Flashback Friday

After a fab start to the week and a weekend full of great company, fun, games and freedom, the week hasn’t ended the way I hoped it would, well it is Friday the 13th!!!
I really did have great hopes for the week and even with the storm that took out the phone lines, I was pretty content in writing a blog post on my phone and walking through muddy fields until I could find 3G so I could post it. I guess its all part of moor life, a part I love about being there.
I’m cut off from the world. No phone signal, and internet that only works when it decides to.
Even though I love technology, it’s a welcome break from, being able to be got hold of. When the body and mind needs a time out, it’s the perfect getaway.
The weekend was great, even the weather didn’t stop us, stepping back in time and finding freedom of mind as well as freedom of our souls.
It really was a delight, care free, until that moment I fall off the swing and landed in freezing cold water.
That moment changed everything.
Not only did it send my mind into overtime but my body went into shock as the cold took hold.
So my plan of a fun-filled week, doing not much but enjoying the freedom that Devon brings, I ended up, spending most of the week wrapped up in front of the fire with hot water bottles, pain killers and pile of blankets over me.
My mind was free to play every trick it could, every emotion reared its ugly head and I felt pain deeper than I have let myself in a while.
All those emotions I had pushed deep within my soul came flooding out, grief surrounded me as I fall lower than I have been in a long time.
Life carried on around me as I spent days staring into space reliving every moment, I’ve forbidden myself to think about.
I’ve had to workout all over again to suppress all those feelings, gain strength and put a smile firmly back on my face. I’ll admit, it’s been hard, extremely hard but I got there and took that journey home.
I never thought that I would ever feel grateful to return to the rat race we call life. Here I have to get on, I have no choice but the busy myself.
Life goes on no matter how you feel or how you are coping, you have no choice, you have to get your butt out of bed and live your day the best you can.
You have to answer the hundred and one emails waiting for you, you have to do all the tasks that have built up since you were last at home and work your way through that mountain of washing you brought home with you.
It’s what I need right now, I need to feel as I have a purpose, I need to busy my mind with the endless crap that running a family home gives.
I need to dull out the pain by doing all those brain numbing chores.
I need to remember that life doesn’t just hold heartbreak, it’s beautiful in its own way, it holds memories that I don’t want to forget, that I never will forget.
And that leads us to this weeks flashback, to memories that bring a smile.
So without further ado, I’ll wish you good health, a happy home, a smile on your lips and freedom that the weekend ahead may bring.
Enjoy guys.
Stay safe, stay true, stay you.

🌹🌹🌹

Life without friends is like life on a desert island…

imageI wanted to say thank you and sorry also for the weekend.
It was lovely to all get together and spend time with you all for Sammy’s birthday.

Visiting the Isle of Wight for the first time in like forever brought peace but also some very painful but happy memories.
Drinking hot chocolate in my favourite cafe was a trip down memory lane.
I did chuckle to myself over a finger of fudge 😃

And it brought a smile to my face, yep a real one not forced.
I wish I could bring back those feelings again, when the world was mine for the taking.

Watching you all, walk almost skipping along the sea front, splashing each other like you all have no cares in the world was a beautiful warm feeling but also sad because I couldn’t join in and feel freedom.

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As I wrapped up warm, sat in the car, I thought about how many wonderful weekends we have spent there, without a care in the world, and as I blissfully fall asleep with the memories floating around, I had the most care free sleep I have had in a long time, one where he didn’t haunt my dreams.

I don’t know how you all got back in the car and drove to Freshwater without me even knowing it.
Waking up to the view of the most delightful beach as the sun set was like stepping back in time, to when life was easy and pain wasn’t the ruling factor in my life.
I want to say thank you for giving me a feeling of hope and peace but I also want to say sorry that I couldn’t join in, in your antics.
I know you all understand but I still have to say it.

