If only a glimpse

img_3621Have you ever walked somewhere and not remembered the journey?
Have you had so much going on in your mind you can’t think straight?
Have you stressed so much you’ve given your self a head ache that lasts days?

Are you so busy in your thoughts good or bad, you miss whats in front of you?
Has your mind been so busy you actually thought you may lose your self there?
This seems to be the story of my life these days.
Blinded by heartbreak, fear of never seeing that breathtaking light that everyone one tells me will come.
If only they could take a glimpse at those broken places just for a minute, they may just reach out and hold my hand and show me I’m not alone.


How can I feel

imageHow can I feel so alone even when I’m surrounded by family and friends?
Life is pretty damn good and I’m happy. I’m enjoying life as best I can and I laugh, smile, joke and make the best out of every situation thrown at me.
But even when I’m with my awesome friends, or my mum and dad who are my rocks, my shoulder, my friends, there is just always is gut wrenching loneliness, a huge hole of blackness, emptiness, longing that I can not seem to fill.
My heart aches for something that keeps me from drowning in the love and friendship that I’m so lucky to have.

My friends are always there, making me laugh, supporting me, ready to listen and be the shoulder to cry on (if I would let them). They are constantly wanting me to be with them, experiencing life’s little pleasures, and even though I love every moment with them and I’m so grateful to them and I love them all dearly somehow they just can’t take this emptiness away.
They can’t seem to fill this gut wrenching loneliness, that eats slowly away at me.
The problem is I know why and it hurts to admit that they will never, ever be able to.
Because they are not him, they are not the soul that completed me, that made my blood pump, my heart miss a trillion beats, my knees weaken at just a glance, my eyes sparkle, every inch of my soul and body melt.
They are not, my heart, my soul, my air, my best friend, my one and only true love.

I know only him can bring me back to being whole.
The thought that I will have to live out my days and nights without him is crippling, its torture, it’s too much to bare but I know that I have to somehow carry on and make the most out of the hand I have been given and live the best I can with this sinking feeling that never, ever seems to lessen.
I have to learn to live with the loneliness, the heart-break and the longing I feel every second of every day and night.
I have to survive.


imageI know I have brought it on my self but at times I feel totally alone.
Even with that feeling I still don’t want to put myself out there and see people, talk to anyone or even chat random crap on the phone.
I know over the last year or so I have pushed everyone away, even my nearest and dearest.
I’m a closed book that won’t open up to anyone, not even my family and friends. The walls are higher than ever and if anyone wants to know how I’m feeling or thinking than their first port of call is this blog.

So when did I turn from party animal, the girl who couldn’t be alone or away from friends for more than a few hours?
What changed in me?

I think it’s a case of being scared to open up and get close to anyone.
Maybe I’ve gone so far away from letting people in, it’s to late for me.

The truth of the matter is, I have family and friends who want to be there, they want to hold my hand when I’m sick, hug me when I cry and laugh with me when I laugh.

So why do I keep pushing them away?
Why do I feel I have to face my battles alone?

Have I been hurt so badly that I just can’t face being hurt in any way at all?
I am scared of the judgement from others?

I’ve been wrongly judged by so many over the last two years, I just don’t seem to have the strength to fight that any more.
Along with the life lesson of learning who really cares and who could turn their backs so easily.
I guess it has damaged me more than I knew it ever would.

I know I’m not a bad person, my heart though broken is a kind one and I always am there for who ever wants to unload their problems on my shoulders.
I listen, I truly listen and I’m there when they need me, ALWAYS.
But something in me just won’t let me get close to anyone no matter who they are.

I also believe that if I shut myself off from the world that when my ticking time bomb finally decides not to tick anymore, I want to spare them the pain that I have had for the last few years.
Heartbreak and loss has made my warm heart grow cold and the once melted Ice Maiden has frozen to new levels, leaving me more alone than I have been, even when I’m with people I still feel lost and alone.

But what my heart seems to want to tell me is that I feel alone because I am no longer complete.
My other half, my better half has vanished out of my life leaving me just a shell of the person I was when he was with me.

Conquer the pain….

imageDon’t ever be ashamed of the scars life has left you with.
A scar means the hurt is over and the wound is closed.
It means you conquered the pain, learned a lesson, grew stronger, and moved forward.
A scar is the tattoo of a triumph. So don’t allow your scars to hold you hostage. Don’t allow them to make you live your life in fear. You can’t make the scars in your life disappear, but you can change the way you see them. You can start seeing your scars as a sign of strength and not pain. If you have no other testimony right now, you have this one.
“I’m still here trying.” Be positive, patient and persistent. The more you feel like quitting, the more there is to be gained by continuing to do all three.
Because the strongest people aren’t the people who always win, but the people who don’t give up when they lose.