These pages

Life has taken me on many different roads of discovery over the last few years.
I’ve learnt so much about myself, my character, my dreams, my understanding, but most of all about my will power.
You see, this space right here has been my run to, for when I needed to let all my sadness and happiness out.
It has been my safe place, a place where I felt I could express my deepest feelings and all those emotions that swirl continually around my head. A place I could truly show how very broken my heart and soul was/is.
A place I could grow, a place I could reflect and a place I could have/find a voice.
An unknown place. The place I needed to survive when trying desperately to heal.

Out of the blue, it dawned on me that maybe it wasn’t a good idea, that maybe it was holding me back from healing and moving on.

So with a heavy, shattered heart, I stepped away and took a break from my safety net.
I had to try and find inner peace and learn to communicate with the people who were wanting to support me in my darkest and longest years of my life.

So that’s where I’ve been.
I’m been trying my up most to heal, to learn to trust and open up. To find comfort in friendship and family.

But in truth, I didn’t do as well as I should.
I’ve become a closed book, that’s locked out every emotion, every feeling and every connection that I once filled these pages with.

In the smallest of ways it’s helped me but also failed me.
Instead of owning and dealing with all that I feel, I push it all down, smile and continue on.

And even though I’m in control of the hectic life I live, a life that’s pretty pleasant and mostly happy (we all have those moments that we want to scream blue murder) I’m not sure if stepping away has really done me any good at all!!!
Is it better to write it out and own those emotions or push them deep down and never deal with what I’m feeling.

I guess the next few weeks, even months will tell as to how much I once more fill these pages.


Close to perfection

A new day, rain on the window panes, wind soaring through the branches of the trees, the bubbling brook turning into a fast flowing river.
Nature is at its best, teaching us that he is in control.
Mud sticking to our wheelies as we struggle to stay upright as it takes hold, not letting go.
Rain drops running off our noses, hair soaked, along with everything right down to our toes.
Autumn is definitely upon us.
As we strip down to bare essentials and warm ourselves by the fire, this moment is close to perfection, as we giggle at the sight that we will forever behold in our memories.

Hold on

I’m not sure if I have shared this before, I think I must have, I feel the need to share it again, with two suicides in the last month, friends that are struggling and the winter months ahead that seems to bring with darker moods, I really do feel like I should share a little of my journey. Hopefully it may at least help someone, anyone who feels lost, alone and scared of the emotional torment they are facing.


There comes a time in one’s life that no matter how happy you are, how good you feel and you have the world in your hands, Darkness takes over.
Not to long ago my life was turned upside down by postnatal depression and panic disorder. Lucky now I have mostly beat my battle against these illnesses.
But if my words can help just one person to over come depression and find the strength to fight, know they are not the only ones who are going through this, that you will come through it, I don’t mind putting it out there for the world to see.

Looking back now, I see that my own pain caused many others to feel pain to, and even though at the time, I could only see my own, I am deeply sorry for any distress I have caused. I never meant to hurt any one.

Life was on a good roll when depression hit for no reason, there was not a single trigger, I guess I had been strong for too long and been isolated and out of socialization for many months and when it came to the crunch of getting back out into the world, I couldn’t master the strength to face it.
I will never understand why I fall so deep and I let the darkness take over my life, why I hurt and cut myself. All I knew at the time was every cut let out the darkness, every physical pain, took away the emotional pain that filled my body.

Getting help is one of the hardest things to do. But trust me, it has to be done. I swear that without the support of my absolutely gorgeous, kind, caring, loving other half, my family and friends, I would not be here today. Yes it got that bad that all I wanted to do was end my life.
I see now that life is worth living and the fight to Live is worth it.

Nothing is that bad you can’t carry on. You will always find the strength to battle on.
And if in dealt look at you friends, family and see the pain in their eyes and remember that if you leave them that even though your pain my be gone, you have left many with heartache and loss.
Can you really do that to the people you love ?

Talk to your closest friend or your family, tell them how you are feeling and they will help you through.
True friends will always be there for you no matter what and as I learnt through the bad times you soon find out who cares and who doesn’t. And even though this adds to the depression, it is a good thing, you will see people walk away but you have learnt a true lesson about friends and what you have left is the valve of friendship, you have no more snakes in the grass.

