Reminiscing, The Cherry On The Cake.

I spent young adult years of my life with one man and they were some of the darkest, most desperate and lonely times of my life.

Now it’s different…thank f***.

Now I share my life with a partner/an equal, someone who wants to know me and accepts me inside out and me likewise.

Someone who knows my truths and won’t judge because that’s not who I am now and me likewise.

A love where we want to please each other not because we feel we ought to but because it brings us joy,

where we don’t feel responsible for each others happiness but we are happy and content  to just be together.

Where we can talk about anything and know the other will truly listen.

Where we are always free to be ourselves and will forever find joy in holding hands even in the tough times.

His love has taught me that I am responsible for my own happiness but that having that special someone, my soulmate, is the cherry on the cake.

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Bringing back the LOVE 💗

It’s been far too long since I blogged, I mean probably blogged. 
So much has happened in my life and I can finally say I’m on stable ground and the closest to happy I think I’ll ever be again. 
The world has spun at full speed, I’ve walked in directions I never thought I would walk, I’ve said good-bye to my favourite run away and found peace at my parents new home and business venture. 
I’m trying my hardest to be the best mother I can be to Marly-Kate, while I’ve opened my doors to children who need the love that unfortunately they haven’t received at their own homes.
All the while I’m doing two jobs while being as active as I can in school life, while trying my up most to stay as healthy as I can.

It’s been a whirlwind of an adventure that’s for sure.

I hope to get a blog post up within the next few days to share a little more with you. May it be the stepping-stone I need to bring back the love, Ice Maiden Diaries has desperately been lacking so until next time,
Take care of your beautiful souls.
Much love,
Rosa 
X 

I struggle on

Life make us look at ourselves and with every new day, I learn more about myself, be it my weaknesses or my strengths.

I have spent so many years trying to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I’m a tough girl. A girl who  says “I dont give a fuck what anyone thinks”, a girl who says “yeah whatever” but in reality I’m soft, to bloody soft. 

I have always worried about what people think, about the person that I am, about whether or not people like me. I struggle with new people and even those that are close. 

I build defences and push away, I go quiet and may come across as rude, bolshy or stuck up but in reality it’s shyness wrapped in defences.

I panic when asked about the future and I don’t make plans through fear of not delivering. I believe they call that anxiety. 

I am spontaneous or rather I do spontaneous because I’m looking to far ahead sets me on edge. 
I live for the here and now in detriment to the future.

I achieve mostly what I start and have high standards when it comes to myself, almost to the point sometimes I could be pushing pedantic. Yet there is so much I don’t acheive through the fear to start. 

I can go from positive to doubt in the blink of on eyelid. I especially doubt myself given the time to think and it makes me a terrible procrastinator so always function best when kept busy. However if you tell me I can’t do something I’ll often go out my way to prove I can.

I’ve always try to do  better in myself, rather than being content and thus never satisfied and always beating myself up. This is especially true when it comes to providing for others. I want to give the best to those I love because it makes me feel good and get frustrated when I can’t.

But when the day is over and the new day is dawning, I struggle on.

Magical, mystery tour

I’ve always been the kind of girl who’s always needed to know the answers to the most impossible questions.
As a young child, teenager and into adulthood I would sit for hours by the old pier on Brighton beach staring out to sea, wondering who I was, where I’ve come from and every impossible question that I alone will never solve the mystery’s.
Years and years of not knowing my roots, my dna, but more importantly who my father was.
You see my mum fall head over heels in love with a traveller, who fall just as hard and just as deep.
A forbidden love, a love scorned upon by my grandfather.
They dreamt of running away together, they dreamt of a life filled with the unconditional love, the butterflies in their tummy’s, they dreamt of growing old, travel and the sunsets they would see, they dreamt of the beautiful life they had ahead of them.
They made love under the stars, and they held each other so tightly their soul become one and no one could come between them.
A love unbreakable.
Life had a different path laid out ahead of them as they were cruelly torn apart.
Breaking both their hearts, their dreams and their spirits.
Unknown to my father, they had made a tiny symbol of their love, a baby girl was growing.
Nine months later I was born and from as young as I can remember I needed to know who my father was.
A man I dreamt about, a man my mother could see in me, a man she loved through loving their creation made of the truest, deepest love.

As I day dreamed of my father, the hero I had wondered about all my life.
A man I knew I was part of, as he was part of me. A man who know nothing of my birth, my up bringing, my name, nor my longing.

We were lucky, we found each other, we adore each other and he really is the hero I had dreamt of. He is my father, my shoulder, my strength.

Over the last year or so, questions have been running rings around my thoughts, unknowns have been pulling me to find answers to his history, where he cane from, who his family were, where his roots came from?
The passion for knowledge and understanding pulled harder at my heart-strings and I started on a journey to discover his ancestry.

Little did I know that some questions, can never be answered!
You see I discovered that his grandfather was also born of love untold, love forbidden.
His grandfather was born at the workhouse, to a mother forbidden to love a man who gave her the gift of life.
Leaving behind unanswerable question of who he was, not only that but who we are.
Now I find myself looking to the star lit sky and wondering the most impossible questions.
Will I ever uncover who my roots belong to? Who gave my great-grandmother the gift of birth, the gift of love?

