Vanished

Where o where is the time going?
With a blink of the eye, a week seems to just vanish. A week that I achieved absolutely jack.
I have no idea where it went or even what I did, all I know is it was a painful one and a week to be grateful to the wonderful people in my life.
Without them my darling daughter would have gone crazy with boredom.
There is only so much one person can take, watching their world in pain.
All I can say, is god damn you teeth and dentist.
My one and only wisdom tooth has been giving me so much pain that I’ve been in a constant morphine state, which brought with it vomiting like I’ve never experienced before. 🤢
Thankfully yesterday he took the bugger out and omg the pain now is worse than before. 😫
But it’s out and healing.
I’ve forgotten how food tastes, I’ve been dreaming of coffee ☕️ and screaming at the so-called greater good to give me a rest bite from toothache.
Why on earth do they call it toothache? It should be called torture of the worst degree.
I swear blind that it has to be the worst physical pain out there. How can one tiny tooth, hurt your entire head, even you eye sockets feel like someone has them in a vice, tightening it every millisecond. Your ears feel like they are bleeding with the pressure, everything about it, is awful.
What gets to me the most is, it’s not even through lack of caring for them, I have always taken get care of my teeth, I’ve spent a small fortune having them capped, along with that dreaded six month check up and hygienist visit.
All I can say is thank goodness for denplan.

After seeing the price of dental work it’s no wonder that we live in a generation of bad teeth.
Your teeth are so important and we see more and more people with stained brown smiles.
It’s a sad state of affairs, truly it is.
I’m more than grateful for the NHS, I would be lost without it but even the nhs dentists charge the earth for a filling. People just can’t afford to pay to keep their smiles up together.
It’s beyond sad.
It’s almost like we have taken a trip back to the Victorian times, were only the rich could have that beautiful white teethed smile.
How can the world change by the day as we soar into a future of the most amazing inventions and still we have people who can’t afford to visit the dentist, not only that, but we have the working class using food banks. ☹️
What is becoming of us and what on earth does this world hold for our future generations?
Free Dental Treatment Please 😜

Pinch, punch

img_4216Pinch, punch, first day of the month, no return. 😝

White rabbit, white rabbit, white rabbit. 🐰🐰🐰

Wow, where the hell did January go???
It’s the 1st of February and I feel like I’ve achieved, jack diddly squat.
Is it because I’m getting older that the months just seem to fly by and days blend into the other?

So January was a strange month, one of high hopes, goals, and positive energy, well that was the plan anyway and in truth I was doing ok, I’m happy and have a mind-set that I’m trying my up most to stick to, it the other elements that just want to rock the boat and make the sea stormy.

So I made a few lists, I kind of like lists at the moment, with brain fog most of the time, they really help me to remember what needs to be done, what I would like to get done and what I dream to get done, and I’ve already ticked one goal of my goals list and half way through another, also I’ve started one of the, house to home goals so maybe January really wasn’t as slack as I thought.
It was though full of numbers and data for the dreaded tax man 🤑, that’s the worst thing about January, tax returns and a whopping great big tax bill to pay. 💰I really don’t like handing my hard-earned money to him, I worked bloody hard for it and twice a year he takes it away, never to be seen again. 😩
Lots of time has been spent at the hospital between myself, Marly-Kate and my baby cousin but that’s just part of our life’s now and kind of use to being poked, prodded and stabbed with needles. It’s funny how these things just become the norm.

Emotionally I’m not in a bad place, I get up and get on and keep myself as busy as I can so I don’t have to think, it’s really working for me, ok, ok, I have my moments, more so when a random song comes on, or I hear a name that I wasn’t expecting to hear but you know what, I pull myself up with every bit of strength I have in me and I get on, I just don’t allow myself to think or more importantly feel, which I know deep down isn’t the answer or the right way to deal or cope but it’s the best I can do.