My advise to you, is to talk.
Talk is the key, even if that is talking to a stranger, also listen to their advise.
Happy pills may be the answer to. I always disagreed with those until I was made to take them.
They put my in a bubble which helped me get through the day.
So in a way they saved me to.

When in dealt about yourself, grab yourself a pen and paper and write two lists,
one of what good you bring to others and the world and the other what you think your faults are.
9 out of 10 your first list will win. You can even do this with friends and you will watch that list grow.

The main key is to believe in yourself. Stand tall and grab the darkness by the balls and say NO MORE.

Hold on and life will once again look beautiful to you.
Live, love and learn.
Isn’t that what life is for ?
Enjoy the ride with its ups and downs and remember to laugh and smile, because these two things are soul savers.
Nothing beats laughter.

My final advise to you all is, that when you see a status on here that seems depressed please think twice before calling that person crazy or thinking they are just wanting attention. That person could really need your help. Be a mate and take two minutes out your day and show them your there. I’m sure at some point in your blissful lives you will need a friend to. Be a friend yourself as you could save a life.

In with the new.

img_3906The new week arrived and I’m hoping it brings smiles, laughter and energy.
I’m looking forward with a positive attitude, this week will be a better one. With that, I’m reminding myself, that you cannot find peace by avoiding life.
Life spins with unexpected changes every hour, so instead of avoiding it, take every change and experience as a challenge for growth.
Either it will give you what you want or it will teach you what the next step is.
Finding peace and happiness in life does not mean that you have to be in a place where there is no noise, no challenges, and no hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things while remaining calm in your heart.
This isn’t easy, it will be an ongoing struggle.
But it’s infinitely easier than continuing the way you are. When your positive attitude is working, there will be peace, there will be beauty, and there will be happiness.
When life is falling apart, it could actually be falling together which is why it feels so darn uncomfortable. Consider that what’s in front of you may be serving you in valuable ways you don’t even understand right now.
Life is a wild ride and definitely not a smooth one.
You will find Happiness and you will lose it. You will find it again and lose it once more.
So remember that everyone suffers in life at some point. Everyone feels lost sometimes. But most of all try to remember………
“Life is too short to spend at war with yourself.”

The start of something new

imageGood morning and I hope you all had an awesome weekend and a delightful week ahead.
My weekend was a good one and the start of something new, which has brought endless smiles, laughter and hope.
You see we’ve started our very own little adventure which holds new beginnings and positivity.
Let me explain.
Last week my constants all had a meeting together to discuss my future plans for different trail treatments (hopefully something that will help to ease life.)
One suggestion was to work with a highly trained team to get my modality too better levels, which means hours and hours of hydrotherapy, or aquatic therapy. This has been tried before, sadly with no happy outcome. The other treatment I will sure write about when they start, but they all seem interesting, time-consuming but hopefully helpful.
Any way, I decided to take things into my own hands with a little help from my friend Rich.
I brought myself a push bike.🚴
I have brought Marly-Kate one for her birthday as she just loves to scoot around on the farm but she is fastly growing out of hers. (Sssshhhhh don’t tell me as she doesn’t have it yet. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she sees her big girls bike)
I will admit that when we took are first ride, I was very nervous even scared. It would be her first time riding solo on a road without someone next to her in case she wobbled but in true Marly-Kate style she proved that she can hold her own and how determined she is to succeed. I’m very, very proud of her.
My fear just wasn’t for her but for myself also.
I knew it would be very painful, hard work and I didn’t want to disappoint my very excited little girl.
I had to do this even though I knew deep down that I could be making myself fall at the first hurdle. I knew the pain would be extreme and that I would have to grit my teeth and push through, also there was the fact that I haven’t been on a push bike for a very long time and that alone was a small fear all by itself.
Well we did it, slowly but surly we did it. Through gritted teeth and determination we had our very first bike ride together.
I will admit that it hurt, it hurt like hell, and by the end of it my foot was black and totally numb. But it felt so good, so, so, good.
So our new adventure started and we carried it on yesterday, sadly though we didn’t get any further than the day before, which I secretly hoped we would but as Rich kept reminding me, small steps are the way to go, no point pushing it and doing more damage.
I totally get that but there is that side of me, that has always pushed me to do better, to go faster, to win.
I really didn’t think I had that still in me, I have competed in sport for a very long time, I guess you never lose that competitiveness once it’s in your blood.
I was once a great athlete, with an amazing further in front of me, I guess that still lives on, I just didn’t release it.
I know I can never be that fit, determined athlete again but it’s kinda nice to know it’s not totally lost. That somewhere in me lays the person I once was before I lost myself through love and heartbreak.
Not only that but hopefully that fire burning deep within my soul can be the flames I need to burn is illness into control and I can take my life back.
In turn making my daughter happy and giving her the freedom of the countryside around us.
I say roll on 3.20 when school ends and we can try to do it again, and hopefully get a little bit further, in time get to Salisbury where we can sit eat ice cream and motivate ourselves for the ride home. It’s a long way off but we will get there, I’m determined not to let my health beat me. I’m determined to give my daughter the memories she deserves.
I would like to say a huge thank you to Rich for being by Marly-Kate’s side and support us through this adventure. Don’t forget that helmet this time, if only so we can take the piss. 😝 No really it’s best to be safe than sorry.

