Have you ever been so hopelessly in love that when you are together it hurts to breathe.
But when you are apart, breathing becomes impossible.
Have you ever looked into someone’s eyes you loss yourself in the cascading blue pool that is his soul.
But when eyes are lost to yours, those beautiful blue eyes haunt your soul.
Have you ever held a hand that melts into yours becoming one, completing you.
But when your hands are torn apart, no other touch can’t mend you.
Three little things you may not know about me.
1• I use to believe that answers could be found in a bottom of a bottle.
Now I learnt/believe that not every question is answerable.
2• I’ve spent my life believing that I’m just not good enough, that I will never will be.
Now I can see that no one is perfect and that’s ok, that none perfect is actually perfect. That Perfection is in our little quirks.
3• I truly, wholeheartedly, believe that, we humans are all, one soul inhabiting two bodies and that you can only truly, fully be complete on finding the missing part of you!
I spent young adult years of my life with one man and they were some of the darkest, most desperate and lonely times of my life.
Now it’s different…thank f***.
Now I share my life with a partner/an equal, someone who wants to know me and accepts me inside out and me likewise.
Someone who knows my truths and won’t judge because that’s not who I am now and me likewise.
A love where we want to please each other not because we feel we ought to but because it brings us joy,
where we don’t feel responsible for each others happiness but we are happy and content to just be together.
Where we can talk about anything and know the other will truly listen.
Where we are always free to be ourselves and will forever find joy in holding hands even in the tough times.
His love has taught me that I am responsible for my own happiness but that having that special someone, my soulmate, is the cherry on the cake.
It’s been far too long since I blogged, I mean probably blogged.
So much has happened in my life and I can finally say I’m on stable ground and the closest to happy I think I’ll ever be again.
The world has spun at full speed, I’ve walked in directions I never thought I would walk, I’ve said good-bye to my favourite run away and found peace at my parents new home and business venture.
I’m trying my hardest to be the best mother I can be to Marly-Kate, while I’ve opened my doors to children who need the love that unfortunately they haven’t received at their own homes.
All the while I’m doing two jobs while being as active as I can in school life, while trying my up most to stay as healthy as I can.
It’s been a whirlwind of an adventure that’s for sure.
I hope to get a blog post up within the next few days to share a little more with you. May it be the stepping-stone I need to bring back the love, Ice Maiden Diaries has desperately been lacking so until next time,
Take care of your beautiful souls.
Much love,
Rosa
X
Life make us look at ourselves and with every new day, I learn more about myself, be it my weaknesses or my strengths.
I have spent so many years trying to prove to myself and the rest of the world that I’m a tough girl. A girl who says “I dont give a fuck what anyone thinks”, a girl who says “yeah whatever” but in reality I’m soft, to bloody soft.
I have always worried about what people think, about the person that I am, about whether or not people like me. I struggle with new people and even those that are close.
I build defences and push away, I go quiet and may come across as rude, bolshy or stuck up but in reality it’s shyness wrapped in defences.
I panic when asked about the future and I don’t make plans through fear of not delivering. I believe they call that anxiety.
I am spontaneous or rather I do spontaneous because I’m looking to far ahead sets me on edge.
I live for the here and now in detriment to the future.
I achieve mostly what I start and have high standards when it comes to myself, almost to the point sometimes I could be pushing pedantic. Yet there is so much I don’t acheive through the fear to start.
I can go from positive to doubt in the blink of on eyelid. I especially doubt myself given the time to think and it makes me a terrible procrastinator so always function best when kept busy. However if you tell me I can’t do something I’ll often go out my way to prove I can.
I’ve always try to do better in myself, rather than being content and thus never satisfied and always beating myself up. This is especially true when it comes to providing for others. I want to give the best to those I love because it makes me feel good and get frustrated when I can’t.
But when the day is over and the new day is dawning, I struggle on.
I’ve always been the kind of girl who’s always needed to know the answers to the most impossible questions.
As a young child, teenager and into adulthood I would sit for hours by the old pier on Brighton beach staring out to sea, wondering who I was, where I’ve come from and every impossible question that I alone will never solve the mystery’s.
Years and years of not knowing my roots, my dna, but more importantly who my father was.
You see my mum fall head over heels in love with a traveller, who fall just as hard and just as deep.
A forbidden love, a love scorned upon by my grandfather.
They dreamt of running away together, they dreamt of a life filled with the unconditional love, the butterflies in their tummy’s, they dreamt of growing old, travel and the sunsets they would see, they dreamt of the beautiful life they had ahead of them.
They made love under the stars, and they held each other so tightly their soul become one and no one could come between them.
A love unbreakable.
Life had a different path laid out ahead of them as they were cruelly torn apart.
Breaking both their hearts, their dreams and their spirits.
Unknown to my father, they had made a tiny symbol of their love, a baby girl was growing.
Nine months later I was born and from as young as I can remember I needed to know who my father was.