At times like those, I really miss having good health.
It makes me realise that the things I took for granted really do matter.
Watching Al set up his camera to capture the moment, to frame the beauty of the sea and all its hidden gems, it makes me feel sad that I can’t jump in the shot at just the right time to put a ghostly figure in his photograph.
It makes me sad that I can’t look for a different view and catch the shot of the day.
What one eye sees as beautiful an other eye sees perfection.
I miss those days of stealing his thunder, lol. (Not going to happen with my mobile)

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I miss capturing Sammy and Lee, sneaking a kiss or walking hand in hand across the sea’s edge, in their own little bubble, captivated by their love for each other.
I miss seeing their faces alight as I show them the stolen moment I caught on camera.
I miss seeing Brett and Cassie acting the clowns, and plotting how they can get everyone drenched.
I miss the way I would lose myself as I watched the waves come tumbling into shore, wondering what secrets, life’s and regrets have been lost to the sea.
But what I miss most of all, is our dear friend Porter being there.
How we would all sit round the fire and watch the flames as he sang “Amazing Grace, Chasing Cars and We are sailing.”

How he loved the Island, how his passion rubbed off on us all and made us all fall in love with his place.

I really thought it would be harder going back there but it almost felt like he was with us.
I’m sure he was with us in his own way.

As night fall upon us and we sat around the fire, talking for hours about him and our memories, it just felt right to write a little letter to him and throw it out to sea.
It was the perfect end to a lovely day. (Thanks Sammy, great idea.)

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Thank you all, so much for sharing your tears, laughs and memories with us all and bearing with me as I struggled throughout the day and evening.
I couldn’t ask for better friends.
Thank you xxx

The morning after……

img_4218When life has you by the balls, pulling you to your knees.
When love has shattered your heart into a trillion unfixable pieces.
When the sky’s are dark and the days are as black as the moonless nights.
When all hope has wilted and there just isn’t an end in sight.
When life no longer holds a meaning and you’ve no energy left to fight.
Then your eyes have no sparkle and you soul is torn apart.
Look deep within your heart and see that somewhere, someone is out there ready to help you fight, comfort you, listen and remind you that it will be alright.
I’ve been here and somehow I survived, I really don’t know how but I did.
You can to.

I found the below article by the very talent Meggie Royer, over a month ago and have had it open on my iPad ever since.
It touched my soul in many different ways.
And even though it’s sad, it’s also beautiful in its own right, (Maggie is one talented writer) so much so I have to share it and hope that it can give a little peace to someone who is struggling, someone who is surrounded by darkness and is lost without the light, someone who is lonely, someone who is drowning in heartache.
I know it’s the hardest thing on earth to lift yourself out of the black hole you have fallen in, the climb will be extremely difficult, but with every step forward the darkness gains different shades of black to grey and the light will slowly but surely filter through.
You can make it out and in time you will want to, you will want to see the beauty of the morning frost, the sunlight dancing on the walls, the roar of the ocean, the dew on the spring grasses, who have also been fighting their own battles to see the warming glow of the sun, to come alive once more.
Life is so delightful in so many ways, you just have to re-train your mind to focus on the beauty instead of the pain. It will NOT be easy, I’m certain of that because I’m still claiming to find not just the light, but to find myself once again and even though I will be different, I will be stronger also and I will be able to see the magic of the light again…….

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass.

I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two-year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few day lilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her, her daily medication.
The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping-stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

By Meggie Royer.
http://persephonesdaughters.tk

Flashback Friday

Streaking lights in subway tunnel

Streaking lights in subway tunnel

It’s Friday 😃 The weekend is upon us, have a good one.
Today I am flashing back to a very deep, troubling time in my life, a time that sadly hasn’t ended and even though I have come so far, my heart is still in a trillion pieces, it has healed, it hasn’t even begun to heal. But that being said I’m still fighting on hour by hour and day by day.
But you know what I still smile, I get up and do the best I can, I’m living but still there is part of me that gone, disappeared, crashed, broken, but still here I am soldering on, making the best of what I can.
So without further ado I give you this weeks flashback.