Have a great day guys and enjoy this gorgeous weather.
Toodalio 🚲

It’s been awhile

imageIt’s been awhile since I blogged about what’s going on in my own life so here goes nothing.

With-out getting into too much detail, venesection is still happening every day if not then a it’s every other day, along with the odd bag of bone marrow. This takes up hours and hours of my time, along with the endless consultant appointments, I must say though, I have some really nice, caring consultants which makes it so much easier.
With all that out the way, I still have a job to do, which I seem to get done in the evenings when all is kinda peaceful at home and Marly-Kate is snug in her bed.
After house work and normal every day tasks, there is not much time left to find me time.
Somehow I manage to fit it in and I love this part of my day.
The time to learn and create.
I have taught myself to crochet, with the help from Bella Coco, a very talented and passionate lady whom I follow on her blog and her YouTube channel.

When I first started to try and learn, I just couldn’t get it, it just wouldn’t sink in, until I came across her YouTube channel –

Somehow it just clicked and now I’m a few blankets heavier, Marly-Kate has a growing teddy collection and friends and family have more hats and scarfs then they know what to do with.
I love making/creating things, it clears my head of all my random thoughts and pulls a calm over me. But the best part is, I get to make nice things, as gifts or just to snuggle under on the wintry evenings.
At the moment I am working on the hardest project to date and boy I have to really think about what I’m doing, I’m testing my limits all the time, and learning on top of that. It really is a joy as it helps me from breaking down and letting my heartbreak take over my life.
The worst thing about it, is I have a growing love for yarn/wool.
It’s my new addiction, I have so much wool, I don’t think I could ever in a month of Sunday’s get through it, yet I still buy more and more, the colours are just so pretty, lol. 😃
At this present time I have 3 maybe 4 projects on the go (I get bored just doing one, I need to do it this way because I don’t always have the time to sit and concentrate on the harder projects, to have an easier project that I can pick up when I have five minutes is great)

As you may be aware I brought a project of a house last year, a mistake maybe as it needs so much work and there is never enough hours in the day, week or month.
But I’m slowly getting there.
The garden is half way there, bad weather has stopped play 😕
My front room is almost there, just waiting on trades to come and fit the log burner and for a storage cupboard to be made, which hopefully will look like part of the wall.
Also my handmade table has to be made, which I think will be a long wait.
Marley-Kate’s room is done apart from a desk which will also be hand-made.
The rest of the rooms are finished in my head but that’s where they have to stay for the minute, I just can’t do it all at once.
I will admit that I have brought everything ready, for the rooms not including kitchen and bathroom as these are huge jobs.
All paint, bedding, blinds, curtains, and other bits and bobs are sat there waiting to be made into something that will hopefully bring comfort, calm and homeliness.
My office/craft room is kinda getting there, just need to buy a few more things and finish the homely touches, for now though, it’s a dumping ground for wood, ready for other projects.

Is the end in sight ?
No, far from it but it’s all good, it keeps me busy.
Just don’t tell my doctors, as meant to be resting as much as I can but life just gets in the way.😝
I think I have bored you enough for one day so I will stop rambling and bid you good day.
Have a good one peeps.
Smile ,laugh, be positive, be happy 😃

Pleased as punch

imageFeeling pleased as punch today and a little excited.

