Today isn’t the only day you should show that you love someone.
The other 364 days of the year are equally as important.
Tell your partners, your children, family members, and close friends you love them as often as you can, life is short and we never know what’s round the corner.
And if you can longer be with your one true love, whisper
“I Love You”
And hopefully somehow they will know that you still do.
It’s never been about,
the head or the heart,
it’s always been the
soul.
❤️💔❤️
Random thought of the day –
When you miss someone so much,
how is it even possible to
still be
breathing???
Memories are beautiful, making them is even more spectacular.
After a fun-filled weekend with the best of friends, way too much alcohol consumed, and a lifetime of belly laughs that dance happily inside our minds as they turn into the most special memories, I’m once more reminded that life is a treasure.
I smile knowingly that I will never forget the carnage, the laughs, the falls, that are now a forever moment in our minds.
Making new memories is truly a delight, one I never want to stop enjoying but there is always this part of me that will forever wish that he was by my side making them.
He’s the first person I want to tell my stories to but more so, he’s the one I want to make these memories with, he’s the one I want by my side, my partner in crime, my left hand man. It’s him who I should be making memories with.
I’m asked all the time why I’m not angry about how and why my relationship ended.
I should be, I sometimes wish I was.
It’s an easy one to answer!
Why would I want to live a life full of hate and anger when I can let light in and remember all the good feelings that came with our love for each other.
I would rather fill my mind, my heart and my soul with the memories of how wonderful our life’s were together than feel bitter, angry and disappointed.
Add to that, a love as strong as the love that consumes my whole entire being, wins over every other emotion.
A Love that never fades no matter how hurt, devastated or broken.
True unconditional love.
It’s funny how you get a text and you nearly wet yourself with laughter.
This morning my buddy Rich sent me a text and I nearly fall to the floor laughing.
I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in an age and boy it felt good.🤣
The funny thing is, I use to get texts like that from my dear friend Porter.
Not many days went by that he didn’t have me in stitches, he really was a clown. 🤡
I miss him terribly but I will always hold his kind, caring, jaw aching funniness close to my heart and remember that the two people I call my best friends, (Ross and Porter) were the two people who could make me smile, laugh and love life, like no others ever could.
Remembering the happy times, the most wonderful , the most precious times, warms my soul and gives me a little peace in a world that is now foreign to me.
When the days are harder than I let on to everyone, I have to pull strength from happy times, wonderful times, the most incredible time of my life so far.
When I can’t find the light I look back through my journals I have written to Ross.
I find my strength and peace in those times, those memories, those feelings.
Snippets of love, joy, contentment and hope.
These words written with love, give me something to grasp hold of.
So if you are having a bad day, and need some strength, maybe they will help you out of the darkness.
(I will add more as I come across them)
“It’s like a door opened, the world shifted and there is no way of going back to how things were before it opened.”
“That smile always just makes all my worries fade away.”
“Drowning in your sea of blue. Your soul pulls me in, happily drowning in love”
“That feeling, that spark, has to be worth it, right ?”
“I will never forget how your lush curly hair bounces off your forehead when you’ve eaten too much sugar and can’t hold still, just one little thing I love about you x”
“Every last caress and feeling you so innocently laid upon my skin carved it’s way into my soul as the earth makes a groove in a stone.”
Ross = Ross
Owns
Sexy
Status ❤️
“No matter what, I don’t want us to stop being us ❤️”
I heard today, that you will only be content in life if you marry your best friend.
How flipping lucky am I because I’m head over heals in love with YOU and Ross your my one and only best friend.
They say you have to judge a man by the way they handle the Christmas lights.
That’s how I know you are perfect because you would handle them with care and respect, if you know what I mean.
Your carefully pack them away each year, making sure they are perfect for the next year. No tangled lights to puzzle out. Each bulb checked and working. They will be just perfect because every detail you put into everything, always is. Just like you are.