https://icemaidendiaries.net/2013/07/01/do-you-feel-the-desire-to-harm-yourself-right-now/

A person who tries to kill herself/himself doesn’t do so out of ‘hopelessness’ or not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person who’s in invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning building. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great but it’s the other terror, the fire’s flames, when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. And yet nobody down on the pavement looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump.
You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
The same goes for a person who tries to commit suicide.
The fear of life ahead of you for no matter what reason you are dreading it, it’s not that fear that makes you want to end your own life, it’s the pain that won’t leave you, it’s there in everything you try to do. It’s the pain that over rides every other emotion.
Your under attack from your own feelings, your own mind and heart.
And unless you have been there, done it, tried it there is no way on this earth you can begin to understand the reasons behind it.
God I wish you could.
The endless questions you get thrown at you, the main one being Do you feel the desire to harm yourself right now ? but even giving the answers, do they really understand, how can you, you can’t see into my mind, feel what I’m feeling, or put yourself in my shoes. There is no way, you can understand this because I don’t understand myself.
“Did I really want to die?”
“No one commits suicide because they want to die.”
“Then why do they do it?”
“Because they want to stop the pain.”
That’s the only answer I have right now.
And yes I still want the pain to go away and think to myself ” why did I wake up ? Why am I still here? Why do I have to live a life time of misery and heartache?”
There are so many questions, so many what ifs.
But if there is one thing that I’ve learnt from waking up, it’s that.
Maybe it just wasn’t my time to go, that I have unfinished business and I have to prove what needs to be proven.
Maybe that’s the reason I’m not in a better place, that I’m free from heartache.
So this is my promise to you.
I will fight those burning flames that are pushing me closer to that window, I will not give up until I have proven I’m worthy.
Because I believe what the answers will give is worth getting burnt for, it’s worth the heartache, the pain, love is worth everything and I will give my all to prove that. To once again feel something other than misery.

Broken soul

No words can even start to make anyone one understand the pain of yesterday.
No kind actions by others can help to ease it.
No amount of tears can wash away the devastation, the longing, the heartbreak.
No amount of time can heal.
There is nothing in this universe that can even start to explain to you how I felt yesterday.
No just yesterday but every day, but yesterday it all seemed that little worse but the heartbreak never goes away. It eats away a me, day in day out and there is no way to stop it.
My family and friends tried so hard to make it a beautiful day, even the sun shone on us, but as always there is this gaping hole in my heart.
Part of me is missing and no amount of tomorrow’s can heal it.
No amount of hugs can warm my broken soul.

Pushing down

That moment when you are sat watching something on tv, your content and in a chilled good mood and out of no where you just burst into tears and you just can’t stop crying.

I guess it shows that no matter how much you pushing down the pain, the hurt and the loss, it hasn’t gone away and without warning it bursts and over flows, for no reason, nothing triggers it, it just explodes.

Time does not heal

imageHow can I not blame and hate my self for everything that’s happened.
I know I didn’t know that I was poorly and that my body was/is destroying all the healthy cells in turn slowly shutting down.
But how do I learn to cope with the fact that I was so blinded by love that I didn’t notice I was poorly.
I don’t know how to live with the guilt I feel everyday.
Everyday at that hospital I’m reminded of the pain, the heartbreak, the devastation.
No amount of tears can ever wash away the pain and heartache I feel.
Time does not heal but only makes the pain more overwhelming more devastating.
All I know is that life goes on, days rolling into nights, and somehow I have to get by even with the gaping hole that is left in my heart.

“It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”

imageI have been putting off this blog post and still in two minds in even writing it.
I guess if I put it all down then I have to accept it.

This week has been one of the hardest ever. It is way up there on the list of devastation, heart-break and unspeakable pain.
Those who are close to me know that my favourite cousin has been fighting brain cancer.
This week she lost her fight 😢
I have no words to express the heart ache we all feel.