A man I dreamt about, a man my mother could see in me, a man she loved through loving their creation made of the truest, deepest love.
As I day dreamed of my father, the hero I had wondered about all my life.
A man I knew I was part of, as he was part of me. A man who know nothing of my birth, my up bringing, my name, nor my longing.
We were lucky, we found each other, we adore each other and he really is the hero I had dreamt of. He is my father, my shoulder, my strength.
Over the last year or so, questions have been running rings around my thoughts, unknowns have been pulling me to find answers to his history, where he cane from, who his family were, where his roots came from?
The passion for knowledge and understanding pulled harder at my heart-strings and I started on a journey to discover his ancestry.
Little did I know that some questions, can never be answered!
You see I discovered that his grandfather was also born of love untold, love forbidden.
His grandfather was born at the workhouse, to a mother forbidden to love a man who gave her the gift of life.
Leaving behind unanswerable question of who he was, not only that but who we are.
Now I find myself looking to the star lit sky and wondering the most impossible questions.
Will I ever uncover who my roots belong to? Who gave my great-grandmother the gift of birth, the gift of love?
I sent an email this morning to a dear friend of mine and even though this message may have seemed that I was just rambling on about me, myself and I, it truly was extremely hard to write.
It was very personal and revealing, something I do not do lightly.
I find it extremely hard to open up and let people in, I always have.
I think I have only truly opened up to one person in my life time and he was my soul mate, my air, my light, my everything, it was so easy with Ross.
I’m not sure why, was it because I never felt complete until I was in his presence, until that very first message, that very first conversation, that very first kiss.
He made me feel whole.
When I lost him, I lost myself and the ease to talk freely.
I’m now a closed book, more so than I ever was, I’m half the person I was when I was with him.
That simple email to a friend was very hard but I’m glad I fought the nagging voice to let a little piece of me out.
But still there’s a part of me that feels strange about it, that growing whisper of insecurity rattles through me.
I really believed that I had grown past the point of caring what others think, of others judgement, but still I fear it, I fear judgement on extreme levels.
As I kick myself for being so stupid and self-judgemental, I know I’m my worst enemy.
In truth the email probably didn’t come across as even that personal, and maybe it was rambling but to me, those rambles are extraordinarily hard.
I know I open up a little on here, but every post, is written from the heart to people I will never meet, that somehow smooths me and makes it a little easier, it’s helps me cope with not just life but something so much deeper.
Opening up here is easier than opening up to even my closest and most treasured friends and family.
So with that said and done, I wish to thank you all for being on the other end of the inter-web, for taking your time to read just one of my posts, one that I’ve sincerely struggled to open up in.
Thank you all for being the ray of sunshine that creeps into the heavily closed book that is my life and my soul.
Thank you.
Rose 🌹
It’s been awhile since I blogged about what’s going on in my own life so here goes nothing.
With-out getting into too much detail, venesection is still happening every day if not then a it’s every other day, along with the odd bag of bone marrow. This takes up hours and hours of my time, along with the endless consultant appointments, I must say though, I have some really nice, caring consultants which makes it so much easier.
With all that out the way, I still have a job to do, which I seem to get done in the evenings when all is kinda peaceful at home and Marly-Kate is snug in her bed.
After house work and normal every day tasks, there is not much time left to find me time.
Somehow I manage to fit it in and I love this part of my day.
The time to learn and create.
I have taught myself to crochet, with the help from Bella Coco, a very talented and passionate lady whom I follow on her blog and her YouTube channel.
When I first started to try and learn, I just couldn’t get it, it just wouldn’t sink in, until I came across her YouTube channel –
https://m.youtube.com/user/sa8rah56
Somehow it just clicked and now I’m a few blankets heavier, Marly-Kate has a growing teddy collection and friends and family have more hats and scarfs then they know what to do with.
I love making/creating things, it clears my head of all my random thoughts and pulls a calm over me. But the best part is, I get to make nice things, as gifts or just to snuggle under on the wintry evenings.
At the moment I am working on the hardest project to date and boy I have to really think about what I’m doing, I’m testing my limits all the time, and learning on top of that. It really is a joy as it helps me from breaking down and letting my heartbreak take over my life.
The worst thing about it, is I have a growing love for yarn/wool.
It’s my new addiction, I have so much wool, I don’t think I could ever in a month of Sunday’s get through it, yet I still buy more and more, the colours are just so pretty, lol. 😃
At this present time I have 3 maybe 4 projects on the go (I get bored just doing one, I need to do it this way because I don’t always have the time to sit and concentrate on the harder projects, to have an easier project that I can pick up when I have five minutes is great)
As you may be aware I brought a project of a house last year, a mistake maybe as it needs so much work and there is never enough hours in the day, week or month.
But I’m slowly getting there.
The garden is half way there, bad weather has stopped play 😕
My front room is almost there, just waiting on trades to come and fit the log burner and for a storage cupboard to be made, which hopefully will look like part of the wall.
Also my handmade table has to be made, which I think will be a long wait.