After all the mistakes I’ve made, I finally got it right.
Fate worked its magic and let the rat race slow down enough to fit all the pieces together, US ❤️
The perfect moment isn’t just one, it’s every second of being with the one you love.
It’s being in love.
I’m head over heels in LOVE with YOU.
When you hold me, I know that nothing can ever be bad again because I’ve got you.
When I’m worried about something or just don’t know what to do, I listen to my heart, I listen to
you.
Ross Marks you are my heart ❤️
Every time you tell me you love me, I get my happy ever after.
We should never let a situation slip through our fingers when love can put it right.
You give me the courage to feel.
You give me the courage to love
You give me the courage to live.
You give me the courage to hope.
You give me the world.
You give me you.
I give you the courage to feel.
I give you the courage to love.
I give you the courage to live.
I give you the courage to hope.
I give you the world.
I give you me.
There is only one guarantee in life.
That I will always love you.
It’s all our little moments that gets me through being away from you.
When we are laying together snuggled as closely and snug as if nature had formed us together it’s like we are in our prefect happy ever after.
That’s what we are a fairytale come true.
Our memories are wonderful moments that become a form of energy that make us know it’s forever love.
When we first kissed I breathed in life for the first time.
The way I see it, there ain’t no bigger and more powerful force in the whole universe than LOVE itself.
Love makes the world go round. It’s the glue that hold everything together.
The moment I first felt the true me, 100% complete.
The days I first saw you walking towards me.
It starting to feel like I can not breathe without you in my arms.
We are not perfect
You know I’m not the brightest button in the box
And your a night owl (that’s not a fault at all)
But we love each other and that’s all that matters.
Two souls that fall into each other’s life’s, contacting on level, that no one could ever understand.
Who fall not just deeply in love but became best friends to.
To me that makes us perfect together.
Your always there, you never judge me, pity me, never get angry, always listen you make me smile, and ALWAYS give me butterflies. Thank you baby, thank you, thank you. I love you xxxxooooxxxx
When you hold me, your heartbeat is the most beautiful, amazing soundtrack to love.
If we could stay in each others arms forever, there would be no need for music.
I believe in fairytales, I do, I do.
You’re my happy ever after ❤️
This Love stuff is complicated but if it was simple it wouldn’t show us that it’s worth fighting for.
That first journey back after the first time I was with you was the hardest and saddest time of my life, leaving you was incredibly painful but also the happiest.
Wow I had met my soul mate and you were more, so much more than I could could have ever imagined.
Wow just wow. ❤️
Everything seems easy when I look at you and see my universe smiling back at me. 🌍
I meet the most amazing guy in the world.
My heart skips a beat at the sight of him
The first kiss hello though it was short and sweet took my breath away. I know that instant that this was more than anything I had ever felt before.
The next few hours were incredible
Learning each other, touching, loving, loosing myself in you.
My life was suddenly complete. The most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced.
My life suddenly had new meaning, I felt whole for the first time in 29 years.
The over powering feeling of live surrounded me and lifted me to a new level.
Knowing I was being loved back by the most amazing person I have ever met.
The look in your eyes, the smell of your skin, the feel of your hair between my finger, all a dream come true.
As you held my hands as we showed each other how deep our love runs.
That moment was the most perfect moment of my life.
Heart racing, more in love then I have ever felt before
You my darlin are the bees knees and I love love love you.
No one will ever compare to you.
I truly believe we are a match made in heaven, that our souls belong together.
I love you
Even if there isn’t any sun,
Any moon, any moon, any air
Or any life.
When we first got in contact with each other I never knew it would end like this
Me being so in love I feel like I don’t exist anymore
All I care about is you
I never knew I would find the best friend I could ask for
That my life meaning would change the way it has.
The laughs, the caring, the loving, the naughtiness,
It’s all been a dream
And through your love I have grown and opened up to the most amazing person I’ve ever met.