Openly

I sent an email this morning to a dear friend of mine and even though this message may have seemed that I was just rambling on about me, myself and I, it truly was extremely hard to write.
It was very personal and revealing, something I do not do lightly.
I find it extremely hard to open up and let people in, I always have.
I think I have only truly opened up to one person in my life time and he was my soul mate, my air, my light, my everything, it was so easy with Ross.
I’m not sure why, was it because I never felt complete until I was in his presence, until that very first message, that very first conversation, that very first kiss.
He made me feel whole.
When I lost him, I lost myself and the ease to talk freely.
I’m now a closed book, more so than I ever was, I’m half the person I was when I was with him.

That simple email to a friend was very hard but I’m glad I fought the nagging voice to let a little piece of me out.
But still there’s a part of me that feels strange about it, that growing whisper of insecurity rattles through me.
I really believed that I had grown past the point of caring what others think, of others judgement, but still I fear it, I fear judgement on extreme levels.
As I kick myself for being so stupid and self-judgemental, I know I’m my worst enemy.
In truth the email probably didn’t come across as even that personal, and maybe it was rambling but to me, those rambles are extraordinarily hard.

I know I open up a little on here, but every post, is written from the heart to people I will never meet, that somehow smooths me and makes it a little easier, it’s helps me cope with not just life but something so much deeper.
Opening up here is easier than opening up to even my closest and most treasured friends and family.
So with that said and done, I wish to thank you all for being on the other end of the inter-web, for taking your time to read just one of my posts, one that I’ve sincerely struggled to open up in.
Thank you all for being the ray of sunshine that creeps into the heavily closed book that is my life and my soul.
Thank you.
Rose 🌹

It’s been awhile

imageIt’s been awhile since I blogged about what’s going on in my own life so here goes nothing.

With-out getting into too much detail, venesection is still happening every day if not then a it’s every other day, along with the odd bag of bone marrow. This takes up hours and hours of my time, along with the endless consultant appointments, I must say though, I have some really nice, caring consultants which makes it so much easier.
With all that out the way, I still have a job to do, which I seem to get done in the evenings when all is kinda peaceful at home and Marly-Kate is snug in her bed.
After house work and normal every day tasks, there is not much time left to find me time.
Somehow I manage to fit it in and I love this part of my day.
The time to learn and create.
I have taught myself to crochet, with the help from Bella Coco, a very talented and passionate lady whom I follow on her blog and her YouTube channel.

http://www.bellacoco.co.uk

When I first started to try and learn, I just couldn’t get it, it just wouldn’t sink in, until I came across her YouTube channel –

https://m.youtube.com/user/sa8rah56

Somehow it just clicked and now I’m a few blankets heavier, Marly-Kate has a growing teddy collection and friends and family have more hats and scarfs then they know what to do with.
I love making/creating things, it clears my head of all my random thoughts and pulls a calm over me. But the best part is, I get to make nice things, as gifts or just to snuggle under on the wintry evenings.
At the moment I am working on the hardest project to date and boy I have to really think about what I’m doing, I’m testing my limits all the time, and learning on top of that. It really is a joy as it helps me from breaking down and letting my heartbreak take over my life.
The worst thing about it, is I have a growing love for yarn/wool.
It’s my new addiction, I have so much wool, I don’t think I could ever in a month of Sunday’s get through it, yet I still buy more and more, the colours are just so pretty, lol. 😃
At this present time I have 3 maybe 4 projects on the go (I get bored just doing one, I need to do it this way because I don’t always have the time to sit and concentrate on the harder projects, to have an easier project that I can pick up when I have five minutes is great)

As you may be aware I brought a project of a house last year, a mistake maybe as it needs so much work and there is never enough hours in the day, week or month.
But I’m slowly getting there.
The garden is half way there, bad weather has stopped play 😕
My front room is almost there, just waiting on trades to come and fit the log burner and for a storage cupboard to be made, which hopefully will look like part of the wall.
Also my handmade table has to be made, which I think will be a long wait.
Marley-Kate’s room is done apart from a desk which will also be hand-made.
The rest of the rooms are finished in my head but that’s where they have to stay for the minute, I just can’t do it all at once.
I will admit that I have brought everything ready, for the rooms not including kitchen and bathroom as these are huge jobs.
All paint, bedding, blinds, curtains, and other bits and bobs are sat there waiting to be made into something that will hopefully bring comfort, calm and homeliness.
My office/craft room is kinda getting there, just need to buy a few more things and finish the homely touches, for now though, it’s a dumping ground for wood, ready for other projects.

Is the end in sight ?
No, far from it but it’s all good, it keeps me busy.
Just don’t tell my doctors, as meant to be resting as much as I can but life just gets in the way.😝
I think I have bored you enough for one day so I will stop rambling and bid you good day.
Have a good one peeps.
Smile ,laugh, be positive, be happy 😃