Built to love

People always tell me I’m built to love but in true honesty I’m scared, scared to love, scared to love myself and scared to feel loved.

It’s a constant viscous circle.

It’s funny because a circle is unbreakable unlike my heart, my self worth and my spirit.

Even though I loved deeper, more soulfully than I ever loved before, all the while I was terrified of the feelings, of loving that person with flaws and all, for allowing him to love me and my flaws.

Was I ever worthy of his love?

Was he worthy of my love ?

Is anyone worthy of a love so incredibly deeply soulful?

Unanswerable questions, ones that run rings around my mind, at a trillion miles an hour.

These pages

Life has taken me on many different roads of discovery over the last few years.
I’ve learnt so much about myself, my character, my dreams, my understanding, but most of all about my will power.
You see, this space right here has been my run to, for when I needed to let all my sadness and happiness out.
It has been my safe place, a place where I felt I could express my deepest feelings and all those emotions that swirl continually around my head. A place I could truly show how very broken my heart and soul was/is.
A place I could grow, a place I could reflect and a place I could have/find a voice.
An unknown place. The place I needed to survive when trying desperately to heal.

Out of the blue, it dawned on me that maybe it wasn’t a good idea, that maybe it was holding me back from healing and moving on.

So with a heavy, shattered heart, I stepped away and took a break from my safety net.
I had to try and find inner peace and learn to communicate with the people who were wanting to support me in my darkest and longest years of my life.

So that’s where I’ve been.
I’m been trying my up most to heal, to learn to trust and open up. To find comfort in friendship and family.

But in truth, I didn’t do as well as I should.
I’ve become a closed book, that’s locked out every emotion, every feeling and every connection that I once filled these pages with.

In the smallest of ways it’s helped me but also failed me.
Instead of owning and dealing with all that I feel, I push it all down, smile and continue on.

And even though I’m in control of the hectic life I live, a life that’s pretty pleasant and mostly happy (we all have those moments that we want to scream blue murder) I’m not sure if stepping away has really done me any good at all!!!
Is it better to write it out and own those emotions or push them deep down and never deal with what I’m feeling.

I guess the next few weeks, even months will tell as to how much I once more fill these pages.

Bringing back the LOVE 💗

It’s been far too long since I blogged, I mean probably blogged. 
So much has happened in my life and I can finally say I’m on stable ground and the closest to happy I think I’ll ever be again. 
The world has spun at full speed, I’ve walked in directions I never thought I would walk, I’ve said good-bye to my favourite run away and found peace at my parents new home and business venture. 
I’m trying my hardest to be the best mother I can be to Marly-Kate, while I’ve opened my doors to children who need the love that unfortunately they haven’t received at their own homes.
All the while I’m doing two jobs while being as active as I can in school life, while trying my up most to stay as healthy as I can.

It’s been a whirlwind of an adventure that’s for sure.

I hope to get a blog post up within the next few days to share a little more with you. May it be the stepping-stone I need to bring back the love, Ice Maiden Diaries has desperately been lacking so until next time,
Take care of your beautiful souls.
Much love,
Rosa 
X 

Acceptance!

We all live and deal with grief in different ways.
But our destination is all the same.

Acceptance!!!

My journey there is a long winding, never-ending road of pain so deep, the cracks swallow me whole and spit me out mangled, bruised and battered.