You have helped me more than you know to get through the hardest scariest times in my love and I will always be grateful for that.
My world, my attitude, my views have changed for the better thanks to you
Now I am deeply in love and love that I am.
I have given you my heart and soul.
I will forever love you.
Thank you for being you ❤️
I know we have our little disagreements, or simply argue for no reason but I wouldn’t change US for the world.
Because I knew the moment that I spoke to you, that we are as perfect as chocolate chips and ice cream.🍦
I felt the nervous butterflies dancing in my tummy as I found the words that meant the most, the tiny words, I Love You. ❤️
When I first saw you, even the air and ocean fall in love, because my love for you has no limits ❤️
For the first time ever I can feel the blood pumping through my veins.
I’ve learnt that touch is more intense than I could ever imagine.
I know how that your heart still can miss a thousand beats and it really is incredible.
You have shown me what being alive really means.
You are the fire in my soul.
You are the reason for me living.
Funny how life twists and turns.
Living through the highs and lows can be exhausting at times, but I have now learnt that the highs are so worth the lows and when excitement and joy take over your day, everything is beautiful, full of colour and wonder and that light at the end of the tunnel is in my hands glowing brightly.
I don’t know what to call this feeling but I know why and who has given my this incredible happiness.
Why I see life as a gift instead of a battle.
It all started with a new friendship that grow into something so special no other can compare. That friendship then fall into love, a over powering love that takes over my world and gives me the energy to flight any darkness that try’s to destroy my light everyday.
With this love, I have learnt to see the goodness and the light that surrounds me.
Life now is worth living, it’s a blessing and an adventure that I wish to share with my soul mate, the guy who changed my life for the better – YOU ❤️
Who gave me strength and hope. You gave me life and I’m finally living.
Tonight was so hard, so so so so so freaking hard. I’m so heartbroken and I just don’t know what to do with myself.
I had to stand there while you got on the train to go home while I got on a different train and we watched each other leave, I was crying so hard as I do every time we say our goodbyes at the station.
In the journey back I couldn’t think straight, it feels like I’ve lost part of my mind, like part of me is missing, and I’ve been searching for something to remind me that it wasn’t all a dream. I have no idea what to do from here. I need my Ross back by my side.
I’m hurting so deeply, its not just missing being able to see you and touch you and talk to you, I miss being able to turn to you and just knowing you are at most a few meters away from me. This is so hard. I had no idea how hard this was going to be every time we have to say goodbye.
My heart is so twisted right now, I feel like all my insides have been tied up in knots and my bones have been replaced with paper, I feel so weak without you.
I’ve never needed someone so much in all my life, but now I’ve felt what its like to be loved and be part of something other than myself I feel so helpless.
I’ve never been loved so unconditionally like you love me, you are the most amazing person on this earth, ever to have lived, you are my world, you are my life and you are everything to me, without you I’m not even just a mess, I’m a purposeless mess.
This is so freaking hard. I need you, I love you, I miss you.
I love love love you.
Sometimes it feels so surreal that you are actually right here. Like, right next to me. You are on the bed and I can look up right now and see you. I can walk three feet to you. You are so close and so real. I just like to stare at you sometimes like when you’re walking, talking, laughing, sleeping, every moment of everyday and just appreciate your non-digital format. It’s like every dream has come true and life is perfect, totally utterly perfect ❤️
It’s amazing how someone can be hundreds of miles away from you, and the mere thought of them still puts a smile on your face! True Love sets no boundaries.
You are my hero. You have given me a new lease on life – this time last year I would never have had had the courage to do half the things I can do now. You are more than I could have ever dreamed of. With you, it feels as though anything is possible.
I miss your warm hugs, your sweet smile, I miss the feeling I get when you hold my hand, I miss the way you look into my eyes and tell me without a word, that you love me, I miss waking up and you being the first person I see and watching you sleep…I guess what I’m trying to say is…I miss you 😢 but only one more day baby and our hearts can melt again 💙
Two people meant to be together, Two lovers dreaming of forever, And it just keeps on getting better, With every tender little pm.
