Worth the tears, every single one – my life my message.

imageWe all have in life and blogging, the endless concerns for other’s perceptions of us. These could be from the people we know, and care for or the snap judgements of a complete stranger to whom we’ve unconsciously worked tirelessly to please.

knowing blogging as an empty space where you’re on your own, brings such pleasure, to doing it. There’s no one to please, no standard to tell yourself to meet, no one to create for but yourself.
Doing out of love, creating out of love and not stress or angst. Just love.

How many things have we said and done, or more accurately avoided saying and doing over our everlasting concern of other people’s misjudgements.
I know I do this all the time.
No one wants to be judged.

I’ve been finding it hard to blog about my life for this fact alone, and to be truthful, who really wants to read a blog which once was about love and happiness, to now a blog of heartache and sadness.

The fire in me was crushed, and I think I’ve finally come to the conclusion why. I am broken, broken beyond repair.
Maybe also because I wouldn’t let myself be, telling myself, I’m not good enough, I can’t write, I can’t express myself.
This quickly turned into the thief of my fire, I am judging myself as other have and still do, I was, and still am, constantly comparing myself, we are all guilty of this.
Life has made us this way, sadly.

To tell myself over and over that maybe I can write, I know would not only be arrogant, but a bold faced lie. I’m no writer, I know I’m not, but I am the only me I know, I have passion and heart and hopefully this shows.
I am the only person I know who thinks, and try’s to blog the way I do.
I’m unique, because I’m just me and I write things the way I feel them.

But I do worry about how other’s perceived what I write, I worry about the judgements of friends and family who read my pages of love pain life and learning, and the complete strangers that stumble across it everyday. I worried about the snap judgements of the talented who may stumble across this space and maybe laugh at my blogging.

But I’ve come to realise, doing what I love, what helps me to open up, isn’t a glorious path. It’s a street riddled with pot holes, self-doubt, judgement and obnoxious people.
But because it’s mine, it’s worth the tears, every single one.

Would they have seen? – my life is my message.

imageMy life has always been a balancing act. For all my life, I’ve been told over and over how wonderful my life was/is by everyone except the small voice in my head.

But what if I had given them any insight to my mind, would they have seen all the times I’ve cried myself to sleep because of how much I hated school and the feeling of uselessness it made me feel?

Would they have seen, how much I battle to see the beauty and life in the eyes of that person in the mirror.

Would they have seen, that awful feeling, you know the one I mean, the ache from the pit of a stomach where your own sorrows lie, where your own stories remain untold.

Would they have seen, the chains of regret that lay heavy on my ankles from all the missed opportunities the voice of anxiety has held me from?

Would they have seen the thoughts that plague me every time someone wishes to bring up the future?

Would they have seen, the people I’ve let go because that voice won’t let me say how I really feel?

Would they have seen the feeling in my stomach when someone brings up ‘daddy issues’.

Would they have seen, how many times I allowed blood to run from my skin in the hopes emotions were something tangible I could release as easy as a swipe?

And all the while, people think my life was perfect, just because I wore that fake smile on my face, I sang and laughed and acting like no one could hurt me.
Maybe it’s true, maybe they couldn’t because I was hurting so deeply that, I couldn’t possibly feel any more pain.

My life is a balancing act, of not showing how I feel, not letting anyone see beyond the smile I wear on my lips.
But the pain becomes too much and a tear will fall from my eyes and while I’m alone, a river will flow.

My life isn’t perfect, nor am I, but can you see that?