She was one of the most beautiful incredible soul I have ever met, she wasn’t just my cousin but one of my dearest closest friend.
She was an inspiration to me through my whole life.
I use to just look at her when I was a little girl, I wanted to be just like her.
She had this beautiful energy about her, her smile would light up a room and no matter how sad you felt, that smile would make you smile.
Her laugh was contagious, it would fill the room . Her energy was electric.
She put everyone before her self and all her younger cousins would stand in awe of her.
She was our protected, our leader, our friend.

I have so many happy memories of her, but most of all her kindness shines through them all.

A good few years ago when I ran away from my ex husband I was in one of the lowest patches in my life and I couldn’t stand the thought of life.
No one knew where I was but she tracked me down and came with the biggest brightest bunch of flowers I have ever seen.
She sat and held me from days while I cried, I slept, I cried more. All the time she held onto me like she wouldn’t let me go and she listened. She truly listened. I owe her my life at that point in time.
It wasn’t that I cried for him, I cried for the changes I had to make, I cried for the misery I had lived for all those years, I cried for the intercourse he had forced on me for way to many years, I cried for the cuts and bruises, the beatings he had inflicted on me.
I cried for the worthlessness I felt and the weakness he had drilled into me.
Those few days which some were in silence were distressing to say the least but her smile, her kindness, her love pulled me through.
She was an angel in life and now she will light up the night sky and shine down on us as she has always done.
I really don’t see many people as perfect but her soul, heart, mind and beauty has to be in my top three of perfection.
I really mean that. She was a total inspiration in life and in death she will always be.
If any one deserves those angel wings it’s her.
The thought of life without her is too much to bare right now but I have to find strength in knowing she lives on in her children, her legacy.

So as we face the fourth death this year please give a thought for all the loved ones she has left behind and help us find the strength to not break.
Hopefully we can find peace in knowing that she is with my sister again. I’m sure they are ripping up the sky with their love for life.

Emptiness

imageThere comes a time when you really have to take a long hard look at yourself and see if the words you have felt cut through you are really true.

Today is one of those days.
A day full of self judgement.

Yesterday at the hospital one of my consultants said that until my heart starts to heal, my body will not.

I didn’t really understand what he meant.
I know that he tells me every time I see him that my broken heart was what caused my body to shut down.
Yes, it’s true your body really can shut down because of a broken heart.

And yes he does admit that I have had this one condition since birth , but he believes that the grief, the shattering of my heart brought it to rear its ugly head.

Anyway when I got home I called my dad and we had a really long chat about what the consultant had said. Then my dad spoke up and said that, since my heart got shattered into a million, trillion pieces that I have hit my own self destruct button .
That I have shut out the world.
That I spend way to much time on my own and I have shut out everyone.
He said the times I do allow people into my life that I’m not really there, I don’t laugh, I don’t smile, I don’t show any emotion. I’m a lone robot shielding myself from caring.
He said the twinkle in my eyes is far gone, and all he can see is sorrow.

I have to admit that maybe he is right but I do laugh, smile, giggle but if I’m total honest with my self that 9 out of 10 times it is forced.
I moved as far away from my friends and family as I could so that I could have my own head space, I guess I shut them out.

Why I do not know.
I know that some of their actions hurt me beyond belief. And ok I forgave them because anger isn’t a nice emotion and I don’t want to feel angry all the time but letting them back in is so so hard.

I will admit though that last weekend I spent the day with a few friends at one of my favourite places and I let my guard down and I truly laughed for the first time in a long, long time, so much so it hurt.
It felt good, really good.
But still it felt like something was missing, something is always missing.
I no longer feel complete, there is this huge empty space in me that was once full of love and now it’s just empty.
And I know there is no way to fill it, no amount of smiles, laughs, outings, music, no amount of anything can fill it.

I guess that’s what my dad meant when he said I’m not as twinkly as I was.
I’m empty!!!
I’m empty with out him.

(P.s On a happier note, Marly-Kate had her first parents evening last night. I’m so proud of her. You can read all about it on her page.)