In your arms I see strength, in your smile I see love, in your eyes I see tomorrow, and all our tomorrows for the rest of our lives. You are my one & only.
The voice of a god, I’m walking in heaven.😇
If I ever told you that you were a “one in a million”, I lied…you are a “once in a lifetime” 😍
I never asked for someone who could offer me the stars in the night. Just someone to lay down and watch them with is enough. But I have been given the earth, the moon the whole sky. You are my world and I love you 💗
Ross Marks – A person with whom I have an immediate connection the moment we meet – a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced. I LOVE YOU baby.
Life is for living, I live mine for you. Love is for giving, I give mine to you. Hearts are for beating, mine beats for you. Dreams are full of meaning, mine are of you. You are my eyes, I see to see you, you are my ears, I hear to hear you. You are my touch, I touch to touch you.
I love you Ross ❤️
If you look deep in side you will find, the truth. The only Truth, I LOVE YOU. I need you, I want you and no matter what, I will always LOVE YOU. I dont care where we live, where we shop, if its near the sea or wood. I dont care as long as we are together. I LOVE YOU, look deep deep inside and you will see it.💗
Nothing in this world can take the place of you. I have loved you from the beginning and I will love you till the end!😍
I will love you with every dawn and I will love you with every dusk. I love you because, my heart feels safe within your hands, within you arms, within your voice, within your smile. I love you and I will love only you
Sometimes, I can almost feel You with me. I wake to find myself sleepily saying good morning to you on my empty pillow. When I’m walking, I leave an Ross-sized space next to me on the pavement, and sometimes I swear I can feel your hand in mine.
If its amazing it won’t be easy, If its easy it won’t be amazing… We sure are amazing together ❤️
The sun rose and set today – like every other day but no one knows my world has stopped. It will move only when we are together again.
Good night Ross, you’re in my heart, soul and thoughts always. Sleep peacefully. Feel my kisses in the breeze and my whispers of my love for you. Sweet dreams. I love you xxxxxooooooxxxxx
Don’t use your duvet, please just think about my love and it will warm you. Don’t use a pillow, please just think about my hands holding your head. Good night baby, I love you xxxxxoooooxxxxx
What is love? In math, a problem. In history, a battle. In science, it’s a reaction. In art, it’s a heart. But to me? Love always will and simply be, you.❤️
I miss our play fights, our teasing, our hugs, our hour long conversations, you know I guess I just miss you, I miss us
Don’t count the miles, count the I Love Yous ❤️
I love you baby, thank you for giving me a reason to smile, to get up in the morning, to breath. You are my everything baby. If only I could express my feelings for you, show you that your all I want and how much I love you.
You really are my reason to live and I love you with everything I am. I want to grow old with you and wake up with you every morning.
Promise you’ll hold me, touch me, love me…way past forever.💗
When I first ever told you “I love you” I meant it with all my heart.
When I tell you “I will love you forever” I mean it with every beat of my heart and still love you more everyday.
There’s no one else for me.
Nothing or anyone else could ever make me change my mind about you. I love you and I always will. Forever and always.
“Good night and sweet dreams Ross I love you” xxxxoooooxxx
LOVE is knowing you are going to spend everyday of every month of every year with the same person, and thinking…this is EXACTLY how it should be.
Being in love with the man that treats you like a priceless, knows when something is wrong, and loves you for who you are.
Totally the best feeling in the world, Thank you baby xxx I love you to the moon and back. ❤️
You wrote this to me today and WOW just WOW you summed up how I feel for you perfectly.