Memory lane – My life is my message.

imageTalking to a friend about childhood
How missed it is, she remembers every detail, and specks with such passion, she longs to go back and be care free.
Me though I don’t miss mine.
I miss the happiest time of my life, a year of pure heaven, every second of that year I wore a smile not just on my face but my eyes and heart also, hence why I gained the nickname Twinkle.
This blog though isn’t about that time it’s about me trying to remember one time I was truly happy before that time, childhood memories that bring a tear to my eye, ones of happiness.
As I sit here and try to walk down memory lane, I can’t remember one moment in my childhood that I felt truly happy.
I have memory’s of course I do
I remember my wall paper in my bedroom, the names of my teddies that I played alone in my room having tea parties.
I remember having the biggest fight with my mum and throwing every item in my room against the door and the hiding that followed.
I remember my step dad running up the stairs with a wooden spoon in his hand chasing me.
I remember staring out to sea, wondering where I belonged.
I remember sitting in the same spot growing up, pondering about my life and where I came from. I remember the pain I felt, from the secrets that were kept from me.

Who am I ? Was the question that haunted my childhood.

I remember a holiday to Portugal, and walking around a market, where they had children for sale, I thought maybe I had been one of those children as I just didn’t fit in.
I didn’t look like my mum or my sister and brother, why was I different from them?

I remember my uncle who I adored, he was harsher than my step dad, but I knew he loved me, he would give me a look, as if to say, ” I wish I could take you away”

I remember sailing with him, I had never felt so free as when I was on his boat, drifting in the breeze. Even during the storm that took us all my surprise one night, I was chained to the boat as we motored into shore.
The freedom I felt as the wind caught the sails.
I guess that’s where my love for sailing truly came from.
I don’t know if it was ever the sailing I loved or it was the feeling it gave me.
The freedom, the calm, the air it allowed into my life.

This feeling was my love, love that I had to give, but no one felt worthy of it.
It felt like no one truly loved me enough for me to open up and give it back.

The sea gave my something so powerful I don’t think I will ever be able to put that into words.
Now though I look out to sea and feel only coldness of my mistakes, the pain of running away and the search for myself.
The search that I guess I will have until the day I’m taken from this world and given rights to the next life, that I know is waiting for me, just out of my grip.

It’s like I’m stuck in purgatory or maybe even hell.
I was teased with true happiness I mean the most pure, magical happiness anyone could only wish for. Anything compared to that is living in hell.
A hell I have grown to learn to live with.
It’s only now the happy memories that make me truly smile.
Memory lane now is my sanctuary.

This is judgement.

imageGood morning. A new day, one where I will be judged, the day I travel 100’s of miles so that people can look at me and the work I have done and decide if I am good enough.
Some of these people I know, some I don’t, some I hope I never will have to talk to.
But still they are there to judge, and all the while I really couldn’t care if they like me or my work.
To me no matter how loud their opinions are, others cannot choose who you are. The question should not be, “Why don’t they like me when I’m being me?” it should be, “Why am I wasting all my time and energy worrying what they think of me?” So I’m telling myself to
Keep moving forward with life.
Be happy.
Be myself .
If others don’t like it, I’ll let them be.
Life isn’t about pleasing everybody.

Wish me luck guys I’m going to need it.
And also thank you to my friends who have given up their time to come and see my work judged and maybe me getting the award. Either way if I win or not, snap loads of pics because I don’t care if we are allowed or not :p
But you know what, all I really want is him on my arm, him with me, like we both dreamed of.
Him holding my hand as we wait to see if I won but more than that I just want him with me :,-(

Was I right or wrong?

imageLet me tell you my story, one of heart ache, death not just in body but also in the soul.
2013 I believed was my year, I was madly in love and loved back. The greatest feeling in the world. Nothing will ever match those moments, those feelings and those memories.
2013 started with a bang, in the arms of the man I adored, love, and worshiped the ground he walked on. Nothing in my eyes could match those first few minutes of the year 2013.
Still when I look back, I can feel those amazing feelings and memories.
2013 carried on like this for a good few months, waking up nearly everyday with my one true love, his face being the first and last I saw.

Dreams had finally come true, I was the happiest girl alive.

