinda on my side, one arm about my head under the pillow where I hold a sleeve of a onesie I was once brought as a present.🎁
The other arm is wrapped tightly around a cushion I was once made, my blanket, duvet and necklace griped tightly in my hand drawn up close to my face.
I’ve tried and tried so many time to drift off to sleep in many different ways, sleep never comes.
Though I don’t wish to sleep this way, it’s also strangely comforting.

Where has the time gone

Where has the time gone, can’t believe we are in February already and I haven’t really written a blog post yet.
January was extremely busy and a tad stressful for me.

Marly-Kate started her new school after months of trying to find her the perfect placement. She loves it, she can’t wait to go in the mornings. She comes straight home, does her home work, writes her blog if she has something exciting or important to write, she than will google places, occupations etc that I’ve come across in my research. She’s learning more everyday and loving it, which is all I wanted for her.
Her happiness is the most important thing in my life. She’s truly glowing and that is the most delightful sight for any mother to see.
We had to take a trip to Paris for legal reasons, I was very unsure if I should take her with me as Paris holds a lot of extremely painful memories, I didn’t want her picking up on those but she wanted to see where she was born, so we packed a weekend bag and off we went.
The joy on her face when she saw uncle Christian waiting for us will forever be embedded in my memories. That moment alone was worth taking the trip for.
While I spent days surrounded by darkness, sorrow, anger, she had a blast playing with her cousin, getting to spend much-needed time with my brother Al, who absolutely adores her and spoils her rotten.
We laid flowers on my sisters grave, visited the house I once owned. It was a crazy busy few days.
Even though I couldn’t wait to return to English soil, goodbyes were hard, at least now we won’t have to return to a place where I only feel pain and sorrow. Good ridden to bad rubbish I say.
Life really has been pretty groovy, well until we receive the most devastating news last Friday. I’ll leave that for another post when I’ve wrapped my head around it a little more.
I’ll see you back here soon, stay safe, stay happy, stay true.

No need to grumble

Life with all its twists and turns rushes forward leaving you wondering where the year has gone.
I can’t believe we are half way through November already.
Is it the fact I’m growing older that time moves faster than before or is it that life is a rat race, were modern living is always on fast forward and constantly busy?
I took a week out last week, a week at my Mum and dads farm, life even though manic always seems calmer at the Farm, I don’t really know why as my dad never seems to stop and his list of jobs to do never lessens, only grows.
As Marly-Kate undergoes the best education, learning the land, old farming traditions while covered head to toe in mud, soaked from the rain and chilled to the bone, she’s delightfully happy spending every waking moment by her granddads side.
Life is stress free, a total breath of fresh air, it’s a shame that we had to return to the four walls we hope one day to call home.
It’s not that we don’t like where we live, we are surrounded by fields, a few neighbors whom mainly seem to be friendly. 8 miles to one side of the helmet we have a gorgeous city, with the most enchanting cathedral, a miss match of cobbled streets and cute shops along with all the big shops most people don’t seem to be able to live without, in the other direction a small town with a park and river that Marly-Kate loves playing to her heart’s content in. A train ride to my home town Brighton, where we can get a fix of the sea air and visit all our friends who are our extended family.
The only trouble with being back in these four walls is, everyday stresses that comes with running a family home, school meetings to hopefully get Marly-Kate back in school or even move her to a different school and of course all those Hospital appointments that I dread.
In truth though, I’ve felt quite well the last week or so, be it from the lack of stress or for what ever reason, it’s been bliss.
All in all, life is ticking by nicely, I have no reason to grumble, even my favourite show is back on tv so I can snuggle under a blanket with a hot chocolate and day-dream about how extremely hot the main character is and how life would have been living all those centuries ago.
Of course my heart still aches more than I wish it would, but I’m putting one foot in front of the other and getting on with life the best I can.
Life is far from where I wish it was but I’m surviving and making the most of the time I have with the people I hold dear.

Vanished

Where o where is the time going?
With a blink of the eye, a week seems to just vanish. A week that I achieved absolutely jack.
I have no idea where it went or even what I did, all I know is it was a painful one and a week to be grateful to the wonderful people in my life.
Without them my darling daughter would have gone crazy with boredom.
There is only so much one person can take, watching their world in pain.
All I can say, is god damn you teeth and dentist.
My one and only wisdom tooth has been giving me so much pain that I’ve been in a constant morphine state, which brought with it vomiting like I’ve never experienced before. 🤢
Thankfully yesterday he took the bugger out and omg the pain now is worse than before. 😫
But it’s out and healing.
I’ve forgotten how food tastes, I’ve been dreaming of coffee ☕️ and screaming at the so-called greater good to give me a rest bite from toothache.
Why on earth do they call it toothache? It should be called torture of the worst degree.
I swear blind that it has to be the worst physical pain out there. How can one tiny tooth, hurt your entire head, even you eye sockets feel like someone has them in a vice, tightening it every millisecond. Your ears feel like they are bleeding with the pressure, everything about it, is awful.
What gets to me the most is, it’s not even through lack of caring for them, I have always taken get care of my teeth, I’ve spent a small fortune having them capped, along with that dreaded six month check up and hygienist visit.
All I can say is thank goodness for denplan.

After seeing the price of dental work it’s no wonder that we live in a generation of bad teeth.
Your teeth are so important and we see more and more people with stained brown smiles.
It’s a sad state of affairs, truly it is.
I’m more than grateful for the NHS, I would be lost without it but even the nhs dentists charge the earth for a filling. People just can’t afford to pay to keep their smiles up together.
It’s beyond sad.
It’s almost like we have taken a trip back to the Victorian times, were only the rich could have that beautiful white teethed smile.
How can the world change by the day as we soar into a future of the most amazing inventions and still we have people who can’t afford to visit the dentist, not only that, but we have the working class using food banks. ☹️
What is becoming of us and what on earth does this world hold for our future generations?
Free Dental Treatment Please 😜