“when being without your partner hurts, when minutes apart feels like hours, when you are together time goes far to quick, when you would rather have them screaming in your face than not hearing from them at all. when they tell you they love you and you know they mean it, when it makes your body warm and you feel safe. you will know when you are in love.” ❤️❤️❤️
Your the man that I laugh with, to the man I share my joys and fears with, to the man that makes me weak at the knees, to the man of my dreams and the LOVE of my life. My Gorgeous other half.
I LOVE you ROSS MARKS. ❤️
Do you know what’s really heart warmingly special and makes me weak at the knees … You look at me, really look at me, deep within my soul. I like that, I love you.
Your eyes are engraved in my heart. Your name is etched on my heart forever. Your love you give is deeply embedded in my soul forever.
I breathe for you. I live for you. You are my only smile in this world where I don’t feel so lonely and lost. You are the one with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. I love you with all my heart and soul.
I wish I was there to hold you tight, instead of just sending you this loving “Good Night.” Sweet dreams and remember if you may that I love love love you xxxxxxoooooxxxxxxx
To lay next to you while you sleep, is one of the most wonderful experience I’ve ever experienced.
Laying next to you, my heart skips a trillion beats, as you reach for my hand.
With each breath you draw, and the rise and fall of your chest, we breathe in the same air, pulling us that little bit closer together. I’m lost in dream, a dream that came true.
I lay with my hand intwined with my other half of my soul and I feel whole.
Your a dream that came true, the most delightful magical dream and I love, love, love you.
I Love You – these three words have my life in them. ❤️
I never asked for someone who could offer me the stars in the night. Just someone to lay down and watch them with is enough. But I have been given the earth, the moon the whole sky. You are my world and I love you.✨
They say that, life is for living, I live mine for you.
They say that, Love is for giving, I give mine only to you.
They say that, hearts are for beating, mine beats only for you.
They say that, dreams are full of meaning, mine are only of you. ❤
We were given 2 hands to hold, 2 legs to walk, 2 eyes to see, 2 ears to listen, but why only 1 heart?
Because the other was given to someone else for us to find. We are the lucky ones, we found each other’s and now we are complete. ❤️
I can’t wait to the time that we have both told each other everything, every memory, every special memories and even the not so special memories in life so far. And all we have left to to sit in our arm chairs by the fire as we reminisce all our own special memories, our own extra special moments and as we do so we will be making even more wonderful, heartfelt memories, those moments that we cherish together forever.
I meet the most amazing guy in the world, yes that’s you.
My heart skips a beat at the sight of you
The first kiss hello though it was short and sweet took my breath away. I know that instant that this was more than anything I had ever felt before.
The next few hours were incredible
Learning each other, touching, loving, loosing myself in you.
My life was suddenly complete. The most wonderful feeling I have ever experienced.
My life suddenly had new meaning, I felt whole for the first time in my 29 years.
The over powering feeling of love surrounded me and lifted me to a new level.
Knowing I was being loved back by the most amazing person I have ever met.
The look in your eyes, the smell of your skin, the feel of your hair between my fingers, all a dream come true.
As you held my hands as you loved me how I have never been loved before.
That moment was the most perfect moment of my life.
Heart racing, more in love then I have ever felt before, true unbreakable love.
You my darlin are the bees knees and I love, love, love you.
No one will ever compare to you.
I truly believe we are a match made in heaven, that our souls belong together, that we are the other half of each other’s soul.❤️
When we first got in contact with each other I never knew it would end like this, Me being so in love, I feel like I don’t exist anymore
All I care about is you.
I never knew I would find the best friend I could ask for.
That my life’s meaning would change the way it has.
Over the last year we have gone through so much but the good always out weighs the harder times.
The laughs, the caring, the loving, the naughtiness 😜
It’s all been a dream, a beautiful outstanding, wonderful dream.
And through your love I have grown and somehow you have managed to get me to open my heart, my hopes and my dreams, to the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You’ve let me see the love is real, it’s powerful and a truly beautiful feeling.
You have helped me more than you know and got me through some of the hardest, scariest times of my life and I will always be grateful for that.