Life was more than I had ever hoped for, I had found my knight and he wasn’t in shining arma, he came in the form of the greatest treasure unknown to man.
If you have ever been in love, I mean really in love you will know what I mean.
Throughout those months, I tried to get my daughter home to the Uk, her health was a big issue and I was told every week, she was not fit to return. Coming from doctors and my aunt who was a nurse, of course I took their word for it, little did I know they were lying through their teeth, they just wanted to keep my daughter there. I was staying with my aunt until she was fit to travel. I have to admit, that my aunt, helped me, in the last few years, and wasnt always, so cold-hearted, I guess her desire to have a child took away all reason.
I can understand this to a level but it doesn’t mean it is right. Their love for my daughter came to destroy my life, my heart and she lost us all.
Due to their dark plans and lying about my C-section which he now admits he never booked – hence the court case, I couldn’t start the life, we had planned, I was spending most of my time in the Uk, because my baby boy was due and  we wanted to be together, sadly things didn’t work out this way and I gave birth to my sleeping angel in my aunts home. Zack was born still-born. To find out more about this, please read my other website.

http://www.zackmarks.co.uk/?p=101

From this moment, my life crashed around me, my dreams died, my heart shattered into a million pieces, which I know will never mend.
I can not go into much detail here as a court case against the doctor at hand, and I don’t want to mess up any outcome of the case but airing my feelings, of hate, anger and sorrow here. I don’t trust them not to use anything against me.

One day in my life changed me, and my life, happiness and heart forever.
Between three people I had my heart ripped from me, and smashed.
The one thing they don’t know is, that a love so deep can carry on no matter how badly one has been hurt.

If I open up here and speck the truth about how I feel, I do not say this to hurt anyone, I do not write in anger, because anger is a pointless emotion, that can destroy you as love can also.

I write this as a question that goes over and over in my mind.
How can someone say they love you and judge you on levels, that only hate can understand.
And the biggest question is……
How can I still love someone who, has judged me, hurt me, and broke my heart more than anyone has ever done. And for what reason?
If only he could listen and turn up at court and he will see how very wrong he is.
Love shouldn’t be about thinking the worst of someone, not trusting them, it should be about knowing that person, from the hours, minutes and seconds you spend with them.
It shouldn’t be about listening to other people’s points of view,and letting your mind work over time and believing those ideas, over your heart, the answers are in my hands, which I hold out and ask you to see the truth and then sit back and realise how wrong you all got it.
Until, you allow yourself to see the truth, you will always have in the back of your mind, the question of

“Was I right or was I wrong?”

One of the hardest things about all this, is the fact that someone I thought the world of, that was meant to love me, changed over night and let his own mind games, destroy the most beautiful relationship, built not just on friendship but Love.
I know the mind is very powerful and it sometimes hard to look past the thoughts that run rings around you. But to me, if you know someone and love them like you say you do or did, then you know that deep down that you can work through the thoughts, talking through things is the answer, not going of on one, on a whim.

Anyway that is enough on that matter, what is done is done, and the truth will be shown.
And I know I can hold my head up high, because I was telling the truth and nothing but the truth.
I  alone will win the court case and justice will be served, all the while, really what good will it do. It will just hurt me and others and I don’t want that, there has been more than enough pain.
It wont bring Zack back, it wont mend my heart.

Looking back.

imageSo we are a good few days into 2014 and all I can say is not much different from 2013. As they say same shit different year.
In all honesty hasn’t been that bad of a year so far. Had a funny old day yesterday, lots of giggles were had.

So what have I learnt from the year 2013.
Well it’s rather a lot.

I have learnt the true meaning of love friendship and trust.
I have to say that 2013 was somehow the best and worst year of my life.
How can that be?

The beginning was amazing, beyond words.
I was happier than I have ever been and maybe ever will be.
The end though was the most distressing, heart breaking, soul crushing, traumatic time I have ever lived through.
On a positive note though I learnt never to give my heart and soul to anyone.
To put someone first before anyone else.
Yes at the time I was doing the right thing and if I could turn back time and do it all again I would because the feelings/love was/is so strong that I couldn’t stop myself if I tried.
But I know now that giving your life to another only destroys you and love hurts in so many different ways.
My advice to you all is the only love you need is the love for yourself, without that, how do you ever come close to another loving you.

