Built to love

People always tell me I’m built to love but in true honesty I’m scared, scared to love, scared to love myself and scared to feel loved.

It’s a constant viscous circle.

It’s funny because a circle is unbreakable unlike my heart, my self worth and my spirit.

Even though I loved deeper, more soulfully than I ever loved before, all the while I was terrified of the feelings, of loving that person with flaws and all, for allowing him to love me and my flaws.

Was I ever worthy of his love?

Was he worthy of my love ?

Is anyone worthy of a love so incredibly deeply soulful?

Unanswerable questions, ones that run rings around my mind, at a trillion miles an hour.

These pages

Life has taken me on many different roads of discovery over the last few years.
I’ve learnt so much about myself, my character, my dreams, my understanding, but most of all about my will power.
You see, this space right here has been my run to, for when I needed to let all my sadness and happiness out.
It has been my safe place, a place where I felt I could express my deepest feelings and all those emotions that swirl continually around my head. A place I could truly show how very broken my heart and soul was/is.
A place I could grow, a place I could reflect and a place I could have/find a voice.
An unknown place. The place I needed to survive when trying desperately to heal.

Out of the blue, it dawned on me that maybe it wasn’t a good idea, that maybe it was holding me back from healing and moving on.

So with a heavy, shattered heart, I stepped away and took a break from my safety net.
I had to try and find inner peace and learn to communicate with the people who were wanting to support me in my darkest and longest years of my life.

So that’s where I’ve been.
I’m been trying my up most to heal, to learn to trust and open up. To find comfort in friendship and family.

But in truth, I didn’t do as well as I should.
I’ve become a closed book, that’s locked out every emotion, every feeling and every connection that I once filled these pages with.

In the smallest of ways it’s helped me but also failed me.
Instead of owning and dealing with all that I feel, I push it all down, smile and continue on.

And even though I’m in control of the hectic life I live, a life that’s pretty pleasant and mostly happy (we all have those moments that we want to scream blue murder) I’m not sure if stepping away has really done me any good at all!!!
Is it better to write it out and own those emotions or push them deep down and never deal with what I’m feeling.

I guess the next few weeks, even months will tell as to how much I once more fill these pages.

Bringing back the LOVE 💗

It’s been far too long since I blogged, I mean probably blogged. 
So much has happened in my life and I can finally say I’m on stable ground and the closest to happy I think I’ll ever be again. 
The world has spun at full speed, I’ve walked in directions I never thought I would walk, I’ve said good-bye to my favourite run away and found peace at my parents new home and business venture. 
I’m trying my hardest to be the best mother I can be to Marly-Kate, while I’ve opened my doors to children who need the love that unfortunately they haven’t received at their own homes.
All the while I’m doing two jobs while being as active as I can in school life, while trying my up most to stay as healthy as I can.

It’s been a whirlwind of an adventure that’s for sure.

I hope to get a blog post up within the next few days to share a little more with you. May it be the stepping-stone I need to bring back the love, Ice Maiden Diaries has desperately been lacking so until next time,
Take care of your beautiful souls.
Much love,
Rosa 
X 

Acceptance!

We all live and deal with grief in different ways.
But our destination is all the same.

Acceptance!!!

My journey there is a long winding, never-ending road of pain so deep, the cracks swallow me whole and spit me out mangled, bruised and battered.

A royal pain in my…..

As I sit here wired up to a machine and blood slowly, definitely not surely twinkling out my arm, I’ve started to think about the effect lupus has on my life.
One thing is for sure it’s a royal pain in my ass.
It’s not the pain that gets to me the most, not even the exhaustion but the other ways it changes ones life.
The brain fog is a massive problem, the constant medicated state grinds on me probably more than it should. If those few things are not already enough to deal with, add in the hours and hours that I sit in this chair either having venesections, like I’m having today or the 8-10 hours of infusions which are a 5 day course.
They bring their own amount of stress, pain and the most awful headaches I’ve ever encountered.
The hours and hours I’ve lost from actually living isn’t even worth thinking about, I think I would walk out and never return if I let myself count how many days even months I’ve lost due to them.
Then add in the god damn butterfly rash that has haunted me all my life, the bullying I’ve dealt with, the tears I’ve cried and all the makeup I’ve gone through in hopes of covering it up, which then leads to rashes and irritation. I truly dislike having to wear makeup and now I only do, if I really have to, I will wear a little, in hopes of a miracle, that my face won’t glow.
Of late I’ve had to deal with the hair loss, the handfuls that come out in the shower, or I wake and my pillow is looking more like a cat than a white pillow case.
Then comes the weight loss or gain, this drives me mad, it’s not that I’m vain, I’m far from that, take me as I am or not at all. It’s the comments of “You are so thin” or “oh my you’ve put on weight” not that I ever go above a UK size 12 but when I’m sometime a very small 6, that’s a big gain.
There really isn’t much point even making the most of it and shopping until my heart’s content, as my sister in law would do, I’m to exhausted for that and I’ve never been a great lover of shopping.
Clothes also hurt so it’s extremely difficult to find something that doesn’t make me look like I’m  from the workhouse, I’m pretty happy in my hippy clothes, I was born to be a hippy. My height really doesn’t help when it comes to clothing, I’m a short ass so clothes are already limited.