My world, my attitude, my views have changed for the better, thanks to you
Now I am deeply in love and love that I am, I love that you love me just as much back.
I have given you my heart and soul.
I will forever love you.
Thank you for being you.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE YOU. 😘
Wow, we are going to spend our life’s together ❤️❤️❤️
I found this today and just instantly knew that it is so very perfect for the day that we will be saying I do to each other, the day that I become your wife and you become my husband, the day that in the eyes of the law, we become one but more importantly we declare to the world how much we love, adore and treasure each other, the day that we start our adventure as husband and wife, a step closer to growing old together. The day we get to serve pizza to all our family and friends 😋.
❤️“They’re about to say I do. Three little letters, two little words. It’s the simplest part of the day, but there’s nothing simple about the things that will remain unsaid. I do means I do know I could be hurt, but I’m ready to be healed with you. It means I do want to try even when the fear of failure holds me back, and I do not know the future, but I’m ready to be surprised along the way. And I do means I do want your love and I do give you mine and nothing we do will ever be the same because you and I will be doing it all together.” ❤️
⭐️”I’m wishing upon stars for you, I think 99% are aeroplane but it only takes that one, I’m not stopping.”⭐️
When you write little things like this to me it melts my heart and I fall even more in love with you.❤️
After a fab start to the week and a weekend full of great company, fun, games and freedom, the week hasn’t ended the way I hoped it would, well it is Friday the 13th!!!
I really did have great hopes for the week and even with the storm that took out the phone lines, I was pretty content in writing a blog post on my phone and walking through muddy fields until I could find 3G so I could post it. I guess its all part of moor life, a part I love about being there.
I’m cut off from the world. No phone signal, and internet that only works when it decides to.
Even though I love technology, it’s a welcome break from, being able to be got hold of. When the body and mind needs a time out, it’s the perfect getaway.
The weekend was great, even the weather didn’t stop us, stepping back in time and finding freedom of mind as well as freedom of our souls.
It really was a delight, care free, until that moment I fall off the swing and landed in freezing cold water.
That moment changed everything.
Not only did it send my mind into overtime but my body went into shock as the cold took hold.
So my plan of a fun-filled week, doing not much but enjoying the freedom that Devon brings, I ended up, spending most of the week wrapped up in front of the fire with hot water bottles, pain killers and pile of blankets over me.
My mind was free to play every trick it could, every emotion reared its ugly head and I felt pain deeper than I have let myself in a while.
All those emotions I had pushed deep within my soul came flooding out, grief surrounded me as I fall lower than I have been in a long time.
Life carried on around me as I spent days staring into space reliving every moment, I’ve forbidden myself to think about.
I’ve had to workout all over again to suppress all those feelings, gain strength and put a smile firmly back on my face. I’ll admit, it’s been hard, extremely hard but I got there and took that journey home.
I never thought that I would ever feel grateful to return to the rat race we call life. Here I have to get on, I have no choice but the busy myself.
Life goes on no matter how you feel or how you are coping, you have no choice, you have to get your butt out of bed and live your day the best you can.
You have to answer the hundred and one emails waiting for you, you have to do all the tasks that have built up since you were last at home and work your way through that mountain of washing you brought home with you.
It’s what I need right now, I need to feel as I have a purpose, I need to busy my mind with the endless crap that running a family home gives.
I need to dull out the pain by doing all those brain numbing chores.
I need to remember that life doesn’t just hold heartbreak, it’s beautiful in its own way, it holds memories that I don’t want to forget, that I never will forget.
And that leads us to this weeks flashback, to memories that bring a smile.
So without further ado, I’ll wish you good health, a happy home, a smile on your lips and freedom that the weekend ahead may bring.
Enjoy guys.
Stay safe, stay true, stay you.
🌹🌹🌹
Life without friends is like life on a desert island…
I wanted to say thank you and sorry also for the weekend.