I have learnt that when someone tells you they love you, that, that may not really be the case ( my next blog will run deeper into this and you may see why 2013 broke me, the truth of my situation will under covered )

I have also learnt that friendship either from friends, loved ones or family is a funny old game, are they really there for you, do they really care, or are they just being nosie?
Once again I will uncover more of this in my next blog.

As for family.
I’ve learnt that family is not all it seems to be.
Are these people not meant to be there, help you and love you?
Are they not meant to stand by you and support you, not break your trust, love and life.
Please don’t get me wrong, parts of family have been fantastic over the last month or so but others, well I learnt a lot about you all and I hope that karma will find you, as they say what goes around comes around.
I know for one lady that 2014 will be the year, that karma will kick your ass and you will feel maybe if your heart allows it to feel at all, just a pinch of the pain you have caused me, my daughter and others I can not name.
And as I sit here and kick myself for feeling sorry for you because no matter what you are family and I personally do not want to bring pain upon you or your life, but justice has to be served (I’m sorry.)

2013 also brought me a new job, new skills.
Training in these was a joy, it kept my mind busy and I passed with flying colours, not sure how but I did.
I can’t say it’s my calling or I enjoy it that much, but it keeps my mind busy, for now that is a blessing.

Until later, I will leave you with this ……

You will never truly understand something until it actually happens to you.
This is my life, my feelings, my heart, I don’t except you to understand my love or soul but if my journey, my life can help you in someway, I guess my pain, love and heartbreak has some meaning.

Jumping ahead …… My life is my message.

imageJumping forward a good 10 years ( I will fill in the gaps I promise.)
I’m now working for a company in London, designing fashion shows, but this blog is not about that.
It’s personal.
It’s about a very rough time in my life.
From a rocky relationship, my sister dying, falling pregnant, meeting Ross to giving birth to my beautiful daughter Marly-Kate.

I go for that all important interview that starts of a spiral of bad events.
I get the job, now looking back I wish I hadn’t taken it, even though a few things have come from me slugging my guts out, I have lost everything mainly because of it.

At my interview I met this guy and he asks me out on a date.
I think why not, I have nothing to lose, it’s just a date after all. Nothing ever seems to come of them. Maybe that’s down to my walls being to high and not letting people in.
Well the date went ok and we ended up dating for a short while.
Matt later became the blood father of Marly-Kate.
In the short time we dated, he cheated and cheated more behind my back.
I just took it, I guess I just didn’t care enough to let it upset me.
We were more friends than partners, and yes I was wrong for the reasons I stayed with him, I was lonely in a strange city.
We draw further and further apart, which I wasn’t to bothered about, I sank my head into work, which caused problems.
Then the worst thing happened, I got a call saying my beloved sister had passed away.
Shock took over and heart-break.
Jane was not just a sister but one of my best friends.
I flew to Paris to be with my family.
Journeys to Paris always since have been hard, I now can not stand to be there.
Matt flaw out a few days later, he knew I did not want him there, which proved to be the end of that relationship.
I told him to leave as I had to be with my family who needed me more than him.
And then I find out I’m pregnant, now that was a shock and a half. And if I’m honest, could not have come at a worse time.
My life was an emotional roller coaster at this time.
I decided to do the right thing and try to work things out with matt, we tried for a few weeks but on returning to his after work, I found him making out with one of the women I work with.
Last straw, I was gone.
There was a little more to my leaving than that, I had become friends with this amazing guy on Facebook, we spoke most days and there was a connection there, that I hadn’t felt with anyone in the past. This guy was incredible, he made me laugh and smile and forget all my worries.
He was my knight. He saved me from a dark place, and just from words, as yet we hadn’t met.
Within weeks, feelings of friendship had turned to much more, feelings I have never felt before, and did not understand.
Yes I was falling in love with him.
I can hear you now saying

” how when you have never met”

That didn’t matter, to me it’s about what lies deep within a person’s soul, the personality.
It’s where the true beauty lie.
I was totally crazy about him, and still am but more so.