Marly-Kate, now she is always a delight, a ray of sunshine and a true pillar of strength, she’s pretty damn amazing.
She’s doing great at school even though she hates it with a passion and we have tears every morning, which breaks my heart, I just don’t know how I can make it better for her and that has to be one of the hardest things to deal with, I just want to make everything better for her and see her beautiful smile, instead of tears and her fears.
She made her first horse jump at the weekend and I’m so flipping proud, well when I got over the fear of what my sister had made her do.
I know I can’t wrap her in cotton wool, I can’t let my own fears for her safety stop her from trying new things but it’s hard, it’s really hard.
I just want to keep her safe from harm but she has to live, she has to learn and she has to make the most important thing in life, memories.
Life is all about making memories.

Pretty much all is well in our little house, in the middle of nowhere.
Until next time, stay safe, stay strong, stay motivated and smile.
Toodaloo me old muckers.

Crashed

imageThe event of my old site being closed down has hit me so hard, I’ve stepped back at least a billion steps and I feel awfully low, at the point that I’m sick of fighting.
Life without him is more unbearable than anyone can ever imagine.
I’m lost, so lost and my heart is way beyond ever being fixed.
The site going down, has for reason unknown to me, ripped my heart out even more.
I don’t understand why???
I know, I know that is so stupid, it’s just a site after all.
But it was my space, my savour.
I can’t explain it but I’m crushed.
I know I’m being over emotional but it meant/means everything to me.
Thank god I backed it up or I would have lost years of not just words but my heart and soul.
And yes I know I have got this badly put together one, but it is not the same.

I know he never reads it, and he doesn’t know that my heart bleeds for him every moment of every day, but that’s not why I write.
I don’t write for him or anyone else.
I write for me.
Every word comes from the heart, every song from my soul and every photo or picture was picked or photograph was picked with meaning.
I’ve lost them all. (Photos/pictures)
It’s like a part of me has been cut away in the most painful way.
If only I could explain how I feel but I know I’m an awful writer but that’s not what it’s about.
I don’t understand why I feel this way, why it has set me back, and left me feeling that I want to give up on life.
But right now, I wish I could close my eyes and fall into an ever lasting sleep.
I have no strength left in me.
With all the hurt and heartbreak and loss, that I and my friends and family have been through already this year, this has made me hit rock bottom and I can’t fight anyone.
I keep telling myself that life will get better, that the pain will go and I will come through this stronger but I really don’t know anymore.
I really don’t and right now I don’t care.

New blog 😢

imageSo here you are on my new blog.
I know, I know, it’s not looking great but I’m working on it. Hopefully it will look better soon. (As soon as I have the time to make it)

So I’m guessing my domain etc ran out, and I have no way of doing anything to get it back as its in my ex’s name.
If I’m truthful, I’m devastated that I can’t keep it.
I don’t mind paying, but no idea how I go about that, when he wont talk to me.
Thankfully though I back up every now again so I think I have it all back apart from photos and images.

Anyway, Ice Maiden Diaries has a new address
http://www.icemaidendiaries.net

But that comes with a huge kick in the teeth, tears and heartbreak.

I remember the day clearly that he made it for me.
I was so over the moon, we have brain stormed together for a name, picked a theme and then I watched him work his magic.
Got to say it was one of my favourite memories.
It meant the world to me, it really did.

I guess I just have to try and keep those memories alive in this blog.

I hope you will still keep reading and look past the rubbish thrown together site.
It’s what’s written that important at the end of the day ( will have to keep reminding myself of that)

Much love, Rose x

Two options…….

imageAt times we face hurdles in life. By ‘hurdles’, I mean problems.
Every day, everyone has a problems, big or small, which land in front of them, that’s life I guess, but it’s the way we deal with them is what matters.

You can choose to face the challenge or bury it deep inside you.

These two options can affect you more than you will ever understand.
If you opt for the challenge, you are accepting to get over them, whether it’s with ease or struggle.
The struggle can give you no end of tears, make you angry or destroy a part of you but you gain inner strength and you hold onto hope that you don’t want to give up on.
What is life without hope.