It was lovely to all get together and spend time with you all for Sammy’s birthday.
Visiting the Isle of Wight for the first time in like forever brought peace but also some very painful but happy memories.
Drinking hot chocolate in my favourite cafe was a trip down memory lane.
I did chuckle to myself over a finger of fudge 😃
And it brought a smile to my face, yep a real one not forced.
I wish I could bring back those feelings again, when the world was mine for the taking.
Watching you all, walk almost skipping along the sea front, splashing each other like you all have no cares in the world was a beautiful warm feeling but also sad because I couldn’t join in and feel freedom.
As I wrapped up warm, sat in the car, I thought about how many wonderful weekends we have spent there, without a care in the world, and as I blissfully fall asleep with the memories floating around, I had the most care free sleep I have had in a long time, one where he didn’t haunt my dreams.
I don’t know how you all got back in the car and drove to Freshwater without me even knowing it.
Waking up to the view of the most delightful beach as the sun set was like stepping back in time, to when life was easy and pain wasn’t the ruling factor in my life.
I want to say thank you for giving me a feeling of hope and peace but I also want to say sorry that I couldn’t join in, in your antics.
I know you all understand but I still have to say it.
At times like those, I really miss having good health.
It makes me realise that the things I took for granted really do matter.
Watching Al set up his camera to capture the moment, to frame the beauty of the sea and all its hidden gems, it makes me feel sad that I can’t jump in the shot at just the right time to put a ghostly figure in his photograph.
It makes me sad that I can’t look for a different view and catch the shot of the day.
What one eye sees as beautiful an other eye sees perfection.
I miss those days of stealing his thunder, lol. (Not going to happen with my mobile)
I miss capturing Sammy and Lee, sneaking a kiss or walking hand in hand across the sea’s edge, in their own little bubble, captivated by their love for each other.
I miss seeing their faces alight as I show them the stolen moment I caught on camera.
I miss seeing Brett and Cassie acting the clowns, and plotting how they can get everyone drenched.
I miss the way I would lose myself as I watched the waves come tumbling into shore, wondering what secrets, life’s and regrets have been lost to the sea.
But what I miss most of all, is our dear friend Porter being there.
How we would all sit round the fire and watch the flames as he sang “Amazing Grace, Chasing Cars and We are sailing.”
How he loved the Island, how his passion rubbed off on us all and made us all fall in love with his place.
I really thought it would be harder going back there but it almost felt like he was with us.
I’m sure he was with us in his own way.
As night fall upon us and we sat around the fire, talking for hours about him and our memories, it just felt right to write a little letter to him and throw it out to sea.
It was the perfect end to a lovely day. (Thanks Sammy, great idea.)
Thank you all, so much for sharing your tears, laughs and memories with us all and bearing with me as I struggled throughout the day and evening.
I couldn’t ask for better friends.
Thank you xxx
Today I stepped back in time as we splashed in muddy puddles, played poo sticks, ran as fast as we could to find the perfect hiding place, giggling uncontrollably until our laughter gave us away, made a rope swing over the newly fast flowing river and let excitement of youth overcome us.
It was refreshing and just what I needed to blow the cobwebs away. Freedom is such a beautiful feeling that comes not often enough. It really did feel amazing to laugh as we had once had before adulthood took hold.
Until…..
It was my trillionth turn on the rope swing, pushing harder and higher than I had dared to before, as I lost control and felt myself beginning to fall.
Rich, bless him, jumped into the water hoping to break my fall. His hand came to mine and without even realising it, my body froze and withdrew, landing in the freezing cold water below. As Marly-Kate, screeched with delight, clapping her hands for all her worth, time slowed to nearly a stop as I watched Rich hand come towards mine and faster than light retreat.
Pain washed over his face, as he turned and retreated out the water as fast as he could.
Those few seconds lasted in my mind a billion hours, as that deep gut punch hit me.