Anyway months go by and I have to return to Paris. I’m leaving work to have the baby and have to sign off paperwork relating to a show.
Work all finished with and I’m all ready to return to England, to have the date I have longed for.
And then my waters break, 10 weeks early, within hours Marly-Kate was born.

She was taken away, without me even seeing her, I was left alone to wonder what was happening to the tiny baby girl I had given birth to.
I can’t express to you the fear I felt for the hours I was left alone, not knowing what was happening.
All I wanted was to see her, for Ross to be with me, I longed for him to be with me.
Finally I was allowed to she her.
Sitting by Marly-Kate’s incubator, watching her struggle to breath, fighting to stay alive, my thoughts run wild, how could I make something so beautiful, tiny and perfect. As I gazed at her, one wish comes to mind, how I wish that she was Ross’s, that he could be sat here, finger in her hand, smile on his face, knowing he is her daddy.
She was so desperately ill and I needed him to be with us.
I wanted him with us.
Months went by and Marly-Kate became worse, she fought everyday to stay alive. She’s a true fighter. She never gave up.
Ross was always there, throughout the bad and the good times, my hero, he was suffering too, not being able to be with us.
Life was hard really hard, living in a hospital, day in day out.
No wonder depression set in, which has been a nightmare in my life ever since.
Marly-Kate is healthier than she has ever been.
And in time she will grow stronger and I know she will never give up her fight. She one brave little princess.
Maybe she should teach mummy how to be so strong.

DJ with a twist….. My life is my message

catwalkPoster_t670As my hard drive is going to get recovered, sorry you still have to wait for my work blog, in the, My life is my message, category. Won’t be long now.

So I thought I would give you a little in sight of what I do, well did. For the people that don’t know already I worked designing fashion shows, from start to finish.

So let me tell you how it is done.

There are a few ways, that we are handed a show, either a design would contact us, show us a line and we would have to work around the design they give us, to be honest this bores me and I have not got involved with many of these, the rules a strict and you do not have the freedom to create.

The other way is, that you have totally freedom, this is normally the case with charity events, and my passion lies here. Total freedom to design and use your mind to its limit, I will say this doesn’t always go down well, if you go a little to far out there.

I will talk you through this way of designing a show.

First things first you come up with a theme, you either can do this alone or you can work with the charity in hand.

Normally I would come up with two or three themes, ideas and put this before the board. They would consult and pick what they would like to go for.

So let me pick a theme for you, so I can show you how this is done.

Lets go with “Mods and Rockers “ a fantastic era so I’m told.

The mods and rockers were two rival ‘tribes’ in the sixties. They believed in different value and fashion ideals. It was the mods obsession with style, which severely contrasted with the Rockers’ love of leather and motorbikes.

Mods were known for being stuck-up and snobby, while trying to emulate the middle-class with their choice of style. Mod boys wore tailor-made suits with neat narrow trousers and pointed shoes, which were later nicknamed winklepickers, while the girls played up to a boyish image by darkening their eyes and cutting their hair short. Female mods dressed like men wherever possible, championing short haircuts, their boyfriend’s trousers and shirts, flat shoes and very little make-up. Pale foundation with brown eye shadow was the look of choice, accompanied with false eyelashes and pale pink lipstick. The Mods also adopted styles from both Italian and French styles to try and make them stand out from the crowd, and to combat the rockers who in their opinion were stuck in a 1950s time warp, with their American greaser look and love of leather.

Males loved to wear thin ties, tailor made suits, v-neck jumpers and had hairstyles which imitated the look of the French Nouvelle Vague cinema actors of the era, such as Jean-Paul Belmondo.