My confidence has taken a massive down hill spiral, I get very panicked when I’m not sure where I am or who’s walking too close behind me. Be it the meds or the lupus, I don’t know but it’s a mother of all bit..es. I won’t let it beat me down though, I have to try to do as much as I can because I have one little lady relying on me.
The thing that gets to me the most, is the lack of understanding, the lack of knowledge, hence why I’m trying to explain a little of what it’s like, not to rant or moan but in hopes of educating.
With all the said, I’m happy, I’m breathing and one day hopefully there will be a cure, here’s hoping. 🤞
Anyway my time sat in this chair is almost up so I’ll wish you a good day and hope to see you back here soon.
Have a good one.
🌹

Hold on

I’m not sure if I have shared this before, I think I must have, I feel the need to share it again, with two suicides in the last month, friends that are struggling and the winter months ahead that seems to bring with darker moods, I really do feel like I should share a little of my journey. Hopefully it may at least help someone, anyone who feels lost, alone and scared of the emotional torment they are facing.

🌹🌹🌹

There comes a time in one’s life that no matter how happy you are, how good you feel and you have the world in your hands, Darkness takes over.
Not to long ago my life was turned upside down by postnatal depression and panic disorder. Lucky now I have mostly beat my battle against these illnesses.
But if my words can help just one person to over come depression and find the strength to fight, know they are not the only ones who are going through this, that you will come through it, I don’t mind putting it out there for the world to see.

Looking back now, I see that my own pain caused many others to feel pain to, and even though at the time, I could only see my own, I am deeply sorry for any distress I have caused. I never meant to hurt any one.

Life was on a good roll when depression hit for no reason, there was not a single trigger, I guess I had been strong for too long and been isolated and out of socialization for many months and when it came to the crunch of getting back out into the world, I couldn’t master the strength to face it.
I will never understand why I fall so deep and I let the darkness take over my life, why I hurt and cut myself. All I knew at the time was every cut let out the darkness, every physical pain, took away the emotional pain that filled my body.

Getting help is one of the hardest things to do. But trust me, it has to be done. I swear that without the support of my absolutely gorgeous, kind, caring, loving other half, my family and friends, I would not be here today. Yes it got that bad that all I wanted to do was end my life.
I see now that life is worth living and the fight to Live is worth it.

Nothing is that bad you can’t carry on. You will always find the strength to battle on.
And if in dealt look at you friends, family and see the pain in their eyes and remember that if you leave them that even though your pain my be gone, you have left many with heartache and loss.
Can you really do that to the people you love ?

Talk to your closest friend or your family, tell them how you are feeling and they will help you through.
True friends will always be there for you no matter what and as I learnt through the bad times you soon find out who cares and who doesn’t. And even though this adds to the depression, it is a good thing, you will see people walk away but you have learnt a true lesson about friends and what you have left is the valve of friendship, you have no more snakes in the grass.

My advise to you, is to talk.
Talk is the key, even if that is talking to a stranger, also listen to their advise.
Happy pills may be the answer to. I always disagreed with those until I was made to take them.
They put my in a bubble which helped me get through the day.
So in a way they saved me to.

When in dealt about yourself, grab yourself a pen and paper and write two lists,
one of what good you bring to others and the world and the other what you think your faults are.
9 out of 10 your first list will win. You can even do this with friends and you will watch that list grow.

The main key is to believe in yourself. Stand tall and grab the darkness by the balls and say NO MORE.

Hold on and life will once again look beautiful to you.
Live, love and learn.
Isn’t that what life is for ?
Enjoy the ride with its ups and downs and remember to laugh and smile, because these two things are soul savers.
Nothing beats laughter.

My final advise to you all is, that when you see a status on here that seems depressed please think twice before calling that person crazy or thinking they are just wanting attention. That person could really need your help. Be a mate and take two minutes out your day and show them your there. I’m sure at some point in your blissful lives you will need a friend to. Be a friend yourself as you could save a life.

Who am I

Seeing someone you care about in so much emotional torment is extremely heartbreaking and in truth I’m not coping with it as well as I should.
This lad looks to me as his mum, his friend and his guild and I’m struggling to find the right way to help him.
I’ve listened, I’ve cried with him, I’ve said all the right things but still I can’t get him to see reason, he’s still a fragile mix of emotions.
This morning around 5am I lost my cool with him. I said a few home truths that needed to be said, in hope to snap him out of the depression that crushes his normal high spirits.
I wasn’t cruel, I just told him to snap out of it, that life goes on no matter what is happening in our lives. We can’t stop time, we can’t stop rumours, we can only change the way we handle situations.
If only the hands of time would stop and let us heal, if only.

I now feel extremely guilty that I lost my cool and that the tears that welled came streaming down his pained face.
Was I wrong to try to get him to see how cruel the world can be at times and that no matter how broken we are, we just need to solider on through.
Am I wrong to be telling him that life is worth living and fighting for, when most days I struggle myself with that concept, when most mornings I fight with myself to get out of bed and face another day, so lost in grief and heartbreak that I can’t dare to carry on.
Who am I to reassure him when I feel the same as he does.
I guess when you love or care about someone, be it family, friends or a life partner, you have to push your own feelings aside and give them as much strength and support as they need.
I know with Marly-Kate or Ross (when I could) I would go to the ends of the earth to protect, love and support them so without a shadow of a dealt I will do the same for my baby cousin.
I just need to dig a little deeper and find the strength to help him through.

💔💔💔

 

 

 

Imagine  credit to ABC123art