When did I fear human touch so much, that I would put fear into a friend whom only wanted to help me? Would it have been that bad for me to take his hand and let him help me out of the ice-cold water.
Why am I so weak that I can’t see that my hang ups, hurt the few people I care about.
Touch, especially hand holding, to me is extremely personal and ever since I was with Ross, I haven’t been able to let anyone touch me, even a hug from my mum, I pull away. If my hand is touched, I pull away without even thinking about it.
I know that no one can ever make me feel how Ross made me feel, no one ever could even come close, to how it felt when any part of our bodies touched, I can’t even begin to try to explain it, we just fitted, even melted together.
I have never felt anything like it and I never will or want to feel that with anyone else, it’s just not possible anyway.
But still I can’t stand for anyone, I seriously mean anyone to told my hand, comfort me, care for me.
And I’m deeply sorry for that, I’m sorry if I hurt you Rich, I’m sorry that you felt that you had to turn from me so I you wouldn’t have to feel the rejection that we both knew would follow.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m so emotionally scarred, I can’t even let one of my closest most loyal friend lend me a hand.
My week, well what can I say about my week.
It’s been busy.
That seems to be the norm at the moment, I’m so needing me time, so me being me, I packed bags, jumped in Rich’s van, puppy in the back, Marly-Kate safely in her car seat next to me and we hit the road.
The moors ahead of us, the autumn sun shining, freedom awaited.
We stopped as soon as we hit the moors and did our norm, of shouting our worries away, them traveling in the breeze, giving us freedom of mind as well as spirit.
That really has to be one of my favourite things about our road trips, add in that good old English fry up, bubbling brook, roaring fire and warming our cold hands on the Rayburn. You could almost call it, “Coming home.” (How I long to feel that feeling)
Marley-Kate is definitely at her happiest and of course having a few days school free, gives her a new lease of life.
She’s been poorly for a few weeks now, and as the cold weather creeps in, so do the chest infections, and nights of stress as her breathing becomes more difficult.
Somehow the moors seem to have healing powers and finds energy she has no where else.
She is at home here, free and even more beautiful than normal, even if she is knee-deep in mud, straw and cow dung. She loves every moment of it.
As for me……
Exhaustion has set in this week, making every task so much harder, my lists of jobs, seem to grow as I try desperately to tick off daily jobs, stay on top of work, and just find time to do all the things that life demands.
A few days out, is definitely what’s needed, hook and yarn at the ready, I’m determined to find my own freedom, while I do the things that bring me peace and a sense of worth.
Life seems to have a way of getting stuck in a rut, days just blend into one another as the daily household tasks never seem to end.
I swear my cousin has lost his function to tidy up after himself, and sees me as his little slave. I don’t mind really, that boy works so hard. He does worry me though, he hasn’t totally bounced back since his accident and is really withdrawn from the world. Maybe it’s just him becoming an adult and working out that life has many battles, and who stays along for the ride, is very different to what your once young mind imagined it would be.
Growing up sucks, it really does, but the lessons learnt while finding adulthood are some of the hardest to learn. He will get there, and make us all proud as he already does.
So all in all, life is just ticking along, no dramas, which is always a blessing and lots to look forward to, great friends and lots to occupy my mind which always manages to keep me thinking to deeply, reminding me of the pain that I have pushed deep within, somehow it doesn’t want to stay there, it always manages to creep through the smile I try so hard to wear, it creeps in, within seconds of waking and holds its own as I try my up most to wear that smile, that everyone expects me to wear.
The problem is, no matter how good life can be, that emptiness, those feelings, the devastation, the love I feel, the longing, the heartbreak and the grief doesn’t ease not even for a second, I’ve just got kind of good at hiding it.
But let’s not go there!
Let’s enjoy the freedom that Friday brings.
Have an awesome one, enjoy the sunshine, sing loud and badly, and dance as if no one is watching.
🌹
Ice Maiden Diaries 