A few of the mods even went against the norms of the era by wearing eyeliner, lipstick and eye shadow, again to make them stand out from the crowd. They were immaculate and well presented in the way they dressed themselves each day, which was in stark contrast to the Rockers of the period.

Rockers loved to champion leather jackets too and slick back their hair with grease, which was an evolution of the Teddy Boy look sported in the 50s. Their love was Rock and Roll, championing Elvis Presley as their idol and rejecting any ideas of fashion. They were often described as a British version of the Hell’s Angels with their scruffy, masculine and ‘bad boy’ image, they were about as far removed as they could get from the mods.

Rockers and their style was practicality rather than what was in style, wearing heavily decorated leather jackets often customized with metal studs, patches and pins. (Cool)

The only fashionable element to their whole attire was their white silk scarf they wore when riding on their hog, complete with open face helmet and aviator goggles.

Levi’s jeans, leather trousers and Daddy-O-style shirts were popular among the young rockers, while their elaborate hairstyle was kept in place with Brylcreem pomade.

So there you have it we have our style, now to track down a designers, ( I prefer working with very small companies, that want to get noticed, putting their clothes into a show is a great way to get noticed.)

Lots of phone calls later, meeting and looking at clothes, sometimes when working with a good designer they even let you try them on, a great bonus, if you ask me.

Next up, book a venue, in charity shows we normally put on a dinner dance as well. So a hotel or a club has been our favorites to date. I don’t really get involved in this part, so really can’t tell you much more about that part. Bonsus with a club the dj is already there.

Hotels dj’s and sound systems have to be booked.

So onto designing the stage/Catwalk.

Mainly we would go the standard Catwalk just the straight walk. Most companies would use the floor a marked out area, where the models will walk, sorry but I find that just boring, isn’t it our jobs to entertain the paying guests.

I would normally have a stage built with would house lighting and the theme brought into the stage, (Pictures will be added to my work blog to show you what I mean)

Getting this right is properly the hardest part of the job, but you have to get it right, it all has to flow together to make the over all look work.

FloorPlan

Once done and in the making, its on to the fun part, and where I get my name “DJ with a twist”

Sound track time whoop, love this part, get to listen to music for days and get paid for it. Can’t beat that can you.

Researching starts on the theme at hand, so Mods and Rockers.

The rockers were big fans of 1950’s Rock and Roll, and favored white American artists such as Elvis Presley, Gene Vincent and Eddie Cochran whilst the Mods generally favored 1960s rhythm and blues, soul and ska by black American and Jamaican musicians, although many of them also liked British R&B/beat groups such as The Who, The Small Faces and The Yardbirds.

 

Mods listened to Ska, Bluebeat and Motown, as well as American R&B, but British R&B-based ‘beat’ bands quickly became a key part of Mod culture: the Small Faces, Kinks, Zombies, Animals, Spencer Davis Group, Yardbirds, Creation and, of course, the most famous of the lot, The Who.

 

Now you have an idea of what they listened to its time to make pick out about half an hour of music for both the Mod look and the Rocker look. This is really important, it has to flow together and it has to be to everyone’s taste, you are safe with the classics.

Classics always work, people can relate to them, hence why they are uses so freely on TV ads. If you haven’t noticed this, I’m sure you will now.

They catch your attention and stay in your mind, you then relate to the song with the ad. It’s very clever how it work.

The same goes for a show, One piece of music can trigger a memory of their visit to the show, a piece of clothing they like, and maybe it may just get them to go out and buy that memory, e.g piece of clothing.

 

When picking your sound track, it is important the you get two tracks right above the rest, the first song has to draw them in, wanting them to watch more.

And the final song, it has to blow their minds, leave them smiling, and singing in their heads.

Simple really, its just embedding a memory in their mind, making them remember that night for a lifetime.

So we have the clothes, venue, music and stage sorted, what’s next.