If you decide to hide from it, you are letting the problem in front of you, defeat your inner strength. You’re letting your problems grow and you are stopping yourself from facing up to the emotions that need to be dealt with.
You are slowly destroying a part of your soul.

I don’t know which way you should deal with these as I have for years, hidden problems and emotions so deep that they haunt my dreams. I can not escape them, no matter how hard I try.
But facing them will be a painful ride which at present I don’t think I have the strength to face.

Maybe one day I will find the answers but it’s a fight between my head and my heart.
And as I believe that the heart knows best, it’s kinda hard to challenge it.
I guess my emotions are my strongest asset but they are also my weakness.

I’ve learnt…….

imageA few things I have learnt in 2014.

I’ve learnt that it’s ok to cry.

I’ve learnt it’s ok to be scared.

I’ve learnt that it’s ok to to hope and dream.

I’ve learnt that no matter how much you try to talk yourself into not loving someone, you just can’t tell your heart how to feel.
I’ve learnt that life is not easy, but there is always a reason to keep fighting.
I’ve learnt the emotional pain, is still a lot worse than physical pain even when you can’t stand anymore.

I’ve learnt that you don’t always need a listening ear, all you need is a pen and paper, a laptop or a phone, to write all your worries down.

I’ve learnt that my mum isn’t the monster I once thought she was and that mothers can be friends to.

I’ve learnt that even when my heart is breaking that, watching the frost glistening on the glass, trees, and roof tops, let’s me see that there is still beauty out there.

I’ve learnt the life is one hell of a bitch and no road is easy but life goes on even when you don’t want it to.

I’ve learnt that waiting in the consultants room as he reads your latest, CT scan, echo scans and blood results is terrifying no matter how many times you do it.

I’ve learnt the spending a good few days a week at the hospital that there are worst people off than you and you’re not alone in your fear.

I’ve learnt that his love is all I ever wanted and a bleeding heart is the most painful devastating lonely feeling/life.

I’ve learnt that the simple moments mean the most.

I’ve learnt the memories are the reason I smile.

But I’ve also learnt to be strong.

The truth about Christmas

imageSo christmas is over and done with for another year.
We spend money on things we don’t need and for what… to be the star of the show?.
Spending money, time and anxiety to find that perfect gift.

Hours of wrapping, losing the scissors, tape, pen, scissors, tape and pen over and over. The fight to find the end of the tape drives you crazy, finally though you’re all done and it all looks pretty, only to be destroyed in two seconds on Christmas morning or tree pressies on Boxing Day.
Somehow in the madness you miss the faces of joy or disappointment as the whirlwind hits the living room which has turned in to a huge rubbish pile.
Mums flapping as she tries so hard to keep on top of the paper which flys in every direction apart from the bin bag.
Presents are lost under the ever-growing mountain of paper.
Your hands bleed from the ties they use to hold the toys in the boxes, and as soon as you’ve unpacked one toy, the little ones have already moved onto the next toy.
So the fight continues to get it unpacked before nanny has thrown part of the toy that’s hanging on for dear life in the box that doesn’t want to come out.
Then you have the tears as you have forgotten to buy the right size batteries.
All the while my daughter is still holding tight to the creeper teddy that she opened first and still has half a stocking to unwrap. I’m sat there trying to convince her that she has more to open before DJ claims them for himself.
The puppy has his head under the tree, wanting to rip the paper off every present that hasn’t been given out, claiming them as his.
This is the magic of Christmas.

