The simplest words,
in the world,
A penny for your thoughts.
š
(Step up, be kind and listen.)
Category Archives: General
Falling through
Built to love
People always tell me Iām built to love but in true honesty Iām scared, scared to love, scared to love myself and scared to feel loved.
Itās a constant viscous circle.
Itās funny because a circle is unbreakable unlike my heart, my self worth and my spirit.
Even though I loved deeper, more soulfully than I ever loved before, all the while I was terrified of the feelings, of loving that person with flaws and all, for allowing him to love me and my flaws.
Was I ever worthy of his love?
Was he worthy of my love ?
Is anyone worthy of a love so incredibly deeply soulful?
Unanswerable questions, ones that run rings around my mind, at a trillion miles an hour.
On the shelf
With all my friends settled or settling down, getting married and living out their happy ever after, Iām often asked when will it be my time.
My answer is a simple and pretty blunt one.
āIt wonāt!!!ā
Itās funny because I once saw marriage as an escape, an escape from an unhappy home, an escape from my stepfather. My ticket out.
After many years of being so very unhappily married to a man who made me feel unlovable, weak and just damn right disgusting, I lost all faith in that happy ever after, that we all have been told about since before we could even string two words together. (Fairytales have a lot to answer to.)
I honestly believed that I would never find love, let alone that glorious happy ever after we all dream about.
In truth though I found it, I wholeheartedly found a love so mind blowing, it took every spec of air out of my lungs. It raced around my vains and my heart pumped faster than ever before.
I sincerely believe not many people get to find love like we once had, a love so intense it completes and destroys every single part of you.
A love of a life time or many lifetimes.
I would have married him in a heartbeat. I was so very much looking forward to growing old together and dying in each otherās arms. Spending our lives, loving each other.
So when that question comes over and over again, along with,
āWhen are you going to finally hook up with someone even if itās just a one night stand?ā
My answer is the simplest
āIām not and I wonāt!!!ā
Because when you feel love so incredibly deeply, even if it isnāt returned, you would rather be stuck on the shelf for eternity than spent time or your bed with anyone else!!!
Three little things.
Three little things you may not know about me.
1ā¢ I use to believe that answers could be found in a bottom of a bottle.
Now I learnt/believe that not every question is answerable.
2ā¢ Iāve spent my life believing that Iām just not good enough, that I will never will be.
Now I can see that no one is perfect and thatās ok, that none perfect is actually perfect. That Perfection is in our little quirks.
3ā¢ I truly, wholeheartedly, believe that, we humans are all, one soul inhabiting two bodies and that you can only truly, fully be complete on finding the missing part of you!
These pages
Life has taken me on many different roads of discovery over the last few years.
Iāve learnt so much about myself, my character, my dreams, my understanding, but most of all about my will power.
You see, this space right here has been my run to, for when I needed to let all my sadness and happiness out.
It has been my safe place, a place where I felt I could express my deepest feelings and all those emotions that swirl continually around my head. A place I could truly show how very broken my heart and soul was/is.
A place I could grow, a place I could reflect and a place I could have/find a voice.
An unknown place. The place I needed to survive when trying desperately to heal.
Out of the blue, it dawned on me that maybe it wasnāt a good idea, that maybe it was holding me back from healing and moving on.
So with a heavy, shattered heart, I stepped away and took a break from my safety net.
I had to try and find inner peace and learn to communicate with the people who were wanting to support me in my darkest and longest years of my life.
So thatās where Iāve been.
Iām been trying my up most to heal, to learn to trust and open up. To find comfort in friendship and family.
But in truth, I didnāt do as well as I should.
Iāve become a closed book, thatās locked out every emotion, every feeling and every connection that I once filled these pages with.
In the smallest of ways itās helped me but also failed me.
Instead of owning and dealing with all that I feel, I push it all down, smile and continue on.
And even though Iām in control of the hectic life I live, a life thatās pretty pleasant and mostly happy (we all have those moments that we want to scream blue murder) Iām not sure if stepping away has really done me any good at all!!!
Is it better to write it out and own those emotions or push them deep down and never deal with what Iām feeling.
I guess the next few weeks, even months will tell as to how much I once more fill these pages.
Just saying
Inspiration comes from within.
Be positive, when you’re positive, good things happen.
Spread a little love everywhere you go.
And lastly
Smile its contagious š
Bringing back the LOVE š
Itās been far too long since I blogged, I mean probably blogged.Ā
So much has happened in my life and I can finally say Iām on stable ground and the closest to happy I think Iāll ever be again.Ā
The world has spun at full speed, Iāve walked in directions I never thought I would walk, Iāve said good-bye to my favourite run away and found peace at my parents new home and business venture.Ā
Iām trying my hardest to be the best mother I can be to Marly-Kate, while Iāve opened my doors to children who need the love that unfortunately they havenāt received at their own homes.
All the while Iām doing two jobs while being as active as I can in school life, while trying my up most to stay as healthy as I can.
Itās been a whirlwind of an adventure thatās for sure.
I hope to get a blog post up within the next few days to share a little more with you. May it be the stepping-stone I need to bring back the love, Ice Maiden Diaries has desperately been lacking so until next time,
Take care of your beautiful souls.
Much love,
RosaĀ
XĀ
This human experience
This human experience is harder than my soul thought it would be.Ā
I knew there would be hard times, lessons, experiences that would bring joy and love, but the flip side is pain and anguish.Ā
Bad decisions based on what you thought was love because thatās all YOU have in YOUR heart.Ā
It doesnāt occur to you that not everyone is the same!Ā
Light and dark times, we all have them, but itās how we adapt to these challenging times that make us the people that we are.Ā
I will always try my best despite pain, anxiety and fear, I am doing my best every day.
I struggle on
Life make us look at ourselves and with every new day, I learn more about myself, be it my weaknesses or my strengths.
I have spent so many years trying to prove to myself and the rest of the world that Iām a tough girl. A girl whoĀ Ā says āI dont give a fuck what anyone thinksā, a girl who says āyeah whateverā but in reality Iām soft, to bloody soft.Ā
I have always worried about what people think, about the person that I am, about whether or not people like me.Ā I struggle with new people and even those that are close.Ā
I build defences and push away, I go quiet and may come across as rude, bolshy or stuck up but in reality itās shyness wrapped in defences.
I panic when asked about the future and I donāt make plans through fear of not delivering. I believe they call that anxiety.Ā
I am spontaneous or rather I do spontaneous because Iām looking to far ahead sets me on edge.Ā
I live for the here and now in detriment to the future.
I achieve mostly what I start and have high standards when it comes to myself, almost to the point sometimes I could be pushing pedantic. Yet there is so much I donāt acheive through the fear to start.Ā
I can go from positive to doubt in the blink of on eyelid.Ā I especially doubt myself given the time to think and it makes me a terrible procrastinator so always function best when kept busy.Ā However if you tell me I canāt do something Iāll often go out my way to prove I can.
Iāve always try to do Ā better in myself, rather than being content and thus never satisfied and always beating myself up.Ā This is especially true when it comes to providing for others. I want to give the best to those I love because it makes me feel good and get frustrated when I canāt.
But when the day is over and the new day is dawning, I struggle on.
Ice Maiden Diaries 