Models, now this is tricky, models can be a pain in the neck.

Spending hours looking through files for the right look, sizes (sometimes) and most important to me the right personality.

I hate this part of the job. If I can I fog it off to someone else I will. To be honest that is mainly the case.

If you are designing your own low key show, this really isn’t a problem, just use friends and family, use car boats for clothing and the look will come together, you can always make your own clothes to. You never know you may get orders from it and make yourself a few bob.

Ok so the models are booked, now comes pairing them, height size, look and of course, if they get on with each other, models are normally clicky and hot headed, they will only work with certain models which proves hard for us.

With that awful task out the way it’s onto the food and set up of the tables, all I can say here, is it’s like planning a wedding.

I try to tie the food in with the theme if I can, but this doesn’t always work so stick with the classics, roast etc, boring I know but a safe bet, food is a big issue with people, we all have different tastes in food and life so it is sometimes better to play it safe. Just like they do at weddings.

Next up, I try to make goody bags for the guests, something they can take away with them, and smile at the next morning.

Mainly in these I just put a little token gift and samples of new perfume, aftershave, make up etc,

It’s just a little extra, that I believe makes the evening.

 

With that all done, its now down to time, rehearsals and more rehearsals. That’s a scary bit, see all your hard work come together. Did you get it right, praying you have.

It has to be fantastic, people have paid there hard earned money for this night.

9 out of 10 times it normally works out.

So there you have it, that’s what I did for a job, that was my life and passion.

How things change, but keep checking back to see, how they have changed.

Take care guys and have a good day.

My life is my message – A career is wonderful, but you can’t curl up with it on a cold night.

image

Part one

School is over, need to get my self into gear and get a job. I decide to undertake a YTS in care. (NVQ) My mum always worked in nursing homes and she always told me how lonely they were. That no one visited them, that they all had wonderful stories to tell about the war etc.

I thought that maybe I could give them  somebody to talk to and a friendly face to look at, my love for history and war stories, would also be imbedded with new information.
I had also done my work experience in a care home and loved it, got to spend a lot of time chatting with them, taking them for walks and we got free dinners, bonus as I’m no cook. Trust me, I’m pretty useless in the kitchen.
So I leave school, have a fast holiday and start my first day.
Nurses uniform on, my my this isn’t as sexy as all the guys think it is.
What a wake up call I got, when I arrive at six thirty in the morning to start my first day at mount care home.
Sent straight into the laundry room to get clean bedding. Spent the morning striping beds and cleaning. Hmmm thought I was meant to be being trained in care, not a cleaner.
Laying the tables came next, had to re-do the whole lot as I’m left handed and laid the tables up the way I would use a knife and folk, I learnt that lesson fast.
 My day consisted of cleaning, more cleaning, tea and coffee rounds, the only time I saw any of the residents.
Free dinner was awful, liver and bacon, my worst nightmare. It was made worse by the fact I had just cleaned my first bedpan, and no not number ones. I gagged for at least any hour after that.
All in all, this job wasn’t what I thought it would be but I slugged it out and over time I began to love it.  I made time to sit and chat and they were wonderful people.
A few dirty old men, who would try and lift my dress with their walking sticks. Fair play to them for trying. Got to laugh really, poor guys just have old women to look at all day. Dribble and all.
I stayed working here for about a year, loved most of it, the people were a delight to spend time with and most of the staff were ok, apart from one.
My god she was a right old dragon. If she walked into the room, you soon made a fast exit. How she worked in care was beyond me. She should have been running a prison.
Between her and one patient making work unpleasant I left this job without having any idea what I would do next.
So I enrolled in a careers program trying to find out what I wanted to do.
Now that is a hard one to work out, I still don’t really know what I want to really do for a career.
Well this collage course lasted about 6 months, 6 months of pure dosing around with a great bunch of people from all different lifestyles and backgrounds.
Can’t say I got much out of it apart from a good laugh, great mates and lots of hangovers. Got to say a damn good six months. Well worth it. Learnt to massage here, so extra bonus.
So from here I went into retail, yep worked in a shop selling fruit and veg and herbal stuff.
I worked for Apples and pears until I was 18 nearly 19 and sadly the shop closed down, I’m assuming due to the likes of tescos and Salisburys putting them out of business, a real shame I loved that job, think I would have been happy working for them forever.
The team were so sound, down to earth guys, who laughed and joked constantly. Jokes were played nearly everyday and always had grapes and strawberries put in my clothes and bag. No not as a gift but smashed up so everything was covered.
We use to make box houses and boats out back, and pretend we lived in them.
Think I went clubbing for the first time with the crew from a & p. Awesome nights out had with these guys.
Favourite part was doing the markets, loved it. Seeing new faces and people watching as I tried to flog my bananas.
They were good days, I was out of the house and kinda free. Work was so much better than being at home and it put a few bob in my pocket.
Evenings were spent working to.
Cooking pizza, how I pulled that off I don’t know, I can’t cook pizza if my life relied on it.
A tip to you all though, don’t be snotty on the phone when ordering, because you really don’t know what will end up in you dinner 😉
Maybe a fly or some chilli sprinkles added. Yep I’m bad I know, but we have all done it.
So that leads me to the big one, I know a few people are waiting to read.
How did I get into the fashion industry ?
Sorry you’re going to have to wait for part two on this one, as still can’t work out how to get the docs off my old hard drive.
Won’t be long though, I’m itching to share this one with you….. Mainly one person really, not that I even know if he will ever read it.