Christmas dinner for once goes smoothly, nothing burns and the timing is prefect, wine is flowing along with pints and pints of beer.
Drunken smiles and laughter echo around and bellies full.
Isn’t this what we have all pictured the perfect Christmas to be?
Until I make the mistake of raising a glass to the loved ones that aren’t here.
To me that happens to be very very important.
Thankfully though the tears that well up soon disappear from their eyes as DJ throws his food at MK.
That moment is forgotten by them all apart from me.
I guess we are meant to be jolly after all, but sadly my heart has a huge empty space which somehow seems bigger at this time of year.
So the adults get drunker, the music louder and the children play.
And I watch the small moments that no one else notices, the little smiles, the game play, the thoughtfulness of my daughters game.
To me this has to be the best part of Christmas.
Watching her in her own little world, at peace with her world.
Living out her dreams in her game.

You don’t need Christmas to have those special moments.

The perfect moment.

imageDo you ever take a photograph and think it’s a really great shot, then look at it in photoshop and think “well I was wrong”?
Sometimes I feel like every photo I’m taking is exactly the same as the one I took before.

Considering I’ve been lugging round an SLR since like forever, I’d expect to be a little bit happier with some of my images then I am but I’m guessing that just snapping away on my phone isn’t the best way to get that one incredible photo.
image

But is it?

It shouldn’t be about what you take the photo on or how much effort you but in, it should be about what you feel at the time of taking that rushed shot, that you grabbed your phone for.
It’s the moment that matters.

Isn’t that what’s important?

image

So why do I feel the need to do better, to fall in love with the passion of capturing light, love and life.

I know I can do it, it’s one of the few things I’m good at.
I wouldn’t say great at but I know my stuff and I can picture the perfect photo in my mind, but maybe just maybe my mind’s eye sees things as much more perfect, delicate, magical and light than what it really is.

image

I use to always take photographs with no idea of what I want to capture, something just clicks in me and I see something that enlightens me. I really need to relax and trust my instincts, have faith in myself and let passion build in me again. Find a love for life again.

Today though I realised that it’s ever so hard to capture a feeling. Isn’t that what a photograph is after all, capturing the perfect memory.

image

I’m sorry.

I wanted to say sorry to you for neglecting my blog.
I know your waiting to hear about last Saturday night and how I got on.
Life is manic at the moment, I don’t seem to get 5 minutes to think.
I have so much to do and so little time.
The story of everyone’s life this time of year, I know.
On top of that the nasty flu bug has hit me and Marly-Kate, so on top of the normal Christmas stress, I still have pressies to make and have to nurse MK and myself.
No sleep, is now getting to us both and it’s not really a happy household.
She normally is my ray of sunshine, who stops me from letting life get on top of me, but she’s lost her glow and joyful ness.
It’s really knocked her for six.
And me if I’m honest.
So I’m sorry for not staying on top of the blog. I promise I will tell all about the last few weeks soon.
Promise.

No one should have to feel this.

imageFeeling very emotional but excited in a strange way.
My postman just delivered my order form from Ashes into glass.
For those of you that haven’t heard of them, they are a company that make memorial jewellery from your lost loved ones ashes, molten crystal glass and coloured crystals.
More info can be found at http://www.ashesintoglass.co.uk

Since losing our baby boy, I have known I have to do something with his ashes but I really wanted to do something with Zack’s daddy but that isn’t going to happen so I have to do this alone.

I’ve been thinking about ashes to glass for a while now, this way I can have my baby bean with me.
I just can’t face scattering his ashes alone and in a way I don’t want him out there in the big bad world alone.

I guess in my heart I also was hoping that one day maybe I wouldn’t have to do it all alone.
Ok I know my family and friends have said they would be with me, but it’s not right, I should be with Zack’s daddy. He should be part of it.
Sorry but I can’t let the feeling go, so I can’t lay him to rest, but I have to do something, I can’t just leave him in my bedroom, I can’t and won’t, its disrespectful.
So anyway I bit the bullet and made up my mind to go ahead and make an order with Ashes into glass.

So the order form arrived and I can’t find the strength to open it.
I will have to though, I can’t not.
This is so hard and heartbreaking, no one should ever have to face this, feel this.
Heartbroken