Marley-Kate’s room is done apart from a desk which will also be hand-made.
The rest of the rooms are finished in my head but that’s where they have to stay for the minute, I just can’t do it all at once.
I will admit that I have brought everything ready, for the rooms not including kitchen and bathroom as these are huge jobs.
All paint, bedding, blinds, curtains, and other bits and bobs are sat there waiting to be made into something that will hopefully bring comfort, calm and homeliness.
My office/craft room is kinda getting there, just need to buy a few more things and finish the homely touches, for now though, it’s a dumping ground for wood, ready for other projects.
Is the end in sight ?
No, far from it but it’s all good, it keeps me busy.
Just don’t tell my doctors, as meant to be resting as much as I can but life just gets in the way.😝
I think I have bored you enough for one day so I will stop rambling and bid you good day.
Have a good one peeps.
Smile ,laugh, be positive, be happy 😃
This day a few years ago I met my one true love.
It was the first day I can say that I felt completely happy, content and whole for the first time ever.
I cannot sum up or even try to explain the feelings I felt that day, I can’t even begin to try and show you how this man changed my life, made me feel things I have never felt before.
He changed my world, my life and my heart.
He consumed me, the love for him was over powering and ran so deeply.
It was 100% true love.
Here is a post I wrote about the day we met, the day my healt melted and I fall in love over and over and over again.
But what really counts is
when all is said and done
A love like that can never die, the flame never burns out, the love runs deeper than any other feelings that consume my mind and different times and moods.
When all is said and done, I still love him just as much as I always have and even though I won’t admit it and try to blank it out, it’s there, it’s always there.
The love so strong that no other could match it.
I love him, I will always love him.
The last few years I have been writing my own person journal, not for myself but for Ross.
While I was away in Paris and a short while before that, I have written little snippets from each day of our journey together and apart.
This is my gift to him, so the many things he had missed he could see in full colour. From memories, feelings to photos of my life, Marly-Kate’s and mine and Ross’s time together.
At this present time I do not know if he will ever receive these gifts to him, if he even wants to see them. I thought I would share one day out of the most important book.
The 24 hours that we met.
This is very personal to my view of the hours that led up to meeting. My personal history of the most magnificent day in my life to date. The day my heart was well and truly stolen.
Saturday 3rd June 2012.
Today is the day, that I get to finally meet you, only hours to go and I guess I should be getting ready.
Before I do, I want to tell you about my day.
It’s been strange, pleasant and exciting.
Dad and I decided to take a drive to Bognor so I could get a feel for your home town before our big meeting tonight.
In the car we jump, I pod on, playing the play list I have made for our first date. Shaking with nerves, we took that long trip to Bognor. All I could think about was, I’m going to be so close to you and you don’t even know I’m there.
What happens if we bump into each other, I don’t want to meet like that, I have it all planned in my head. Links to give you clues as to where I will be, which I will post later on your wall.
I hope you can work out the clues and this all goes to plan.
My nerves built and built as we took that drive.
Once we arrived in Bognor, I couldn’t get out the car, totally terrified. Dad managed to get me out and what or who is the first thing I see, only Arion, omg my heart sinks, what if he has spotted me and calls you. Thankfully at this time I don’t believe he did.
Dad and I go to a pub on the sea front, he gets us coffee and I sit outside taking in my surroundings.
Panic sets in over and over again, at all the people around. I hope I won’t be this much of a wimp tonight, that I can get my anxiety under control.
Somehow dad manages to get me to walk along the beach with him, we sit and eat our picnic and watch the waves or lack of them. I take a few photos to remember this moment, not that I will ever forget.
We ate ice cream while heading towards the pier. Just think in a few hours I will be back there, meeting you.
Every fear runs through my head on our journey home. What if you don’t turn up, what if you do and you turn and run the other way ? What if you dislike me when you finally see me ?
What if I panic and can’t move off the spot, I don’t want you to see me have a panic attack.
So much could go wrong. There are too many what if’s running through my head.
But I’m not going to let them drill out the excitement, I’m so excited. Tonight I get to meet you. It’s a dream come true.
I best get my backside into gear and get ready.
Until tomorrow.
4th June 2012
Wow wow wow, oh my god, I’m so in love.
What an incredible evening.
Well we finally met and all I can say is ….. You blow my mind, you’ve made me the happiest girl alive.
The moment I saw you walking towards me I knew you were the one, I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Those eyes as they looked into mine, I have never seen such amazing eyes.
When our skin touched, it felt like we melted together. What is that all about, how does that even happen? But omg it felt so perfect.
The fear and anxiety left me as soon as you were standing in front of me and all I could feel was over powering love.
There are just no words to even begin to explain how you made my heart swell and made me float off into heaven 😉
All I know is I want that over and over.
I knew it before, but now there is no dealt at all that I have found my soul mate. You incredible babes. I’m so madly, passionately in love with you.
I can’t wait to be with you again.
Ice Maiden Diaries 