My life is my message – After all there is something about a wedding-gown.

imageLets jump ahead a few years to my wedding day.
14 feb 2001
Hmmm well what can I say without bitterness and resentment !

It was a cold dry morning, at least the weather was on my side.
I wake with dread in my heart, knowing what I’m about to do, will change my life for ever.
How do I go through with marrying a man I don’t love ?
So much money has been spent, how on earth do I back out now. So I get up and off to the hairdressers, get pampered for a while, all the while I’m feeling sicker and sicker.
Fake smile on my face, I state to everyone that I’m nervous and I’m fine. The biggest lie, a girl can tell.

So back to my mums, where everything is in full swing, everyone rushing around getting ready, the photographer would be there shortly.
Why they want photos of me getting ready is beyond me.
Shouldn’t your wedding pictures look stunning, not half-dressed, lol
Any way, all steam ahead, photos being taken, bridesmaids flapping, all getting their knickers in a twist.
Slipping into my dress, omg its way to big, damn, out come the safety pins, a quick pin and tuck and I’m all set.
More bloody photos, god I hate having my photo taken.
Jump in the car, an old classic pile of rust, that has been in robs family and head to hove where the wedding would take place.
I can’t help but burst into tears as we drive, I know deep inside my heart that I’m making a mistake.
Once again putting it down to nerves, I fog off any questions.
Mum and dad, are all smiles. I’m finally off their hands.
We get to my grandparents house and everything is peaceful, apart from my mind and my tummy is making the most strange noises.
I bite the bullet and do what I’m meant to do.
I wed the man who will make my life a living hell.
The wedding all went smoothly and food was damn good.
Speeches, well what can I say, same old story’s, but robs best man did him proud, and yes he bedding the bridesmaid ( sorry Cas )
We didn’t have many friends to the wedding, all family, didn’t know who half of them were.
I was looking forward to the party, where I could kick off the heels, chill, dance and just be me.
In true wedding form, drinks were drunk in mass.
A family fight, wouldn’t be a wedding without one 😉
I slowly got drunk with one of my best mates, the one person I was happy to spend my evening with. No airs and graces need when I’m with him, just the odd look over the shoulder to make sure robs eyes weren’t burning red. He couldn’t stand Alex.
So the wedding comes to an end and I face a future as a wife, hmmmm, should have listened to my own feeling and ran for the hills.