On the shelf

With all my friends settled or settling down, getting married and living out their happy ever after, I’m often asked when will it be my time.
My answer is a simple and pretty blunt one.

”It won’t!!!”

It’s funny because I once saw marriage as an escape, an escape from an unhappy home, an escape from my stepfather. My ticket out.
After many years of being so very unhappily married to a man who made me feel unlovable, weak and just damn right disgusting, I lost all faith in that happy ever after, that we all have been told about since before we could even string two words together. (Fairytales have a lot to answer to.)
I honestly believed that I would never find love, let alone that glorious happy ever after we all dream about.
In truth though I found it, I wholeheartedly found a love so mind blowing, it took every spec of air out of my lungs. It raced around my vains and my heart pumped faster than ever before.
I sincerely believe not many people get to find love like we once had, a love so intense it completes and destroys every single part of you.
A love of a life time or many lifetimes.

I would have married him in a heartbeat. I was so very much looking forward to growing old together and dying in each other’s arms. Spending our lives, loving each other.

So when that question comes over and over again, along with,
“When are you going to finally hook up with someone even if it’s just a one night stand?”
My answer is the simplest

“I’m not and I won’t!!!”

Because when you feel love so incredibly deeply, even if it isn’t returned, you would rather be stuck on the shelf for eternity than spent time or your bed with anyone else!!!

Three little things.

Three little things you may not know about me.

1• I use to believe that answers could be found in a bottom of a bottle.
Now I learnt/believe that not every question is answerable.

2• I’ve spent my life believing that I’m just not good enough, that I will never will be.
Now I can see that no one is perfect and that’s ok, that none perfect is actually perfect. That Perfection is in our little quirks.

3• I truly, wholeheartedly, believe that, we humans are all, one soul inhabiting two bodies and that you can only truly, fully be complete on finding the missing part of you!

These pages

Life has taken me on many different roads of discovery over the last few years.
I’ve learnt so much about myself, my character, my dreams, my understanding, but most of all about my will power.
You see, this space right here has been my run to, for when I needed to let all my sadness and happiness out.
It has been my safe place, a place where I felt I could express my deepest feelings and all those emotions that swirl continually around my head. A place I could truly show how very broken my heart and soul was/is.
A place I could grow, a place I could reflect and a place I could have/find a voice.
An unknown place. The place I needed to survive when trying desperately to heal.

Out of the blue, it dawned on me that maybe it wasn’t a good idea, that maybe it was holding me back from healing and moving on.

So with a heavy, shattered heart, I stepped away and took a break from my safety net.
I had to try and find inner peace and learn to communicate with the people who were wanting to support me in my darkest and longest years of my life.

So that’s where I’ve been.
I’m been trying my up most to heal, to learn to trust and open up. To find comfort in friendship and family.

But in truth, I didn’t do as well as I should.
I’ve become a closed book, that’s locked out every emotion, every feeling and every connection that I once filled these pages with.

In the smallest of ways it’s helped me but also failed me.
Instead of owning and dealing with all that I feel, I push it all down, smile and continue on.

And even though I’m in control of the hectic life I live, a life that’s pretty pleasant and mostly happy (we all have those moments that we want to scream blue murder) I’m not sure if stepping away has really done me any good at all!!!
Is it better to write it out and own those emotions or push them deep down and never deal with what I’m feeling.

I guess the next few weeks, even months will tell as to how much I once more fill these pages.

Valentine

Today isn’t the only day you should show that you love someone. 
The other 364 days of the year are equally as important.
Tell your partners, your children, family members, and close friends you love them as often as you can, life is short and we never know what’s round the corner.

And if you can longer be with your one true love, whisper

“I Love You”

And hopefully somehow  they will know that you still do. 

This human experience

This human experience is harder than my soul thought it would be. 
I knew there would be hard times, lessons, experiences that would bring joy and love, but the flip side is pain and anguish. 
Bad decisions based on what you thought was love because that’s all YOU have in YOUR heart. 
It doesn’t occur to you that not everyone is the same! 
Light and dark times, we all have them, but it’s how we adapt to these challenging times that make us the people that we are. 

I will always try my best despite pain, anxiety and fear, I am doing my best every day.

Someday

Random thought of the day.

“Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence.
When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss.
You will never forget them.
However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound.
It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character.
The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the Good moments spent with them.