People always tell me I’m built to love but in true honesty I’m scared, scared to love, scared to love myself and scared to feel loved.
It’s a constant viscous circle.
It’s funny because a circle is unbreakable unlike my heart, my self worth and my spirit.
Even though I loved deeper, more soulfully than I ever loved before, all the while I was terrified of the feelings, of loving that person with flaws and all, for allowing him to love me and my flaws.
Was I ever worthy of his love?
Was he worthy of my love ?
Is anyone worthy of a love so incredibly deeply soulful?
Unanswerable questions, ones that run rings around my mind, at a trillion miles an hour.
With all my friends settled or settling down, getting married and living out their happy ever after, I’m often asked when will it be my time.
My answer is a simple and pretty blunt one.
It’s funny because I once saw marriage as an escape, an escape from an unhappy home, an escape from my stepfather. My ticket out.
After many years of being so very unhappily married to a man who made me feel unlovable, weak and just damn right disgusting, I lost all faith in that happy ever after, that we all have been told about since before we could even string two words together. (Fairytales have a lot to answer to.)
I honestly believed that I would never find love, let alone that glorious happy ever after we all dream about.
In truth though I found it, I wholeheartedly found a love so mind blowing, it took every spec of air out of my lungs. It raced around my vains and my heart pumped faster than ever before.
I sincerely believe not many people get to find love like we once had, a love so intense it completes and destroys every single part of you.
A love of a life time or many lifetimes.
I would have married him in a heartbeat. I was so very much looking forward to growing old together and dying in each other’s arms. Spending our lives, loving each other.
So when that question comes over and over again, along with,
“When are you going to finally hook up with someone even if it’s just a one night stand?”
My answer is the simplest
“I’m not and I won’t!!!”
Because when you feel love so incredibly deeply, even if it isn’t returned, you would rather be stuck on the shelf for eternity than spent time or your bed with anyone else!!!
Life has taken me on many different roads of discovery over the last few years.
I’ve learnt so much about myself, my character, my dreams, my understanding, but most of all about my will power.
You see, this space right here has been my run to, for when I needed to let all my sadness and happiness out.
It has been my safe place, a place where I felt I could express my deepest feelings and all those emotions that swirl continually around my head. A place I could truly show how very broken my heart and soul was/is.
A place I could grow, a place I could reflect and a place I could have/find a voice.
An unknown place. The place I needed to survive when trying desperately to heal.
Out of the blue, it dawned on me that maybe it wasn’t a good idea, that maybe it was holding me back from healing and moving on.
So with a heavy, shattered heart, I stepped away and took a break from my safety net.
I had to try and find inner peace and learn to communicate with the people who were wanting to support me in my darkest and longest years of my life.
So that’s where I’ve been.
I’m been trying my up most to heal, to learn to trust and open up. To find comfort in friendship and family.
But in truth, I didn’t do as well as I should.
I’ve become a closed book, that’s locked out every emotion, every feeling and every connection that I once filled these pages with.
In the smallest of ways it’s helped me but also failed me.
Instead of owning and dealing with all that I feel, I push it all down, smile and continue on.
And even though I’m in control of the hectic life I live, a life that’s pretty pleasant and mostly happy (we all have those moments that we want to scream blue murder) I’m not sure if stepping away has really done me any good at all!!!
Is it better to write it out and own those emotions or push them deep down and never deal with what I’m feeling.
I guess the next few weeks, even months will tell as to how much I once more fill these pages.
Inspiration comes from within.
Be positive, when you’re positive, good things happen.
Spread a little love everywhere you go.
Smile its contagious 😁