A few of my friends and I were sat round chatting at the weekend and one of them brings up my broken heart and his point of view on the way I have been shutting the world out since that day my world stopped spinning.
I heard a few things I didn’t really want to hear but it made me open up a little and say a few home truths about myself and the worst day of my life and I tried so hard to explain why I will never let myself love again. One being that I am still and always will be totally a million, trillion percent in love with Ross.
Any how’s, Rich turned to me, looking rather sad as his eyes filled with tears’ ( I think for the first time, he understood me and the pain I have felt since that day) and he said “But you have so much love to give, I would give the world to be loved by anyone, the way you love him.”
Every one that was sat with us, agreed in one way or another that Rich was right and they would give anything to feel love like I have for Ross.

Well over the last few days, I have been thinking about how cold I have become, how I reject any amount of compassion, family love, friendship, I just won’t let anyone get close to me.
I just can’t, I can’t stand the thought of letting anyone get close.
My walls have gotten so high that I’m at a stage where I don’t want to feel even friendship.

I know that has to change, and that I have to somehow carry on living.
So today I bit the bullet and put myself forward for a volunteer job working with children who through no fault of their own, don’t have a loving, caring, compassionate home life.
The job will be working with foster children, either helping them come to terms with their new placements or sat in on meetings with their parents in hopes to send them back to a happier more loving home.

Within five minutes of them receiving my email, I get an answer and I have the go ahead.
I’m over the moon, seriously chuffed to bits.
And I guess I will be giving a piece of my love to every single person, be it a child or a parent.

So a huge thank you to my friends who made me see that even though I am broken, I still have room in my heart to help and care for others.
I know nothing will ever compare to giving the man you love your heart, your soul and every inch of your being but this feels good and maybe just maybe I can help to make a difference in this heartless world.
Here’s hoping anyway. 😃

A little piece of me

imageSo for those of you that don’t know me, take a step into my world.
A little piece of me.

Life is pretty damn busy, with all the hospital appointments that takes up most of my week, to running a home, to play time, bath time etc, etc with my beautiful daughter, working from home and trying my hardest to keep on top of this blog, to trying out new crafts and learning new skills well trying anyway 😜
On top of this I was crazy enough to buy a house a few months ago that is a dump to say the least.
I have taken on the biggest project I have ever undertaken, I sometimes think”what the hell have I done”
It’s a money pit but I hope it will be worth it.

I have so many ideas running around in my head, way to many to make sense of.
I want each room to be perfect, but not perfect as most would see fit, I mean I want it to be perfect for my life, my style but I want it more than anything to be part of me.
To sum up my life, my dreams, my goals, my hurt, my happiness, my loneliness (yes at times I feel trapped and cut off from the world, my own doing I know, a move so far away from friends and family was the right thing to do, so that I can try to find myself again but it is also painful at times, I miss certain friends and family, I miss the smell of the sea in the morning breeze, I miss the hustle and bustle of city life, I miss so much about Brighton but I know now that it will never be my home again, and in true honestly it never really felt like home after I found the real meaning of home)
Back to where I was…… I want this house to represent everything that makes us human. It’s a tall task I know, one I know I will probably not achieve. But it doesn’t really matter in the end, it’s just bricks and mortar. I know because I already feel it, that this house isn’t a home, not to me. But hopefully it will be for Marly, somewhere where she feels safe, loved, warm, and settled.
That the most important thing.
So this huge challenge I have set myself is kinda at a stand still, with no energy to paint or the lack of making those final choices, it’s going slow, my office/craft room is nearly done and I’m liking it so far (I think)
I guess the hardest task is, how do I make it perfect when I have felt/had perfect and nothing ever will be/feel that way again.
I guess for now all I can do it try.

Life is a continuous school

imageDon’t let fear of embarrassment stop you from trying something new. Sometimes we withhold ourselves from novelty because we’re afraid some people might call us silly or stupid. Shying away from trying something new stops your growth and your evolution. It stops you from acquiring new skills and knowledge.

Life is a continuous school.

Don’t miss out on opportunities to learn something enriching. If you think your new project might seem ridiculous to some people, turn those thoughts around in a funny or a disarming way, and go ahead and take the classes that interest you. And if people judge you for it, feel sorry for them, for simple minds are usually amused by simple things.

I have been trying a lot of new things over the last year and I have to say that even though I learn differently to others, and everything seems to take a little longer for me to master until I do it my way and then it just clicks.
Giving my mind something other than pain to think about has helped me more than I ever thought.
It’s has far from fixed me but has given me a little peace. To me that is a very good thing.